The Real World: Walking Dead
by justaroundtheriverbender
Summary: A parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show The Real World. This is purely for humor & enjoyment, not to be taken too seriously. But there is room for action, sweetness, and drama.
1. Chapter 1 Meeting the Cast

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Rick grimes** "_The Leader._"

The camera pans to Rick who's piling food into his arms. He notices the camera and stares deeply into the lens before speaking, "I'm getting food and water. I'm saving it for the group. Just in case things go south."

The cameraman responded. "You don't have to hide the food. You get it for free as long as you're apart of the show."

Rick checks his left then his right before tip-toeing out of the kitchen. The cameraman follows him into the hall.

Daryl screams from the kitchen. "Yo man, where's all the food?!"

**Lori Grimes **"_The Wife._"

Lori is doing an interview with production. "I don't ever see myself getting kicked out of the house. I mean my husband is the leader and..."

In a stealthy flash, Michonne moves past the camera. The camera fumbles then turned from Lori. "We got her! We got her! It's Michonne." As the camera pans to Michonne, she vanishes around a corner. "Dammit. We lost her again."

**Daryl Dixon** "_Little Redneck_."

The cabinet doors slam shut, then the fridge door opens before slamming shut. Daryl paces in the kitchen then aimed his crossbow at the cameraman who startles him. "If you got food you better cough it up right now."

"You can't have weapons in the house." The cameraman says.

"Michonne gets to keep her weapon, why can't I?" Daryl questions.

The cameraman replies. "Wait Michonne has her weapon?"

A rat scurries by and Daryl shoots it with an arrow.

"Daryl! Daryl, you can't eat that rat."

"No it's mine, I claimed it."

"We need to call the exterminator. Just hold on."

"Naw, you gon' kill all the food. Dis little critter a meal."

**Merle Dixon** "_Bigger Redneck._"

Merle faces the camera screaming. "I'm stuck in the house with a bunch of** beep beep beeps**, this **beep**, and his **beep** woman that's always **beep** and** beep** with** beep** and this** beep**." His eyes caught the attention of someone off camera. "What you lookin' at **beep beep beep**?!" The camera pans to Michonne who's glaring at Merle. The camera switches back to Merle who raises his bayonet hand. "Get her away from me before I git her!"

The camera switches back to Merle who raises his bayonet hand in attack mode. "Get her away from me before I git her!"

The camera switches back to Merle who raises his bayonet hand. "Get her away from me before I gut her!"

The cameraman sighs. "Why does everyone still have their weapons?"

Merle kisses his blade and whispers "it's alright little Merle, she can't touch us."

**Hershel Greene** "_Santa Claus, unconfirmed_."

The cameraman asks Hershel a question. "So how do you feel about Rick being the leader in the house?"

"A turtle can't cross the water without a shell."

"What does that even mean?" The cameraman replies.

"The group is the turtle and the water is this house, and Rick, he's the shell that keeps us all together. Keeps us safe."

"Um...we got an alarm system?" The cameraman adds.

**Phillip Blake** "_aka Brian aka The Governor. Self-appointed title_."

Phillip looks around as he slithers out from the crack of his bedroom door. He closes then locks the door, still looking around. He stands up straight as a camera's in his face. "Oh so, you lock your door? No one else does that. What's in there?"

"Oh so, you lock your door? No one else does that. What's in there?"

Phillip clears his throat. "Just a few nice trinkets here and there. Got them from a lovely place called Woodbury. We should visit there. I'd give you a _special_ personal tour. Now if you'll excuse me." The camera follows him walking off. The jiggle of his door knob is heard, forcing the camera to pan back around. Michonne is trying to break into Phillip's room.

"Wow, Michonne. Finally, we got you. You still haven't done your intro."

Michonne rushed off as Phillip grabs the camera man who's now pointing his camera right in the crazed man's his face. "I can't believe you let her escape!" Phillip scowls then took off after Michonne.

Cameramen rushes toward Michonne during her retreat. "Ugh, finally, we caught up to you." One says while out of breath.

Michonne unleashes her katana before leering at the cameramen surrounding her. "Who are you people? Why do you keep following me?"

A cameraman tries to reason with the katana-wielding woman. "W-wait, we just need you to-"

Michonne attacks the camera with her katana and the footage goes black.

After getting a new camera, the production crew were finally able to find someone to calm down Michonne and explain the situation to her.

The camera focuses on Andrea and Michonne talking in the distance.

**Andrea** "_The Sharpshooter_."

The cameraman pans to Andrea, realizing that even attempting to talk to Michonne was a lost cause. "Ma'am, do you have a weapon on you?"

Andrea exhales. "No! I'm the only one without a gun, even Rick has one- he's holding all of the guns!"

"Well, you're not allowed to have a weapon either way-"

"I want a gun!"

Michonne whispered towards her female counterpart. "I heard The Governor might have some weapons... a lot of them- help me sneak into his room and we could get you one." She plots.

**Shane Walsh** "_The best friend_."

A cameraman walks in on Shane and Lori's conversation.

"We got to get Rick out of this house... men like him, they don't last very long."

Lori makes a joke about Rick's shortcomings. "Ha, you can say that again. But, he's still my husband and I can't betray him again. If anyone has to get him out of the house, it has to be you. I don't want any part of it."

Shane seems to pause for a moment. "Well...wait-"

Shane storms out of the room and grabs the lens of the camera before pushing it aside to get in the frightened cameraman's face. "What are you doing here? How much did you hear? You better not tell Rick nothin!"

The cameraman tries to reason with him. "W-well, if you don't want him in the house, you could try and convince everyone to..."

"No...no, why would I want him to go, Rick and I are tight... tight like a noose, yeah-I... I'd never try to kill him, that's just crazy-YOU THINK I'M CRAZY... I ain't crazy... Rick's the crazy one, not me!"

After a long and grueling day production gathered everyone in the living room. "Ok, we're gonna pan the camera over your face, just say your line. So we can all get some rest."

**(Rick)** "This..." Rick searches the area "is the true story..."

**(Lori)** "Of seven survivors forced to live in a walking dead apocalypse... house..." Lori winks at Shane.

**(Merle) "Beeping** live'in together..."

**(Daryl)** "...and have their lives claimed... I mean taped..."

Someone from the crew intervenes. "Michonne...Michonne just say the line." Michonne just glares back at the producer.

The producer sighs. "Ok just pan to the next person."

**(Andrea)** "Now find out what happens..."

**(Hershel)** "When people stop being polite..." Hershel side eyes Shane who's scratching his head again.

**(Shane)** "...and start getting REAL!"

**(Everyone except Michonne)** "This is The Real World-Walking Dead!"


	2. Chapter 2 In this House We Vote

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**In this House We Vote**_

The producer narratives. "It's day two in the house and the constant demands of Lori has been getting on everyone's nerves."

The camera crew surrounds the small group lounging around the living room. A camera zooms in on Andrea's annoyed face while she complains. "Lori's all, _wash the dishes Andrea you don't need to stand guard_, or _wash the clothes Andrea they're covered in blood_-ugh, I can't stand her. Why does she get to lay on her back all day while I do all of the work? And she never talks to Michonne like this."

Footage from earlier that day displays Andrea's frustrated interaction with Lori. Lori storms up to Andrea. "Andrea! Have you seen Carl?!"

Andrea with her head in the washing machine snaps. "No... I was too busy washing your** beep**!"

Lori bends down and shrills more complaints at her blonde housemate. "How could you let Carl run off?! I thought you were keeping watch?! Do I have to do everything around here?!"

Lori winces at the stench of Merle, who is trying to spy on Michonne from afar. Looking at him, Lori finds something about him to criticize. "Merle, you need to cover up your hand, it's too graphic for Carl-"

Merle scoffs. "Now see here woman, y'all can't tell us what to do, ya see lil' Merle and me are the star of this here show-"Merle is suddenly spooked and jumps waving his bayonet hand towards the staircase. "It's Mi-chawn again... creepin' around like a damn shadow!"

Lori leers at Michonne's retreating form. "There she goes again, ignoring her responsibilities... well I'll make sure Rick tells her what's on **my** mind!"

Merle heckled her, "Sure... it's your funeral."

Michonne is crossing the hallway leading to The Governor's door before she readies her katana and tries the door handle. She hears Andrea's voice behind her.

"Meesh, what are you doing? I thought you hated Phillip now you're sneaking into his room?"

Michonne sighs and shakes her head, "it's not like that. I need you to keep an eye out for him. Something's not right about him."

"Alright Meesh, I hope you know what you're doing."

Andrea walked towards the end of the hall seeing Phillip coming up the stairs. She descends the staircase and smiles at Phillip who just wants to get past her and back to his room.

"Phillip. Where are you heading off to?" Andrea smiles.

Like the good ole boy scout that he is, Phillip is the first to share his feelings in the confessional earlier that day. Phillip stares at the camera sitting upright and smiling charmingly. He was Hiding all that crazy behind his eyes. "Andrea's a strong woman. Says she's efficient with a gun. She's very dependable, unlike Michonne who's always minding **my** business. I can never get time alone with Andrea because her friend thinks I'm crazy." He laughs. "Who do I look like, Shane?" He chucked. "In Woodberry, crazy behavior like this would never have been tolerated. It's such a lovely place. I can still take you there if you want?" He winks at the camera.

Merle has been watching Michonne like a hawk. He wanted to get her before she got him. He watches her trying to get The Governor's door open and slowly sneaks up on her.

Without hesitation, he traps Michonne in a bear hug and calls out to The Governor.

"Hey, Governor lookie who I caught trying to sneak into your room-"

Michonne kicks against the door, propelling herself and Merle back and falling to the ground. After she thrusts the back of her head into Merle's face, he loses his grip on her. Suddenly Merle finds himself pinned down by Michonne's strong stance on his 'little Merle.'

"N-no, get off, you're killing little Merle!"

Michonne gives him one swift kick to the face before grabbing her katana; barely escaping the governor's advancing grasp.

The Governor whispered above his fallen lackey. "She can run, but she can't hide!"

Merle whimpers as he tries to keep his weapon from falling apart. "That crazy **beep**! Just hang in there little guy-I need some tape, my boy's barely hanging on!"

Merle's confessional. "That crazy **beep** attacked me like some **beeping beep**." He said angrily while he is hastily wrapping his bayonet hand trying to fix little Merle. His eyes search around the room. "She might be in here right now lurking. Just biding her time before she cuts me in two."

The camera man's voices a question. "Are you afraid of Michonne?"

"No, I ain't never scared. Especially not of some **beeping beep**." Merle takes a second to listen out for anyone outside the small room he was in. He then leans towards the camera whispering. "She ain't around here is she?"

Lori is seen walking in on Michonne kicking Merle in the face and running off, she quickly follows in the direction Michonne ran off in, continuing to complain. "What the hell is going on? Why isn't everyone helping me look for my son, he's-"

Michonne suddenly appears behind Lori who jumps and turns around, feeling the silent warrior behind her. Michonne closed in on Lori's face, staring her down, thus forcing Lori to back down and shut up.

"Your son is in my room, reading some comic books... "

Lori gasped. "You kidnapped my son!"

Michonne walks right past her. "I was watching him... besides he came to me... just like his father."

The camera man zooms in on Lori's heated reaction then chimes in. "Just so you know she's not being catty, Rick really did come to her today."

Andrea comes into a room the size of a closet with a single chair in the middle and a light overhead. "So what, I just sit there?"

"Yes sit there and talk straight into the camera. These are your daily confessionals, you'll be doing them a lot."

Andrea nods her head and sits in the chair staring ahead. The camera guy speaks to her from his place behind the tripod.

"So do you know what's going on between Rick and Michonne?"

Andrea smirks and leans back in her seat, "well all I know is Rick must have some serious stamina in the bedroom, because the eye sex alone he was having with Michonne lasted almost an hour."

Footage of earlier that day. Rick comes into his bedroom and ducks behind his bed stuffing food underneath it. "The group will need this later to survive," he is sure of this. As he leaves the bedroom, he peeks his head out looking up and down the hall. Stepping out he turns the corner bumping into Michonne. He looks at her, she looks at him, he's still looking at her, she's relentless in not looking away, he tilts his head narrowing his eyes at her, she flares her nostrils warning him to move out of her way. Andrea watched them with a weird gaze then interrupts. "I need to get into the kitchen." The camera pans out to Rick and Michonne still staring at each other in front of the kitchen entrance. "Come on, I'm hungry." Andrea whines.

Much later in the day, the camera follows Lori as she walks into the room that she shares with Rick. "Rick we need to talk." Rick slithers over to his wife hiding a bagel behind his back then sneaks it to her. "Here. eat this, you need to keep your strength up."

She raises her hand. "It's ok. I already ate."

"Where did you get food?" Rick asked in amazement.

"The producers re-stocked the fridge since Daryl threatened to sick the Merles on the Cameramen." She shrugged then continued on. "We need to talk about this Michonne woman."

"Yea she's amazing. Helped me get all these stuff and thangs. She doesn't trust this house. She knows something's up."

"She doesn't clean, she doesn't help with the dishes, and Carl's getting too close to her. Besides, I think she's crazy."

"Lori" Rick sighs and looks down pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "We need Michonne she's essential to the group."

"Alright Rick, you're the leader of this house. You decide. It's either me or Michonne but one of us is leaving this house."

Moments later Rick gathers the group for a meeting. "Ok, we vote." The group shared looks between them. The Governor scowls at Michonne, who's starring intensity at Merle who's starring at Andrea's chest who's cutting her eyes at Lori.

"My wife won't stay in this house unless we...give up Michonne. Everyone in this house deserves the right to say who stays and who goes. Everyone's choice matters because everyone's input is essential to the group's survival. All I'm asking is that we all take the time to consider that-"

"I'm Voting her out," Michonne announces.

Merle stands up, "I agree with the mute."

Michonne shoots a death stare his way and Merle covers his face with his bayonet hand hissing at her. "Simmer down little Merle. Simmer down." He whispers to his blade.

After an overwhelming vote, Lori is now kicked out of the house. An upset Lori packs her bags after her meeting with the roommates. She's just been booted out and it's a hard blow for her husband Rick.

Rick during his confessional. "I don't know how it happened. Everybody just voted against my wife."

"Lori!" as the cameraman yells he watches her walking out the front door with her suitcases. She stops and sighs feeling very annoyed.

"So how do you feel about leaving?" The camera man asks pushing his camera into her face.

She backs up. "I'm just mad. I thought this was a Ricktatorship? Even my own son voted me out. "

A devastated Rick walks into his bedroom and sees an upset Shane. "Hey Shane, I appreciate you being there for Lori and Carl before I arrived at the house. I don't know how an ambulance hit my driver's car on the way here. Weird isn't it?"

Footage shows a clip of Shane driving an Ambulance truck.

Shane rubs his head, "thanks but now she's gone."

"Well, at least I've got you and Carl still here."

"Hell yea. And I've always got your back."

Shane's confessional. "Man **beep** Rick."


	3. Chapter 3 The Birth of Patches

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**The Birth of Patches**_

The camera catches new arrival Beth Greene, walking through the woods just outside the apocalypse house. She stops thinking its a walker but its only a small dear that comes up to her and rubs her thigh, filling Beth with joy. She hums a sweet melody to the dear and strokes along its smooth back. Suddenly, Daryl pops up from the bushes and readies his crossbow, seeing the deer he shoots it in the head, blood splattering all over Beth.

"Claimed." Daryl says as Beth starts crying hysterically.

"What chew crying about Beth, you helped get dinner?"

Beth screeches as Daryl kneels down and starts hacking up the deep right in front of her.

"Why you screeching for? Make yourself useful and help me gut this deer."

Daryl's confessional. As Daryl licks his fingers before sliding them through this long hair to add moisture, he squints into the camera before plopping down and pulling his crossbow to the side of his chair.

"You know, at first I didn't think Beth was good for nothin', but dat girl can attract animals wif her voice like some fairy princess of some **beep**-"

While Daryl is talking, one of the crew members is trying to sneak in and take Daryl's crossbow. Somehow he sees this and snatches it back up.

"You think that's funny sunshine-you tryin' to take my **beep** when I ant lookin?!"

The crew man stutters as Daryl points his weapon towards him "N-no, we just don't want any weapons in the house." Daryl gets exceedingly more aggressive before he shoots a bolt at the man and runs out of the room. In the distance Daryl can be heard shouting to Rick. "it was a raid and they were trying to take our **beep**!"

Beth's confessional. "I found this cute little hamster today. Its takes some of the pain away from losing little that deer Daryl killed in front of me." She starts crying again remembering the arrow through the dears head. The camera cuts off and Beth is sitting again stroking the hamster with her eyes red and puffy from the edited out minutes of straight crying. "The only thing that gets me through the day is this little hamster." Daryl walks into the confessional room and Beth jumps out of her skin, "Claimed." She rushed to say as Daryl nodded and walked out. Beth breaths heavily and stares frighteningly into the camera. "**Beep**."

Hershel's confessional. The camera man proposes a question to Hershel. "So what do you think about your housemate, Shane?"

Hershel leans into the camera, "ever looked into the face of a man and see the devil starring back at cha?"

"No, not really."

"Have a conversation with Shane later on."

Hershel leans back in his chair pondering on something that happened earlier.

"You know, my good friend Otis was supposed to come here along with the group... I wonder what happened to him?"

Shane is shown pacing outside of the confessional room before he spots the camera man and charges at the now shaky frame.

"You think I had something to do with it, huh, that's why you keep watchin' me? well... you can't catch what you can't see!"

Shane pries the camera out of the man's hands and throw it towards the side, before he stomps on it, distorting the view.

Hershel shakes his head hearing the commotion outside the confessional room.

"I told you, that man's a few ducks short of a pond. Ah, and speaking of ponds, the producers told me they were finally finished renovating the pool out back."

Footage from earlier in the day. Rick edges his head around seeing a giant blue pool. "All that water, we can survive on it for days, weeks even." He crouches down doing a military duck walk towards the edge of the pool and looks around suspiciously, as he pulls out a few bottles, siphoning water from the pool. A camera comes towards Rick he starts to freak out. "No! No! You get out" Rick yells, "you hear me? You get out!" He shoves the camera man, who he believes is responsible for removing all the food he'd been hiding for the group, and putting everything back in the kitchen.

"Daryl!"

Daryl comes out from around the corner, "I'm on it" he replies then releases an arrow and the camera cuts to black. Rick rushes back into the house, his head swinging around and his body ducking and dodging imaginary bullets. "Michonne!" Rick screams as he sees her walking by. "Michonne we need some firewood to keep this place warm and boil this water." She looks at him funny, "Rick we have a fireplace."

"Michonne... you know we can't trust that."

"Rick, did you get this water from the pool? There's probably chlorine in it."

"That's what the fire is for. We're gonna boil the chlorine outta da water."

"Instead of just getting it from the sink?" She replies.

"We can't use the sink to get water. I used them pipes to make us some weapons." Rick looks directly into the camera, "cause someone keeps stealing em all."

"Dammit there's a flood in the kitchen." A producer is heard in the distance.

Present time, as the confessional room is being set up for Phillip, Michonne strolls in unleashing her katana and sits down with her sword across her lap. "Oh Michonne, it's you. This is actually supposed to be Phillip's confessional."

Michonne replies, "I know."

Phillip walks into the room seeing Michonne there and waiting for him. He smirks and sets his hand on his hips. "Hello Michonne, surprised to see you here, thought Merle finished you off."

"You know that fool can't get a damn thang done."

Camera cuts to Merle in the kitchen, banging on a can of beans with his bayonet. "Where's the damn can opener?!" He yells. "Dammit Rick hiding all the **beep** again!"

The footage switches back to the stand off between Michonne and Phillip in the confessional room.

"I'm gonna tear you apart." She threatens.

"You sound like Andrea." He winks.

Michonne's eyes widen with rage. A distressed producer's voice screams over the escalating situation. "Cut the cameras and get security in there now!" Like clockwork the confessional room camera cuts and security rushes to the scene. The hallway camera cuts on and a loud scream is heard from the room along with added shouting of various voices. Michonne comes out of the room alone, hips swaying from side to side as she's slipping her sword back into its sheath. Phillip stumbles out after her, falling over himself on the ground holding his bloodied eye, "I was attacked!"

Just moments after coddling a crying Phillip on the floor Andrea finds Michonne and is outraged. "Michonne you ruined Phillip's eye!"

"He looks better without it." Michonne shrugs.

"I don't even know who you are anymore. You've been after Phillip the since the moment you met him."

"He tried to have me killed."

"And what were you trying to do in there? huh Meesh." Andrea huffs and starts packing her bags. "I can't stay in this room with you anymore. I'm moving in with Phillip."

"You've just meet this man and you trust him over me?"

"That's not true Meesh!"

"By siding with him, you're going against me. Where's your loyalty?" Michonne walks out of the room leaving Andrea slightly hurt.


	4. Chapter 4 Penny Down

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'.**

_**Penny Down**_

Its 3am in the morning where a majority of the housemates are asleep. The only ones unaccounted for are Andrea, Philip and Michonne, who for whatever reason the camera can't catch for more than five seconds. Finally the camera narrows in on Andrea and Phillip getting chummy in the living room. Andrea gets up, heading to her new living arrangement with Phillip. The Governor gets up, his smile drops like an anvil. One of the trusted producers comes out to greet the Governor but is suddenly stabbed in the gut. The Governor drags Producer Milton into Michonne's bedroom, closing the door behind him, he is seen whistling down the hall.

Out of nowhere Michonne appears on camera and pushes her room door open, walking in. The camera doesn't catch what happens inside but suddenly Milton's head rolls out into the hall. Michonne steps out of her room and flicks her katana free of his blood then angrily takes off.

The overhead camera views Phillip and Andrea in bed together. Despite the cat and mouse game between Michonne and Phillip, Andrea falls for the charms of The Governor. While the two are asleep in his room, his closet door creeps open and a child walker emerges from the dark space. Outside, Michonne sees her chance to get the Governor; Andrea's little seduction left the man less aware of his surroundings, this was the one time he'd forgotten to lock his door. Michonne walks in and sees the child walker approaching the bed, she yanks it back as Phillip suddenly wakes and tears fill his eyes.

"Don't touch her! Don't hurt my baby girl!" Michonne pushed her sword through the back of walker Penny's head and Phillip screams watching the blood on the end of Michonne's sword. Andrea wakes up rubbing her eyes then sees the walker child. "Ew walker!" She shoots Penny in the head. Daryl walks by noticing the walker falling to the ground, he then shoots an arrow into Penny causing Phillip to cry even harder feeling more helpless. Rick hears Phillip and sneaks into the room seeing Penny. He whispers, "walker." Rick does a swift tuck and roll over to Penny and stabs her through the head.

Cameramen all rush to the Governor's room where all hell seems to be breaking loose. All camera angles are shaky and out of focus panning over chaos. Clear audio is heard from the Governor screaming for his little girl. Rick storms out into the hallway to see a camera in his face, "I want that man out of this house! Nowww!"

Daryl comes out chewing on the skinned body of a snake and sides with Rick, "psycho's harboring walkers and **beep!** He gotta go! "

Afterwards during Andrea's confessional, the cameraman and Andrea go back and forth on her misplaced awareness of Phillip. The camera man sits off frame, questioning her. "So you didn't think anything was weird about a man with a tank full of walker heads?"

"He said it was there before we moved in." Andrea answered.

"Ok so how about the fact that he had torture devices in his room?" The man countered.

"He said those were for stuff around the house that needed fixing. Then he was all like _in Woodbury we never have sinks clogging up or pipes bursting. Its the best place on earth_." She mimicked.

"What about this?" The camera man holds up a Michonne voodoo doll. "He kept this under his pillow. I think you saw him making it."

"He said it was a Disney princess doll for his daughter."

"And did you know the daughter was a walker?"

The light bulb goes off in Andrea's head. "Ohhhh...that's why he was crying."

An hour later, an overhead camera feed films the living room where Rick, Daryl, Hershel, Shane, Beth, and Michonne, who walks in last, are about to talk. Rick looks at Michonne strolling in, Michonne looks back at Rick, Rick stares deeply at Michonne. Shane rolls his eyes at the two of them. "Focus people!" He yells. Michonne and Rick are still in a trace, lost in each others intense gazes. "I'm just gonna wait till y'all finish," Shane adds while plopping himself down on the couch. Shane sits there rubbing his head while Hershel looks down at him leering.

Shane gets up from the couch, "that man's insane, he untrustworthy, we gotta kill him. Ain't no other way."

Hershel sighs hates having to agree with Shane. "He's right. We can't have Phillip in this house any longer."

"Who?" Shane asks rubbing his head again.

"Phillip, he's the man that you're speaking of right?" Shane looks away from Rick and back at Hershel.

"Oh Yea, yea...sure."

Rick pops out of his trance with Michonne, "No. We don't kill people. We can still work this out. He aint too far gone." Suddenly a loud gun shot is heard, the group rushes towards the staircase and looks up to see the Governor with a gun, and there's a bullet hole in the ceiling. "Liar." He whispers from the top step.

The cameraman growls in frustration, "How do these people keep getting weapons into the house?"

Shane yells "look Rick! He got that gun from your secret stash" Shane looks directly into the camera, "did y'all hear that? Rick has a secret gun stash that could get him kicked out of the house!"

Rick's eyes dart around at each of the cameras filming. "Its for the group. If we don't have ammo we're as good as dead!"

"I want Michonne!" the Governor interrupts as Rick raises his gun at the Governor, who aims his gun back at Rick. "Is one woman really worth it Rick? Your son's gonna grow up calling Shane daddy!"

Shane laughs hysterically.

Rick cuts his eyes at a laughing Shane then looks to Phillip. "You put the gun down. I know you've lost people but so have we. We can all work this out. We can talk, there's been enough blood shed. Just lower the gun Phillip!"

Phillip turns his loaded gun towards Michonne then feels a bullet grazing past his eye. He turns around to see Andrea pointing a smoking gun at him. Andrea's confused because she swears she aimed it right in the middle of his head, she shoots again and again, watching her bullets fly right by him. "**Beep!**"

"Don't be stupid Andrea. Michonne is the enemy here not me. LOOK AT MY EYE!"

"I've always known where my loyalty lies Phillip. Its just taken me a moment for me to realize it." She smiles at Phillip and he smiles back thinking he'd gotten her back on his side. Without hesitation Andrea shoves Phillip down the steps, he hears nothing but his own screams as he's tumbling down.

The camera pans down to Phillip at the bottom of the steps. A producer shouts off screen. "We gotta man down!" Phillip is twitching on the floor as Michonne raised her sword to finish him off, security comes rushing around her pointing guns at her, "hey hey hey! Michonne put the sword down!" The camera cuts.

Michonne's forced confessional.

"So why did you try to off Phillip?"

Michonne stares daggers at the cameraman.

"Are you going to answer any questions?"

"I want my sword back."

The next morning after managing to survive the fall down the stairs, The Governor waddles out bracing on his cane and struggling to move his head due to his neck brace. The cameraman comes up to Phillip, the lens focuses on his shattered gaze.

"So how do you feel about being forced to leave the house. I mean you did break the rules, no walkers in the house. You also murdered a man on camera."

"Penny aint a walker." the Governor snaps. "She's my little girl. Michonne killed my daughter!"

"You didn't see Penny's death as more of a group effort?"

The Governor growls and bombards the cameraman screaming, then the camera feed goes snowy. But overhead footage catches the disgruntled house member who's now being crowded around by security, who's yanking him off the camera guy. The scene is so intense one of the show's producers, Lilly, has to come out and try to cool Phillip down. "

"Philip, I'm sorry but you broke the rules so you have to go-"

The Governor wrestles from side to side as he's being hauled out through the front doors. "Liars, thieves, and murders-I'll burn this place to the ground-just like I burned Woodbury!"


	5. Chapter 5 the itchy and scratchy show

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**The Itchy and Scratchy Show**_

A producer's voice provides a little narration for the show. "Its been a few days since the spiraling exit of Phillip and everyone has been at ease, except for Rick who's still living like he's on the outside."

Rick wonders out of the confines of his bedroom. He's scavenging through the house when he hears a phone ringing. He can't help but to follow the sound. Coming into the phone room he answers the calling. "Hello."

"Rick! Its Lori. You gotta get me back in the house."

"Lori? Lori is this really you? I thought I lost you in the vote out."

"Yes Rick, I am gone, that's why I need you to get me back in the house."

"I don't understand, how can you be gone and still be talking to me."

"Cuz I aint gone like dead, I'm gone like outta the house!"

"No! No this aint real. You aint real." Rick hangs up the phone.

Lori holds the phone at her end looking confused, "did he just hang up on me?"

The phone rings again as Rick is getting up. Ring after ring, Rick is pacing back and forth rubbing his forehead with his arm and sweating. He yanks up the phone again. He's quiet at first then hears the voice at the other end of the line. "I need to clear."

**Morgan Jones** "_The clearer_"

The camera films by Morgan's open door. Morgan stands in his bedroom looking up at his walls in a tearful rage. He screams seeing the horrible display before him. "Red!" He points to the left." Red!" He repeats pointing to the right." All I see is redddd!" Morgan yells angrily as the camera pans out to view the wall to wall red paint in his bedroom. Rick walks into Morgan's room and looks up starring questionably, "yea I think we need to change your room color." Rick suggests.

"I hate this damn color!" Morgan admits looking over at Rick who's nodding.

Elsewhere in the house, Andrea sits with an agitated Michonne who's vigorously itching. "Michonne how on earth did you get flees?"

Footage of earlier that day. Michonne's laying on her bed as Daryl comes by and leans in her doorway eying her with his best display of bedroom eyes. "Hey Michonne?" The drawl of his voice becomes like silk. "You claimed yet?" Michonne smiles as Daryl walks in and swings the door shut behind him.

"I don't want to talk about it." Michonne says getting up from her bed.

Andrea's eyes widen as she sees Daryl walking past their room scratching in a similar manor.

With Michonne temporarily missing in action while getting her flees issue situated, Andrea is bored without her bestie and wonders around the house. She stumbles upon Beth and Daryl in the kitchen and rolls her eyes at Daryl's inching every few minuets.

Around the kitchen table, Beth and Daryl both have a drink. His moonshine, her's orange juice. A camera comes up close, focusing on their conversation.

"Never have I ever...been arrested." Beth stares at Daryl waiting for him to take a drink, but when he doesn't she complains. "Daryl you have to drink if you've done the thing, it's the rules of the game-."

"I aint ever been arrested-that what you think o' me?!"

Beth raised her hands up in defense against the drunken redneck.

"The game is played so we can learn more about each other, I didn't mean to offend you. Alright, never have I ever done...oh I know...meth."

Daryl gawks at the teen before angrily storming away from the table.

"Daryl you can't be embarrassed about it, I know you have! You're apart of this family now, yah don't need to be ashamed of your past we can work through this-"

"I ain't never did no meth!"

"Are you sure? Maybe you don't remember, hard drugs can do that to you."

Daryl walks out with a leer towards the camera man as Beth shakes her head and whispers.

"I guess if he doesn't remember... by default he doesn't have to drink... oh well, more for me-"

Daryl rushes back in and grabs the moonshine from Beth, then starts chugging down the contents of the bottle before rushing towards the corner of the kitchen.

"Ew, he's gonna pee on the floor again!" Beth squeals.

Security rush towards Daryl at the sound of his fly being zipped down, before they hall the angry drunk outside to let him finish his 'pee tantrum'.

Rick walks towards Morgan's bedroom door, a little surprised that its locked with words like "turn back, and I'm not shitting you" written across it. "Morgan?" He calls out as the door opens and he sees Michonne standing there snacking on a big bag of potato chips. "So you're eating his food now?"

"The mat said welcome...and also don't step on the mat" Michonne advices.

She grabs a few more bags of chips then four snickers bars, then Trix bar. "You gon get a cavity with all that candy." Rick nags as Michonne's loud chip crunches echoes down the hall.

Rick squats down and lifts the mat up to see the floor dug out and spikes emerging from inside. "So damn cool." He steps into Morgan's room in awe seeing wall to wall weapons and ammunition. Morgan is covering his room with white wallpaper to get rid of that horrible red paint. "Morgan how on earth did you get away with having all these weapons? They keep robbing mines."

Morgan leans into Rick and whispers. "You gotta make them think you're crazy."

At the end of the day, Daryl sits down to do his confessional. "I don't mind getting a flee bath, if its with Michonne. We might end up gettin' dirtier than when we started doe. I aint too found of the way they went about it. I aint no dog, they didn't have to give me no flee bath."

Footage from just moments ago. As Merle watches Michonne from afar with her towel in tow, he nudges his little brother and leans in with a smirk.

"Looks like that woman there's gonna be in the shower soon, how about you and I take a little look at her-"

"Naw man, cut it out."

Daryl shakes his head before itching the back of his neck free of some fleas. With a chuckle, Merle springs up and rushes towards the stairs with his brother in tow.

"Come on, what you so scared of Darline? Never seen a naked woman before?"

"Hey Merle, I mean it, cut it out before you get your dumb ass kicked out!"

Merle nears the bathroom before he rushes inside and slams the door with Daryl not far behind, fearing the worst.

"Help me baby brother, the **beep** actually bought her sword wit er!"

Daryl rushes into the bathroom and the door is slammed shut behind him. A cameraman rushes towards the bathroom door and with no obvious camera feeds in the bathroom, the only thing that can be gathered about what's going on inside, is all audio.

"What the-"

Michonne screams out to hold Daryl down before Morgan's voice is heard shouting "We got to clear them fleas!"

"Ow, you got flea powder in mah eyes!"

"Shut up Darline, your eyes aint never open anyway!"


	6. Chapter 6 Target Practice

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**Target Practice**_

Hershel's confessional. "So Hershel, where have you been the past few days?"

"I've been keeping an eye on Shane. I'm thinking he might do something stupid."

"How come?"

"Something stupid is that boy's only option. He doesn't have a single smart thought in his head."

Shane jumps at the chance to get in contact with Lori. When the producers told him that they had a working phone and a number where Lori was staying, it doesn't take him long to get to the phone room. He dials and Lori she answers.

"Lori, its Shane."

"Thank god its you. I've been calling Rick but I aint had much luck getting through to him."

"So how you holding up?"

"I'm fine, but I gotta get back into the house. Shane you need to do something."

"Lori the only way to get you back in is if someone leaves."

"Well then don't you think someone need to have an accident?"

Camera footage just moments after, narrows in on a tense interaction between Producer Martinez and house mate Shane. Martinez is annoyed as he lectures Shane on his possible ploy to get Lori back into the house.

"Shane if you try to harm anyone in the house you will be the one to leave, not them."

"Let me tell you somethin' man. You're here, eavesdropping on phone calls and telling me what I can't do. You see that world out there. That world outside this house, people kill left and right for the people they care about. I'm willing to kill, do you got it in you to do the same? because I don't think you do."

"Shane we have rules in this house"

"-man **beep** your rules. You're probably on Rick's side, think everybody needs to live and** beep**. He's weak and you're weak too!"

The camera films Andrea with Michonne in the backyard. Michonne had lined up a row of cans in the distance for her friend to use as target practice. Andrea shoots, then misses, then shoots again with the same result. Frustrated she started firing off until she was out of bullets. When the smoke cleared all four cans were still intact.

"Dammit."

Andrea grabs another gun and Michonne snatches it away from her. "Ok no more practice, you're just wasting ammo."

Merle walks back and opens his mouth wiggling his tongue at the two ladies. "When you two gon' get back to your room, your boy Merle here wants to watch you two **beeping beeps** in some licky licky action." He rubs his belly swerving his hips.

Michonne hands Andrea the gun back then commands.

"Andrea shoot him."

Andrea shoots at Merle who jumps as a bullet grazes him. A hurl of profanities from Merle ensues as Michonne's scowls.

"Again, but closer to your left." She orders.

"Wait, aint I gon' kill him?"

"You need a moving target as practice."

"Ohhhh...ok." Andrea nods then shoots at Merle again making him duck and run off.

"Andrea, he's running go after him!" Michonne shouts.

Andrea's confessional. "I think people were just using me to kill other people in the house."

Shane goes up to Andrea. "I'm gonna teach you how to shoot."

Andrea agrees than Shane takes her out to Rick's garden. "You see Rick, he gotta red mark on the back of his head. Now I need you to hit the red mark."

"Wont that kill him?!"

"No, no, its alright he's in on this. Just pretend he's a walker, he gon be moving around. You gotta _kill_ em when he's not looking. If all else fails, take that shovel over there and hit him in the back of the head where the target is. Now you keep hitting him until he _pretends_ to stop moving. Now you might see blood, but its all apart of your training." Andrea nods and aims her gun then pulls the trigger. Rick looks around feeling something brush past his ear. "You missed! Andrea just keep shottin! Don't let him get away. You never let the target get away!"Shane eagerly yells.

Rick does a tuck and roll behind his plants and yells at Andrea "what are you doing?"

"Rick stop hiding I need to see the target!" Andrea calls out.

"This is all apart of the plan, now I'm gonna go in and finish him, this will be a team effort!"

Michonne storms out hearing the end of Shane and Andrea's conversation amongst the fire shots of Andrea's gun.

"Shane!" She screams angrily then rushed up to him and punches him in the face.

"Stop **beep**ing with Rick." Shane tastes the blood in his mouth as Michonne walks off grabbing the gun from Andrea. "No more of this! Go to your room."

"What about my lesson?"

"Dammit Andrea!"

Andrea walks off as Rick pokes his head up from behind his garden while Shane spits out a pool of blood on the floor and comes at Michonne. As Michonne is grabbing Rick's hand helping him up, Shane is charging up behind her but is stopped by Morgan's son Duane slapping him across the face with Rick's iron shovel. Rick looks around Michonne and smiles, "good looking out Duane." Wayne nods and takes off.

Michonne looks at Rick. "You ok?"

"Yea, I'm ok."

"How?"

"Cuz I ducked."

Andrea walks towards the house feeling defeated after never being able to hit any of her targets that afternoon.

"I don't even know why I need to shoot a gun, there aint any walkers in this house anyway."

Suddenly a muck covered human with the smell of rotting flesh came out of the bushes dragging his feet as he walked towards Anderea. "Walker!" She yells then picks up a rock and throws it at its head. The _walker_ goes down.

"Yes I got one!" She jumps up and down.

Rick and Michonne comes up to see Daryl rocking from side to side on the ground holding his head. "Andrea you hit Daryl" Michonne says as she kneels down beside him checking his head.

"No, that's a walker."

"I aint a walker!" Daryl screams.

Shane sits down for his confessional, with a band-aid across his nose and his nostrils clogged with toilet paper, he taps his finger on his busted lip and hissed a little.

"All these crazy people in the house trying to kill each other yet none of y'all trying to get them out. I don't feel safe in the house with Rick and that katana in tight jeans. And I don't know how she got a free pass after what she did to Phillip."

The camera man shrugs, "she's a fan favorite."

Another forced Michonne confessional. The camera man sighs knowing he isn't going to get much out of her. "You seem pretty tightly wound today."

"You** beep**s still have my sword."

"If you talk to us a little bit we may consider letting you have your weapon back."

Michonne silently glares back at the camera before storming out.


	7. Chapter 7 Dixon Girls

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I hope you like the song.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**Dixon Girls**_

The overhead camera feeds check on the housemates scattered throughout different rooms, before focusing in on a particular interaction between Michonne and Daryl. As Michonne finished yet another sit up, she finally looked up to see one of the Dixon brothers looking down at her toned physique.

"Hey Chonne, meet me in mah room later, got som'thing for yah."

The camera zooms in on Michonne's reaction. With a sly nod, Michonne continues her daily sit ups with the younger Dixon fresh on her mind.

Later that day, Michonne is seen entering Daryl's room as the hidden cameras catch their every interaction.

"So... what you got to show me?" She says in the most flirtatious manor.

Daryl smiles at her and requests that she close her eyes and hold out her hands. Michonne looks at him with skepticism but then decided to comply. He places the familiar feel of cool steel along her hands and she opens her eyes seeing her sword.

"I got your sword back while the cameras weren't filmin'."

Michonne smiles, her expression says she's nothing short of touched by the sweet gesture. "You really didn't have to do this."

"I just wanted to do something nice for yer."

Michonne leans her sword against a wall and wraps her arms around Daryl. Daryl smiles bringing his arms around her but stops as he's leaning in for a kiss seeing the lens of a camera starring into his room. "Aw hell naw, we aint makin' no porno for y'all." Daryl walks towards the camera and shoves it back before slamming the door shut.

A few minuets prior to the sweet interaction between Daryl and Michonne, Andrea is feeling a bit down about her lack of action in the house. She walks through the halls, trying to spy on her best friend Michonne.

"I wonder why she keeps going into Daryl's room?"

Andrea questions out loud as Merle walks by.

"What chu talkin bout woman, you sayin my baby bro hookin' up with that crazy-I mean Michonne?" Merle takes a moment then sleazily inserts his next question. "How come we never hooked up-"

"Hm, maybe because you're a sexist, racist and apparently homophobic pervert."

"I'm a simple man lady, don't be usin' all them big words on me now... "

With a roll of her eyes, the camera man catches her walking away and Merle looking down at his bayonet.

"Sorry lil Merle, but I gotta go solo on this one."

Lather that day, Merle is seen outside in Rick's garden before he is chased out by Rick with a rake. Merle is hiding something behind his back as he looks around for something in Rick's room, before he is also chased out again by said man.

"Dammit Rick, if you weren't keepin' all the good **beep** to yourself, I wouldn't have to keep taking your **beep** from yah."

The camera later that day shows Merle stopping Andrea in the hallway and showing her his bayonet-less arm, which is now decorated with flowers and tape.

She playfully pushes him away before she lays a kiss on his cheek and leads him into her bedroom.

Merle's confessional. "It seems like these ladies are fixin' for some Dixon!" Merle laughs after he gestures towards his groin.

At the end of the day Andrea is sitting in her room blankly starring at the wall as Michonne comes in and sits down beside her with a contemplative stare. " think I did something bad." Andrea admits.

"I think I did too." Michonne sighs.

"What did you do?"

"Caught feelings for Daryl."

"I slept with Merle."

"You win."

Daryl's confessional. "Beth asked us to come down to the living room tonight to hear one of her songs. Better not be some stupid crap 'bout friendship or I'm outta there."

Beth looks into the camera then back at the group before smiling and producing a piece of paper while clearing her throat.

"I wrote a special song about everyone in the house, this will lighten the mood and get everyone closer together."

"A-hem."

Beth taps her foot on the ground in a country melody to add to her singing.

"Michonne, Michonne forever alone, with nothing but her blade by her side-"

Michonne gawks back a Beth before hearing some chuckles form Merle.

"But then in Daryl's room, her sex drive just went boom, and she takes that little Dixon for a ride."

Daryl smirked at Michonne before she looked for an exit away from this situation.

"He gave that poor girl fleas, nearly had her on her knees- I guess Dixon blood makes the girls here go insane..."

"Andrea shouting in Merle's room, as he got hit by her monsoon, I know that I will never be the same."

"All that shoutin and that gruntin, it was like he's booty hunting, because he found himself a nice little blonde ride!"

Andrea face burned red before she looked around for a gun.

"When Rick's not lookin' for walkers, he turns into a stalker, and follows Morgan right into his room-"

"And Shane is such a pain, his ideas stupid and insane, because they always fail to bring Rick to his doom."

"And when it come to the rest, me and my daddy are the best, because we are wise, helpful, considerate and kind!"

"Ok Beth, that's enough! Isn't my daughter so talented?" Hershel shooed his daughter away before she smiled and bowed towards the group.

Michonne got up before muttering that she needed a drink and left.

Merle intended to clap before stopping and smirking towards his brother.

"That girl's got some talent, got y'all all down to a 'T'."


	8. Chapter 8 Rick's Best Friend

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**Rick's Best Friend**_

Morgan is very particular about his cleaning, and the house is a mess that he can't live in. He decides to tackle the kitchen first. After a while the kitchen is spotless, he'd just finished mopping that last spot on the floor as Rick comes in leaving a trail of muddy foot prints. Dirt covered hand prints smudge every clean surface imaginable, while Rick is ransacking the kitchen for goods.

Morgan growls in a rage and yanks up a knife, "didn't I tell you I needed to clear!" A loud scream is heard in the kitchen from Rick. "You crazy son of a **beep**!"

Moments later Rick has Hershel patch him up after the stab wound he'd gotten from Morgan. He feels terrible after upsetting his friend and confides in Hershel. "Rick you know how Morgan gets about his cleaning. You should have been more considerate."

"What do you suggest I do?"

"You gotta do something to show him you're sorry, but more importantly that ya care."

Rick is seen with a still bleeding wound in front of Morgan's door, as he keeps his distance form the welcome mat and knocks twice.

Morgan opens the door, he tries to apologize to Rick for stabbing him in the chest that morning, but Rick shh's him before holding up some large white cards, and nodding for Morgan to read them.

'I know you're sorry for stabbing me in the chest'

'but the pain I felt today is nothing compared to...'

'the joy I feel when I'm with you-'

'to me, you are perfect, Morgan Jones.'

With tears in his eyes, Morgan maneuvers around his own welcome mat and embraces Rick who coils back in pain.

"Sorry Rick, I forgot about the wound."

"Naw... no, it's okay... I'll re-bandage it later."

Much later in the day, Shane sneaks out of Rick's room holding a can of shaving cream and what appears to be a used razor blade. He hides the contents in his hands behind his back, avoiding the hallway camera above. Rick wakes up from his nap, he walks to his doorway seeing Andrea and Michonne walking down the hall. As they see him, the two girls halt, Michonne's eyes widen and Andrea's eyes roll into the back of her head just before she falls over. Michonne get down checking on her passed out friend.

"What the hell's going on?" Rick asks alarmed.

Andrea's confessional. "Its the worst thing I've seen happen in this house. He's like 75% less attractive now. I don't know what happened but his entire beard is just gone."

Andrea starts to cry from the terrible loss of Rick's facial hair.

"Thank you" she says as she takes a napkin from the cameraman then blows her nose into the tissue. "Who the hell would do something like that to him?"

Shane's confessional. Footage consists of 30 minuets of Shane cackling.

Hershel badly wants for a return to normalcy. And he's not about to let Beth plan another event, so he takes it upon himself to utilize that swimming pool out back.

Daryl looked at all of the meat in astonishment before looking back at Hershel.

"Where'd yah get all this meat?"

"A nice man named Gareth stopped by and offered it to the group."

Daryl nods then sees Michonne walking by in a tiny white bikini, his eyes practically pop out of his head as he leaves to follow her, right in the middle of Hershel talking.

"Hopefully nothing to bad happens today..." Hershel looks to his left watching Daryl wonder off. "Oh so you just gon' leave in the middle of the conversation like that?"

Andrea and Beth are already in the pool laughing and swatting a volleyball back and forth. Merle comes out and jumps into the pool creating a big splash that soaks Daryl and Michonne in the middle of the younger Dixon laying some southern charm on his woman.

"Merle!" Daryl yells.

"Sorry baby brother, didn't mean to get your girl wet before you could." As the volleyball comes his way he raises the wrong arm to swat it, and ends up piercing the volleyball with his bayonet blade. "Dammit Merle." Andrea grunts.

Beth looks around, "I can sing y'all another song if you want?"

Everyone screams in unison, "No!"

Hershel is at the grill looking oddly at the formations of meat. He lifts up a large piece that mirrors his forearm. He raises an eyebrow then looks at the other pieces and jumps fishing out a severed hand.

"The meats bad!" Hershel turns back with a yell.

"It tastes fine to me," Merle says chomping down on his piece of meat. "Its a little hard through." Hershel frowns watching Merle devour the unsavory dish.

The camera man follows Michonne entering the house. She strolls into the kitchen, wrapping a towel around her bikini clad body. She sees Rick behind her with his "new look."

"Hey Rick."

"Hey." He says sadly as he's intentionally trying his hardest to hide his face from her, while the camera is zooming in on him.

Michonne could sense that he was still a little low on confidence without the presence of his beard. "Listen, if it means anything, I kinda like you beardless. You look more distinguished." She smiled.

He raises his eyebrows then smiles at her feeling a little more confident. "Thanks Michonne. I don't know what 'd do without you."

"You can do me a favor."

"Anything."

"Get me some candy from Morgan's room, the sweeter the better."

"Alright. I can do that. But only if you share with Carl."

"I will. And I'll save you a piece too." She smiles.

The rest of Andrea's confessional on the beardless Rick issue.

"This hot, sexy, rugged man is just gone and we're left with... I don't even know what he is now. He looks like a **beep**ing backstreet boy!" She cried more, then wipes her tears with an additional napkin.

Rick finally comes out to the gathering at the pool.

Merle cackles seeing his beardless face, "officer friendly you're as slick as a baby seal!"

Shane struts out shirtless and flexing catching Andrea's eye and Merle's scowl. Shane sees Rick and grabs him by the shoulders, "come on Rick lets get in the water, we're gonna play a game." Rick and Shane end up in the pool. Shane suggests they do a breath holding contest under the water. Rick agrees and dunks his head under as does Shane at first, but then he pops up early and forces Rick's head to stay under water as Rick's flailing around out of sight.

Merle chuckles. "Aw lookie Shane tryina drown officer seal."

Shane releases his hands from holding Rick's head under water, catching the sight of producer Martinez. Shane throws his hands up in the air before rubbing his head acting as if he wasn't doing anything. Rick comes up gasping for air and shaking his head. Andrea swims over to Shane, shoving a still struggling Rick out of her way and wraps her arms around Shane from behind as he laughs. Merle watches angrily as she whispers something into Shane's ear that brings out a cocky grin.

Merle's confessional. "I gave that woman the best 16 minuets of her life and she gon' flirt with Shane right in front of my face. Ol' Merle here gotta admit he's pretty damn hurt. Yew best believe there's gon' be a fight tonight."

Daryl walks into the room he shares with Merle seeing the room completely trashed. He's even more pissed because the flower he's found for Michonne had been trampled on. He walks into the room, "Merle!" The further he walks, the more damage is done then suddenly he sees a pile of Merle and Andrea's clothes leading all the way towards the shut bathroom door. He cringes hearing Merle and Andrea's grunting and heavy breathing in there.

"Dammit Merle, come out here an' clean this mess up!"

"Shut up Daryl, I got my hand is full in here!"

Daryl leaves and heads into Michonne's bedroom, "Chonne, yew sleepin'?"

Michonne yawns and pulls her blanket aside as he got in bed with her. She turns and lays her head on his chest as he wraps his arm around her.


	9. Chapter 9 Puppy Love

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**_Puppy Love_**

Hershel's confessional. "It's bad enough that Bethie's singing this blasphemous song, but who she's singing it too is somethin' intolerable."

A camera man comes up to Beth's half open bedroom door, recording an unusual display of show. Beth is in her room humming the melody to a familiar sexually charged rock song before singing, "I smell sex and candy in herrre…" She winks at the person she's serenading followed by an awkward hip sway that was intended to come off as sexy.

The camera man pushes the door open as Beth continues with the song. Shane sitting in a chair. Despite Beth giving it her "vixen" all, Shane doesn't seem too enchanted. Bewildered would have been the word.

Beth is gloomy over Shane's unpleasant response to her performance. Needing a friend to talk to she thinks to find Daryl. Camera footage shows Beth outside of Daryl's shut door. For some reason the audio is out from Daryl's room, so all that can be heard is Beth in the hallway.

She presses her ear to his door. "Daryl open up!"

She hears what he's up to inside and starts banging on the door.

"Come on, hurry up and finish in there." She bangs harder.

"Michonne get him to finish. You can do it girl!"

Beth presses her ear to the door again. "Was that it? Did he just..."

Daryl angrily swings the door open as Beth gasps seeing a naked Daryl holding a large pillow against his crotch. "Dammit what the hell yew want?!" The sweaty redneck snaps with rapid breaths. "I ah...jeez Daryl how many pumps do you need?!" Beth looks into the room waving at Michonne covering up in Daryl's bed. "What's the can of spray cheese for?" She questions.

"Mind your own damn business that's what it's fo!" Daryl steps back inside his room and slams his door shut.

The camera feed switches to a heartbreaking exchange elsewhere in the house. Morgan looks of into the sunset before focusing his tear filled eyes towards Rick, who's trembling at the mere thought of losing Morgan again.

"Rick... I need to set out and clear this world."

"No Morgan please... we can stay here... we need you Morgan-"

"I ain't gonna stay here a day longer... do you still have the walkie talkie?"

Rick wiped away the snot dripping into his beard before nodding yes.

"When I set out... I'll call you Rick... we'll keep talkin' until the signal goes out..."

Rick shook his head in defiance before looking towards the ground then back at his friend.

"Alright... I won't stop you, but remember this Morgan, I will never forget you... you will always have a place in this group and..." Rick whispers under his breath, "…in my heart."

"What was that last part?"

"Huh? Oh nothing." Rick then whispers, "I love you."

"Did you just say you love me?"

Rick shakes his head, "olive juice... we need more of it in the house."

With that, Morgan left to pack after giving the peace sign to the camera man who was also tearing up.

Shane's confessional. "Let me make something clear to y'all. I ain't interested in Beth, but it pisses of Hershel so..." Shane shrugs with a shit eating grin on his face.

Shane walks out to see Hershel coming towards him. "What the hell do you think you're doing with Beth?"

"Nothing she don't want" Shane smirks rubbing his head.

"You stay away from my little girl!"

"Aint that up to her?"

"I mean it Shane."

"Tell me somethin' old man what you gonna do? You gonna hit me? I'd like to see you try."

Hershel leers at Shane who's in his face nodding his head, "exactly what I thought."

As Shane is walking away he turns back and shoves Hershel into the pool.

After Rick's meltdown from losing Morgan, various people stop by his room trying to cheer him up but no attempt works just yet. The camera catches Michonne strolling into his room. She sits in front of him on his bed as Rick's eyes are red, and he's clutching a picture of Morgan that Beth, kindly drew for him.

"I know you miss Morgan but I think I've got a way of cheering you up."

"You do?"

"Yea. I'll tell you a secret about me and after I do, you gotta promise to cheer up."

"Alright...we'll see." Rick smiles.

Michonne leans into Rick's ear whispering her secret. Rick blushes and looks like he's taking a moment to imagine something salacious. He watches her leaning back as he breaks out into a shy laughter.

"You better not tell anybody about that." She laughs.

"You definitely aint gon' tell Carl that." Rick teases her.

"Why would I ever tell Carl? That trick isn't for kids."

"I won't believe you can do it until I see it."

"Don't get ahead of yourself farmer Rick."

Michonne and Rick share a laugh together then look up realizing they are being showered with red rose petals.

"What the hell is this?" Michonne says in confusion then turns to the cameraman whose chucking rose petals above their heads.

"What are you doing?" Rick asks starring into the camera.

The voice behind the recording device speaks "I'm enhancing the mood, just go with it you two."

Michonne rolls her eyes "You're enhancing the mood with the wrong guy, I'm with Daryl."

Rick looks down seeming a little disappointed, then as she's turning to him he panics and picks up a bunch of rose petals, tossing them at Michonne's face.

She furrowed her eyebrows and grabs a hand full doing the same to him in return, a kiddish rose petal fight ensues.

Beth's confessional. Beth sits up right in the confessional chair, she stares into the camera and she's all business. "I had a crush on Shane, until I heard what he did to my daddy. No one messes with my daddy."

Beth stops by Shane's room smiling cheerfully. "Hey Shane, I got something for ya."

"Oh you do now? Well bring it over." He smiles at her.

Beth hands him a picture frame. "I was thinking you could put a picture of your wife and kid in there...oh wait. You don't have those things do ya? Well I guess you can just use Rick's wife and son. You pretend they're yours anyway."

Shane looks down at the picture-less frame sadly as Beth left the room. He throws the frame and watches as it shatters against the wall then kicks his bed angrily. The camera then pans over to Hershel who's standing by Shane's door snickering.


	10. Chapter 10 Garden Snake

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**_Garden Snake_ **

Lively producer Lilly narrates what's to come on the latest episode of The Real World Walking Dead. "The cameras in the Walking Dead house roll day and night, they don't stop filming for anything, and a goldmine of action is caught on film."

In the middle of the night Daryl lets out a holler under his bed covers, "ouch! What you biting me for, you think yous a walker now huh?" Daryl teases as giggles from Michonne are heard before Daryl adds. "Do it again."

Merle holds up a flash light clicking it on and off as he aims it at Daryl and Michonne under the moving covers. "Clicky, clicky! What you doing under there baby brother?"

Beth sneaks into Daryl's room saying she wants a sleep over. Daryl folds the covers back shaking his head as Michonne sits up sighing. "Beth this aint a good time." He says.

Beth ignores Daryl and climbs into the bed, then snuggles in between Daryl and Michonne. Andrea comes in wanting to cuddle with Merle and Rick rushes in after her, needing Daryl's room to hide more supplies for the group.

"Naw, Naw everybody get out, get the **beep** out of here!" Daryl shouts.

Beth whines before she pets an angry Michonne's hair.

"I'm gettin' my **beepin'** crossbow and if all y'all aint out by the time I load it-"

"Haha, little bro's gettin hyper, must be all that brown sugar he's been lickin on all night." Merle makes a creepy tongue gesture towards Michonne who finally gets up and walks out of the room.

Daryl springs up to look for his crossbow.

"He always gets like this when he don't get to finish, should we leave you alone for the night Darline." Merle teased before everyone began to chuckle.

Carl pops out from under the bed and everyone is silent.

"Wait a minute, was Carl here the whole time?" Beth wondered out loud.

"Where's the candy-" Carl questions.

"If yah want some chocolate she just left." Merle yelled out before the boy shrugged and walked out of the room.

"I hate the **beep**ing house." Daryl muttered.

A few hours later in the morning, Shane is at it again finding another excuse to butt heads with Rick.

"Alright Shane, you need to back off."

"Make me!" Shane puffed before getting into Rick's face. With a sigh, Rick moved Shane back a bit before Shane yelled out in pretend pain and threw himself against the wall, smashing the lamp and shelf in the process.

"I... but I barley touched him?" Rick said looking towards the cameraman recording the insolent.

"Ahh, did you see that, he attacked me and threw me against the wall, this man is dangerous and unstable!" Shane yells into the camera lens.

The camera points back at Rick who has his hands up defense. Suddenly, the sound of a loud bang from Shane forces the cameraman to look back at him and his suddenly bloody nose.

"See, he got the jump on me a punched me in the face!" Shane screams pointing to his nose.

Rick sighed off screen. "Now I know you're lying, I wasn't even near you that time." Frustrated with Shane, Rick can't get away soon enough.

**Karen "The...?"**

Karen walks intro the house taking a deep sigh of relief, thrilled to be away from the insane Phillip and some skinny brunette with a nagging for house work. She steps into the house seeing Rick walk past her. "Hey there, I'm Karen."

"Are you a producer or something? I already told that Lilly woman I don't have anymore weapons under my bed."

"No I'm the new roommate, Karen."

Rick just stares at her. "Ok? See you around Kathrine."

He walks off.

"Its Karen!" She yells back.

Some time later while out in the backyard, Rick pops his head out from the bushes, startling the couple hidden in the foliage.

"What the **beep** Rick, I nearly killed you-" Daryl says lowering his crossbow.

"Hey now, I know y'all are doing your thang, but don't roll into my crops... "

"Fine, whatever, just go!" Daryl rushes.

"This is my garden, and I ain't leavin, I'll give you two some privacy... but I aint done tending to the plants yet."

Rick pokes his head back in before Daryl pulls aside the bushes to see Rick gone.

"Where'd he go... man whatever?" Daryl sighs before grinning and grabbing Michonne, pulling her into a heated kiss.

hiss...hiss...hissss

Daryl pulls from the kiss. "Is that a snake?"

Michonne reaches for her katana then sighs hearing more hissing. "That aint no real snake, that's **beep**ing Rick."

"Don't mind me I'm just a little garden snake... I protect the garden-"

"What the **beep** Rick, are you still hidden in the plants?!" Daryl questions.

"Naw, I'm one with the garden Daryl... I can never leave... now just get back to what you two were doing... hiss... hiss."

"Dammit Rick, you aint no damn snake!"

At the end of the day, Daryl and Michonne walk out into the backyard hand in hand. The two have had a long day with frustrating results but just being around each other puts a smile on their faces. Daryl takes a seat on one of the lawn chairs while Michonne makes herself comfortable on his lap. Its night out and the moon is full. Michonne leans her head against Daryl's smiling up at the sight while Daryl wraps his arms around Michonne holding his girl close.

Merle stumbles upon his baby brother in a quiet moment with Michonne and it gets him thinking about his relationship with Andrea.

"That's it woman, we done."

Andrea looks over at him showing how little she cares. "Done with what Merle?" she humors him.

"You and me. That's it. We aint in this relationship no more."

"Ok." She shrugs.

"What you mean, ok? That all I git, ok?!"

"Merle what did you think this was? I was only with you because I was bored."

A cameraman sneaks up behind a laughing Michonne and Daryl still out in the backyard together. The cameraman waves for the boom man to hurry up so that they can catch some audio.

"Daryl, how deep are we getting ourselves into with this."

Daryl gets a little nervous. "I'll go with whatever you want Chonne"

"I wanna know what you want."

"I don't want this to end."

Michonne smiles, "me either."

A loud gun shot is heard from the inside the house followed by a slue of profanities from Merle. Michonne gets up from Daryl's lap and runs into the house with him.

"Merle! Merle!" Daryl yells searching around the house with Michonne in toe, "I''ll check upstairs," she calls to Daryl who nods his head and rushes to check the downstairs rooms. Michonne searches through the hallway to see Andrea with a gun in her hands, "Andrea what did you do?"

Andrea happily jumps up and down seeing her friend. "Look Michonne I finally got a shot in."

Michonne then hears screaming and grunting and comes into view of Merle with a bullet in his arm.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle lost his goddam mind so I shot him. I don't know what else you want me to say. " Andrea says with an attitude. "He called me a whore and a rug muncher. He wanted to get shot."

Michonne and Andrea stare at Merle who's in complete agony while holding his bleeding arm. Andrea jumps seeing the newest housemate, "Meesh, who the hell is that?"

Michonne shrugs, "I don't know... she says she's the new roommate." Karen walks over to the two friends smiling with an attempt to introduce herself to Andrea.

"Andrea this is Kristen."

"Its Karen."

Michonne shrugs then walks off to get Daryl.

Carl walks out of his dad's room eating his pudding when he sees Karen walking down the hall. Carl pulls out his gun aiming it at Karen who jumps and puts her hands up, "Don't shoot!" She yells as Rick comes out of his room, "Carl... its alright, she's new to the group. Her name is Kelly."

Karen sighs and stomps her foot, "its Karen!"


	11. Chapter 11 Peanut Butter

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**Peanut Butter**_

In Rick's bedroom later in the day, the overhead camera shows Michonne and Carl playing cards on Carl's bed, while Rick is watching them with a smile.

Shane storms into Rick's bedroom. "Wheres the damn peanut butter Rick?!"

Rick stands up from sitting on his bed and looks at Shane. "I don't know Shane, I thought you ate it off. Shudda saved it for the group."

"Oh you think I'm stupid? You think I don't know you ate off all the damn peanut butter, or maybe you just think I'm a liar. Which one is it Rick?!"

"You stole the peanut butter just like you stole my life don't think I didn't notice."

Shane gets in Rick's face as Michonne hurries Carl out of the room and gets up from the bed. "I'm a better leader than you Rick, I'm a better father than you Rick, Lori thinks I''m a better-"

"Shane shut up!" Michonne shouts cutting him off, " All this over peanut butter?"

"-It aint the peanut butter, its the principal of the matter. I aint a liar!"

Footage from the outside of the Walking Dead house shows Carl seated on the roof swinging his legs, as he spoons scoops of peanut butter into his mouth.

Shane looks at Michonne then laughs, shaking his head as he is starring at Rick with disgust. "Lori aint been gone a few weeks man..."

"Aint nottin' going on between us!" Rick enforces.

"You need to get out." Michonne quickly demands.

Shane looks at Michonne. "Why don't you use that mouth for something more useful than talking?"

Daryl comes in aiming his crossbow at the back of Shane's head, "you don't talk to her like that."

"Oh look, its her little lapdog boyfriend. I was wondering when you'd sniff her out."

Michonne angrily unleashes her katana and points it at Shane. "He's eight times the man you will ever be."

Shane smirks, "What are you gonna do? Stab me? Huh Michonne. Come on then, do it. I dare you. I wanna see you try." Shane slaps the side of her katana blade, "**beep**ing stab me! There are cameras all around this place-"

Shane notices the cameraman slipping out of the room. "Hey where you going?!" He yells.

A loud scream of pain is then heard from the room. Shane crawls out into the hall, holding his stomach as Daryl comes out after him and shoots him in the ass. Daryl sees the camera man, "hey don't film this."

The camera man waves a hand, "I'll erase this clip."

Michonne comes out standing next to Daryl. "I don't know how many crazies I'm going to have the stab in this house, I'm up to two now." She sighs.

Later that day, Daryl is walking through the house when he angrily comes upon Andrea. He's still furious about Merle being temporarily out of the house on account of Andrea putting a bullet in his arm. "Gimmie yo gun. You already shot my brother I aint letting you shoot anybody else."

"No Daryl, I can handle it."

"You don't even know how the safety works."

"I know how the safety works, it right here," Andrea fiddles with the gun before it goes off and grazes Daryl past the temple. Daryl stumbles back and holds the side of his head. "Dammit Andrea in the same spot too?!"

The footage then switches to Daryl's next whereabouts. He's sitting on Michonne's bed as she's carefully tending to his head wound. Before the camera can get to into the moment between Daryl and Michonne, a shocking display in another part of the house takes precedence.

Shane is seen stumbling towards the balcony before thinking back towards his numerous wounds.

"All these crazy people tryin to kill me, I'm lucky to still be alive... "

"Shane... is that you?" Shane turns around to see a female silhouette slowly approaching him before he shakes his head and turns away.

"Dammit I aint crazy, I'm not supposed to see illusions, Rick is-ahhh!"

The female shoves Shane over the balcony before he looks back up to her and gives a smile of hope. She grasps his hands and pins them to the edge of the railing.

Lori bends down and whispers "long live the leader" in Shane's face before peeling his hands off of the railing, as she watches him fall down towards his doom.

The group gathered around Shane's body as Beth began to nudge it with her foot.

"Someone in this group is responsible for this, and I wont rest until I find out who."

Rick looked around the placid group before he saw Lori standing right by Hershel.

"L-Lori is that your ghost?"

"Yes Rick and I know who killed Shane I... saw Daryl push him off of the balcony."

"What, naw thats a load of **beep**, I didn't do **beep** to Shane!" Daryl looks around the room to see everyone doubting him except for Rick and Michonne.

"I know what I saw Rick, who do you believe more, your wife or... some rough neck."

"I'th rather be a rough neck than a lyin cold hearted **beep**!"

"Daryl, you don't talk to her ghost like that, you hear me... until we get this figured ou,t I want you outside at all times away from the group... and you'd better keep out of my garden too, I'll know if you're hiden in there!"

"Your garden aint **beep** anyway, can't grow a single bush to save your life."

"Get out!" Rick command Daryl who sulks off. Michonne walked after him, but not before giving Rick's smirking wife a cold death glare.

Rick walks behind Michonne stopping her. "Michonne... you'll keep an eye on him right?"

"He didn't do it Rick... "

"But Lori ghost told me she saw him do it, the dead don't lie-"

"Rick, if Lori is a ghost, then tell me why everyone can see her?" Michonne points back at Lori who was making faces at Michonne.

Rick closes in on Michonne's face before whispering "It's a poltergeist Michonne, it's hauntin' the house."

"If she's really a ghost than..." Michonne raises her katana,"this sword wont hurt her." Michonne turns around angrily starring Lori down as she comes towards her with her sword. Lori protests, "no stop her Rick, you're gonna anger my spirit. I'm gonna haunt you."

With a roll of her eyes, Michonne grabs Lori's arm as Rick sternly looks on. Michonne aims her katana at Lori's flailing arm as Lori cries out to Rick.

"Rick, I aint a ghost, I, uh, got resurrected-its a miracle!"

Rick gasps as a grin of realization stretches across his face.

"So... if you die in this house, you get brought back to life?"

"Uh... sure?" Lori stammers as Michonne lets her go in shock of Rick's unawareness.

"Than I guess Daryl can stay, seeing as Shane is gonna pop back up any minute now. Michonne, get Daryl back and tell him the good news!" Michonne rolls her eyes and storms off.

Everyone leaves soon after and heads back into the house. Lori looks directly into the camera with her hands on her hips and sighs. "Ok now, so where's Carl?"


	12. Chapter 12 The Boss

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Also, thank you so the reviews people.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'.**

_**The Boss**_

In the confessional room, Rick leans forwards out of the darkness and stares menacingly into the camera.

"I don't know who you people are. I don't know what you people want. If you're looking for Carl, I can tell you I don't know where he is. But what I do have are a very particular set of plants, plants I have acquired over a very long month of farming. Plants that will make you itchy until the very thought of becoming a walker, eases you out of the suffering I will create in your mind. If you let Daryl go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. I will use your body as fertilizer in my garden."

Rick leans back into the darkness, only the vague outline of his silhouette is caught by the camera as he whispers, "now take that straight to your leader."

After the forceful removal of Daryl, Michonne makes a deal with Producer Martinez to get him back in the house. The camera catches Michonne coming into her bedroom where Andrea, Merle, and Hershel are already inside waiting for her.

"What happened Meesh?" Andrea rushes to her side.

"They said they'd allow Daryl to return if..."

"If what?" Merle piped up.

"If I do a no holds barred confessional."

All three gasps in terror.

"Oh my god" Andrea shouts.

"Jesus." Hershel shakes his head.

"Well damn woman you gon' do it?" Merle asks in shock.

"I'd be crazy to not at least consider it." Michonne answers sadly.

"Meesh you can't do it. They'll be talking away your stealthy mystique. They'll make you..." Andrea dramatically turn to the camera lens "an open book."

The entire room gasps again.

"Well girlie if you gon' do this, you gon' need some practice." Merle says as he sets up a mock confessional room, where Michonne sits facing him, as he's beginning to interrogate her. "Alright woman, now tell us...what's your height?"

Michonne sits there stone faced.

"Michonne come on you can do this. It would mean saving Daryl." Andrea motivates.

Michonne frowns then takes a hard swallow. "5'7."

The room all lets out a sigh of relief.

"I feel so much closer to you now." Andrea says in amazement.

Karen's or Carmen's (the producers aren't sure) confessional. "Everyone in this house is crazy. Shane was attacked, most of the time Rick's having a transformation of who he is, Merle spends so much time carving a face into his bayonet, and Beth... bless her young heart but she's so rude."

Beth sits across from the table watching Karen as if she's waiting for the woman's head to blow off. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Beth just shrugs and casually responds. "I'm trying to figure out how you're important?"

Later on in the day Michonne decided to take matters into her own hands, after her and Merle overhear some of the questions the producers plan on asking. Even Merle doesn't blame her for opting out, so the two plan to get Daryl back themselves. Michonne and Merle have long escaped by the time Lilly is sent to find Michonne. Lilly and Martinez are pissed that the two escaped, and everyone in the house is quickly put on guarded lock down by the Terminus security.

The cameraman runs up to Andrea forcing his lens into her face. "Where are they? We've been searching all over but Michonne and Merle are gone. We have no idea how they got out."

"Get that camera out of my face. Do you want me to shoot you?" Andrea screams.

He lowers his camera and starts to pace back and forth scratching his head. "You don't get it, if we don't get them back, if I can't catch most of the drama in the house, the boss is gonna be pissed."

"The boss?"

"The man who's held you all here, the man behind all this. The man using the craziness of the group as his own personal enjoyment."

"Who is this guy?!"

"I've said to much." The cameraman runs off.

Away from the house at The Real World Walking Dead Headquarters, head producer Dale walks into the boss's room holding various video tapes in his hand. "I brought you all the tapes we have of Lori pushing Shane, even Daryl's alibi video. What are you going to do with them?" Dale asks as he's starring at the back of a chair. As the boss turns around, T-Dog is revealed with a deep in thought look on his face. He gets up and strolls over to Dale, "I want the most drama I can get. Burn the Lori tapes, leaves Daryl's alibi video with me."

"You got it boss." Dale says leaving him Daryl's tape, then taking the rest of the footage with him out of the room.

T-Dog chooses the moment to view the evidence of Daryl's exact whereabouts at the time Shane's of fall.

"Daryl every day we go through this...just keep still." Michonne says to a naked Daryl in a tub fill of dirt and suds. Michonne struggles to scrub him as he's flailing around and being difficult.

"Daryl we had an agreement, no sex without you being clean!" Daryl starts to bark around splashing while dodging Michonne scrub hand. "Daryl do you want the hose again?! Stay still or you'll get the hose again!"

T-Dog looks at the footage with a freaked out stare, "what the fuck?"

After some contemplation T-Dog decided to make a drastic decision. He calls in Dale again. As Dale shows up, T-Dog is taking a few drags of a good Colombian cigar. "Send the enforcer after Merle and Michonne. Tell her to shoot on sight."


	13. Chapter 13 M&M and M

**A random parody of the 'Walking Dead' and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

_**M&amp;M and M**_

A cameraman jumps out of Andrea's way as he films her storming into the kitchen. She's soaked and covered in suds from being forced by Lori to do laundry. "The washing machine broke and I need to fix it." She says to Rick before he nods and tells her that some tools are underneath the Kitchen sink.

Lori can't handle a woman doing manual labor and cuts in. "Now hold on a minute, a lady's hands shouldn't go anywhere near a set of tools, that is a man's job. Rick, go fix the machine for us baby."

"But Lori, Andrea's got it covered-"

"Come on sweetie, since that violent woman is gone, we can set all the women in here straight. Women belong in the house and men do all the work. Lets not set a bad example for our baby boy."

Rick attempts to speak in defense of Michonne after the "violent woman" statement struck a cord with him. "If Michonne were here-"

"That woman is the complete opposite of everything I stand for. Instead of settling down with a man, she wants to try and protect you-you Rick, a man-My man!"

"But Lori, that aint right. Not all women think like you, and Michonne had to protect herself and the people she loves. She protected me, Carl-"

"What the hell is so great about her?" Lori gets beyond annoyed by the mere fact that they are talking about this woman. "The stealth, her strength? Or is it her lean body is soooo completely in shape and yet still so curvacious." Lori ridicules with the swing of her bony hips.

Rick just stands there, imaging Michonne as Lori describes, with a naughty grin on his face.

"RICK!" Lori screams knocking him out of his trance. "Later on I'll be cooking dinner for you, me and Carl. And you're gonna eat every bit of it. Its time to get this family back on track!" She storms off, "and fix that washing machine!" Rick has a look of worry on his face, and fears for his taste buds later on.

Carl is seen running in and hiding underneath the kitchen table.

"You never saw me, I'm not here." He says as Rick peeks under and asks if he could hide with him too.

In the woods, T-Dog thought ahead and rigged some cameras against the trees, so every interaction out in the wilderness would be caught on film.

Michonne is gripping various vines and chopping away at them with her katana, while Merle is watching her with laughter. Michonne lets out yet another sigh then looks back at Merle in irritation. "What?"

"Listen girlie, I know you's a good tracker an all, but how 'bout we do something to get them **beep**ers off our trail."

"Like what?" Michonne replies sarcastically, in an attempt to ignore her ill-mannered companion.

"Here's the plan... we strip off all our clothes-butt naked and scatter them around theses here woods... they'll be too busy wondering what's up to track us."

Michonne side eyes him before going back to chopping away at the plants blocking her path.

"A stickler huh? Fine, how 'bout this... we get naked, find some walkers and-"

"Is there a plan that doesn't involve us stripping?"

"Seeing them pretty hips of yours, oh natural is the best part of this here 'venture."

Michonne rolls her eyes yet again, then suddenly shh's Merle and stops cutting away at the vines. "I hear something... it sounds like static..."

"Ha, you going loony from all them hits you took from the bedhead, or is it just the heat gettin' to that dingy little brain of yours."

She turns leering down at the annoying male, a hand reaches from the bushes and grabs Michonne's shoulder. Michonne jumps back and swings her sword down but misses the arm as it retreats back into the foliage.

"Stop Michonne, it's me Morgan!"

Merle laughs. "Hehe, well if it isn't little Ricky's playmate, nearly lost an arm there-"

"How did y'all get out of that house?" Morgan asks.

"We broke out. They took Daryl and we need to find him." Merle says.

"You two must be the one she's hunting then."

Merle pointed his bayonet towards the man in suspicion. "What you mean? Who hunting us?"

**Carol "Look at the flowers" Peletier  
**

Carol crawls out of a makeshift hunt in the woods. She pressed her index finger to her ear piece, hearing the demand from Dale via T-Dog. She moves the stem of a flower behind her ear and smears two thick lines of war paint on her cheeks before she loads up on guns. She kisses her biggest gun that she affectionately named "Cherokee Rose" then starts moving through the woods seeing Merle, Morgan, and Michonne in the distance.

The camera feed goes on in the house, and spots everyone's favorite girl Lori.

Rick gave Lori a gun to protect herself. As she fiddles with it in the corner of the kitchen, Andrea walks by.

The frustrated blonde see's Lori playing with her gun and looks at Rick's wife with malice.

Lori does a double take at Andrea then back at the gun. "You want this don't you? Well take it, I can't stand the way you're looking at me!" Lori chucks the loaded gun at Andrea who dodges it before it lands behind her and goes off.

"What happened Andrea, I thought you wanted-"

"You crazy **beep**, who the **beep** throws a **beep**ing gun at someone!"

Lori waves it off "you need to calm down sweetie, nobody in this house can get hurt with my Rick around."

Carl waddles out holding his stomach saying that his tummy hurts before clasping on the ground.

"No, Carl get off my floor you're destroying all of mommy's hard work with your blood!"

Lori leans over Carl "This wouldn't of have happened if you were always in mommy's sight."

Andrea looks at Lori like the sociopath she then calls for Hershel in a panic.

A few hours later, the cameraman stops Hershel as he's walking down the hall, and questions about the blood on his hands.

"I'm not the only one in this house, with a child's blood on their hands. If I hadn't saved Carl from Lori's stupidity, she'd be taken out of the house for murder."

"So you're saying that Lori is a danger to the people in this house?"

"Let's just say that even with two psychopaths in the house, we never had to worry about our children getting hurt. The only difference between Lori and Phillip is one of them aint married to Rick."

A few different hallway camera angels catch Rick wondering around the house in search of someone. As he's walking around he's noticing that all the lights are on, even in the rooms that are empty.

"What the hell, who left on all of the lights-Lori." Rick pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration before he smell's smoke from the kitchen.

"What's going on, are we under attack?"

"No honey, I'm just trying to make dinner, have you seen Carl, I made him desert?"

Lori points towards a burnt plate of fried cake.

"Hey Lori, maybe you should do something else." He says softly as he rubs her back with affection.

"Well I already got Hershel to take the bullet out-"

Rick pulls his hand back and tilts his head in confusion. "Out of what?"

"Oh just Carl's belly, but never mind that, his organs are just fine... even when I aint holding a gun I'm a better shot than Andrea."

Back in the forest, the two escapees along with Morgan are searching the area, its Michonne who finds a message on the ground.

"Daryl wrote us a note?" Merle wondered out loud.

Michonne side eyes him, "really? Daryl wrote us a note... Daryl." She stares at him like he's an idiot.

She looks down at the note as she read it out, "I can see you."

Michonne looks around then yells for the boys to duck. Merle is too slow and gets hit by a tranquilizer dart in the back, as actual bullets are blasting through the trees around them. Michonne carries Merle with his arm around her shoulder, as Morgan does the same on his end and runs out of Carol's sight with a very limp Merle.

Merle's leaning his head on Michonne shoulder drooling and slurs, "Damn literature almost got us killed!"

Morgan, Michonne and a tranquilized Merle are at the end of their rope, as they stand at the foot of a waterfall before she hears a rustle in the distance.

"**Beep**!" Michonne swears before dropping Merle on the ground and readying her katana.

Merle points to the bushes and say "Michoaah brushes, der brushes!"

"Shut up I know...!" She scowls before looking down at Merle and dragging him towards the waterfall.

"We have to make a jump for it." She sheathes her katana in front of a wriggling and freaked out Merle.

"Yag cazy, norrre!" Merle's speech is still slurred and his body limp from the dart from Carol's gun, Merle struggles to stand on his own two feet but the moment he does another trank dart hits him in the shoulder sending him tumbling backwards over into the raging river, as his muffled voice broke out into shrill yell.

He manages to stop a complete fall by using his trusted bayonet to hook onto some debris near the land. Michonne is dodging bullets and lunges out to grab Merle.

"Marsshhonee heeerp mehaa!" Merle's good hand waved towards Michonne who is trying to reach for the frantic hand. "Just hold on a little longer... dammit!" Michonne is then grabbed by Morgan and pinned behind a tree and cannot move to get Merle. "Morgan let go!" She screams then the two duck while Carol is blasting the ground around them forcing them to stay behind the tree, as it's bark served for a temporary shield.

"Wragh... you birrrgh!" Merle cries out towards their attacker, who shot Merle's arm with another tranquilizer, causing him to go limp once more and fall down the waterfall.

Michonne is about to jump in after him, Morgan is darted in the neck, she catches him so that he doesn't have such a hard fall to the ground but she also uses his body as a cover.

Michonne then feels something hard at Morgan's side and reaches in pulling out a walkie talkie. "I can reach Rick..."

Back at the headquarters T-Dog and Dale are watching the action on a large monitor. They snack on beer and popcorn, there eyes glued to the screen watching the drastic events unfold. "This shows starting to turn into an episode of survivor. " Dale says as T-Dog looks over at him with an agreeable nod and takes another sip of his beer.


	14. Chapter 14 Slap Happy

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**_Slap Happy_**

After staying with Carl all night, a tired Rick walks into his bedroom when suddenly he hears his walkie talkie creating static. He quickly yanks it up thinking he'd hear from Morgan. "Morgan! Are you alright? Over."

"Rick it's me Michonne. Over."

"Michonne where are you? Over."

"I'm in the woods and I need your help..." Michonne jumps as the ground around her lights up with Carol's enthusiastic bullets.

"Michonne! Michonne!" He screams into the walkie talkie then rushes out of his bedroom tripping over a cameraman. He angrily finds Marteniez and grabs him pinning a gun to his temple. "WHERE ARE OUR PEOPLE?!"

Martinez wails. "I don't know what you're talking about man!"

"Michonne's being shot at in the woods. You tell me where she is right **beep**ing now!" Rick screams into Martinez's ear.

Martinez isn't giving up information, so Rick shoots at the hallway camera blocking out footage, before his pursuit in gaining Intel on Michonne's whereabouts.

Rick rushes out of the house to see Lori already in the car, she pokes her head out to see Rick before she drives right into Rick's overly cared for garden.

Lori's confessional. "I've tried everything to get him to yell at me... to give me some sort of, I don't know? Rush." Lori complains into the camera as she ponders different scenarios that could get Rick upset in the future.

"Um, don't you think it's a bit unhealthy to want Rick to... harm you?" The camera man uncomfortably questions.

"Listen, I don't tell you how to get your jollies, so don't judge me... maybe I should go after what he cares for the most... a precious life which he has taken such care of... yesss, I'll snuff out the symbol of his hope and happiness."

The cameraman doesn't even speak as he's growing more uncomfortable.

"Rick is just so calm, it can be so infuriating sometimes... I've seen him yell at other women, so why not me? What makes them so special?!" Lori sighs before getting up and leaving the confessional room.

"Noooooo!" Rick stumbles towards his ruined patch of happiness before he collapses on the hood of the car.

"I guess a woman's place isn't behind the wheel of a car, is it Rick?"

"Loooorrrriiiiii!" He screams in anger.

Suddenly Beth pops out from the backseat and grabs Lori's shoulder, shocking her out of the car, as she assumes it's a walker. While Lori's rushing out of the car, she backs right into Andrea who is waiting.

"Hurry up and grab her!" Beth commands then Andrea tackles Lori to the ground.

"Beth... but why-" Lori screams.

Beth gets out of the car and looks at Rick. "Go to her Rick, we'll deal with this."

Rick nods before jumping into the car, as the vision of his garden fuels his anger, he pull away from his fallen plants and drives straight through the gates.

"How dare you take charge, a woman isn't supposed to-"

Beth sucks her teeth. "Shut up **beep**, there's a new Sharif in town. Now gag her, we gotta hold down the fort while Rick is gone!"

Back in the woods, Carol's team of child soldiers are on the job.

"Alright Mommy we see the target heading towards us, initiating capture."

Sophia whispered into the headpiece before pointing towards Lizzy and Mika then towards the river. With a nod, the two sisters crate a lasso and throw it over Merle's flailing hand to retrieve him.

"How come you get to call her mommy and we can't?!" Lizzy whined as she and her sister drags Merle towards land.

"Uhhh... because I can!" Sophia pointed towards a tree and told Mika to tie him there.

"Now my friend has a new playmate, huh Billy?!" Lizzie says to a walker, tied adjacent to the tree Merle is now being bound to. The walker swipes at Mika's head just as she's walking out of its reach.

Merle began to struggle and shout out for help. "unh tir meh-heerrrpppp! Misssonneee!"

"Shut up!" Lizzy slapped him across the face, making everyone stare at her in fear and confusion.

"Uh, Lizzy, he's tied up, you don't need to slap him-"

"Yurrrp, yarrr crrrasyy-"

"I said shut up!" Lizzy slapped him even harder before eying his bayonet. Bending down to pry it off of his arm, she begins to poke him with it.

"Chill out Lizzy, we need him alive remember?!" Sophia sighs as Lizzy's sister, Mika, tries to lead her away from Merle's squirming body.

"Look Lizz, your walker friend looks sad, maybe you could play with him instead?" Mika says.

"Sure, let's play fetch..." Lizzy smirked before she walked back to Merle with his bayonet in one hand and a tranquilizer dart in the other.

"We can use this guy as the stick, cut him loose Mika..."

Mika and Sophia looked at each other with a hint of worry and annoyance as Lizzy began to tie a single rope around Merle's ankle.

"Don't worry, if he gets too far, I'll just pull on this rope..." Lizzie then speaks to a helpless Merle. "My friend back there needs some exercise and his rope is just a few inches shorter than yours... if you can outrun him... than you win- "

"Look Lizzy, a bunny!" Mika shouts out in an attempt to distract her sister while Sophia calls Carol. Like her mother, Lizzy was yet another loose cannon.

"Mommy, we've captured the target... but we've come across a bit of a problem-"

"Lizzy wants to play with him." Carol speaks back to Sophia via her ear piece. "Well as long as he stays in one piece, I don't see the harm in a little game of tag, besides you children need to enjoy your childish games while you can, have fun honey."

Sophia presses down on her ear piece, "we'll get a new playmate later anyway... that samari woman looks pretty fast... good luck on your end mommy."

Out of nowhere Daryl emerges witnessing the insane display of his captured brother surrounded by three little girls. "Merle is that you, what the hell goin' on? Why you tied up for?"

Sophia gawks back at Daryl who suddenly spots her too.

"Sophia... is that you... I can't believe I finally found you-ha, suck it Rick! I told him I could do it."

Daryl knelt down before opening his arms to a slowly approaching Sophia.

"Deeerrrrl, yarg idooooot, ruuuuhhhn!" Merle's slurs as Lizzy slaps him again.

Daryl turns around to reprimand Lizzy before Sophia closes in on him and kicks him in the crotch. As he crumbles into the fetal position, she continues her attempt to destroy his family jewels.

"Tie him up with his brother, now we've got double the bounty on our end!" Sophia yells pulling her foot from Daryl.

As Mika begins to tie up Daryl, Lizzy stabs Daryl with a tranquilizer dart, then slaps him in the face.

"Dammit Lizzy, stop slapping people!" Sophia cries out in frustration.

"I can't help it... the life force of living things... oh, how it annoys me!" Lizzy laughed before she looked back at Merle and Billy, then down at the bayonet blade.

"Now, let's see if your big brother can outrun my Billy, let the chase begin!"

With a sigh, Sophia leaves and tells Mika to keep an eye on the situation while she contacts her mother, Carol.

"Mommy, mommy where are you? She's not picking up, something went wrong..." Sophia whispered before she yelled towards the two sisters, "change of plan, something's happened to mommy and we need to find her... she could be in the hands of the enemy."

"Oh no, like Penny was... we gotta get her... after she turns." Lizzy whispered the last part before Daryl kicked out to get her attention.

"You knew Penny?" Daryl wondered how she could have known The Governor's daughter.

"Yeah, her and I used to play hide and seek, it was fun until her dad kept locking her away, but I would always spring her free again... maybe that's why he thought she was still alive for so long, haha."

A few minutes earlier, elsewhere in the woods the camera records the showdown between Carol and Michonne. "Look at the flowers Michonne." Carol said from her pinned down position below Michonne.

"Yeah, like I'll fall for that-whoa!"

Michonne dodges a walker that emerges from the flowers before something trapped her foot and caused her to fall. Carol had used her legs to trip Michonne and now she begins to kick the samari with one leg while her other leg interlocked with one of Michonne's.

"I told you to look didn't I?!"

"Ow, dammit, I don't have time for this **beep**!" Michonne grunts.

Michonne used the side of her blade to whip Carol's leg free of her own before piercing the walker, whose limp corpse fell on top of her.

In a moment of Michonne being distracted by the walker falling on her, Carol reaches out for the trank gun. Michonne also reaches for the gun and manages to get a hold of it first, then quickly shot Carol in the shoulder and neck.

"Heh, that poison won't take effect for at least aaahhhhhh..." Carol's whole body went limp as she fell towards the ground with a thud. Michonne considered finishing her off, but the earpiece came alive and Daryl's voice comes on.

"Carol, is that you, I found Sophia!"

"Wellll nooooo **beeeep**!" Carol screamed as she attempted to squirm away from Michonne, who steps on her back to prevent her from getting away.

"Daryl, its Michonne, where are you?"

"Sorry Chonne for makin' you worr-ow, little brat, quit kickin' me! I said quit it, I'll turn this chock hold into a sleeper faster than you can say-whao, where'd you come from?!"

Michonne hears the earpiece go out for a moment "Daryl... Daryl..."

"Good job Mika... "Sophia says then speaks into the earpiece."Oh and Michonne... you're next!" Sophia's voice fizzled off form the line, as Michonne leered down at Carol who was grinning up at her.

"That's my girl!" Carol slurs.


	15. Chapter 15 The Stand Off

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**The Stand Off**_

Michonne doesn't notice how woozy she's getting as she had Carol by the arm, bound and gagged for their stroll back to Morgan. Michonne stops in her tracks seeing Rick and Morgan embracing in a soothing hug as Rick is rubbing Morgan's back with the yearning affection of a lover.

"What the hell is up with these two?" She thinks to herself before she walks towards the men and clears her throat loudly. Watching them pull apart, Morgan and Rick stare questionably at Michonne with a captured Carol.

"Rick how did you find us?" She questions.

"Well as fate would have it, I saw a walker who looked just like Lori, so I drove my car into it... who would have guessed you were in the area."

She feels she has limited time for pleasantries. "We're going back to the house. Carol is working for whoever is in charge and we can use her as a bargaining chip to get Daryl back."

Rick nods his head as Morgan takes Carol from Michonne, seeing how drowsy Michonne appears to be. Michonne sends a thankful nod Morgan's way as he then stuffs Carol into the backseat. Michonne walks after him followed by Rick.

"Whoa, wait-Michonne you got hit!"

"What, where-pull it out!"

"It's uh... in a very particular place... you don't feel it?"

"Ugh, just pull the damn thing out, it must not be that deep if I can't feel the effects."

"Well alright... uh, bend over and hold still-"

"What... fine!"

"It's in your butt cheek, I just gotta wiggle it a little then pull it out... it might hurt-"

"Just pull it-owwwww!" Michonne leans up rubbing her bottom and looking at Rick with the dart.

Michonne hears Carol's mumbled laughter and turns to her. "Really Carol, you just had to shoot me in the **beep**?"

"Damn, little bastard was in deep." Rick smirks at the little dart before looking down at Michonne's butt. "We still got more time, maybe I should check you for more?"

"No that's ok, Rick."

Morgan comes over to Rick and Michonne. "I'll still have my walkie talkie on me at all times, Rick keep yours handy. If I see anything out here, I'll let you two know."

Michonne smiles at Morgan, "thanks for helping."

Morgan nods then Michonne walks to the car, giving Rick and Morgan another tearful farewell, the broke back mountain vibes are strong.

Various cameras are scrambling to catch an exciting new development at the house. Andrea rushes through cameramen fumbling out of her way while she's marching through the hall, followed by the remaining members of the house, including a more tolerable Lori.

"We're on lock down, most of the group is gone. Hershel its just me, you, Beth, useless Lori and Kimberley here. We need to prepare ourselves."

"You do know my name is Karen right?"

"Whatever." Andrea rolls her eyes.

"We should just wait until the men get back. Let them handle it. " Lori says

Andrea sighs. "Lori, I'm gonna need you to take your **beep** back to the 50s."

Andrea breaks into Rick's room and raids his closet for weapons, she hands Hershel a larger gun then takes two smaller ones for herself, then hands a gun to Kimberley/Karen and an additional one to Beth.

"We're breaking out, if anyone tries to stop us, get your aim right and shoot." Andrea commands as she's leading the group towards the front door.

Lori raises her hands as Andrea is trying to pas her a gun. "Wait! Okay. We're women, we're not supposed to be playing around with guns!"

"Then your **beep** is just going to have to get shot then!" The blonde says showing the little concern she has for Lori before looking over at everyone in the group. "Now lets move!"

Andrea's confessional. "So I told Hershel before hand if anybody on the opposite side needs to be shot, he has to be the one to pull the trigger. Because I am soooo terrible with a gun."

Andrea bursts through the front door as she and the small group stand before 50 Terminus guards aiming guns at them. Lilly comes out amongst the ranks. "Andrea, were gonna need you to get the group back into the house!"

Andrea aims her gun at Lilly, "we're in this house for a reason. Y'all need us. You wont shoot any of us!" Lilly pulls out a gun and shoots Karen/Kimberly in the head. "You still wanna play hard ball Drea?"

"You think that scares me? She was literally a stranger to us!"

Rick runs into the backyard with Michonne in toe as she's pulling Carol with her. The three find the gauntlet being thrown between Andrea and Lilly, and Rick aims his gun at the female producer, the showdown now turns into a negotiation between Rick and Lilly.

"Lilly, you can end all this..."

"What do you want Rick?!"

"Daryl back, and Merle, safe and sound. And in return you'll get Carol back!"

"We don't really need Merle back right?" Andrea calls out.

Rick side eyes Andrea as Lilly is speaking into her earpiece. T-dog knows how crazy the group can be and wont allow anything to happen to Carol. "Ok, the boss has made a deal. You can have the Dixons back but you must disarm and get back into the house. Send Carol over."

"How the hell can we trust you?"

"There's room now, with Karen dead." Rick looks to Michonne who shoves at Carol to walk.

"Wasn't her name Katie?" Lori wonders.

"No it was Kimberley" Andrea insists.

"Wasn't it Kyle?" Rick asks.

Andrea rolls her eyes. "That's not even a woman's name Rick!"

"You sound real sexiest right now, girls can have guys name too!" Rick defends.

"But that wasn't her name it was Kimberley."

Michonne rolls her eyes. "Its Kristen are you all crazy?"

Lilly sighs, "everyone it was literally Karen."

Rick shrugs his shoulders, "eh whatever."

"So it's settled then, we can put our guns down, because my wrist is killing me?" Lori complains then tossed the gun towards the side before it made contact with the ground, setting it off.

Suddenly the tranquilizer dart finally takes affect on Michonne and Rick hears her falling to the ground behind him, but he thinks she's been shot. "Michonne!"

In a confused rage, he aims his gun at Lilly and begins to fire off his gun at her people.

"Nooooo!" Rick shouts out before his group rush over to to stop him.

"Rick, stop, they didn't even fire at us!" Lori screams.

Rick pries himself away from his group before he runs over towards Michonne's still body.

"Michonne... not you, anyone but you-"

Everyone looks back at Lori with a glare as she sighs and says "Oh come one, she's not even dead, I didn't even shoot anyone this time!"

The camera then pans over to Hershel sitting on the ground holding his bleeding ankle.

"I want that woman out of this house!"


	16. Chapter 16 Michonne's Pregnancy

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Michonne's Pregnancy**

Michonne's been locked away in the bathroom with her head over the toilet for most of the morning. The vomiting doesn't seem to let up. Andrea is in there with her, holding her dreads out of the way as she looks down at her friend sadly.

Lori's confessional. "It serves Michonne right. All them loud nights of her and Daryl carrying on like a bunch of christian virgins on their wedding night. While Rick is unable to give a simple pump. It just aint fair! I'm glad this happened to her. Lets see how much fun Daryl can have when she's shaped like a beach ball."

Andrea is displeased to see Lori entering the bathroom and rubbing on Michonne's back. Michonne can only groan in disdain, as boney hands are clawing at her spine. "Oh Michonne I bet now you wish you woudda been more careful. You're gonna get so fat and immobile." Lori sees her katana and slowly drags it from the floor, "I shouldn't even let you have this sword anymore, swinging this thing around, you'll endanger yourself and the baby."

"Lori get out, you have no idea what your talking about!" Andrea scolds.

Lori ignores Andrea and makes a false attempt of cheering Michonne up. "Don't worry, pushing out that baby will be the most excruciating moments of your life, all that pain and screaming, at least you'll have a lot to look forward too." Lori pats Michonne on the back with a spiteful grin, then leaves. Andrea follows after her grabbing Michonne's sword from her skeletal grip. "Don't come back in this room again!"

"Andrea, being a guard dog looks lovely on you. If only you could wash a proper plate."

As Lori strolls out of the room sporting a self satisfying grin, she jumps seeing a camera man in her face who starts up a conversation in light of recent footage, he was scarred by in the editing room.

Footage of Rick's bedroom shows a sighing Lori making lifeless motions on top of a naked rick in bed. She's rolling her eyes and yawning as Rick is flipping to the next page of his reading material. He seems to hardly notice that he's having sex, much less that Lori's attempt at love making is a bit half-assed.

"Huh, ow, damn Lori, no more for the rest of the month, you're bones are startin to hurt my sides, besides... I need to finish the book Morgan left behind... it's got pictures of flowers in it... wanna look at it-"

"No Rick, I don't wanna look at your stupid book!" Lori snarls as she rolls off of Rick and glares at the wall.

Rick looks back at Lori before he curls away from Lori and takes out a picture of Morgan that was hidden away in the pages. "Soon." He whispers before he closes the book and blissfully falls asleep.

"Whatever... at least I can sleep in peace-"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, Lori's head is assaulted with a headboard banging against the wall and loud obscenities.

"Yeah Chonne, Ride it! Yeaahhh!"

Lori eyes bug open before she covers her ears while staring at the ceiling. "I hate the **beep**ing house."

"Heee, oohhhhh, yeaahhhh!" Daryl shouts out before Lori begins to silently cry.

In present time, the camera man starts to bait at getting some answers out of Lori. "Lori, are you even happy with Rick... if you want, you can get whatever you're feeling off your chest."

"Like what?" Lori asks, completely devoid of any original thought.

"Well, what exactly do you look for in a man?"

"I want a man who's rough and stern, who knows how to put me in my place-If I'm acting like a **beep**, he'll call me a **beep**, hell, I want him to reduce me to a pet on a short leash-"

"Um Lori... that's the complete opposite person that Rick is." the camera man says in concern.

Elsewhere in the house Merle is taking his seat in the confessional chair. Out of curiosity, the camera man asks about his feelings towards his brother's relationship with Michonne.

"It aint my place to tell Daryl were he can stick his pride and joy, but that there woman is a total nut job sometimes, always tryin' to kill meh for the littlest things. She act like I'm offensive or somethin'."

"So, you don't like her?"

"I'm just sayin' she aint my type, I like a woman who knows her place and cooks day and night, I'll make her my little pet and call her a little **beep** while I'm at it-"

Andrea comes out of her bedroom and looks down the hall to see Lori walking into the kitchen. But what really captures Andrea's attention is the cute camera guy messing around with his camera in the corner. The poor guy was still reeling from his uncomfortable interview with Lori. Andrea brushes her hair from her shoulders and adjusts her shirt to bare a little more cleavage before she strolls over to him. "So, am I ever going to get your name?"

"Bob. Bob Stookey."

The camera man nervously lifts his camera and focuses his lens up at Andrea who's shamelessly giving him the eye.

Andrea smiles and moves his camera aside causing the footage to film at a blank white wall, but their little conversation is still overheard.

"So when are you not on the job? I know I could use a pair of strong hands like yours while I'm in the bath tub."

The camera overhears Bob's nervous giggle.

"Oh am I making you uncomfortable Mr. Camera man."

Later in the day, Michonne can't get out of bed so Lori takes it upon herself to make some intentionally disgusting food for the ill house mate.

"Here you need to eat. When I was pregnant I had the weirdest cravings. " Lori shoves a plate of Ice cream, pickles and ketchup at Michonne. A dish so unsavory Michonne leans over and throws up into the garbage can at the side of her bed. The overhead camera zooms in on Lori, who is quietly snickering.

Daryl rushes to Michonne's door with Merle, after hearing she's been having morning sickness. Michonne had always made sure, that not only was Daryl scrubbed clean, but they there were responsible in matters of contraception. So a possibly baby had taken the wind out of him. Daryl knocks on the door but its Andrea that comes out.

"What do you want Dixon?"

"Is she alright? I need to see her." Daryl pleads.

"After what you did to her this morning? No way."

Andrea goes back into the room slamming the door shut.

"Open up, that's my kin in there." He screams at the shut door.

"Dam would you look at this? I'm gonna be an uncle of one of dem swirl babies." Merle laughs.

Later that day, Andrea is in her bathroom soaking in the tub as like clock work, she hears a soft knocking on her cracked open door. "Come in" she said in delight buried in a mist of bubbles. Bob peers at her in the tub through his camera lens, as she raises a leg in the air and playfully splashes some suds in his direction. "You gonna have to drop a lotta fabric and that camera if your gonna join me in this tub." The camera then cuts to black.

As Michonne finally gathers the strength and will power to step out of her room, tightly holding the door knob for balance, Rick sees her and tries to help his sickly comrade. "Michonne what are you doing up? You need to rest in your condition."

"No Rick, I need to move around, I hate just laying there."

Rick kindly takes Michonne's hand allowing her to use him as an extra anchor for balance. She smiles at him and he smiles back wishing he could do more for her.

"You just need some company, I could have Carl come to see you."

"Carl's under my bed, he says he's hiding from Lori."

"I'm supposed to be doing the same thing."

"Is this like a game of family hide and seek?"

"No."

Michonne laughs causing another smile to form across Rick's face.

The camera man pans away from Rick and Michonne briefly to film in the distance an angry Merle watching the two friends. The wheels start to turn in the most unfortunate of ways in the redneck's train of thought. He knew he couldn't trust that women and now he thinks he sees why.

"Do you need anything?" Rick asks.

"Maybe just some water, I really don't think I can make it all the way to the kitchen."

"Don't worry, I've got some water stashed away under my bed-I'll go get it, you hold tight Michonne."

Merle watches as Rick releases Michonne's hand before walking down the hall towards his room. As Rick's out of sight, a paranoid Merle storms up to an unsuspecting Michonne.

"I knew you was a whore and that dam bastard in yo belly aint no Dixon aint it!"

"What are you talking about?" Michonne asks in shock.

"The baby you carrying."

"What baby? I'm only sick because of what Daryl feed me this morning."

Footage is provided of Daryl's journey of making breakfast for him and Michonne. "Dammit, where all the damn milk go?!" Daryl slams to fridge door closed before he looks over at his two bowls of cornflakes lying dry on the table.

"Naw, **beep** this, I'mma make my own milk!"

Daryl grabs his cross bow and dashes outside, hunting for any female mammal he could get his hands on.

"Hell yeah, a pregnant opossum, she's just as much a mammal as a cow right... better catch it alive, that way the milk will be fresh."

Daryl easily catches the baby bloated rodent before he carries the wriggling beast inside and plops it belly up on the counter.

"You stop your damn wriggling..." He cries out to the rodent before hold it up by the tail and holds up a bowl of flakes.

"Now... how am I gonna get this milk... aw hell, I'll just have to suck it out and spit it in the bowl right... she wont mind, aint like we've never shared saliva before-now hold still you little** beep**!"

"Um Mr. Dixon, we just brought some fresh milk, It'll be here tomorrow-" One of the producers tell the man as he is finally done with the traumatized rodent and sets it free.

"Naw, I only want the best for Michonne, aint no way I'm serving my girl some dry corn flakes and I aint waiting a whole nother day neither!"

Daryl walks to Michonne holding a bowl of cereal as he hands it to her.

"Thanks Daryl, but I thought we were out of milk." Michonne wondered before scooping a mouthful of it into her mouth.

"It's alright I made my own milk... there was a pregnant opossum outside, had to wrestle her for every drop."

Michonne put the bowl down with a traumatized look on her face.

"I don't think milk can have rabies in it, that **beep** was foamin' at the mouth too, but she put up a hell of a fight, shows she's healthy so the milk musta been good-but I aint no vet neither... maybe Hershal knows."

The footage returns to the present confrontation between Merle and Michonne, now interrupted by Daryl.

Daryl comes up behind Merle yelling, "If you call my girl a whore again I'll beat your **beep** into the ground!"

Merle is stunned by Daryl's livid defense of Michonne and acts in a retreating display. "How you gon' get mad at me? I was just sticking up for ya baby brother."

"I told you Michonne wasn't like that and you still acted a **beep!**"

"I'm sorry alright!"

"If you ever insult her again, I'll kick you outta this house myself!"

Daryl carefully takes Michonne's hand and leads her outside for some fresh air.

The outdoor cameras catch the couple entering the backyard, followed by a camera man and the accompany sound person, tip toeing behind the unsuspecting couple.

"Thanks for sticking up for me in there. How much did you hear?"

"The whole thing." Daryl looks down. "I know you aint pregnant but...if you want a baby we could get you one."

Michonne laughs, "yea we'll just go to the store and pick one up."

Michonne looks at Daryl and realizes he wasn't trying to be funny.

"Daryl for right now I want it to be just the two of us...a while from now we'll revisit this ok?"

He looks at her with a nod just as he's hit in the head by the boom mike. Turning around he shoves at the sound guy. "I'm tired of y'all creeping up on us and **beep!** Better yet give me that **beep**ing camera!"

Daryl gets up in a huff and grabs the now shaky and distorted camera lens. Soon a loud splash into the swimming pool is heard as the camera man crashes into the water after being thrown in by Daryl.


	17. Chapter 17 The book of Morgan

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'.**

_**The book of Morgan**_

Lori is in the kitchen watching Andrea doing the dishes with the stare of a dictator. As Merle comes stomping in, he looks at Lori like a stranger and realizes he's never said one word to this woman before. "You officer friendly's wife?"

Lori looks at him and nods folding her arms across her chest.

"You friendly with anybody else?" Merle slowly licks his lips at her as his eyes are drooping with perversion.

Lori shakes her bangs from her line of vision. "I'm not gonna take you talking to me like that. I'm a married woman."

"You gon' take whatever I got to give."

"Is that right?"

"You bet your sweet **beep** it is."

Andrea turns around with the ultimate _what the fuck_ face switching glances between the flirtatious pair. "Are you flirting with Lori?" She asks Merle with disgust in her tone.

"This aint got nothing to do with you, get back to the dishes." Lori demands.

"No, Andrea you get out. Lori you gon' finish dem dishes and me and you gon' talk some more." Merle demands.

Lori hides a blushing smile and fans her heated neck as Merle's behavior is nothing but a turn on. Lori bumps Andrea out of the way causing Andrea to hold her hip in pain before the blonde rolls her eyes leaving the room. Lori resumes washing the remaining dishes with Merle tangling his fingers within her straight hair.

"Aint you curious?"

"About what?" she smiles at him.

"What I can do one handed. I'm sure its a hell of a lot more then officer friendly's been doing?"

Lori is bright red in the cheeks and giggles as Merle sleazily blows into her ear.

A hallway camera catches Andrea as she corners a limping Martinez, "alright where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"Bob Stocky, the camera man, he's gone. Did you guys get rid of him for being with me?"

"No no, it turns out Bob is this really good medic and he's been promoted. He's treating Hershel's ankle in another house. Sorry Andrea."

When Martinez hobbles off Andrea's head drops and she slumps away sadly. [Sad charlie brown music is muffled in the distance.]

Andrea's confessional. "So I get with Phillip, crazy. Merle, crazy. I flirt with Shane. But he's crazy too. I find one really nice guy and you guys just ship him off! And we didn't even do anything in that tub, we literally just took a bath and talked." Andrea's face is red as she angrily starts to cry. "Its just not fair, I deserve love too. And the right to bear arms." She cries even more now. "I still can't get a gun of my own." She blows into a tissue.

Rosita, bob's replacement behind the camera, stops in the hall with her hand on her hip posing as Lilly is approaching her. Rosita chews on her gum and rolls her eyes looking aloof. "Rosita, you need to have that camera on and rolling at all times."

Rosita chews obnoxiously on her gum and strikes another pose, then another and another, frustrating Lilly. "You need to do your job and stop giving me attitude."

"Idiota." Rosita mumbles then rolls her eyes and sloppily holds the camera up with one hand, walking down the hall.

The living room camera films a limping Martinez as he walks out to the group, all gathered together for a house announcement. Martinez sees Rick and coils in fear, the camera never did catch how Rick was able to get information out of him, on Michonne's exact whereabouts in the woods. Lilly and the newest producer Sasha walk into the room. Sasha looks over at a scared Martinez and decides to take the lead. "Hershel Greene refuses to set foot under the same roof as Lori."

A majority of the house mates look to Lori with different levels of disgust as she shrugs her shoulders and combs her bangs from her face.

"He's recovering in another house under the skillful care of medic Bob Stookey. Beth wont be returning to the house until later on tonight, she insists on staying with her father, so today you are getting your new house mate."

Rick is rocking back and forth chanting. "Please let it be Morgan. Let it be Morgan. Morgan. Morgan."

The camera was meant to aim at the front door to catch the new arrival's entrance, but only the boots are seen as Rosita is dangling the camera by her side, distracted as she's tentatively picking at her nails.

Lilly Grunts "Rosita!"

Rosita rolls her eyes and poses with her hand on her hip before holding the camera up to reveal the giant redheaded mass of a man that is Abraham ford. Before the camera can catch the exchanges and reactions to Abraham's arrival, the camera cuts to black. Rosita accidentally turned it off when she shifted into another pose.

Some moments later, Andrea stands at the top of the steps rubbing her chin as she contemplates how she can see her sweet lover, Stokey. Michonne is walking down the hall when she hears a loud scream, and recognizes the voice as Andrea. She starts to run then finds her friend at the bottom of the steps. "Andrea!"

Michonne kneels down checking on the apparently injured blonde, who's crying and rocking back and forth holding her ankle. "How did this happen?"

Andrea stops rocking, and cools it on the tears for a moment looking at Michonne. "Meesh I'm fine, this is just a set up. I need to get out of here so I can see Bob again."

"You're crazy. You could of really hurt yourself."

"You need to play along when Lilly gets here."

Michonne rolls her eyes and cradles Andrea who resumes her false screams of pain alerting Producer Lilly.

"Oh my god it hurts so much!" Andrea screams at the top of her lungs.

Michonne looks up at Lilly who's starring at Andrea in shock. Before she attempts to speak Michonne cuts her off. "She needs someone to take care of her ankle, now!" Lilly nods her head then speaks into her earpiece. "Andrea's down."

Andrea belts out another loud wail as Michonne strokes at her head.

Later on in the day Lori is giving Carl a bowl hair cut.

"Ugh, mom the bowl's too low I can't see." Carl complains as he tries to pull the bowl off while Lori shoves it back down.

"That's the point sweetheart, it's gonna be a surprise, now stop touching the bowl or it'll turn out crooked." Lori lies as she messily chops away at Carl's hair.

Its only Lori who can see Merle as he appears in her room while Carl is basically blinded by his haircut. "Get up honey, were done here." Carl gets up and runs to what he thinks is the door, but collides with the wall instead, hitting his face hard. "Walk it off baby" Lori hollers out while Carl is feeling around for an exit out of the room.

The brunette whispers to Merle. "I already told you we can't be a thing. I am married to Rick."

"Morgan took Rick away from you, my ex Andrea is dating Bob, my baby brother is with that Michonne women, don't you see a pattern here?"

Lori looks at him awaiting an answer.

"People with Os in their name are messing up our lives."

Lori sighs as Merle continues to persuade her. "All I'm saying is you need love too, and you gon' get it from me you little **beep**."

Lori becomes enthralled with Merle as the degrading word slips from his lips, and she tackles him onto her bed and passionately kisses him ripping his shirt open.

**Beth Greene "V is for Vendetta"**

Beth is caught by the cameras in the woods trekking through the trees in anger. She is tightly holding her knife while her mind remembers the agony her father has been through the past couple of hours, on account of Lori. Beth stops noticing an odd hut in the middle of the woods, then hears whistling in the distance, but its only Carol. "Hey Beth. Hows everything at the house?"

Something devious seams to come into Beth's thoughts as she's seen approaching Carol. "I don't know, I needed to get out of there real bad."

"Because of Hershel?"

"Well also Lori's been really sick, coughing and sneezing all over the house. I'm afraid if she stays any loner the entire group will get sick."

Carol perks up.

The next morning a blissful yet tired Lori comes into the kitchen smiling after her romp fest with Merle. She spots Rick and becomes visibly guilty. "Rick...something happened last night."

"You and Merle...yea I know, his bayonet was stuck in the wall." Rick shrugs before he continues his search for his missing item.

"I understand if you're mad at me and you wanna yell and call me a **beep**. Baby I'd understand just let it out."

"Nah, I understand... by the way, you seen that book I read all the time... I left it under the pillow and-"

"Oh that, I think I thew it off the bed-"

"You what?!" Rick's head tilts dramatically towards the side before his expression becomes still with a slight twitch here and there.

"You know that damn book it the only thing in this house that keeps me going!" Rick stares at the floor in anger before he fingers his gun.

"Whoa, Rick what are you gonna do? Listen baby lets just talk about this-" Lori shudders before she backs away from her deranged and overly dramatic husband.

"No! You wanna talk, you talk to Hershel, I got stuff to do Lori, thangs-I don't got time for your nonsense!"

"But I shot him in the ankle, he's not even in the house."

"You figure it out, I gotta find that book and do some damage control-I don't wanna see you-I don't wanna smell you-as far as I know this marriage is over! You ruined my garden, hid my walkie talkie, and now this?!" Rick paces around the room before he takes off his ring and yells tossing it. "That ring right there... I was just using it as a bookmark!"

"You want your stupid book, I'll go get it for you!"

"No Lori, just tell me where it is, I don't want you touching it."

Lori shakes her head and runs up the stairs as Rick is angrily following her, screaming her name. She grabs the book from off the floor and runs into the bathroom. She then dangles the final piece of Morgan Rick has over the toilet, while Rick rushes in seeing the horrid action.

"Merle used this toilet and he forgot to flush" Lori narrows her eyes.

"Lori don't you drop that book! You wont be able to come back from this!" Rick stares Lori down and aims his gun at her, but his aim is so faulty in his anger that the barrel of the gun is facing her feet."

"Where are you aiming?!"

"Its alright, the bullet always manages to hit. I just need to keep you in my line of sight. You drop the book and we can forget this ever happened."

A spiteful Lori actually does as Rick says and drops the book, but in the toilet.

"Noooo noooo! You killed him. You killed the last bit of Morgan that I had." Rick screams and rushes to the toilet falling on his knees with snot filling his nose, drool bubbling from his lips, and his face turning bright pink. The camera pans out of the room as Lori is watching her grieving ex-husband with a huge smirk on her face.

Later that day, as the sun had finally set on the house and it's unruly occupants, Rick had called a marmoreal service in his bathroom, to honor the last momentum he had of Morgan as it laid floating in the defiled toilet.

"What's going on, why were we gathered here?" Michonne questions before Daryl shrugs and tries to get near a grieving Rick.

"What's going on brother, and why we in your bathroom... it stinks like... Merle?"

Rick nods his head before he looks past Daryl at a saddened Michonne who's giving him a quiet condolence.

"Thank you Michonne, but I'll be alright-" Rick stops mid way before he sees Lori, Merle and a bored Abraham waltzing into the bathroom.

"Honestly Rick, it was just a book-" Lori is suddenly cut off by an unstable Rick.

"It wasn't the book Lori-It was the picture inside of the book-you killed Morgan!"

"Your husband's finally lost his **beep**!" Merle jokes before Rick aims his gun at him.

"You... this is all your fault-if you had just flushed the** beep**ing toilet-I could have saved him... because of you, I had to let Morgan go all over again!" Rick dropped to his knees as Abraham twirls his finger near his ear, in an attempt to point out Rick's craziness.

"We don't kill the innocent-we had a code and we do not kill the inn-o-cent!" Rick cries out before he tries to pull the trigger as Daryl, Merle, and Michonne back away from his line of sight.

"Why don't you just flush the water down and get the book before it fills back up?" Abraham, unfazed by Rick's temper walks over towards the toilet and flushes it, grabbing the book with his thumb and middle finger before flinging it at Rick's feet and walking outside of the bathroom.

Everyone is unaware of the wheels spinning out of place in Rick's head, as his mind slowly descends into madness over his soaked and soggy book.


	18. Chapter 18 Let the Grimes Begin!

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Let the Grimes Begin!**

As a camera closes in on Rick running into the kitchen before he rummages into the pantry, he grabs a chocolate syrup bottle and runs over towards the one clean dish left in the house.

"I can see him..." Rick picks up the plate before sitting in the corner of the room and spraying chocolate on it before licking out a few spots to resemble a smiley face.

He holds the plate to his chest before pulling it away with shock and horror on his face.

"...Morgan... Morgan!" His voice slightly distorts before he angry licks the plate, in a desperate attempt to get back some of 'Morgan's' features.

Abe confessional. "This was all pretty hilarious at first, Rick loosing his mind over this guy but... I saw Rick cut down a walker yesterday, split him right down the middle, and tried to read his entrails like a book. This aint funny no more... "

"Hey Michonne... Michonne!" Rick calls out to the samurai woman before she cautiously approaches the room Rick had been hording everything away in.

"Rick... how are you? You need anything-"

"No... and yes... I need you for something... personal." Rick trembles as he says the last part, causing Michonne's eyes to widen as she slowly approaches Rick's room. Rick opens the room door and lets her inside before closing and locking the door behind her.

"So Rick what did you-"

Michonne was cut off by the accumulation of mutilated books stored in Rick's room as well as an incomplete paper mache version of Morgan surrounded by dead flowers and lit candles.

"I... I'm taking everything in the house that reminds me of Morgan... your skin is kind of like his... all chocolatey and smooth-"

"Rick, you need to stop this!"

"Everywhere I look I see that book... but when I reach out... it's never there... " Rick says before grabbing a half empty chocolate bottle and handing it to Michonne.

"Help me Michonne... help me crate a new one... a new Morgan."

"Morgan is fine, we can get him back anytime...he's in the woods for god's sake, but what we can't afford to lose is you." Michonne sighs before heading towards the window.

"Come on Rick... you need some fresh air-" Michonne tries to pull up the window, just to find it nailed shut.

"I sealed it... I've locked us in here Michonne... there's enough food and water in this room for the both of us... I wont let Lori destroy the happiness-you must stay here and help me protect Morgan." Rick says pointing to the mostly finished paper mache figure.

"Dammit Rick, I'm a human begin you can't keep me locked in here forever-"

"This aint a room no more... it's a shrine!" Rick lets out a tear filled laugh before she appears slightly tense and turns to unlock the door.

"You may be able to leave this room, but not this house Michonne-not this house!" Rick yells crazily. Michonne stops and turns around locking eyes with him, as she tries to make a connection to his soul. Rick is starring back at her intensity and seams to realize his distortion of reality some moments later.

"I'm crazy..."

Michonne looks at him with concern. "Rick, you're not crazy." A sweet lie she tells him because all this was looney to say the least.

She takes his hand and leads him towards the giant paper mache Morgan. "But this does need to go. You understand that right? I know he was your best_ friend_ but you gotta let him go."

Rick nods his head.

Michonne exhales. "Its gonna takes hours to pull this thing apart."

Rick smiles and looks at her, "I've got a better idea."

The camera cuts to Lori's room as she's sleeping, and Rick and Michonne are dropping the heavy paper mache of Morgan right on top of her body waking her up in pain. They high five over her as she's screaming for Merle.

Beth's confessional. To make Rick feel a little better we all decided to play a couple of kid games. I thought it would be a good idea but with Rick taking things so seriously all the time...I don't know what I expected." Beth sighs.

**Game 1 Duck, Duck, Walker!**

"Here's the game alright, its called survivor, survivor, walker. I'll go around in a circle, and pick out the survivors, then if you're the walker, you gotta attack."

"Rick I don't think we should play this game." Andrea voices her reluctance.

"Naw its alright, this game will improve our skills for survival. Now the _walker_ in the game has gotta bite people."

"Rick I'm not ok with you biting anybody." Michonne interrupts.

"Good, it'll make the game more realistic. Alright now everyone get in a circle."

As Rick slowly goes around tapping everyone on the head and calling them "survivor," he taped his own shoulder and says, "walker."

"Rick that's not how the game is played." Beth whines.

"This aint a game no more, you gotta expect the unexpected!"

Daryl chimes in. "You can't just change the rules mid game-ow he bit me!"

"I aint stopping until one of you takes me out!" he bites Daryl again. "Daryl you're dead now, you're a walker." Rick orders.

"Dammit man, you drew blood," Daryl says trying to lick his wound as if he's a dog.

Michonne rolls her eyes looking completely over the situation.

Andrea holds out her arm for Daryl to bite, "bite me, bite me!"

"Andrea what are you doing?" Michonne questions.

"Bob treats bite wounds."

Now that Daryl been dubbed a "walker," he goes on with the game and sneaks up on his brother, biting him on the shoulder. "Daryl, what the hell you doing?" Merle shouts.

"You a walker now!" The littler redneck informs.

Michonne sighs and turns around to walk out of the room when she feels a bite on her ass. "Ow!" She turns around and slaps Merle across the face as Daryl gets angry.

"Merle what the hell you doing? I'm the only one that can bite her there."

"Hey darlin' where's your team spirit?" Merle looks at Michonne "if you don't like it, bite me back. " He sends a smile her way that has her sick with disgust.

"The game's over." Daryl shouts angrily.

"The game aint over till I say its over." Rick yells back.

**Game 2 Spin the walker **

The game is short one player as Michonne has literally had enough and goes off to hang out with Carl. Rick brings in a walker holding it by the shoulders, "Ima spin this walker here, and whoever its facing, I'm kick it towards. And its your job to take em out."

Rick spins the walker and as it stops it starts reaching in Daryl's direction. "Daryl you're it."

"I don't got my crossbow!" Daryl shoves it backwards as it hits Abraham who laughs and mocks the walker, "ah man this guy was in need of a serious shave, musta looked like hell even before the turn" he laughs then shoves it towards Merle, who quickly shoves it towards Beth who's screaming in fear and shoves it towards Lori who shoves it towards Rick, in what turns into a horrible game of hot potato walker.

**Game 3 Pin the tail on the walker  
**

Rick lines up the same walker and says the game is to improve the quality of their speed and accuracy with aim, the group only continues to humor him because he needs something to occupy his time.

"Alright, the point of the game is to pin this here raccoon tail onto the walker. If you get bit. You lose. And we'll have to put you down." Beth looks at him fearfully, "oh no, I'm not okay with this."

"Rick this is a bit much." Andrea said siding with Beth.

"Come on, this will be fun, taking down walkers is a blast. What's to fear" Abe laughs as Rick tosses him the raccoon tail and Abe is dodging the walker, laughing and swerving out of its way.

"Stop playing with it so much" Andrea calls out as Beth covers her eyes. Abe trips the walker then waits for it to crawl towards him before he pins the tail on the walkers head. "Ohhh yeahhh! I need another one!"

"Stop this or me and Beth are leaving." Andrea shouts out in disdain.

Abe laughs and stomps the walkers dead to mush, "alright he's dead now. Whoever wants to leave, is free to do so but I'm just getting started." Andrea turned around leaving the room but trips over a camera on the ground belonging to Rosita who was supposed to be doing her job, but is actually doing an assortment of poses in front of a confused Carl and Michonne.

Even though everyone had mixed feelings about game night, Rick appears to have enjoyed himself. As he opens the door to his bedroom, he sees Carl asleep with his head in Michonne's lap. She's stroking his hair, smiling down at him, which brings a smile to Rick's face. She notices Rick and presses her index finger to her lips, warning him to keep quiet. He watches as she eases Carl's head up and gets up from the bed covering him with a blanket.

Rick walks Michonne outside his door, as the two talk in whispers. "About earlier..."

"You don't have to say anything Rick, I know."

Rick and Michonne share a gaze that lingers for too long but neither of them seem to know how to break their steady eye connection, its only the loud sound of Rosita's bobble gun popping, that gets their attention. Rosita is holding the camera lopsided at the two, then shrugs her shoulders, "what..I'm doing my job."

Rosita sighs and drops her camera arm, walking off, "I'm tired...where's that Glenn guy?"

"And you tell Glenn to stop throwing rose petals at us every time we're in the same room together." Just then the pair is showered in petals, as Glenn is sprinkling them over their heads.

"Didn't you hear what I just said to that girl?!"

An annoyed Michonne is fishing out petals from her cleavage, as Rick aims to help her but she slaps his hand down.


	19. Chapter 19 The Mystery Event

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment/Drama and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The mystery Event  
**

Camera man Glenn runs into the editing room at The Real World Walking Dead Headquarters building. He finds Maggie and can't control his panic. "Maggie, something big went down in the house last night that broke up Daryl and Michonne, but all the tapes are missing!"

Maggie is outraged and jumps out of her seat. "What? What are we gonna tell T-Dog?! There's really nothing?"

"Only one tape of Michonne burning a bunch of footage in the fireplace."

"How the hell did she manage to get every tape in the house, there's literally nothing here." Maggie says as she's frantically looking through the limited footage.

"Glenn you need to get back there, someone will talk."

"That's just it, whatever happened apparently was really dark and everyone just ices up. Even Merle."

"Wait, Merle wont say anything on the camera, not even something snarky? Dammit!" Maggie panics.

An hour later, back at the house, Glenn is ready with his camera, he maneuvers around the house and hears Andrea in her bedroom.

"I don't even want to be in this house after what happened last night. And I can't find Michonne...its been hours." Glenn's camera pries into the room to see her standing there with a worried Rick and leering Abraham.

"I'm gonna try and find her...what about..."

"-Rick don't even mention his name in my presence."

Abraham eyes his housemates with distrust. "We shouldn't be talking about this anymore. Last night was **beep**ed up, even by my standards. Dam, if I knew the kinda people y'all were, I would of never stepped foot in this house."

"Dammit we can't have this in the group!" Rick says in frustration of recent events.

Abraham looks at Rick like he's about to beat his ass. "Why are you acting all innocent?"

"Guys this isn't about us, we need to find my friend and those **beep**ers. Now!"

Just then Andrea notices the camera and freezes up. Rick and Abraham see the camera and are silent while rushing from the room.

The camera pans into the hallway to see Merle walking in its direction. Merle catches the camera and bolts. He runs like his life depends on it.

Beth's confessional. "I never thought something like this would happen. Maybe in someone else's group but not ours." Beth cries as she thinks back to last night. "Daddy always says we've all got jobs to do, but I just can't... not after what happened."

The only person in the house that doesn't seem affected by the mystery event is Lori. She smiles dancing around the kitchen, humming to herself and giggling every few minutes as if she's rehashing the event in her head, over and over again. She shifts into some mangled version of a hip gyration, that she calls dancing.

The camera man stumbles upon Andrea again, who comes across Merle in the kitchen. Her instant reaction is anger, "you son of a **beep**ing **beep!**" She screams at him and throws a dish his way shattering it near his head. Merle ducks as she reaches for another one and shatters the plate even closer to his face.

"**Beep! Beep! Beep!** Andrea **beep**ing stop it. **Beep!**" He screams then sees the camera and runs off. Hiding a freshly red scar across his cheek, made possibly by Michonne's katana.

Glenn almost forgets to breathe as he catches Daryl storming into his room. Daryl is the big find. He quietly sneaks up to the door, filming Daryl in the bedroom he shares with Merle. He removes his crossbow and swings it, shattering a lamp by Merle's bed then wields it, shattering every piece of furniture in the room in a wrathful rampage. Tired out, he collapses onto the floor crying, his face is scrunched up and his cheeks flooded with tears. The shattered redneck starts to weep in what he thinks is a private moment in his room.

T-dog turns off his TV monitor in his office and looks at Glenn, Maggie, and Tara in confusion. "This was all you could put together? None of this is funny. Some serious shit went down and you got none of it on tape?"

"Good news, at least we know Michonne might be alive, she did get rid of all the footage afterwards." Maggie says trying to save her crew mates from an angry berating. "But listen, we do have something else for you, I edited it myself so its something you can enjoy in the meantime. The roommates are gonna need a while to get past whatever happened."

"What it is?" T-dog asks curiously.

Maggie nervously looks to her coworkers then back at T-dog. "Well I know you weren't fond of the footage in question ever getting out, but, hey at least its something." Maggie then pops in the tape for T-dog as the three leave him in his office with his TV buddy Dale.

**Author's note. So I wanted to do this ominous chapter because I wanted a break from the everyday dealings of the house. I was watching reruns of the best reality tv show ever on MTV besides the real world. The show is called Making the band 3 (season 2) It has P. Diddy who was hilarious as hell, and its about his quest to make a girl group. Spoiler for the next chapter, kinda. Oh &amp; about the real world, this fanfic relates to the good seasons like the early the 90s/ early 2000s. I haven't seen more recent seasons. **


	20. Chapter 20 Dance Tyrant

**I do not own The Walking Dead or Making the Band. Which this chapter is loosely based on. **

**Author's note: Events takes place way before the group's arrival into the house.  
**

**The lost episode: Dance Tyrant  
**

Bon Stookey former head camera man, now medic. "T-dog had a reality T.V. show before Real World Walking Dead. It was a dance and singing competition show called Making the Group. The show didn't make the air, since everyone was so emotionally broken. Someone made the mistake of giving Shane some semblance of power. And Shane just showed how horrible he was as a person. I think he offended every living thing imaginable, all in the name of _motivation_.

A big red flashing sigh appears on the screen as a warning. "Viewer discretion is advised."

Shane's confessional. "Its Shane Widdy Walsh at your service. And I'm here to make this group happen. To make some dancing, walker killing, superstars. Even if it kills them. LETS GO BABY!"

On the first day of filming Making The Group. Shane "Widdy" Walsh, owner of "Walker Records" is shaping up the aspiring hopefuls. In a large room, he looks at the various _dancers_ hoping to make it into the group. Choreographer Tyresse, aka Big Teddy, had been working with the group on a routine most of the day.

Rick, who is the weakest dancer, gets it the hardest from Shane Widdy. The music starts to play and Rick and Carl are set to go head to head. As Rick starts to dance he shows a lack of any coordination, while Carl is outshining his father hitting beat after beat with each step.

Angry Shane Widdy shakes his head at the eye assault he's getting from Rick's dance moves. He gets up from his seat and screams at Rick. "What are you doing?! What the hell are you doing Rick?!"

"I'm dancing, I'm trying." Rick says out of breath.

"That aint dancing, you look like you going into cardiac arrest, man! You letting me down, and you letting down Big Teddy over there" Tyresse rubs his chin nodding.

"I practiced Shane, I practiced, i just wanna dance... I practiced, I swear."

"Rick you need an ounce of melanin! You gotta get black Rick! At least Latino!"

Rick dances harder, really trying to nail the choreography.

"Rick you gettin' lighter! Rick you too white! You a snow flake! You're translucent! Rick you aint gon' make it if I can't see you! Come on Casper! How am I supposed to have a friendly ghost in my dance group! Look at Carl, Carl is basically Jamaican right now!" Carl smirks as he's doing body rolls.

"Rick I'm taking to air right now, YOU'RE AIR!"

Rick stops dancing, bending over and holding his knees as he starts to break down crying. "But my whole life, all I ever wanted to do was dance."

"You aint got the rhythm! Give up! Give up Rick! I don't even know where to look right now, you invisible! Get a drop of pigment Rick! I'll settle for a spray tan Rick! Give me something!"

Shane switches out the pair with Carol and Rosita. He watches as Carol goes through the routine and she's slipping up every few steps. "Carol, I understand you don't wanna break a hip, so you being real cautious right now, but when Christopher Columbus used to drop it like its hot did you watch?! I hope not! Because that man was a **beep**hole, you gon' learn from a great today Carol, you gon' learn! You gon' step it up, you want a cane Carol. Huh? You wanna pimp cane? We can fancy up your short comings! Carol get your ancient **beep** off my dance floor! They shudda left your **beep** on the Santa Maria."

Shane sits down in his chair next to Big Teddy Ty and chews on a took pick. Big teddy T leans over to Shane and whispers something in his ear about Rosita not giving enough heart. Shane values the opinion and in his twisty deranged way, attempts to motivate the young dancer.

"Rosita, if you gon' make it sexy, make it sexy, make it a dam porno in here! You aint doing enough, Rosita! You aint doing enough! Call me big daddy! Is that gon' help you?! Call me big daddy then!"

Shane claps his hand as he berates her, "pick it up, Rosita! Pick! it! up!"

"Make it dirtier! Dirtier! Make it so dirty your just a smudge on the ground! I wanna see garbage! I wanna see you next to a trash can and not know which one is you! You clean-x right now girl! I don't need my house clean! I need the floor covered in mess right now Rosita! I need it covered in filth and grime!"

Rick looks up, "you called me?"

Shane looks at Rick. "I said grime not failure!"

Rosita flashes her hair back wiping some tears from her eyes, then turns around walking back into the lineup, as Shane Widdy calls up the Dixon brothers to go head to head. "Send him home Daryl, send him home. There's only room for one of you."

As the brothers start to dance. Shane is livid. "Just as I suspected! You both terrible, rhythm-less, backwater redneck inbred bastards! You brother cousins needs get it together! Get it together! Merle you one handed but you aint one legged, you gon learn today, we aint stopping till you learn! Y'all dancing like y'all need a room, you two wanna get a room?! Y'all need to **beep?!** Do so then and come back out with some **beep**ing rhythm! What's y'all motto?! Huh, incest is best?! I'm gonna need you to act like I'm yo momma! You needa please your momma!"

Shane Widdy excuses the emotionally scarred and angered Dixon brothers from his sight and paces back and forth at the half crying room. "Y'all really pissing me off right now, I just got pissed! Right this instant! Right this second! I was gentle before but now the gloves are **beep**ing off!"

Rick collapses onto the floor.

Shane lugs out a giant drum and looks at big cuddle bear Ty who's folding his arms nodding his head in approval.

"Boom, boom, cat! Boom, boom, cat!" Shane says banging on the drum.

"Boom cat boom! If I hear a dog outta y'all, if I hear a chicken clucking, if I hear any other animal but a god dam cat. You gon pay!"

Producers Lilly and Milton come into the room to end the emotional battery. "Alright Shane that's enough, were not doing this anymore." Milton says frightfully.

"No it aint enough! These people aint done till they learn some god dam rhythm!"

As entire group gets into their placements, the music plays again. "Boom cat, I said boom cat! Carol not crackle crackle, what you think this is?! A haunted house! This aint Halloween! I aint in the mood to trick or treat! You aint even got the good candy, candy corn is disgusting! You candy corn right now Carol! I want a snickers bar! If you gon' give me candy give me the good **beep**! Shane yells angrily kicking over the drum as Carol runs off in tears.

Shane calls up Andrea and Michonne ahead of the rest.

Shane shakes his head as he suddenly pulls out his gun and aims it at Andrea's off beat steps.

"Andrea, match your steps to the beat!" Shane fires off a shot near her feet as she jumps and stares back at him in shock. Michonne lunges towards Shane but Andrea stops her.

"Did I tell you to stop dancing! I'm gonna give you some tough love right now-Andrea every step you miss I'mma let off a shot-you miss a beat, you lose a toe-'cause you aint even using your feet to dance right now!"

Michonne literally doesn't care about the dance and just lazily moves to the beat. "Why can't y'all be like Michonne here. Michonne is literally giving me nothing right now and she's a million times better then all of y'all. Look at her, she bad, she break a lotta rules. I wanna give her detention!"

Shane puts on a pair of dark shades and sits back down sluggishly in his chair. He watches the group all together and still isn't feeling it. "Y'all aint hungry! Y'all wanna starve! Y'all some Gandhi wannabees! Milton get me some cheese cake, some apple pie, and a doughnut, I'm gonna eat right in front of these weaklings because you know what I got?! Rhythm!"

Shane takes it upon himself to attack Rick yet again as the struggling dancer is coming out of his mini coma. Rick still has the persistence to wanna keep dancing. "I don't know what type of awkward thrust you did to make Carl but this is complete** beep**! No wonder Carl's such a good dancer, the boy's literally a miracle child! You know what?! Those weren't even your swimmers Rick! Those were mine! I made Carl! Carl got rhythm just like his daddy, me! I'm that boy's daddy! What you gon' cry now Rick?! You should be happy, Carl can actually have a father that's worth a dam, that's got some pep in his step! Come on Rick, if you want your son back, you gon' have to dance for it!"

Next time on, making the group. Shane has assembled the best team of performers, but his early star and favorite Carl, is turning into a major primadonna.

Shane singles Carl out after a group performance. "Carl you wanna have your own gun and wear Rick's sheriff hat, but the whole point of the group is that we all survive together."

Carl's confessional. "We're having a group meeting and all Shane can go on and on about is how I'm not blending in, and I just feel like...whatever I do is never gonna be good enough."

"Can I ask you a question though? What do you wanna be to the group? Do you wanna be Rambo or do you wanna help these people survive?"

"I'm not focused on me me me me. I'm focused on the group and our survival together."

"You like big guns though. You like big guns and shooting people in the face."

"Actually I don't. I don't like big guns. I don't like shooting people in the face. I'm very flexible with what I can do in this group."

"If I bring out Big Teddy, Hershel, or Beth, are they gonna back you up? Or are they gonna say you like big guns and shooting people on sight?"

"Bring them out. I'm not difficult."

Hershel walks into the room at Shane Widdy's request.

"Well he's a good kid, he's very flexible in the group-"

"You see, I told you-" Carl says cutting Hershel off.

"But he did shot a kid in the face for no reason... with a big gun." Hershel claims as Carl looks back at a disappointed Shane.


	21. Chapter 21 Tension

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

_**Tension **_

Its been a few days since the conundrum at the house. The tension is thick, and its stifling for house mate Beth, who takes the opportunity to visit her father, who's recovering in an accompanying house. A camera catches as she walks up to the front door and notices its locked. She turns around jumping at the sight of an expressionless dark haired man. "Oh my god you scared me."

"I'm Garreth, I do all the cooking here."

"Can you get inside? The door's locked." Beth turns checking through the window to see if anybody is moving around inside. Garreth comes up behind Beth's neck smelling her flesh. "Mmmm.."

Beth flinches and quickly moves away from him. "What were you doing?"

"Nothing, I was trying to look over your shoulder. Whoever is around might wanna see my familiar face." Gareth says as Beth looks at him oddly.

"What percent body fat do you have? He asked.

"What?"

"How much meat do you think you've got on you?"

Beth turns around banging on the window for someone to open up, as Gareth is sprinkling salt on her exposed shoulder. Beth screams feeling his nibble. "What's the matter with you!?"

He ignores her. "Hey what's your blood type?"

Filming is back on track at the main house and catches Abraham with Michonne in her room.

"Alright Michonne, I've got a mission for you, 10 sets of push ups, sit ups and-"

"I already did them, 100 at the very least." Michonne answered back before Abraham playfully side eyed her. She could tell he was trying to distract her mind from the troubles of the past few days.

"I don't mean to burst your bubble sweetheart, but there's no way you could have done them so fast... you just woke up cadet... show me how you did it."

Michonne rolled her eyes before she displayed her technique for him.

"I see now, you use the bed for extra support... here let me show you how it's really done." Abraham plops down next to her before she sighs, "everyone has their own way of doing this..."

"Nope, cause if you do it wrong, you're just tiring yourself out, if you don't feel the burn here" Abe pokes Michonne in her stomach "or here" Abe moves his finger towards the side of her thigh "or atleats-"

Michonne moves his hand away, frustrated with his poking, before telling him "show me then" as he smiles and says "watch the master."

Abraham waits for her to get up and watch him as he begins to do a very slow crunch.

"I can do that in half the time-"

"You do it too fast, and you don't get the full effect-come on and join me!"

Merle passes by the room with his brother in toe, as they watch the pair work out. "Don't forget the cardio!" Merle jokes as Daryl gives an awkward smile to lighten the mood.

Michonne just continues to work out, as she ignores the brothers. Abe on the other hand jumps up and slams the door in their faces. "Ah, meh good hand, it was in the **beeping** door you piece of **beep**!" Merle screams out as he's blowing on his reddened fingers while Daryl shoves the door back open.

Abraham is quick to confront the brothers. "How about you little girls go back to your tea party and leave Michonne and I alone to do some real work."

"You the one workin' out with a chick!" Merle points his bayonet towards Michonne while she grabs her katana aiming to leave the room.

Abraham stops her. "Little **beep**s like this don't last long in the army-let me take care of them sweetie!"

Michonne gives him a side smile as Abraham tells Merle to give him 50.

"Seeing as I'm one handed, this should be interesting, huh carrot top?" Merle jokes as he gets on the floor to do a push up. Abraham slams his foot down on the redneck's back, and forces a squirming Merle to flail about in anger against the ground, while Abe gives out a satisfied smirk.

"Come on **beep**, can't you handle a little weight, all you need is one push up!"

"Crazy son of a **beep**!" Merle screams.

Daryl charges in to help Merle, but Michonne stops him with the tip of her katana.

"Merle said he could do it... helping him now would be in insult to his 'character.'" She side eyes the older red neck while Daryl is torn on what to do. Rick is near by watching the whole thing before he walks by to stop Abraham.

"Since when did you and Michonne get so close anyway, how come you feel the need to attack one of our own?!"

Abraham finds it funny Rick would say that, considering the behavior he and the Dixon brother's displayed a few days ago. Abraham finally gets off of a barely conscious Merle as he steps to Rick.

Michonne quickly intervenes as her soft spot for Rick wont allow the confrontation. "Abraham stop!"

At the kitchen table, its only Merle, Rick, and Daryl that can stand the company of each other. So they are surprised when Beth comes out with three containers of chili. A camera follows closely behind her as she speaks. "You three look down, here's something to lift your spirits."

Merle and Daryl eagerly snatch their containers out of her hands then begin to wolf down on their food, as she happily gives Rick a container of hot chili too.

"Wow Beth did you make this? It tastes great!" Rick compliments.

"No, I can't take the credit, you should be thanking Gareth... and Merle." Rick and Daryl stop as Merle shrugs chewing on a piece of meat. "This meat's kinda crunchy-is this a finger nail?!" Merle yells before throwing the chili towards the side while Rick and Daryl begin to stare down at their 'food.'

"Yeah, well Garreth really put his foot into making this... or should I say... Merle's hand." Beth does a little wink before walking out of the room as the three southerners begin to panic.

In another part of the house, specifically in Abraham's bedroom. He's spotted alone with Michonne again.

"You know what Michonne, you're alright, but why are you helping out a little **beep** like him." Abraham speaks of the the so called _leader_ of the group.

"I'm still apart of his group, that night didn't change a thing... I'm just... I just need a break." Michonne became a bit saddened, which was the opposite mood he wanted for her.

"If you were with me in the army, I bet you'd be the second highest cadet."

"And who would be the first?"

"Well I didn't want to brag but..." Abraham and Michonne let out a small laugh as she playfully shoves him.

Much later on, the camera men follow the group, as everyone gathers together outside, where there's a small platform built surrounded by a slew of armed terminus guards. Sasha walks out to greet the group. "We're doing trust exercises today. There's been far to much tension in the house."

"What are the guards for?" Andrea asks.

"Everyone must attempt each task they are given, if not they get shot. I've put a lot of time and effort into these trust exercises and you will participate."

Daryl, Rick, and Michonne are lined up facing Andrea, Beth, and Abraham as Merle climbs the attached latter leading to the platform.

"This is called a trust fall, Merle you must trust in your fellow house mates to catch you. Turn facing away from the group, cross your arms against your chest and when you're ready, say the words, "ready to fall." The group will let you know when they are ready by responding with "fall away."

"Ready to fall!" Merle screams.

The entire group responds "fall away!" As Merle's body is falling Andrea pulls back her arms and picks at her finger nails, Abe folds his arms against his chest as Michonne sets her hands on her hips. Simultaneously, Rick pulls his arms back as he hears static on his walkie talkie thinking its Morgan trying to reach him, and Beth kneels down to tie her shoelace, all causing Merle to have a crushing fall to the ground.

"My back! My back! My **beeping** back!"

Daryl, the only one to keep his hands out, only managed to grab his brother's left leg from slamming into the ground.

"Y'all so damn petty! How y'all just gon' drop my brother like that?!" Daryl yells.

Michonne sucks her teeth and Daryl sends a dirty look her way before she angrily cuts her eyes at him.

Sasha resumes speaking. "Ok that was very unsuccessful. Next exercise!"

A minute later, Michonne is forced to be the ginnie pig for the next challenge. She walks across the tightly bridged arms of Rick and Andrea, then towards the next pair, belonging to an angry Daryl and a smiling Beth. As she reaches the final set of arms which is Abe and Merle, Merle yanks his one arm away causing Michonne to fall, but she is caught bridal style by Abe. "Look at you sweetheart, you're as light as a feather." Abe laughs as Daryl stares daggers at the large redhead.

"Alright, you obliviously aren't taking this seriously-none of you are entertaining when you're all pissed at each other. The house is divided and its time for some serious mending! it's time for the next exercise!" Producer Lilly comes up to Sasha speaking into her ear before Sasha searches around the group. "Oh my god, where the hell is Lori?"

Footage shows Lori inside the house passed out on the couch, drooling profusely, while Carl is running around hacking at the air with a hatchet he found around the house.

As their loosing sunlight and its getting to late in the day, Sasha gets a bright idea and sends everybody back in the house. She looks at Lilly, "I have the perfect way to get this group entertaining again."

"What is it?" Lilly is on pins and needles.

"You'll see." Sasha smiles.

Hours later Andrea is walking into the kitchen when she stops at the sight before her eyes. Rick walks up behind her also shocked by what he sees. The camera pans around to film in the direction they are looking at and sees the kitchen filled with endless assortments of the hardest liquor imaginable. Rick and Andrea stare at each other before running around the camera man screaming for everyone's attention.


	22. Chapter 22 Feral Daryl

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Feral Daryl  
**

After another one of Andrea's failed attempts to injure herself in order to see Bob backfires, Michonne takes the morning to tend to her friend, who might seriously have a concussion and a cold after slamming her head into a wall, staying all night in the pool, and laying outside naked. So yea, Andrea was in it to win it. Michonne sits down next her groaning friend who's burning up with a fever, "come on, you need to sit up."

"No, just leave me!"

Michonne gently sits Andrea up, seeing her looking pale and weak. "You know I'm not leaving you." Andrea looks at Michonne who's handing her two pills and unscrewing a bottle of water for her.

"I know you care about him, but one of these days you're literally gonna kill yourself."

Andrea just frowns in response.

Later in the day, the overhead camera in Abraham's bedroom films the large redhead as he gets up to leave his room. Daryl comes up to his door and sees Michonne inside flipping through a magazine on Abraham's bed. "Chonne I'm trying to get to you but there's a red brick wall in the way."

Abraham pulls out a spray bottle anticipating Daryl's arrival.

"What the hell you gon' do with that?"

"I'ma train you mutt! Stop sniffing around what's not yours!"

Daryl growls at Abraham before he aims the spry bottle full of water at Dixon.

"Cut it out man, I'm just trying to get to Micho-"

Abraham spays Daryl in the face as a warning before yelling "down boy!"

As Daryl is wiping water from his face, Abe sprays him again.

"Cut the bull**beep**, that stings-" Daryl screams as water and anything cleansing, is a punishment to him.

Abe spays him again, but this time Daryl crouches down and tries to aim his cross bow at the red head. Michonne just shakes her head as Abe slaps the crossbow out of Daryl's hands and spays him twice.

Daryl stands down, soaking wet to the bone. He looks back at Michonne before Abe aims his bottle at him making him flinch and whimper.

"Good boy, now run along..." Abe commands Dixon before he points at his crossbow.

"B-but my b-bow-"

"I said get!" Abraham squirts Daryl causing him to yelp and run off.

Daryl's confessional. Daryl is rubbing his face and body with squirrel pelts. "That crazy bastard sprayed all my smell off, I felt naked and exposed, now I gotta roll around in the dirt to get my good funk back!"

Moments later, a camera narrows in on Rick talking with Daryl. "If you want your girl back, you need to stop acting like such a damn animal!" Rick says as he's trying his best to clean the living room.

"What you mean, I aint actin' like no damn animal!" Daryl barks back as he angrily licks his water drenched hand.

"You know what Daryl, it's kind of a shame, you wanting to be human, I bet Shane would have been able to teach you.. to bad you pushed him off the balcony-"

"Man cut the **beep**, you know I didn't push him, I thought you had my back!"

"If you didn't push him, then who did?!" Rick lashed back as he tilts his head dramatically to the side, to emphasize his point.

"I don't know, but it were'nt me!"

Rick puts his hands on his hips before looking down. "Daryl... I can't help you if you keep lying-"

"Man **beep** you, you're ex got you twisted in the head, all wrapped around her finger like a bug on a branch!"

"At least my ex can trust me, unlike yours! What you did that night... had me doubting you ever since... don't blame me for not believing you- blame yourself!" Rick snaps as Daryl begins to snarl before snapping at Rick's nose. Daryl see's Rick's hand on his spare water bottle before he nods back at Rick while backing up.

"So it's like that huh... thought we were a pack Rick... wolf brothers." Daryl walks off before Rick looks down at the floor yelling at Daryl's feet.

"You tracked mud Daryl... you bring dirt into this house again, you'll get the bottle!"

Sad puppy Daryl misses Michonne and if it takes finally being house broken to get her back, so be it... but who can teach him the ways of the humans...?

As Beth is making herself a sandwich, a heap of dirt covered human pounced on her table and devours her food.

"Dammit Daryl, down boy!"

"Beth, you're human enough, teach me how to be... like you."

As Beth gets up, she slowly backs away from Daryl before running out of the room. Daryl growls, seeing his chance to become human slipping away, but stays put, hoping to lean to control his desires to track and hunt.

"You're not chasing me?" Beth wonders out loud before Daryl sits on all fours wiggling his butt.

"Nope, 'cause I'm a good puppy! Now learn me!"

"You mean teach me!"

"Same thing, now put some human knowledge in my head so I can get my girl back!"

"First, get on the seat and stop sitting on the table."

"Damn, next you're gonna be telling me to wear underwear!"

"You're not wearing any?" Beth says in disgust before he crosses his arms in defense.

"If army boy gets to go commando, so can I, plus the smell keeps the predators and walkers away!"

Daryl randomly starts to lick his fingers clean.

"Daryl you can't do that anymore, you have to use a napkin. Don't you want her back?"

"Naw screw all dis, that dam girl broke my heart anyways! I'm a lone wolf now!" Daryl takes off with his crossbow in his mouth. As he ascends past the gate, he lets out one mighty howl and scampers off into the forest.

In search for Michonne, Rick finds her in the hallway talking to Abraham. The redhead has her in a fit of laughter as they are closely talking. Rick jealously watches as Abe leans into her ear whispering something that releases even more laughter from the normally calm Samari. Rick watches as Abe leaves before he walks up to Michonne.

"Michonne... we need to talk." Rick says with something hidden behind his back.

"It's a leash..." Michonne answered back before Rick shifts his weight from left to right foot, while angrily gripping the long red plastic rope.

"Michonne... Daryl ran off, you know that when he goes on walks he needs his leash! He ran off into the forest and he might not come back-"

"Daryl is not my responsibly anymore." Michonne moved away from Rick as he threw the leash towards the side.

"We lost him, he's a runaway now... he'll be just another stray-he can fend for himself but... he needs humans-"

"You've always exploited his animal like abilities for you own sake... he probably got fed up and left..." Michonne placed her hand on Rick's shoulder to comfort him. "Think about it Rick, he was never ours to begin with... we got to let him go... "

Rick nodded his head, realizing that there would always be apart of Daryl that no lover or leader could ever tame.

Rick lashes out at the near by cameraman who's closing up on Rick's flaring nostrils. "You're probably getting a kick out of this, because of you, we lost our Daryl!-Instead of filming us all the** beep**ing time, you should have locked the **beep**ing gate!"

Michonne sighs and walks away heading to check on Andrea again.

"I'll deal with you bastards later... you can be the one to tell Merle about Daryl's escape." Rick looks pretty smug before the camera man interrupts him, "actually, I'm not allowed to interfere with the housemates soooo... good luck with telling Merle the bad news, officer Rick."

Later that day the overhead camera in the kitchen films Rick cleaning up a storm. He runs his hand over the smooth kitchen counter whispering to himself, "Morgan would be so proud." Lori walks in rolling her eyes. "Rick this was the best you could do? It aint clean enough in here."

"We're not even married anymore so why do you keep nagging me? Besides I didn't clean for you I cleaned for Morgan. The person I owe my life to."

"After everything I've done to get back to this family after the vote out...dammit I shoved Shane off the balcony for you!"

"You pushed Shane, and you blamed Daryl for it?! We lost Daryl for an entire day Lori! An entire day! And now he's gon' all over again."

"You can't blame this time on me Rick! I've been good!"

"You've been asleep! All over the house, I can't get the drool out of the couch Lori!"

"You wouldn't have supper on the table if it weren't for me-"

"You burn everything!" He screams at her.

"There may have been fire on my food but at least I wasn't cold in the bedroom!"

"Well Morgan did it better."

Lori gasps.

"We're still talking about food right?"

As Abe is minding his own business eating a bowel of cereal Michonne made for him, Rick comes into the living room. The former sheriff sees who he's been looking for. "Lets just get one thing straight, I don't know what your agenda is with Michonne, but if I don't like it you're outta this house."

"Listen here Prick, what Michonne and I do is none of your business."

"The second you spoke to her, it became my business."

Michonne enters the room with her bowl of cereal. "Abe, Andrea doesn't want to come down to eat with us." She sees the two of them in each others faces, as Rick leans into a smirking Abraham. "Remember what I said."

"What did you say?" Michonne asks confronting Rick.

Rick walks up to her starring her in the eyes. Neither break eye contact as he picks up the spoon from her cereal bowl and shoves it in his mouth, crunching the flakes between his teeth before dropping the spoon back into her bowl and strolling off with the parting words "Have fun."

Rick's confessional. "Abraham may have started this war but I'm gonna finish it."

Michonne's confessional. Michonne sits in the confessional chair looking puzzled after the confrontation with Rick in the kitchen. She has her bowel of cereal in her lap and looks down at it then back up at the camera. "I don't even know if I should eat this or not."


	23. Chapter 23 Spring Cleaning

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**Spring Cleaning  **_

As the housemates wake up from their slumber, they see cleaning uniforms on their door's with a post-it note saying 'wear this'-Rick. As one housemate also see's a pair of fishnet stockings, high heels and an over sized duster, she shrugs it off, thinking this was just another one of Rick's activities she'd have to play along with. She puts her skin tight bodice and short flared skirt uniform on, replacing the sword of her sheath, with the handle of the duster. Standing in front of her mirror she places her hand on her hips sighing, "I hate you Rick."

As the group assembles downstairs, it's Michonne's daring outfit that sticks out.

"I don't know who I feel worse for, you Mi-chonne or Daryl for not being here to see this!" Merle muses out loud as he checks out a stoic Michonne.

"Andrea where's your uniform?" Michonne asked her friend whose was wearing a loose fitting gray smock as Andrea says "I'm wearing it! But where the **beep** is yours?"

Michonne yanked at the hem of her skirt with a heated face. "I'm wearing it... "

"Yeah, but where's the rest of it?"

"What the **beep** Michonne, what are you wearing?!" Abraham, who was the last one to come down the stairs shouted out, causing everyone to stare at Michonne, who was trying to hide from the group.

"Yeah, take them heels of slowly for ol' Merle..." Merle flicks his tongue at her, as Abraham stomps in front of her shielding her from the Dixon's view.

"Your clothes are way too revealing Michonne-" Lori is cut off by Michonne's glare. "If you want to complain, go talk to Rick... I'm not sure why he gave me these clothes either."

As Rick descends down the staircase, he has a whiteboard in one hand and some markers in his holster.

"Alright everyone, the one thing I learned from being in a fruitless marriage, was that if the house is clean, it's one less thang yo' wife can complain about-this here is the chore-board and everyone's gotta do their part to keep this house clean." Rick writes down his and Michonne's name first, then Abraham and Lori, Andrea and Merle, then Beth's name last.

"What type of teams are those-?" Andrea is cut off by Abraham who was pointing at Michonne.

"What the hell's your agenda, making her dress like that-if she bends over and anyone sees her skivvies, they'll be hell to pay!"

Merle peeks behind Michonne, who crosses her arms over her chest.

"Let's just get this over with... do I really have to wear these heels and this uniform?" Michonne asks.

Rick nods, ignoring Abe before saying "it's so you can reach high places, and it was the only uniform that could fit your... physique."

"I don't like this!" Abe snares over towards Merle then back at Rick.

"Well too bad, if it helps, just think of it as another mission." Rick sasses as he began to write on the board.

"Michonne and I will do the bed rooms. Merle and Andrea will clean outside of the house, including the roof.

Andrea looks over at Merle. "Seeing as you've got one hand, it should keep you twice as busy, Merle." Andrea smirks at her angered partner.

"Ford and... Lori you get the basement and the attic-"

"Why can't I do the laundry or dishes?" Lori complains as Abe sighs out in frustration.

"I've planed out everything Lori, he can move things and you can fit into tight places... that leaves Beth with laundry and dishes... once you're done you can visit Hershel."

Beth just nods in response.

As the members of the house leave the living room, Abraham stays behind for a moment to _comfort_ Michonne.

"When I'm done with the basement, I'll stop by to check up on you..." Abraham leans in for a hug as does Michonne before Rick steps in, not only intercepting the hug, but grabbing Michonne's hands in the process.

"Come on Michonne, I'll help you up them stairs." Rick leads Michonne away from Abe who glares back at his _leader_.

"You'd better not be up to anything, Prick-I'll-"

"Get to work Sargent Ford, them cobwebs aint gonna clean themselves." Rick smirks at the flustered red head as he storms out of the room.

The cameras located in the room record Rick and Michonne as they are alone together cleaning Abraham's room. Michonne looks over at Rick's who's not even cleaning, but searching through Abraham's things. She walks over to him in her heels and yanks some magazines away from Rick. "We're not going through his stuff. We're supposed to be cleaning."

"I am cleaning... its not my fault all he has is junk. You can't survive living in the past." Rick says as he takes the military magazines back from Michonne and tosses them into the trash.

"What the hell is your problem?!" Michonne yells. She attempts to bend over to pull the magazines out of the trash but quickly realizes that was not an option. "Rick, put his magazines back, now."

Downstairs in the basement, the dark room is covered in cobwebs and Lori continuously overreacts each time the webs get in her face.

"Just wipe it off!"

"Is that a black widow, oh good lord!"

Abe rolls his eyes before flicking the web and spider out of his way as it lands on Lori. "It on me, IT'S ON MEEEEE! Get it off!" Lori runs around the room as Abraham finally steps in front of her, causing her to crash into him. Abe squints his eyes to see the small spider before flicking off of her and onto the floor.

"That was so sad... even for you." Ford sighs as he points towards some boxes.

"The sooner we can clean this room, the faster I can check on my bud. So lets go Lori, go behind them boxes and see what you can clean out."

"N-no, it's dusty-"

"That's why we're dusting it woman! I thought you loved cleaning!" Abe mocks her as he moves some of the boxes away for her to squeeze behind as Lori begins to cry.

"If I knew Rick could be so cruel, I would have put more effort into our marriage." She weeps as Abraham shakes his head in mock pity.

"Anit no way anyone's havin' it worse than me." He remakes as the camera pans away from them and onto another pair in the house.

Back on the roof, Merle is on top spraying leaves and other debris out of the drain pipe. As he looks down he see Andrea fishing leaves, and some of her own clothes, out of the pool.

"Hey Andrea, I can see down your shirt!" Merle shouts out as Andrea removes one of her shoes and throws it at him, setting him off balance.

He sprays her with water and in the midst of their fight, he slips and slides down the roof.

"Oh **beep!** Andrea, get the ladder! I'ma slip!" Merle cries out with his hand clinging to the storm drain, as his bayonet hand is flinging around in dismay.

Andrea smirks and takes the hose Merle had dropped before spraying his back.

"What the **beep** you doing, cut it out **beep**, crazy **beep!**"

"What Merle, can't you see I'm trying to spay off the dirt?"

"I aint no **beep**ing dirt!"

"Ha, could've fooled me, oh I missed a spot."

Back in the bed room, Michonne is trying to reach a corner of the room with her duster as Rick is cleaning beneath the bed.

"Look what I found!" Rick happily calls out, as he's holding Carl by the shoulders.

"Hey Carl, why do you keep hiding under everyone's beds?" Michonne looks back at the young boy as he shrugs. "It's the only place where I know who I am anymore."

"Dammit Carl, are you going through another phase again-"

"Why is Michonne's skirt so short?" Carl wonders out loud, making the woman uncomfortable and his father shoves him out of the room.

"Why don't you go help Beth with her chores."

Rick closes the door on Carl, as Michonne repeats Carl's question to Rick.

"Why is my skirt so short... ?" Michonne asks Rick as he shrugs.

"We ran out of uniforms, so I had to get you a special one..."

"Rick... don't bull**beep** me, what's really going on-"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how clean is this room?" Rick asks as he's plopping down on Abraham's bed and smiled at her while patting on a spot beside him.

"Well, it was a 28 but now that you laid on my clean sheets... I''d have to say 11."

"Seeing as I make thangs dirty, how about you come over here and help me clean up-"

"Rick... that's Abe's bed-"

"I know." He says happily lounging on the soldier's bed.

"I'm gonna go clean the next room now." Michonne says strutting out, her heels clicking in the distance.

"Ok I'll join you-"

"How about you clean Daryl's room... I can handle mine and Andrea's on my own... I'll join you later." Michonne gestures towards the Dixon's room, which was littered with dead animals, dirt and what the housemates hoped was mud.

As Rick open the room, he closes it back in horror and disgust. Rick gestures for the camera man to back away from the room, as the staff run pat him to label the room as a safety hazard, with bold yellow tape.

"Oh god Michonne, you actually slept in there? One of the carpets just ran across the floor!"

"Daryl kept it semi-clean... but I guess he just let it get dirty after..."

Rick walks over towards her as he suddenly looks down at her hand and grasps it.

"About that night... I'm sorry about being apart of that..."

"If making me wear this outfit and picking fights with Abe is your way of saying sorry, I'd hate to see what you do when you're mad."

"You still mad at me, huh?" Rick looks down at the floor as Michonne can't stand to see the man's saddened face.

"Alright, lets leave Merle's room for later, we can clean my room."

As Rick looks into their room, Michonne's room is practically spotless, aside from what he guessed were Andrea's unmentionables laying on her bed.

"I'll clean your half, you can do Andrea's... it's only right." Rick says, feeling a bit embarrassed by Andrea's bras and panties.

"Fine, but no weird **beep** while my back is turned Rick!" Michonne warns him, before she walks over to pull aside her curtains and open the window for some fresh air.

"Ah, what the **beep?!**" Michonne backs away form the window as Rick unconsciously reaches for his gun-less holster to protect her, only for it to be filled with markers.

"Well looky here, a free peep show!" Merle presses his face into the glass of the window as he taps the widow with his bayonet.

"Merle, quit the **beep** and get down for there." Michonne says as she reluctantly opens the window.

"I gotta say, I'm a fan of yo' work leader, good job on your girl here." He says looking at Michonne in her outfit. "Two boobs for the price o' one." Merle says switching from Michonne's cleavage ahead of him then down at Andrea's below him. "I'ma stay right here, and watch you and Andrea clean-ow, **beep** damn Andrea, cut the water off already!"

Rick pinches the bridge of his nose as Andrea is practically flooding the room with the water she's spraying up at Merle. Rick and Michonne close and lock the window, but not before getting sprayed with water and getting an earful of obscenities out of Merle.

As Rick closes the blinds on Merle, he notices Michonne dripping with water.

"I'll get us some towels..." Rick rushes into the bathroom to grab a set of towels but stops midway back into the room, as he watches Michonne reaches out for a towel before she lifts her hair from the nape of her neck and dries her shoulders and collar bone.

"You'd better dry yourself off, here let me help you." Michonne covers Rick's head with the towel as she dries his hair and places the towel on his shoulders. As Rick stands there locking eyes with her, Abe's voice is heard from the hallway.

"What the **beep** Rick-"

"So you're finally done with the basement, wow, you finished quicker than I thought." Rick lets go of Michonne as Abraham walks up to them to talk to her.

"Don't take too long Ford, she's seems pretty exhausted and we got one more room to do together." Rick tries to walk out of the room with swagger, as he shuts the door on the two other housemates.

"That jealous little prick gonna feel real stupid when I tell him we're just friends... he's just making himself look like a fool... and why are you wet?"

"I don't want to talk about it, the faster I can forget this day the better."

"Open them curtains so ol' Merle can take a look at you!" Merle shouts from behind the glass as Abraham draws open the curtains, shocking the redneck into letting go and dropping towards the ground.

"Merle... you ok?" Andrea asks him before she spays him to wake him up and shrugs when she gets no response.

"I guess Merle's not into red heads." Michonne jokes as Abe flashes his short hair and says "His loss, he don't know what he's missing."


	24. Chapter 24 Playing Detective

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Playing Detective  
**

As day shifts to night and the housemates finally turn in for rest, one housemate has become lost inside the crevasses of the house.

"Hello... Abraham... hello... ?" Lori calls from one of the crawl spaces, as she spits out some of the cobwebs that clung to her face.

"Hello... I think I'm stuck in here... oh no... they're spiders in here... I don't wanna die here... it's dirty." Lori begins to cry as a spider lands on her nose freaking her out.

Abe stares up at the ceiling in deep thought, as a loud knock is heard on his door.

"Permission to enter!" He shouts at the door as Rick opens it and Abraham swears under his breath.

"I can't find Lori... where is she? Is she in your closet again!" Rick pries open the closet to find his neatly packed clothes in a Lori-less corner.

"What, when was she in my closet-hey, stop throwing around my stuff!" Abraham tries to push Rick out, only for the sheriff to get in his face.

"You were that last one to see her, and until I find her, I'm gonna be on you like stank on a walker." Rick smirks at the irritated larger male who rolls his eyes and ushers Rick out of his room.

Abraham's confessional. "At this point Rick's just trying to find reasons to get in my face."

"Instead of accusing me about the women in this house, you should be looking for your wife-"

"Ex wife-"

"Whatever Prick, just go, it's to late to deal with you right now."

Rick nods as he looks back into Abraham's room then towards the larger male. "Remember what I said... like stank on a walker-"

Abraham slams the door in Rick's face just to see the sheriff behind him when he turns around, making the man jump and hold his erratically beating heart.

"But you were... how'd you- just get the **beep** out of my room!" Abraham yells back at Rick as he struts out of the room and Abe locks it after making sure his room was clear.

Rick couldn't stand his ex, but he couldn't let her die in this house, it would ruin the clean legacy that Morgan had left behind. Lori had many enemies, but who here could be the cause of her disappearance.

As Rick is pondering, he bumps into Andrea who has a skateboard in one hand and a rubber duckie in another.

"Lori's gone missin', you wouldn't happen to know where she is?" Rick interrogated the blonde as she scoffed and place the rubber duck and the skateboard near the top of the stairs.

"Nope, can't say I know where she is... hey can you be my alibi? If anyone asks, tell them I tripped over this duck that someone left behind, and that I fell down the stairs." Andrea sits on the skateboard before she asks Rick to push her.

"I don't think that is a good idea, you could get hurt-"

"That's the point now push me, and no matter how hard I fall, I don't want you to help me... only Bob can tend to my... wounds."

With a shrug, Rick pushes Andrea down the steps as she and the skateboard tumble down separately.

"Ahh, oh my god my leg!" Andrea calls out form the bottom, of the stairs.

"Rick, why the **beep** are you just standing there, help me-!" Andrea screams out as she's in a lot more pain that expected.

"You told me not to!" Rick responds as he thinks that is still apart of the plan and suddenly plays along.

"Oh naw, poor Andrea, her leg looks like it's in pretty bad shape... someone should help her..." Rick ignores her sobbing as she cries out in pain. "Heelllppp... I... I can't feel my leg!"

"See you around Andrea." Rick walks off as she curses him with her last breath before passing out.

"Now, who else in this house had a connection to Lori and wanted to get rid of her?" Rick muses out loud as the paramedics are wheeling Andrea away.

Rick passes by the confessional room, he hears his flesh and blood Carl, talking about him.

Carl's confessional. "Yeah, my old man aint long for the world, when he dies, I'm totally gonna take over-he's such a dumbass leader-"

"Carl!" Carl jumps out of his seat as the camera focuses on Rick.

"Oh... d-dad, when did you get here?" Carl asks as the camera is trying to get a good angle on the both of them.

"Your mother's missing... you wouldn't happen to know where... maybe you had something to do with it?"

"Sure dad, I got rid of her and stuffed her body in the cellar to hide the evidence-"

"Was that a confession?"

"No, I don't know where she is-and I told you not to play detective, you're just a sheriff, remember last time, you almost got Shane arrested."

"Hey, if it weren't for me, we wouldn't have ever met and you would have never been born."

"What does one of those events have to do with the other?"

"Well Carl, that's just a story for another time... oh and when I die, Morgan will take my place as leader... you spiteful little **beep**." Rick calls back to a stunned Carl as he continues his search for Lori.

"The only two left were Beth and Merle, seeing as Michonne had an alibi. Now, how to go about extracting information from these two? Seeing as I'm running out of leads... it's about time for me to play hard ball."

Andrea wakes up groggy laying in a bed feeling a hand holding hers. She turns to see her tender Bob smiling as she wakes up. "Andrea how are you feeling?" He asks softly.

"Better now that I'm with you." She smiles blissfully.

"Andrea you can't keep hurting yourself to see me. You can literally just come over here and visit like Beth does."

"You know, its faster to travel by ambulance. I'm your only fun patient. Don't you like working on me?" Bob looks into her deranged stare.

"You have to stay off your leg for a while, or else we'll have to amputate it."

"So I get to stay over? Yay it worked." Andrea cheers.

Bob just shakes his head then increases her anesthesia, giving her the chance to get some rest, but also to keep her in bed.

Andrea wakes up a hole day later, she attempts to get out of bed against bob's orders. She figures if she's injured again she'd just fall into his loving arms and care.

Andrea looks over to see a wheel chair and a note in Bob's hand writing. She reads his message to her. "I know you're not going to listen to me, but please just use this. I don't want to have to cut off your leg Andrea." Andrea sulks and sits in the chair. As she's wheeling herself out into the hallway, Andrea purposely knocks her wounded leg against the frame of the door. "That's for you Bob." She whispers smiling on pain.

The hallway camera in the recovery home catches Andrea slowly wheeling herself around. A camera is in her face watching the now startled blonde. "Shane...is that you?" The camera pans around to see Shane, absent his hair and eyebrows, his lips painted blue and adorned in a long robe surrounded in white smoke.

"Yes it is I sunflower child. I am Zen Shane."

"Ohhhhh I get it, I'm hallucinatinnngggg."Shane reaches into his robe and pulls out a large sunflower then tosses it at her face, she screams as she can feel it.

Back at the main house Rick is still playing detective while in search for his annoying ex wife.

As a bright light hits the now conscious Beth and Merle, who were both tied to chairs by Rick, said _detective_ is in the corner of a room, smiling at the confused pair.

"What the **beep** officer Rick, I'm gettin' really tired of your **beep!**" Merle yells as he kicks out against his restraints while cameraman Glenn films his interrogation with a smile.

"What the hell is going on, did you just kidnap us?!" Beth asks out in fear in confusion.

"Some call it a kidnapping... I just call it killing two birds with one stone." Rick smirks as he begins his interrogation.

"So Beth... if that's your real name-let's just cut to the chase!" Rick slides in front of Beth, aiming the light against her face.

"Ok Rick, you finally did it, you finally lost your damn marbles!"

"It aint my marbles that I'm looking for... I know what you did to Lori, fess up and we can make this go fast and easy-"

"I-I didn't do anything to her-I want a layer, where's Michonne? The law demands that I have a layer present-"

"I'M THE LAW NOW!" He screams making the two southerners flinch and squirm against their ropes.

"I'll be your lawyer, yah judge, jury and executioner... and if I don't like what you gotta say... you're gonna pay-Merle, you're next."

Merle nervously looks around the room until he looks at Glenn, who gladly gets a close up of Rick's psychotic face.

"Beth, I know everything, but I kept a lid on it because you are Hershel's daughter... but now... you pushed me too far Beth... FESS UP, SPEAK YOUR CRIMES!"

"F-Fine... I-I sing in the house just to piss people off, I don't even like singing-my dad makes me do it-"

"And?!" Rick pries in even more as Merle starts to holler. "You crazy man, someone help me-!"

Rick pries off little Merle before throwing it towards the side of the room. "Wait your turn Dixon... I got something special planed for you..."

"Beth-"

"Excuse my language, but you aint getting **beep** out of me-!" Beth screams starring him down.

"Tell me what you know!" Rick yells at her.

"Alright, when your beard was shaved off and I told you in privet that it looked good... I was faking it-you looked like an over grown mole rat!"

Rick gabs the chair Beth was tied to and shakes it, only strengthening her resolve and defiance.

"Lori, tell me about Lori-!"

"Yeah, you right, I hated that patronizing **beep**, I left some food in Daryl's room before giving it to her once. Come on Rick, don't tell me that given the chance to get rid of her, you wouldn't take it?" Beth uses her sweet smile to make Rick question her involvement with Lori's disappearance.

"We aint done yet... Greene... we aint done! Your turn Merle... and you'd better tell me what I want to hear."

Beth's confessional. "You're dam right I wasn't gonna tell Rick I put a hit out on Lori. Carol never showed up anyways, so no harm no foul." Beth innocently smiles.

"I aint talking... not without no lay-ow, what the **beep** man!" Merle tries to follow Beth's lead only to be attacked by Rick.

Rick separates Beth's chair from Merle's before pushing his over and kicking Merle in the face.

"You know how Lori is, you couldn't stand to see her with another man... you got jealous and killed her-then you hid the body." Rick accuses.

"No-"

"Yes!" Rick answers for Merle as he looks around the room and walks off into a dark corner, opening a door. Rick walks back and pulls Merle in front of a slightly opened door.

"Well, if you don't wanna talk for me... maybe you'll sing for my little friend here." Rick opens the door wider as a walker stumbles out causing Merle to freak out and kick back at the walker.

"Struggle all you want, you aint gonna get very far without lil' Merle... now tell me what you did to Lori-"

"I **beeped** her ok, I **beeped** her! Is that what you wanna hear?!" Merle kicks the walker down as it nears him, only for it to stumble back up as Rick kicks Merle toward it saying "Wrong answer."

"I aint gonna beg fo' my life, so **beep** off!"

"You're gonna get him killed, we didn't have anything to do with Lori." Beth tries to help Merle from Rick's wrath, as he turns his attention back towards her.

"Oh really, so are you willing to bet your life on Merle's innocence."

"What, nope, do your thing Rick, just forget I'm here..." Beth answers back as she ignores Merle's cries.

"Why don't you just ask one of them **beep**ing camera men, they record everything in this **beep**ing house!" Merle shouts out as Rick nods and finally shoots the walker in the head.

"Glenn, where's Lori?"

"Last time we filmed her, she was in the attic behind the boxes... I think she's still there." Glenn replies back as Rick reaches for Merle's bayonet and cuts Beth free.

"No hard feelings, right Beth?"

"You **beep**ing kidnapped me man! Go **beep** yourself!" She shouts out in anger before rushing out of the room.

"Hey, don't just leave me tied up-free me!" Merle angrily shouts at Rick and Glenn who begin to leave the room.

"Free yourself... oh, and that walker is still alive." Glenn tells the Dixon as he shuts the door on a flailing Merle.


	25. Chapter 25 Sunflower Child

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

_**Sunflower Child** _

At the recovery house, a camera follows Beth as she sneaks around dodging the watchful eye of her father Hershel, in order to see her date for the night, Garreth. She shows up to a room with a candle light dinner setting but the plates are bare, the glasses too. "Garreth?" She walks in locking the door.

"Hey Beth!" She jumps as he pops up behind her.

"Dammit, stop doing that, you're gonna kill me one of these days." Garreth licks his lips at the thought.

"Where's all the food?" Beth questions.

"It just arrived...you see Beth you're the main course."

Beth backs up slowly, "oh **beep**!"

A camera follows Andrea closely as she rolls her wheelchair back into her room. Bob is already waiting for her inside. He smiles at first but then sees new bruises on her arms. "Andrea where did these come from?"

"I listened to you and stopped injuring my leg...and the arms were the next best thing so..."

Bob sighs and kneels down in front of her chair, looking up at her he can't hide the love he has for her. "Andrea I have to do this, you obviously wont stop hurting yourself so, I'll have to give you a reason to stop."

"Wait, are you breaking up with me? You're breaking up with a person in a wheelchair?" Andrea becomes furious. "If I can't walk away from you, you're not aloud to walk away from me either!"

"I'm doing this for your own good Andrea."

"But you're literally the only non insane guy I've ever been into. Bob!" She screams at him as he leaves the room.

Beth is seated on top of the dinner table as Garreth is sucking off some strawberry syrup from her finger. She raises an eyebrow feeling his mouth slightly nibbling at her digit. "Now Garreth we talked about this, no chewing, no nibbling...ouch! No biting!"

In another attempt to get him accustomed to the greatness that is non-human food, she brushes her hair from her shoulder and watches as he sprays a puffy cloud of whipped cream on her neck. She looks at him again, "no teeth, Garreth, watch your teeth!"

Beth's confessional. "Most of the population are walkers now...sometimes you just gotta make it work, even when its with someone who literally wants to eat you. I know the only real difference between Gareth and a walker is that one isn't rotting from the inside."

Beth is going over some past negotiations she'd made with Garreth.

"Now lets go over a few things, who do we not eat?"

Garreth replies obediently. "You or you're daddy."

"And who do we eat if given the chance?"

"Shane." He answers.

"Good. You've remembered."

Garreth hands Beth a menu and smiles at the sweet looking blonde. "What's this?" She asks.

"Its a menu of all the food I'd like to make for you."

Beth starts to read from the list. "Pickled Rick's feet, Merle'oroonie and cheese, Shane-ca bob, Michonne-suey, Abera-hamberber, Bob-B que, Lori-Chops, oh and for desert...Ice cream with Carl-mel." She smiles at Garreth. "I see we're gonna have to have another talk." She shuts the menu.

Beth's confessional. Glenn sighs behind the camera, not only worried for his sister in law's new relationship with Garreth but for her underhanded dealings within the house.

"Beth do you ever worry about the things you've done in the house catching up to you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You did cook up Merle's hand and feed it to him, Daryl, and Rick." Beth then gives off a look that alludes to them deserving it, though she wont admit to the act.

"That never happened." Beth shrugs.

Footage is provided of Beth's dealings from a few days ago with Garreth. An overhead camera catches Beth as she walks into the recovery home while Garreth is walking over to greet her. She's holding something wrapped in a blue bandana and hands it to Gareth. "There's some real deserving boys in that house that need a dinner they'll loose a limp over."

"Beth you brought me a hand." Gareth salivates.

"Its Merle's hand." Beth answers with mischief in her eyes.

"It looks a little stale but I'll see what I can do."

The footage switches back to Beth's confessional currently in progress. "We have footage of you on tape Beth, you can't lie to me."

Beth just shrugs, "I still don't recall."

Back at the recovery house, Zen Shane adorns both an angry Andrea and Morgan's head's with flowers, the room is filled with a calming scent. Andrea is both scared and fascinated by the new Shane, but something about this didn't seem right.

"Come children, it's time praise the earth for her loving embrace!" Shane calls out to Morgan, Andrea and even Gareth who was stopping by with Bob and Hershel on crutches.

"Am I the only one who's confused here, I mean why is he acting like this?" Andrea wonders out loud.

"Hey Andrea, can we talk in private?" Morgan asked, never waiting for a response as he wheels the blonde out of room, away form Shane's shaky glance.

"So, are you gonna tell me what's going on with Shane?"

"That man's more insane than ever, but he pretends to hold it together, the staff just plays along because they can't afford to let him out of their sight... also, how's..."

Morgan looks around the empty hallway before whispering Rick's name.

"Oh, Rick is fine, he shoved me down the steeps and that bastard couldn't even tell that I was really in pain-"

"Shhh, don't let Shane hear you say his name... last time I mentioned Rick, he went berserk and nearly cut off Bob and Gareth's heads with a hatchet. Shane wants to purify everything, even memories of Rick, now I know I tried to clear, but this is ridiculous."

Shane chants. "Rick is everything the is evil! Ignorance, lies, murder and... he also has no rhythm... let us cleanse ourselves of the fool who masquerades as king..."

Everyone hums in unison as Shane walks around the room and stops in front of their new guest, Andrea.

"Tell me, one who shots wrong, the reason you are wounded."

"Well, I was pushed down the stairs-"

"By who's hands my child, speak his name?!"

"Uh... Rick?"

"And Morgan, who's shenanigans forced you to leave that house..."

"Pretty much everyone-"

"Yes, but who led these band of fools?"

Morgan sighs as he whispers Rick, making Shane give a fake gasp of shock.

"You see my brothers and sisters, he is evil in the flesh!"

"Hershel, who's wife shot you in the leg-"

"Rick's but I heard they are divorced now. I don't hold a grudge against him."

"And poor Gareth, who's passion for cooking was defiled by Rick's love of mother earth's animals... he stands before us, stripped of his love of exotic cuisine, just to satisfy Rick's lust for beef!"

"Yeah, he wouldn't let me cook Carl, that selfish jerk, I mean, he had one kid, why can't he have another and let me have Carl?!"

Andrea quickly regrets everything she's done to end up here.

Shane notices Andrea wheeling herself out of the room in a hurry. She desperately wants to get back to the main house. Shane steps out into the hallway calling out to her and suddenly the wheels of her chair become stuck. "**Beep beep beep**!" She swears in frustration. "**Beeeepppp**!" She screams realizing she can't get away.

"Ceilings are just floors that no one can talk on." Shane says as he presses his hands together like he's praying.

"What?!" Andrea screams.

"A chair has 4 legs, yet it never runs when someone tries to sit on it."

"Oh my god why is this happening to me?" Andrea questions as she tiredly covers her face with her hands.

"Are you truly a free spirit when you're trapped in a body."

"I don't know what the **beep** you are saying!"

Beth comes down the steps hearing Andrea's voice and rushes towards her grabbing the handles of her wheel chair. "Lord of the light that shines, I must take sunflower child back, her welted petals need tending too." Shane waves a hand and suddenly Andrea's wheel chair can move and it moves fast as Beth is rushing her down the hall.

"Beth what the hell was that?"

"I've been around here long enough to figure out Shane's bull**beep** lingo."

"He's rallying people against, Rick."

"It wont go anywhere. If he steps one foot out of the house, Garreth will eat him."

"What do you mean eat him."

"Exactly what I said."

"Beth why is your neck bleeding?"

"Don't ask."


	26. Chapter 26 Paranoid Minds

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Rick grimes** "_The Leader_"

The camera pans to Rick who's piling food into his arms. He notices the camera and stares deeply into the lens before speaking, "I'm getting food, water. I'm saving it for the group. Just in case things go south."

The cameraman's voice boomed past the camera. "You don't have to hide the food."

Rick checks his left then his right before tip toeing out of the kitchen, as the camera follows him out into the hall. "Yo man, where's all the food?!" Daryl screams from the kitchen.

**Lori Grimes **"_The Wife_"

"I don't ever see myself getting kicked out of the house. I mean my husband is the leader and..."

Michonne moves past the camera in a stealthy flash. The camera fumbles then turns from Lori. "We got her, we got her. Its Michonne." As the camera pans to Michonne, she vanished around a corner. "Dammit. We lost her again."

**Daryl Dixon** "_Little Redneck_."

The cabinet doors slam, then the fridge door opens and slams shut. Daryl paces in the kitchen then aims his crossbow at the cameraman who startles him. "If you got food you better cough it up right now."

"You can't have weapons in the house." The cameraman says.

"Michonne gets to keep her weapon, why can't I?" Daryl questions.

The cameraman replies. "Wait Michonne has her weapon?"

A rat scurries by and Daryl shoots it with an arrow.

"Daryl! Daryl you can't eat that rat."

"No its mine, I claimed it."

"We need to call the exterminator."

"Naw, you gon kill all the food."

**Merle Dixon** "_Bigger Redneck_"

Merle faces the camera screaming. "I'm stuck in the house with a bunch of** beep beep beeps**, this **beep**, and his **beep** woman that's always **beep** and** beep** with** beep** and this** beep**." His eyes catches the attention of someone off camera. "What you lookin' at **beep beep beep**?!" The camera pans to Michonne who's glaring at Merle. The camera switches back to Merle who raises his bayonet hand. "Get her away from me before I git her!"

The cameraman sighs. "Why does everyone still have their weapons?!"

Merle kisses his blade and whispers "its alright little Merle, she can't touch us."

**Hershel Greene** "_Santa Claus, unconfirmed_."

The cameraman asks Hershel a question. "So how do you feel about Rick being the leader in the house?"

"A turtle can't cross the water without a shell."

"What does that even mean?" The cameraman replies.

"The group is the turtle and the water is this house, and Rick, he's the shell that keeps us all together. Keeps us safe."

"Dude, you know we have an alarm system... right?" The cameraman adds.

**Phillip Blake** "_aka Brian aka The Governor. Self appointed title_."

Phillip looks around as he sneaks out of his bedroom door which is cracked open, just enough to get himself out. He shuts then locks the door, still looking around. He stands up straight as a camera is in his face. "Oh so, you lock your door? No one else does that. What's in there?"

"Oh just a few nice trinkets here and there, got them from a lovely place called Woodbury. You should go there. I'd give you a special personal tour. Now if you'll excuse me." The camera follows him walking off then the jiggle of his door knob is heard, forcing the camera to pan back. Michonne is trying to break into his room.

"Wow Michonne. Finally we got you. You still haven't done your intro."

Michonne rushed off as Phillip grabs the camera man who's now pointing his camera right into his face. "I can't believe you let her escape!" Phillip scowls then takes off after Michonne.

Cameraman rushes toward Michonne. "Ugh, finally, we caught up to you-

Michonne unleashes her katana before leering at the camera man "Who are you people-why do you keep following me?"

The cameraman tries to reason with the katana wielding woman. "W-wait, we just need you to-"

Michonne attacks the camera with her katana and the screen blanks out.

"After getting a new camera, we were finally able to find someone to calm Michonne down and explain the situation to her." The cameraman explains.

The camera focuses on Andrea and Michoone talking in the distance.

**Andrea** "_Sharp shooter_."

Camera man looks over towards Andrea, realizing that talking to Michonne was a lost cause. "Ma'am, do you have a weapon on you?"

"No-I'm like the only one without a gun, even Rick has one-he's holding all of the guns!"Andrea said.

"Well, you're not allowed to have a weapon either way-"

"I want a gun!"

"I heard The Governor might have some weapons... a lot of them-help me sneak into his room and we could get you one."Michonne whispered towards her female counterpart.

**Shane Walsh** "_The best friend_."

The cameraman walks in on Shane and Lori's 'conversation.'

"We got to get Rick out of this house... men like him, they don't last very long."

Lori makes a joke about Rick's short comings. "Ha, you can say that again... but, he's still my husband and I can't betray him again... if anyone has to get him out of the house, it has to be you. I don't want any part of it."

Shane seems to pause for a moment. "Well...wait-"

Shane storms out of the room and grabs the lens of the camera before pushing it aside to get in the frightened camera mans face.

"What are you doing here-how much did you hear-you better not tell Rick nothin!"

The camera shakily focuses on Shane as he angrily rubs his head and paces back and fourth.

Cameraman tries to reason with him. "W-well, if you don't want him in the house, you could try and convince everyone to..."

"No...no, why would I want him to go, Rick and I are tight... tight like a noose, yeah-I... I'd never try to kill him, that's just crazy-YOU THINK I'M CRAZY... I aint crazy... Rick's the crazy one, not me!" Shane rambles on.

After a long and grueling day the producers finally gather everyone in the living room.

"Ok, were gonna pan the camera over your face and just say your line. So we can all get some rest."

**(Rick)** This (Rick searches the area) is the true story

**(Lori)** of seven survivors forced to live in the walking dead apocalypse... house. (Lori winks at Shane.)

**(Merle) beeping** live'in together

**(Daryl)** and have their lives cla- I mean taped.

"Michonne...Michonne just say the line." Michonne just glares back at the producer.

"Ok just pan to the next person" The producer announces.

**(Andrea)** Now find out what happens

**(Hershel)** when people stop being polite (Hershel side eyes Shane who is scratching his head again.)

**(Shane)** and start getting REAL!

**(Everyone except Michonne)** This is 'The Real World-Walking Dead.'


	27. Chapter 27 House Cat and Lone Wolf

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**House Cat and Lone Wolf  
**

"Alright Mi-chonne, we gave you and Daryl yo space and I think it's about time we let bygones be bygones." Merle says as she is reading an old magazine about swords and katanas before throwing the book down and standing up.

"Fine, I'm ready when you are."

"Ok, I got a little plan, Daryl loves role play so... "

Michonne, already privy to Daryl's kinks, expected this. "I know. I'm in, how do we get him back?"

"Follow me and bring that there bag."

Moments later, Michonne is angrily leaning against the wall in cat ears, a long tail, black leather pants and vest. Merle hands her a stake to tease Daryl with once he's close enough. She then watches as he brings out a black magic marker.

"Hold still I'mma draw you a pair o' wishers-"

"No whiskers." She backs away from him as he uncaps the marker.

"Aint no such thing as a cat wif no whiskers-now you want em' straight or curly, come on woman, make up yo' mind before this ink dries?"

"... Straight... " She murmurs before Merle draws three pairs of lines on her face, along with four pairs of freckles on her cheeks.

"I'll get some pink marker for your nose-"

"Dammit Merle, we don't have time for this!"

"Now Michonne, this aint gonna work unless you act and sound like a cat... lemme hear it... gimme a good loud catcall."

With a sigh, Michonne plays along and gives him her best catcall. "Hey sexy... you seem dirty, maybe I should lick you-"

"Naw, that's good, but no, like a meow Michonne-yowl!"

"Me... ow." She says in boredom as Merle stomps his feet in frustration. "Dammit girl, put some **beep**ing life in it, you sound like you on your last life!"

Merle takes Michonne by the tail as he leads her towards the gate. "Ok Mich-onne, you a sexy black cat in heat, lookin' for a hot slice of dirty dog, when you meow, you gotta feel it, in you inner cat! Now run off girl, show Daryl yo cat!"

Michonne lazily walks off into the forest "Showing Daryl my cat is what got me in this mess in the first place."

"Oh, by the way Michonne, you'd better hurry up with that meat, bears and walkers could sniff you out, so good luck. And I aint opening this here gate until you bring my baby brother back."

As Michonne runs into the forest, she ties the meat to her tail and places it over her shoulder, out of reach from walkers that could come running towards the smell.

"Daryl... I mean..." She looks around as she mutters Me-ow. The bushes begin to shake before two walkers come out to greet her.

Michonne cuts them down and continues her search for Daryl. "Dar-I mean Me-ow. Come on, this isn't funny anymore come out Dixon."

"Well look what we've got here, a pretty little kitty for me to gnaw on, how sweet." Michonne turns around to see a dirty old man and his band of scrawny _wolves,_ then she spots Daryl emerging as one of them.

"Daryl?"

"No, his name is Wolfie four... he's working his way up to Wolfie two. I'm Joe and these here are my dogs-"

"I don't care, Daryl come on... it's time to come home." Michonne approaches him before he turns away. "This here is my pack, they understand me, hunt with me... they made me throw away my collar Michonne-I'mma big dog now!"

"See that, he don't wanna go back with you, house cat!" Joe teases as he snaps his fingers, singling for his band of dogs to circle a very bored and over it Michonne. She grabs the hilt of her katana, preparing for their attack.

"What, we aint gonna attack her are we... lets just let her go-" Daryl says as Joe looks back at him with a growl.

"Here's your test to prove your loyalty, claim that cat!"

All of the other dogs howl as Daryl looks sadly at Michonne, the pack back away to let him approach her. When he is near enough, he stands face to face with her before muttering "sorry."

"I'm sorry to." She says as she unleashes her katana. Daryl jumps on Michonne and begins to lick her check with affection before Michonne smiles pushing him off. They suddenly stand together, facing Joe's group.

"Sorry that I gotta kick this band of puppies ass's and dirty up my sword." Michonne says as Daryl growls at Joe, aiming his cross bow at the now scared pack of men.

"You a traitor Daryl-"

"Naw, I aint no traitor, Michonne... she my rightful owner, she claimed me once and I hope she'll do it again! I'll do anything for her, so back the **beep** off before I make me some dog soup!"

"That must be some good kitty." One of the dogs mutter before Daryl barks out a "Shut up!" making Joe's number three wolf whimper.

Michonne flicks her katana before threatening. "Now I'll give you sorry sack of fleas three seconds to get out of my face... one."

"I know, how about we trade." Daryl says, not wanting Michonne to commit mass murder... again. Daryl take's Michonne's stake and holds it before the drooling _dogs_.

"What is this trade you speak of... ?" Joe eyes the stake with suspicion as Daryl stands up a bit straighter.

"It's a human thing, I gave you this stake if you leave me and my... friend alone. Deal."

"Can I lick your cat friend to-"

"You will get the **beep**ing stake and like it!" Daryl throws the meat far off into the forest as Joe's group runs off.

"You don't know what you missing out on... come back and join us."

"Naw, this aint my home, it never was... now get!" Daryl fires off a cross bow at the retreating Joe before turning around to nod towards Michonne.

"You know, I was actually looking forward to killing those dirty dogs... but this works too." She smiles.

"Yeah, besides, them walkers can smell that meat form a mile away... they aint gonna last too long out here anyway... and why you wearin' a cat suite fore?"

"I let Rick put me in some ridiculous maid outfit, so in comparison this is pretty low key." Michonne shrugs as Daryl sulks for missing out on Michonne's _cos-play_.

"I missed you in some pretty frills-now I really wanna go back home... and take a shower."

"You... you really want to take a shower... wow, you really have changed."

"Yeah... well I got dirt in placed that I didn't even know existed... and I'm so itchy right now, that I hope to gawd it's just fleas."

Footage from later that day. Michonne walks in first, as Daryl half expects the group to throw him a welcome back party in his honor. As he walks in, the group is playing cards on the living room table, half look up to see him and Michonne, while the others are too into the game to acknowledge his arrival.

"Guess who's back-" he starts but is cut off by Rick.

"Michonne, you're back... I knew this house felt a bit too empty... come here and take a set... next to me." Rick says before scooting next to Abraham, making space for Michonne to sit next to only him and not her redheaded friend.

Abraham see's Rick mockingly leering back at him before sighing out and saying "Really?"

Rick smiled at Michonne before Daryl kicked the short table his group was gathered around, spilling some of their cards.

"No, it's me Daryl, I'm back-"

"Oh hey Daryl... welcome back... Ha, go fish **beep!**" Beth says as she takes a card from Merle who sucks his teeth annoyance.

"That's all I get, a hey Daryl, all y'all some cold ass **beeps**!"

"Well it's not like you haven't run off before... we knew you'd come back... you always do." Beth tries to peek at Rick's cards as he spitefully hides them from her view.

"Oh you're back, ugh Daryl you smell like a walker stuck in **beep**, and why is Michonne wearing a cat suit-Rick!" Abraham accuses Rick who glares back at him.

"It wasn't me! You always act like I'm out to get you or something." Rick says making himself look innocent. Abraham places his cards in the back of his pocket before walking over to greet Michonne.

"Why are you playing cards-?" She asks as Abe.

"Somehow, Rick managed to horde every inch of food in the kitchen so we're playing cards for food pretty much." Abraham looks to his left to see Daryl shamelessly checking out Michonne in her cat suit.

"Dammit Michonne, change out of those clothes!" Abraham shouted before looking over towards a dirty and itchy Daryl. "When are you gonna shower man, the smell's burning my eyes!"

"Yeah, I know, well 'Chonne is gonna give me a bath later so-" Daryl stops noticing Abe's flared nostrils and is completely unaware of his recent protective nature over Michonne.

"Nope." Abraham shakes his head confusing Daryl as he grabs the redneck by the back of his shirt. Abe continues to drag him out like a dog while Daryl is kicking and screaming.

Merle cries out as he collapses on the ground and grabs Abraham's ankle, in an attempt to save Daryl. "Derrryyll... naw, dis man takin' mey dog, someone help meh, help meh pup!"

"Hurry look at his cards." Beth whispers as Andrea lifts them up and switches them with his own.

"You a dog napper-give him back-someone help meh, brute's taking meh dog!" Merle is kicked off by an angry Abe as he continues to drag Daryl outside.

"No, not mey baby bro-he's just a pup!"

As Merle hears a splash, he begins to weep for his half drowned brother. "It's ol' Spot all over again!"

Merle comes out of the house seeing Daryl face down and floating in the pool.

"Derryylll, naw not mey baby brother-you killed him!" Merle shouts out as he drags Daryl's unconscious body from the pool and lays his towards the side.

"Don't worry bro, I'mma save you wif a kiss o' life!" As Merle presses him lips to Daryl's, he begins to squirm about.

"Ugh... Chonne I know you'd come back-ah, what the **beep** Merle?!"

"Well no wonder you were moaning, and here I thought I was a good kisser." Merle mused as he wiped his lips and looked over at Abraham who laughed at their display of _brotherly love_.

"Why'd you stop for... is it cause I'm here... you looked pretty into it." Abraham mocks.

Michonne's confessional. "So Michonne, how do you feel about these men always putting you in salacious outfits?"

Michonne looks directly into the camera then towards Glenn behind it. "Me...ow."


	28. Chapter 28 The Holy Trinity

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Sexual terms, bad planning and crude humor ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The Holy Trinity**

Andrea's confessional "Daryl has been sulking around the house for the past day or so. So Rick, our _dear leader_, has devised a surprise to show Daryl that he was truly wanted."

Rick has gathered everyone but Daryl in the living room.

He has Michonne on his right and a skeptical Merle on his left.

"You and Merle know what Daryl likes the best, he seemed down so I've come up with the perfect group activity to cheer him up."

"Alright then, what's the plan?" Michonne asks as Rick smiles and says one word.

"Orgy."

"No." Abraham says before Lori pipes up too. "What the hell are you thinking? Carl is too young for that!"

"Carl and Beth aint included! They're just gonna be in charge of the snacks... I don't want naked people handling our food."

"And speaking o' nudes handlin' our meat, where am I in this plan o' yours?" Merle asks.

Rick turns toward the whiteboard as he draws a stick figure and labels it Merle. "You'll be here... Lori..." Rick draws a line with a frown on it's long face and labels it Lori. "You can be here, I don't want anyone getting pocked by accident with Lori's bones, or your bayonet."

"Rick, I'm not doing this... not with some of these people... " Michonne speaks out as Abraham nods in agreement.

"No, no, it's fine, Ford can be here... where's my red marker?" Rick looks around before picking it off of the floor. He draws a big red blob in the corner, then draws green circles on it to symbolize his army pants.

"Why am I all alone?" Abraham asks Rick in confusion.

"Because I said so... I don't wanna see you naked."

"Yeah, like in the shower?"

"I told you, you were imagining thangs."

Michonne rolls her eyes before walking up to the whiteboard and pulling Rick aside.

"You're not really serious about this are you?"

"Fine, what's your plan then?"

"Come on Rick, for once in your life, just think of a back up plan." Michonne urges before he realizes that Daryl wouldn't like an orgy at all, it involves to much sharing.

"You're right Michonne follow me." Rick tells the group that the plan is off before grabbing his whiteboard and markers and telling Michonne to find Daryl and bring him up to her room.

Moments later, Rick props the whiteboard stand in front of Andrea's bed and draws some ideas down on it.

"Alright I'm here, what chu' need?" Daryl plops down on Michonne's bed, as she sits down right beside him, igniting old memories.

"I've come up with a plan, to get you back in the _swing_ of thangs... you, me and Michonne."

"What you mean you, meh and Chonne, we goin' for a run or somethin'?" Daryl asks as Rick draws three stick figures and a square beneath them. The middle one is colored in brown while the other two are left nameless and featureless.

"We gonna have ourselves a threesome, Michonne you take the middle, I'll be on top-"

"Nope." Daryl interrupts before taking the marker from Rick.

"Man you crazy if you think we're gonna do this!"

Rick frowns, thinking that his plan was fool prof.

"You aint no top Rick, not now, not ever-especially over Chonne, you get bottom Rick."

Rick sighs as Michonne is staring at the whiteboard with little to no interest.

"Fine. Then write on the whiteboard your position and we'll work our way from there." Rick hands Daryl the rest of his markers before Daryl squints at the board. He turns back towards his friend and asks "How do you spell po-sit-ion."

"Sound it out." Michonne tries to help Daryl with his spelling, as Rick suddenly reaches underneath the bed, in search for something.

"What are you doing?" Michonne asks as he replies "just checking for Carl."

"I'm not under that bed, I'm under Andrea's." Carl pipes up as Daryl pulls him out and Rick tells him to leave. "Why can't Michonne be on top?" He yells as Rick tells him to get out before closing the door.

"Why we need a plan for this anyways?" Daryl asks Rick who responds by saying, "Cuz I don't want anyone ending up in the wrong hole. I love you Daryl but there's a limit."

Michonne's confessional. "I don't even know why this is happening. When Rick comes up with these plans I mentally... and emotionally check out. You can't use logic when it comes to Rick."

"Hold on, let me get Merle, he's good at planning out these type of things." Daryl says with confidence.

"And how the hell do you know that?" Michonne questions.

"Never mind that... Merle!"

"What you want baby brother?"

"Chonne and I doin' a thresome-"

"So I guess she fixin' for some double Dixon, I finally get a turn wif her. I bet she's a frisky little kitty-"

"Naw, me, Rick and her... we need help planning it."

"For you baby brother, I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if that woman don't like what I got planned."

In the room, Merle erases Rick's stick figures and draws new ones.

"Why's that one in the middle so black?" Rick asks as Merle says "It's Mich-onne's hair!"

"Where's my hair?" Rick asks yet again interrupting Merle's concentration before the redneck lashes out "I aint **beep**ing done yet, I only gots one hand!"

"Nice try Merle, you don't need two hands to draw... especially that badly." Michonne says as Rick smirks at Merle, who slams his bayonet against the board in anger.

"Is this a menaj-ah-twa or an art class-now, shut the **beep** up and let meh think!" Merle huffs as Michonne and Rick shrug and wait for him to continue.

"Now, there is a multitude o' ways we can do this, we need a whip-"

"No whips." Michonne side eyes him before he continues. "The whip's for you to use woman! Now what you like better, whipped cream or jello-?"

Andrea walks in on their conversation in shock and wonder. "Whats going on?"

"Merle's helping us make a threesome." Daryl says as he leans against Michonne, who scratches him behind his ear.

"What the** beep**-no, this is all wrong!" Andrea snatches the marker from Merle and pushes the man away from the whiteboard.

"Y'all don't need props and planning, you need a story!"

"What the **beep**, this aint no soap opera!" Merle tries to take the marker away from her before she pulls a gun on him, making him back up.

Andrea starts to think out loud. "Ok, how about this... Michonne is a lost lonely woman looking for a good time, then an officer stops her... he's looking for a criminal-"

"Am I the officer?" Rick asks in excitement. "No it's Daryl, what the **beep** do you think? of course it's you!"

Michonne takes out a sheet of paper and begins taking notes. "What time does this take place?"

"How the **beep** should I know-" Andrea snaps.

"Some story this is." Merle jokes before Andrea aims her gun towards him then at the bed, making him sit down.

Andrea resumes her thought process. "Michonne's held captive by the bandit Daryl who wants her **beep**!"

"Her **beep****?**!" Daryl asks in fear and confusion.

"Yeah, her **beep**!" Merle chuckles.

"One more word and I'll kill you." Andrea warns the Dixon brothers before she continues.

"Rick and Daryl, being men willing to compromise, agree that Michonne will be let free... after they both share her-" Andrea is interrupted by Rick, who has a better idea.

"How about Daryl and Michonne share me instead... I don't mind-It's uh, for the good of the group... they need to know that they can trust me."

"When do I get to **beep** her?" Daryl asks in frustration.

"After act five."

"I aint waitin for no five act's, I want some **beep**y."

Andrea slams her hand on the whiteboard in frustration. "No, no, no! follow the **beep**ing story, it will ignite the passion." Andrea urges.

"Maybe we should just do it and see where it goes... " Michonne says in a tired voice before yawning.

"If we're doing this, we're going to do it right! Michonne is the damsel in distress, Daryl's the bad guy and Rick's the hero-" Andrea is yet again interrupted by Merle.

"How he the hero, when he's working wif' Daryl to get into Michonne's pants? Sound like a dirty cop to meh... is he a dirty cop?" Merle asks as Rick nods in agreement. Daryl sighs out in frustration before standing up and taking the marker from Andrea.

"Dammit, that's it, I'm out, I'm only doing this anyway to git with 'Chonne and I can't even **beep** her with y'all **beep**in' it up!" He looks at her as her normally emotionless face becomes sadly expressive. "Daryl... if you didn't like the idea, you should had said so."

"It aint the idea, it's everybody else that I don't like?" He shout at Andrea who gasps in mock shock.

"So we aint doing the story no more?" Rick chimes in.

"**Beep** the story, everybody get the **beep** out!"

"You can't kick me out of my own room!" Andrea yells.

"You get out first." He screams at the blonde.

As the room is quiet Daryl and Michonne sit down on Michonne's all to familiar bed. She looks at him and sighs, "I'm tired, you wanna lay down?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Daryl, just to sleep."

"Yea...yea I can do that."

Rick pops his head back into the room. "Am I still invited?"

Daryl and Michonne share a look then both shrug in unison as Daryl waves Rick in, "Alright, but no spooning... either of us."


	29. Chapter 29 Carl's Tears

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Carl's Tears**

Lori's confessional. "I've been unsure about where I stand with Merle. He hasn't had much to do with me since that one encounter before Rick and I split up. So when Merle said he wanted to spend some quality time with Carl and bond with him, it touched my heart. I can tell he's gonna be so sweet and gentle with my baby boy.

In the afternoon, a camera films Merle bringing Carl into the back yard to play some sports.

"Ima toughen you up kid. You in my yard now. No doubt officer friendly raised you with a touch as light as a feather."

Merle brings out what is supposedly their ball, but as the camera zooms closer, its just a big rock wrapped in leaves and vines, covered in dirt.

"When Daryl and I was younger we aint have no bouncy ball, we played with rocks, hell a luxury was a dam turtle. Now I'm being good to ya kid, I went out and found the roundest rock I could-start you off all easy and **beep**."

Merle throws the ball and nails Carl right in the stomach, causing the little rascal to hunch over in pain. "You see that?! You too soft! Daryl used to catch it in his teeth, one time I got him right in the face and he turned out better, learned algebra. All that knowledge knocked right into em."

Carl cries out rocking on the ground, "I want my dad!"

"I'm yo daddy now! Boy you're a dam Dixon now, aint no more time for tears."

Merle's confessional. "I wanna show Lori I can be a good father figure to her little **beep**y kid. If this don't work out I can just dump the kid, his mamma too, But for right now, Merle's got himself a son."

"Come on Carl we gon' get some scrapes on yo knees."

Merle calls for Daryl, who brings a sack that's dripping with blood and slightly moving.

"This yo' uncle Daryl now! Show him how it's done baby brother."

"Alright kid, you good with a gun, but lemme see how well you can skin a opossum. This one just had kids, so she a little stretchy." Daryl motions towards his bag.

Daryl hands a confused Carl a knife before he hesitantly reaches out for the bloody bag.

"Naw, theses are mine, you gotta catch your own... then we gonna make some surprise stew."

"Why can't we just eat the food in the kitchen-"

"Kitchen foods for **beep**ies-now hunt some squirrels or starve." Daryl commands the little boy to chase after the rabid rodents.

"Now remember Carl, if they start to foam, don't bring em home-"

"Yeah, like Daryl's first girlfriend-"

"Man **beep** you, she was already infected!" Daryl pushes Merle before Merle shoves him back laughing.

"Dammit, I want my dad and I'm not eating a rat! I grew up in a house not a trailer park, I don't need this!" Carl throws down the hunting knife, making both Dixons gasp.

"W-what?" Carl freaks out by their reaction.

"Boy, you don' thrown down the gauntlet!"

"Throwin' a huntin' knife, is like a slap in the face where we come from! Merle, hold my crossbow."

"What, you can't fight me I'm just a kid-"

"When I was a kid I killed an alligator, just cuse it looked crossed eyed, what you think I'mma do to you!" Daryl circles the now frighted Carl before pouncing on him.

"Tap out son, just tap out, you aint ready yet!" Merle calls out to a red faced Carl in Daryl's choke-hold.

Carl's confessional. "Those **beep**ing psychopaths actually tried to kill me for dropping a knife, what the **beep** was my mom thinking? I hate her!"

Moments later, back inside the house a camera follows Lori as she comes up to Merle with a vital suggestion.

"Now Merle, us being a family...you know it aint gon work until you make an honest women outta meh."

"You aint ever gonna be that...but I'll marry you anyway. After this wedding we can knocks some boots!"

Daryl has taken it upon himself to be Merle's wedding planner.

"So Daryl, what's your plan for the weddin-" Andrea asks as he hold up a dirty hand in joy.

"I'mma put in the full Dixon charm. A pettin' zoo for the young... half the animals will be dead but, we'll just cook em for dinner!"

"Um... and the cake?" Andrea says in concern.

"We gon make ourselves some red velvet cake. I already got the colorin' down."

Daryl shoves his hands into a bucket of flour before tearing red flower petals off of some roses and dumping it in the bowl.

"Dammit, need to wash me hands... only the best for you brother!" Daryl licks his hands before licking the equipment that he will use for his baking.

"We need more red stuff!" Daryl shouts out towards Andrea who looks around for some food coloring. "Naw! I don't want no artificial **beep**-gimme that raccoon!"

Daryl takes out the innards of the raccoon and shrugs as he drains it into the bowl.

"The blood will be the color, water and flavor-I'm damn near a chef! **Beep** culinary school, you can't teach natural talent- Andrea, hurry up with them giblets- we need some fats to make it moist!" Daryl takes a deep breath as he takes a lick of the batter and smiles in pride.

"Now for the sweet stuff... where's Beth with them bees- Dammit girl you can't run from some insects, charm em wif your voice!"

Beth runs around the yard before frantically screaming as the bees surround her.

"Beth, get in the water!" Michonne advises the girl before she uses her katana to stab the hive and run inside with it.

"Thanks Chonne, but where's Beth? I don't want no slackers in my kitchen... tell her to get her **beep** in gear-"

"She was under the water... last time I saw her." Michonne replies.

Beth walks into the kitchen dripping wet before Daryl grabs her hands and leads her towards the cake bowl.

"Hold still Beth." Daryl rings out Beth's hair into the bowl, after he has collected enough water he smiles saying "You did good girl-now get me some eggs."

"We don't have any chickens-"

"Don't girls lay eggs once a month, you a young hen-lay an egg for me-"

Beth slaps him across the face before walking off.

"I don't need you, I don't need anybody-I can't work in these conditions!" Daryl throws a racoon's foot into the mix before stomping outside.

Daryl finds Rick and asks how the dress is coming along. "Rick you need anything?"

"Yes," Rick replies looking like he's just found to cure to end all world hunger. "Bottle caps!"

Daryl pats him on the back looking proudly at him, "that's why you mah right hand man. The rest of these people they don't know art like we do. Now lets make ourselves a wedding."

"I meed a mannequin though." Rick informs.

"Its ok, just use that broom stick. I'm done wit it anyway."

"Wait what were you using it for... ?"

"Man you don't wanna know."

Rick uses napkins, paper plates and used bottle caps to construct Lori's wedding dress.

Andrea comes up to Daryl, "what are you gonna do for punch?"

"You see that pool over there, you scoop some of dat in a bowl, add some flowers and walla, punch."

"Aside from that being nasty, where are you getting the flavor from?"

"I was in that pool earlier, that's where the flavor comes from. We'll call it, _Daryl delight_."

Daryl's confessional. "You know, if this whole Apocalypse thing didn't happen, I bet I'd be a great wedding planner. It just comes naturally to me.'

As everyone gathers together in the back yard which Michonne had organized to look like an actual wedding despite the mess Daryl made with the food and Rick with Lori's dress. She uses her katana to cut into the bushes forming swans and had a few rows of chairs for the bridal side and the grooms side, along with the isle down the middle covered in rose petals that she took from Glenn before he could throw them on her and Rick.

Abraham goes up to Rick. "That dress you made came together pretty well, its looks nice."

"I bet you'd say that, I aint making nothing for you to wear, unless its something for your funeral."

Abraham scowls at Rick in the distance, "that **beep**er."

As Rick walks off Michonne comes up and pats Abraham on the back, "its alright, you tried."

Everyone sits down as Merle is at the alter with his best man Daryl. Andrea against her will is standing across from them as Lori's maid of honor.

Carl comes down the isle as the ring bearer, but he's so distraught that he collapses along the rose petals that covered the isle and crumbles like a used tissue. On the floor he's weeping heavily, snot running from his nostrils at the nightmare event.

Lori comes down the in her wedding dress which was two paper plates against her chest with a belt made out of bottle caps and a long skirt made out of tissue and surprise surprise, even more bottle caps. She holds a bocay of flowers and squirrels, complements of Daryl, and steps over Carl. "Carl stop crying baby, this day aint about you, its about mommy's happiness. Stop being so dam selfish!"

Trying his best to obey his mother, he chucks the ring at her and crawls off towards the row of seats, holding his knees in despair. "Why is this happening to meeee. I thought I was a g-goood person!" Carl yells out making Beth slowly shake her head before looking away from him.

"Sweetheart, do you got the ring?" Lori calls out to Merle as he places the ring on the tip of his bayonet.

"Got it, my sweet little sugar stick! Now bring yo **beep** over to ol Merle!" Merle yells back to his blushing bride as she happily runs over to him, holding up the bottle cap embroidered hem of her dress.

Morgan clears his throat as he tries to ignore Rick winking at him while flirtatiously twirling the hairs in his beard, then blowing Morgan a kiss.

"Rick stop that, I thought we were friends?"

"I don't know what you talkin about bab- I mean Mr. Jones." Rick sways his shoulders in affection as Morgan sighs and begins.

Morgan looks towards the couple before him. He has to rush things because there are walkers clamoring at the gates, and although they create an extra ambiance, Morgan doesn't have all day. "Do you Merle Dixon, take Lori grimes as your wife, to feed when she gets hungry, to kill if or when she turns, until death or by walkers do you part?"

Merle nods his head smiling, "You bet your sweet **beep** I do!" Merle smirks as he reaches around Lori and spanks her bottom making her giggle as everyone cringes.

Morgan sighs, "and Lori grimes... do you take Merle Dixon to be your husband. To honor and obey-"

"Yes sir." Lori winks at Merle mistaking the vows as a command.

"Does anybody... anybody have any objects to these two people's union?"

Carl frantically waves his hands for Morgan's attention.

"Anyone at all-"

"Step up mother **beep**er so I can kill the son of a** beep** who don't want meh to be happy!"

Carl hides back underneath the set as Morgan shrugs and tells the couple to exchange vows.

Merle spits on the ground before he speaks "The first time I laid my eyes on you... I didn't notice yah from a hole in the wall, but that didn't stop old Merle from gettin' some that night. Now I know I may be a rough neck who calls you a **beep**, or a **beep** and a loud mouth **beep**in' pain in my **beep**ing **beep**... but I love bumpin' uglies almost as much I love you- now lets get this thing over with so we can make a baby worth a damn!" He slipped the ring on her finger, nearly severing it off.

Lori is tear filled as she nods and begins her vows. "Baby, you the sugar in my pie and the apple of my eye... I'll obey your every command and make you reign as my man. I want you to call me every insult in the book!" She shined the ring on a set of napkins on her dress before putting it on Merle's finger.

Morgan blinks showing his sadness for the sorry excuse for a wedding he was forced to be apart of, before saying that they may kiss each other.

"Yeah girrrlll, Merle got himself a wife-now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!" Lori runs down the isle before stopping and throwing the bushel of dead animals as Rick shoves Andrea out of the way to get it. He happily hold it up before pointing at it, then at Morgan who lowers his head shaking it in frustration.

Rick's confessional. Rick is in a state of complete turmoil after his talk with Morgan. As apparent to most people but Rick, Morgan only displays feelings of a strong friendship towards Rick, while Rick had been completely obsessed with Morgan. "Morgan was my everything for so long, I waited for him. I thought he was my soul mate but he's just my best friend...how the hell could this be? Its not like the perfect person for me is just gonna pop in outta nowhere. With a smile that lights up the room and eyes so deep and passionate it makes me melt, a soft voice that's always trying to lure me to comfort, someone that can put up with me ranting and raving at them. Someone who Carl loves and is a skilled warrior essential to the group."

Michonne pops her head into the confessional room. "Rick, dinner is ready."

Rick nods his head, "alright Michonne. Anyways where can I ever find this person?" He sighs and sadly gets up from his seat.


	30. Chapter 30 Abraham, the Truest Evil

A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'

**Abraham, the Truest Evil (title picked by Rick)**

Michonne walks into Abraham's bedroom early in the afternoon. "Abraham, can I keep you company in here?"

"Sure thing beautiful, but no more eating potato chips on my bed. You like to leave crumbs." He laughs as she gives him a coy smile while pulling out the bag of chips she was hiding behind her form.

"You see, watch it." He says pointing at the suddenly appearing bag.

"I need to find more ammo for Andrea, she runs through bullets like crazy. Wanna go for a run with me?"

"Sounds like fun, it'll be just me and you right? You know I can't stand Rick."

"Yea I promise. Us sane people gotta stick together." She jokes.

"No Rick, possible walker kills, and hanging out with you. Sounds like paradise!"

The camera spots Abraham with Michonne headed towards the car. As he loads up the trunk with some weapons and tosses some food in the backseat. Michonne gets in on the passenger's side before he hops into the driver's seat.

He put's the keys into the ignition. "... **beep**." Abraham jerks back from his window before Michonne wonders what's wrong. Rick is seen with his angry face pressed against the glass of Abraham's window, fogging it up.

"He's not coming with us Abraham, calm down."

After Rick is forced to back away from the car, they drive off, the two can relax assuming its just them now. Suddenly the car hits a bump on the road that scatters some of Michonne's precious potato chips onto the floor.

"God Abe, watch out for walkers." Michonne bends over noticing something strange on the car floor, then starts hearing some giggles.

"Abe, why are you giggling?" Michonne asked as he shock his head. "I didn't say anything and I'm sure I didn't hit any walkers... you'd better hope the car fumes aren't getting to you. One crazy Rick is enough for me."

"Fine... whatever." Michonne bends down yet again hearing a chuckle before the car shifts a bit. "Stop the car!"

Abraham brings the car to a complete stop with a tired sigh before the pair exit. Michonne checks underneath the vehicle, "I could have sworn I heard something underneath here... "

"Even if it was a walker clinging onto the bumper, it's long gone now... there aint nothing around for miles."

"Pretty peaceful." Michonne muses as Abraham is smirking at her.

"It'd be a hell of a lot better if you weren't eating those chips-"

"I'm hungry-"

"It's unhealthy and we need you to eat some greens-"

"Ok dad." She teases as she crunches another chip in her mouth. Abraham and Michonne enter the car, both realize that the doors were left wide open, letting all of the hot summer air in. Abraham squints at the road before reaching over Michonne's side to get the map out of the compartment, both freeze up at the sound of a clicking beside Abraham's head.

"What you think you doin' Red...? Keep your hands on the wheel before I blow them off."

"What the **beep**-Rick?!" Abraham screams.

Michonne looks behind her as Abraham almost sways off of the road in shock.

"There was a crossroad coming up and I need to know which way to go-I was reaching for the map-"

"They teach you how to lie in the army, because that was pathetic. Michonne, pass me this so called map and I'll tell you the way... don't want him leading you off into some dark corner of the woods... like a predictor with candy. And Michonne you know you love candy." Rick says before Michonne hands Rick the map.

With a sigh, Abraham calmly asks Rick to show him which way to turn. Rick glares at Abraham before folding the map open and pulling it over Abraham's face while he's driving, causing Michonne to half-haphazardly takes the wheel.

"Hey, get that thing out of my face-I can't see!" Abraham tries to push the map away, as Rick forces the large sheet of paper against his sight.

"Oh really, well that sounds like something Michonne would say before you try to fornicate with her!" Rick claims.

"Leave him alone Rick!" Michonne calls out in attempt to save all of their lives from Rick's idiocracy.

Rick threatens against Abe's ear. "My face Ford!-first and last thang you see-remember that, huh, REMEMBER THAT?!"

Michonne sits on Abraham's lap before kicking his foot off of the gas and shifts her foot onto the breaks to stop the car. She turns around and pushes Rick away from Abraham.

"Michonne you get off his lap! Don't need this man's twig and berries anywhere near you."

"You almost got us killed!" She spat out, still seated on Abe who was taking a deep breath to calm himself from Rick's assault, he grips Michonne's hips in attempt to move her back into her seat.

"You tryin' to fornicate with her while I'm still in the back seat Abraham, huh? You either a brave man or a stupid pervert!"

"Rick!" Michonne screams. "Rick if you don't stop this beep, I'll make you stop!"

"But I'm trying to stop him from taking yo innocence."

"What the hell?" Abraham yells.

"I used to, as you call it, fornicate with Daryl for months and you said nothing!"

"I know Daryl! When you were with him, you were with me too."

"I was never with you Rick!"

"That's how close the three of us are, I felt and knew everything." Michonne shifts uncomfortably in her seat as Rick continues to rant. "And you lettin' this outsider into places only I should know. There's to many cocks in your hen house Michonne. No red chickens aloud!"

Michonne gives him the coldest stare he's ever seen.

Back at the house a camera follows Andrea as she's walking by Daryl, who's shooting a gun behind Carl's steps in order to increase his agility. "If a bullet graze yo ankle I aint savin' you. If you can't outrun a gator, your beep aint worth beep enough to save anyway, now move!"

Daryl's confessional. "He don't have the privilege of being born with Dixon blood. So we gotta drill the Dixon right into him."

"Daryl why are you torturing Carl? Where's that book I gave you to read?" Andrea asks.

"It aint had no pictures in it. Can't read notin' with all dem letters and beep on the page, looks like ants about to attack meh!"

"You want me to read it to you?"

"It aint gon' be no fun if you aint showin' me no pictures." He complains before sitting down beside her.

"The story itself will be fun enough. Its an erotic tale of two hicks lost in the wilderness. I thought it was something you could relate to."

"They wrote a story about me and Merle?"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that."

Moments later, Daryl is complaining once again about his reading time with the blonde. "Naw, naw, you aint doing it right, you supposed to make the da voices, that's how momma used to do it."

"Fine." Andrea shakes out her hand as it seizes up from holding the pages too long. Daryl's observant eyes notice this and takes the book from her reddened hands, placing it's open pages against the grass.

"All them damn words makin' you get carpal tunnel, can't shoot if you can't use yo fingers... here let me work the kinks out." Daryl tries to grab her hands before she pulls away at the site of the dirt caked against his skin.

"Ew Daryl, wash your hands first." She demanded.

Daryl begins licking the dirt from his palms before sucking away at the dirt under his nails and fingers as she cringes in slight disgust. "I aint wasitn' water on no dirt off my hand, you crazy-water's a luxury!"

Michonne looks over at Rick, who forced Abraham out of the driver's seat at gun point. "Can you open a window? Its so hot in here."

"Sorry, I broke the air conditioner after the wedding... after my fallout with Morgan."

"Why?" Michonne asked as she continued to fan herself.

"It was cool... like Morgan."

"Sorry for your loss." Michonne says knowing how much his _friend_ meant to him. She then did something that got Rick a little paranoid in the car.

Rick quickly glances at Michonne who's pulling apart a few buttons on her shirt before glaring back at the road.

"It's so hot Rick..." She complains before she undoes two more.

"Dammit!" Rick cries out before bringing the car to an abrupt stop.

"Michonne, this needs to stop, you can't do this in front of... him." Rick scowls back at Abraham who was looking out the window.

"I'm not even looking at her-"

"Nice try Ford-I bet you're checking her out in the window's reflection... adding her exposed lady parts to your twisted fantasy!"

Michonne looks back at Rick with astonishment and a bit of fear. "Sorry, I'll button up."

"I didn't tell you to stop... you can keep going but you can't keep doing this Michonne."

"I'm not trying to do anything Rick."

"You can't just flaunt your body around us like that, I can control myself but he's a deviant-you think I don't notice you two around the house, prowling around each other like a horny red cat on a sexy little panther-while all I can think about is-"

"Is what?"

Rick looks at Michonne with baited breath, as Michonne stares back at him then smiles.

"Should I finish unbuttoning the rest of my shirt Officer Rick?" She teases snapping away at another link keeping her blouse together, "you can stop me at any time."

"I aint gonna tell you what to do... I was just looking out for you Michonne-"

"Stop treating me like some mindless child and tell me why you're doing this-the jealousy needs to stop Rick. Dammit Abraham's like a brother to me."

"I guess it's because of who you are and what you mean to me..."

"I... I don't understand." She pauses as she see's Rick's grip on the steering wheel tighten with tension.

Rick looks over at her as she's starring at him. Suddenly, with sweaty palms, he reaches towards her unbuttoned top and-

The camera footage then cuts to black on T-Dog's T.V. monitor. "No, oh no no no no! DALE!" He screams then hears Dale's footsteps rushing up behind him, "the footage just cut to black right when the good stuff was about to go down." T-Dog is furiously pacing around the room as Dale is trying to find out what happened with the feed. "I wanna know what happened! Come on man, get this shit fixed!" He demands.

"I don't know if we can get the footage back, I think the battery camera ran out. Rosita was supposed to replace the camera in the car."

Rosita is called into the room, she sighs and sets her hands on her hips in an bored pose. "How the hell was I supposed to know they were getting in the car?" She rolls her eyes at Dale. "Pendejo."

Abraham's confessional. Abraham's stunned face stares directly into the camera. "I guess they forgot I was still in the car."


	31. Chapter 31 The Passion Of The Leader

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' Warning: religious satire ahead.  
**

**The Passion Of The Leader **

Andrea having gotten word of Rick's latest stunt while on the road with Abe and Michonne, takes it upon herself to talk some sense into Rick.

"Rick, you have to call a truce with Abraham."

"I aint trusting no red headed devil. All that red hair hiding horns, I seen em once."

"You do realize that when Abe's had enough he'll leave the house, and Michonne wont be around much because she'll be constantly visiting him."

Rick frantically shakes his head, "no, noo, nooooooo! Alright you win this one, I'll do it."

Rick has to bring himself to do something mature and its literally killing him. On the way towards Abe's room, both Daryl and Andrea have to carry him along the way. Rick's face is pale and his lips bloodied from his intense biting of them. He weakly lifts his hand pointing to the bedroom door, "in there..." he says whispering faintly, as Daryl pushes the door open to a bright light that blinds the sickly leader.

A camera comes into the room to film the all to coveted hand shake. Rick holds a clenched fist in the air as Daryl grips his friend's wrist and lowers it down. "Steady..." Daryl mumbles as Rick nods, his face drenched in sweat, that Andrea nervously dabs dry, fearing for her leader's declining state of heath.

"Alright man, you got this.. now open yo hand... and let it happen." Daryl see's Rick's hesitation and pries his ringers away from his palm by force.

"Grab it and shake." Daryl commands as Abraham shrugs and reaches out to Rick.

Rick hisses as their hands collide. "It burns!"

"I know man, you doin' great, don't let up... we got this!" Daryl says as Rick collapses on his knees but never lets go of Ford's hand. Rick trembles and feels his bones becoming brittle.

"Uh, so do I shake his hand or not-?" Abraham wonders distracted by Rick's over dramatics.

"Just make the truce already, can't you see it's killin' him?" Daryl plead as he finally shakes Rick's hand, but Rick looks into his eyes, refusing to let go and digging his fingernails into Abraham angrily.

"It's over Rick... Rick, let go." Daryl, Andrea and even Abraham have to pull a limp yet determined Rick away from Abraham, after he finally releases his grip. Abraham looks at his hand seeing red. "That bastard drew blood."

"Blood for blood Ford... the wars over... I'll let up." And with that, Rick faints as Daryl and Andrea carry him out and to his room, where he is finally put to rest. Beaten, yet still strong.

A camera follows Daryl as he's using his entire weight to hold Rick up. Andrea comes up behind Rick and helps Daryl. Rick's limp feet scrap long the kitchen floor as Daryl reaches into the fridge, "come on Rick, you've gotta eat. Its been 7 days and 7 nights."

Rick opens and closes his mouth like a dry fish out of water as Andrea sheds a single tear, seeing such a man so fallen. Beth comes along and places a crown made of flowers on his head then bows before him. "Bless you leader," she says while moving clear from his path.

Daryl's confessional. "If Rick wasn't gonna eat, I thought he'd at least get some sun, put some of that color pack into his skin. He was so Ill though that he through up all over himself, so we found this white robe to put him in."

The camera follows a bored Michonne as she walks out into the back yard. She stops looking up to see Rick strung up above his garden on a large T made out of wood. A sweat and blood mixture is poring from his hairline, as the crown made of flowers was a bit thorny. He looks down at an annoyed Michonne. "I think I see the light, I see an angel...Michonne you're here to take me home, take me away from the cruel realities and suffering of this world. Take me Michonne, take me into your bosom."

Michonne replies, "whoever did all this is going to hell. You know that right?"

Daryl believes that Rick has had enough sun and tells the group to move him into the house. "Come on people, before he gets heat stroke." Daryl, Andrea and even Merle and Lori lift him, Rick acts as if he's on his final few breaths, before seemingly passing out wood against the wood figure.

Michonne sighs. "I hate this **beep**ing house."

Michonne having enough of this, uses her katana to cut Rick from his binds as he limply falls towards the ground.

"Dammit Rick, snap out of it and Daryl, you need to stop enabling him!"

"Man he aint well, I thought puttin' him in his garden would revive him, but he's still out of it-"

"Look, his palm is bleeding..." Beth says in awe as Michonne sheathes her sword and holds up Rick's limp hand in anger. "It's just from his stupid handshake with Abraham."

"That man did this to him... he evil, we gotta get rid of him baby." Lori begs Merle who grunts in agreement.

"Dammit, you people need to get a hold of yourselves, Rick is faking it-"

"M... M... " Ruck murmurs bringing his group around him, as tears begin to flow from Andrea's eyes.

"My child... I want to see my child... "

"You mean Carl-" Andrea asks.

"No... " Rick glances at Michonne as she takes a deep breath to cool her temper. "You've got to be kidding me." She mumbles as Rick suddenly cries out "Michonne, why have you forsaken meh!"

"That's it, I'm leavening." Michonne announces before Rick does a double take and jumps off of the makeshift cross.

"What you mean, you're leaving-" Rick asks, taking the flower crown from his head. He then livens up real quick with an admission. "I think I will literally go insane if you leave this house-"

"Look, Rick has risen, it's a miracle!" Lori praises along with Andrea who nods tearfully in happiness.

"I'm leaving here, with Abraham tonight... it's obvious that your needs will always come first Rick... despite how I feel."

"Wait-"

"No! I'm going...all you had to do was make a truce with Abraham and you're doing nothing but making a spectacle. I put up with your shifts in personality every few days, the least you could do for me is leave my friend alone."

"Alright Michonne I have a way of making everything better." Rick has gathered everyone into the backyard, a pile of rotten fruits and vegetables near a bonfire that he had constructed.

"As your leader, I must own up to my mistakes... but I aint the only one whose made a bad decision... tell me, no, prove to me that I have wronged you... if I have ever wronged you... be the first to cast the first veggie... !"

"Rick, are you serious... this is how you apologize-" Michonne is surprised when everyone grabs some fruits and aims at Rick.

"Ford... I have wronged you... now is your chance to seek appeasement-"

With a shrug everyone began to pelt fruit at the man as Michonne watched. Hell even Carl was having a field day, as he got Rick right between the eyes.

As Rick laid crumpled on the floor, drenched in tomato and rotten pears he crawls over towards Michonne with a fruit in his hand.

Michonne shakes her head. "Rick... no-"

Merle urges Michonne who turns away from the crowd. "Come on woman, this fruit chuckin' is therapeutic."

Rick whispers hoping to salvage his friendship with Michonne. "Please Michonne... it means nothing if you don't help me repent... toss the squash."

"Toss the squash... toss the squash..." everyone begins to chant as she peers down at Rick and with a sigh then drops the vegetable on his shoulder.

He lets out a thick southern screech before crying out towards the sky "I have been reborn!"

Merle and Lori drag his limp body towards the pool and tosses him in, completing his final transition. He brings his head up from the water but is forced under again with Merle's good hand.

At the end of the day, a camera is in Michonne's face as she's walking down the stairs. She hears the laughter of Abraham followed by what appears to be Rick's voice. Turning the corner she sees the two men, civil and dare she assume friendly around the kitchen table.

Abraham looks up to see her, "hey sweetheart why don't you come and join us?" He says pouring some tequila into a shot glass for her as the two men seamed to be on their third or forth drink. She sits at the table and smiles at Rick mouthing "thank you." As the camera pans out it sees that Rick and Michonne are holding hands under the table.


	32. Chapter 32 Andrea's Vision

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. **

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or 'The Real World.' Try to think of "El Tango de Roxanne" when it comes to the first song. warning: Musical ahead.**

**_Andrea's Vision_**

Andrea's confessional. "With some persuasion, I've gotten a few of the roommates to preform my play. It's a masterpiece! It's a sexy story of a sultry former jungle cat turned human. Bound between duty to her millionaire lover, and her cravings for a down in the dumps failed musician on the streets. Set in France."

Rick comes out in a slick pinstripe suit, and a fake mustache on top of his already wildly untamed beard.

"Hey why the hell is Shane here?!" Rick calls out to Andrea.

"Shane's good with the drums. And according to him you can't dance for **beep**."

"He's got the rhythm of a freezing white boy in Alaska!" Shane screams.

Andrea rolls her eyes ignoring the outburst, "just sing and Shane will do his job to provide a good melody."

Rick nods sitting down in the center of the burlesque themed set up. Andrea is tilting his fedora to the side before running from the camera's line of vision. The lens zoom's in on Rick's lustful gaze as the clicking of Michonne's heels are nearing. The beat plays and Michonne slithers into the shot wearing a short red dress dripping in fringe, her signature headband gone and her dreads are styled in a lovely up do.

"You asked for me Mr. Donovan?" She sets a hand by her hip as Glenn sways his camera around for a wider angle.

Rick responds in a poorly executed french accent. "Yes Cheyenne... I want to see you dance... I heard you were a tiger once... can you prowl?"

"Yes sir, I can prowl." Michonne replies in a sensual manner.

Shane starts to bang slower on his drum as Michonne crawls towards Rick on her hands and knees. Rick leans forward simply craving her hungry stare. Then he begins to belt out as Shane's drumming caters to the melody of Rick's voice.

"Cheeeeyeeenne! You don't have to lick your paws tonight, prowl around like a big cat! You don't care if I live or if I dieee." Michonne sits back on her legs and starts licking at her wrist. "Chhhhheyennne you don't have to put me in a fright, rip me limp from limp like dinner! You don't have to suck my bones until they are drieee." Michonne then hisses at him and claws his thighs before ripping his blazer and shirt clear open. Tightly gripping to his blazer, she sways and shimmies her fringe covered hips between his sluggishly spread legs.

Daryl comes into the scene with his hair gelled down, and wearing nothing but a pair of run down overalls, as his body has been severely oiled up by Andrea before hand. He steps closer towards the two but acts as a lurker. He starts to sing, and proudly because he completely remembers the song. "His hands upon yooo waist, his face against yoooo place, his **beep** wants to **beep** that **beeeppp**...its more then I cannnn takkeeeeee!"

As the rhythm of Shane's drumming speeds up, on cue both Daryl and Rick's harmonies come together. "Ccccchhhhheyennnne!"

Michonne turns around, as her eardrums are killing her, and slowly lowers herself into Rick's lap, but its a little too hot for Rick who forgets his lines.

Andrea grows frustrated and starts yelling at Rick.

"Finish the song... why are you just sitting there... stop making those faces, are you about to sneeze?" Rick is practically drooling on Michonne's shoulder as she reaches back grabbing his fedora, placing it on her own head while grinding into his lap. Michonne hops off with the light shove of Rick's hands, as he stands up holding his crotch and quivering while running off, "I need a minute!"

Andrea tells the audience which consists of Lori, Merle, and Beth to take a hike for a few minutes. When they come back, the living room is now turned into a cozy love nest for her two starlets. Glenn's camera films as Michonne appears standing in the center of the room in a long red silk nighty. Daryl comes into the scene. Michonne purrs across the room to him. He's even greasier then before and shirtless. Daryl rushes towards her grabbing her by the wrist and yanking her against him. She gasps dramatically then awaits Daryl's line.

"I saw you with him..." Daryl then looks at the cue card held up by Andrea, squinting hard. Michonne helps him out by whispering his next line into his ear.

"I thought you wus my pretty kitty?" Andrea rolls her eyes as Daryl still isn't using the french accent she forced him to work on.

Michonne sighs as she starts to sing, she knows this will be her most regrettable moment in this house to date. "Yess I am your pretty kitty, sweet and so witty witty, I'll finish this ditty ditty before chitty chitty bang." She pulls her hand from Daryl and twirls around him forcing any other look to grace her face but anger. "You are my lover but there is another, a man with a plan, who takes my loving hand-treats me like no other, but wears the fur of my brother-"

Daryl swings his head around breaking character, "what chew mean? That man don skinned yo brother, what the hell kinda **beep** is that? Naw that aint right, where that son of a **beep**, I'ma kill him!"

Andrea stands up. "Daryl, its a story where the stakes are high! She's a former big cat, she understands the hunt, survival of the fittest... or whatever. Don't insult my work you illiterate redneck!" Andrea cools her frustration before speaking towards Michonne.

"Now Michonne, show him your **beep**."

Michonne sighs in frustration, "No Andrea! At least let Rick see my **beep**."

"No Daryl is the lover in this, he sees the **beep**!"

"Its not happening!" Michonne finishes.

Michonne and Daryl resume the scene as he remembers that he has to passionately kiss her. Both are uncomfortable so they embrace in a hug, awkwardly pat each other on the back, then bumps their chests together with a head nod. No doubt angering Andrea even more as she can't get her steamy vision across. Daryl looks at Michonne for longer then he's supposed to.

"Daryl did you forget your lines?" Michonne whispers.

'Yea."

"Just improvise."

He nods his head. "Yeah girl I'm gonna **beep** yo' **beep** so hard, make you earn that **beep**! Your little **beep** gonna feel **beep**ing sorer than a **beep** on a **beep** with a **beep**... I know you want the big **beep!**"

Andrea gasps. "Daryl!"

In the next set up Michonne and her_ run down lover_ are laying in bed. Michonne strokes at his chest, which is so oily she has to wipe her hand clean using the blanket the two are covered in. "Oh Cristobal! I'll leave him, I'll leave him forever." She sighs dramatically.

Daryl squints at the cue card again, "Andrea you write like you got the hand of an ant, move closer!" He then reads the line still failing to use the french accent. "We will run away together, live free without you under his thumb!"

Michonne rings her ear. "Daryl you yelled right my ear, Jesus."

Michonne lays her head on the least oiliest part of Daryl as the two sleep. The oh so evil Mr. Donovan appears from the shadows and aims a water gun at_ Cristobal_'s temple and sprays it. Daryl leaps up, over acting and screaming while wiggling around simulating blood loss.

Andrea's confessional. "She's a big cat, witty in the city, but still endangered and wounded by the death of her lover. You're really telling me she wasn't gonna get captured? The girl has nothing to live for anymore... oh the tragedy!"

Michonne is dressed up as an actual tiger, face painted and all. On all fours she's prowling around the center of the living room, that's now set up like a jungle. Rick comes out with his mustache shifted and brings out a lasso laughing wickedly. As Michonne feels the loop around her, she side eyes Andrea as Rick belts out another one of Andrea's clever tunes. "There goes my big cat. Ran away and hows that? Visited you with your lover-and splat! How's this working out for you?! Free days are now through! You'll be mines forever! You'll never know better!" Michonne once again cringes at the poorly constructed song.

Abraham prowls onto the stage. Rick brings out his water gun and aims it at him. Abraham ponces and roars loudly. Both men grapple over the gun, as Rick awkwardly says the word grunt, instead of just doing the action. Abraham forgets that he was supposed to let Rick win, so Rick improvise by jumping back and shooting Abe with his water gun. As Abraham falls Rick walks over to the weakened exotic cat and gloats about her fallen hero.

"Ha ha little kitty, look at that, one more cat to add to my batch!"

Abraham see's that Rick's back it turned before pouncing on the man and biting him. Rick laughs saying "that tickles" before a glare from Andrea reminds him that this was his big moment.

"Ahhh, my shoulder-I have been slain... I wont die alone-I will make her feel my pain!" He sings.

Abraham pushes Rick a little too hard off of the living room table and Rick tumbles over, actually hurt but plays dead as to not affect the scene.

"Oh my sweet kitty, I came to the city, to rescue you from a man who was really shi-I mean witty. But I out smarted him with only this... " Abraham awkwardly hold up his paws before placing them down, beside Michonne's animal character's weakened state, singing again. "I have tried, searched far and wide, made you my pride and now I have no time to bide. Wont you be my queen, we can rule this wild kingdom scene?"

Andrea's confessional. "I told Michonne to kiss Abraham, like shove your tongue down his throat, but instead of a passionate sexy french kiss because its set in France or whatever... I get Michonne licking Abraham's face. Thanks for screwing that up! She had the nerve to tell me that's how actual cats kiss."

Merle stands up, as tears flow down his flushed face. He slaps his palm against his stump, attempting to clap.

"That there was some good theater... **beep**ing brova girl! Brova!"

Daryl shouts at his brother. "It's bravo you dumbass... and Andrea... I hope you understand what comes next... you got bit right?"

"I'm so sorry Andrea... I know this was you last request... I hope we did your play justice... you'll be missed." Rick says as he watched Michonne walk over and hold Andrea's hand.

Michonne nods to Rick then asks Andrea where she was bit.

"Huh, naw I wasn't bit, but y'all were being stubborn so I lied... well gatta go-I'm gonna make a sequel."

As the holy trinity stood there, stoned faced, Andrea rushed up to her room.

"I'mma kill that **beep** and wear her as a coat!" Daryl seethes as Michonne angrily wipes the paint from her face.

"Right behind you." Rick murmurs before cocking his gun.

"No... that **beep** is mine-don't try to intervene." Michonne spoke in a cold whisper.

Andre's confessional. "Moral of the story, help protect our rain-forests, and always check for the walker bites!" Andrea smiles then jumps as Michonne kicks open the confessional room door, with her katana in hand. Andrea jumps out of her seat backing up from her angered friend. "Now don't do anything silly Michonne. Your breed of tiger is endangered! Andrea screams as the footage goes snowy.


	33. Chapter 33 Officer Friendly

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Officer Friendly**

Rick is having a conversation with Daryl about how to deal with walkers accumulating at the gate. Seeing Rick in distress, Beth grasps his shoulders and plants a kiss on his cheek before smiling at him and walking off.

"What you think I'm gonna let you get away with that kiss?" Rick says as Beth stops thinking Rick is actually hitting on her. Rick pulls out his handcuffs before clasping one on Beth's wrists.

"Scum like you make me sick! You think you can take advantage of an unsuspecting man like that?!"

Daryl jokes not getting the extent of the situation. "I don't know man, she seemed kind of aggressive... like she was tryin' to fornicate with yew."

"R-Rick I was only trying to make you feel better-"

"You hoein' now too?!" Rick asks in disgust as Beth shakes her head in confusion.

"Rick let me go-" Beth cries out then searches around for help. "Someone-Daryl do something!"

"Just play dead, but only after they shoot, that's how Merle does it." He says as he steps away from Rick's assailant.

"Trying to create an uprising and threatening a cop?! I hope Hershel knows that he's raised a delinquent." Rick seethed in her ear then calls to Daryl.

"Take her away brother... ten days in the basement... I'm being lenient because you young, but I aint gonna let you run wild and attack helpless men!"

Rick's confessional. "Now I know I'ma leader first. But I'ma sheriff at heart, and its time for me to bring some order back into this house. I've noticed how corrupt everyone has become... and I aint lettin' them turn into degenerates."

Rick tightens the belt around his hips. "It's time for officer friendly to make a come back!"

Rick and Daryl are following Andrea around the house. At her peak of annoyance she turns around, "why are you following me?"

"People like you Andrea, they always slip up eventually. Just can't stay out of trouble." Rick then drops a baggie filled with powder by her feet. Daryl picks it up shaking his head as Rick speaks, "well look what we've got here, cocaine."

"Rick what the hell?!" Andrea screams in shock.

"You buying or you selling Andrea, either way you in some deep **beep**."

"That's not even cocaine its flour."

"How would you know that unless you sniffed it? Daryl, book her, book her now!"

Andrea takes off running. "Daryl she's resisting arrest, just like the criminal she is! Go after her."

Later on Daryl finds her and grabs her by the shoulder.

Andrea can only feel the slimy residue on his hand coating her shoulder in filth.

"Daryl get your dirty hand of me, I don't understand how you can walk around like that?"

"Come on, I wanna show you somethin'."

A few minutes, a camera is following both Daryl and Andrea, who are sporting their swimwear. Andrea sees a jacuzzi half filled with boiling water as Daryl tells her that he wanted to experience something with her. She steps in, relishing the hot steam around her before Daryl says "that aint even the best part."

"Ew Daryl, why are you pouring dirt into the water-"

"It's a mud bath... it's great for the skin!"

"No" Andrea tries to get up but Daryl tosses the whole bag in the pool, then on her, and lastly himself before jumping in and swishing around.

"Mixin it in is half the fun!"

Andrea is about to leave, but doesn't seeing the joy on his face. With a shrug they continue to add more dirt, turning the bath into a rich mix of mud.

"You know... this is kind of nice."

"What you expect o' mother earth... just seek and she shall provide... oh and you missed a spot." With a shy smile Daryl pours some mud on Andrea as she takes a handful and wipes it down his chest, making him blush.

"It seems like you missed a spot to... mud boy."

The camera leaves the promising pair to head back into the house, after an hour of searching for a new couple they find Lori and her newly wedded husband. "Come on woman... big Merle needs an heir to the Dixon throne!" Merle says as he tries to climb over Lori, who is in need of his red neck lovin'.

Suddenly the pair hear voices from outside of their room.

"You about sure this... he's my brother?" Daryl whispers near the door before Rick's voice mutters a yeah. "On my count Dixon, we find the suspect, retrieve the contraband and if he resists... you shoot to kill... we can't afford a loose cannon Daryl... this is for his own good!"

Lori and Merle exchange a look of shock before they scramble off of their bed.

Rick and Daryl take turns kicking down the door, before they finally break it down.

"My god damn **beep**in door-oh no, it's 5'oh' Lori take the **beep** and run!" Merle cries out before Rick, Daryl and Glenn, holding the shaky camera, charges into the room to corner them.

"What the **beep** you think you doin'- I aint got** beep** on me-I aint got **beep**, RUN WOMAN-!" Merle cries out to Lori who was frozen in fear.

"On the ground, ON THE GROUND NOW!" Rick holds Merle at gun point before Daryl sees Lori trying to make a get away with a bag from underneath Merle's bed.

"Get her Dixon, don't let her stash it away- we need the evidence-YOU GOIN' DOWN MERLE!" Rick commands his partner to chase down his sister in law.

Daryl kicks Lori in the back, making her fall before he tackles her and wrestle her on the ground like an alligator.

"All them gater wrestlin' come in handy, you aint goin' nowhere **beep**! Rick I got 'er!" Daryl calls back to officer Grimes, who nods back in approval.

Rick whispers in Merle's ear before calling back to Daryl. "I'ma read you yo rights, **beep.**" Rick raises his head calling out to Daryl in the hallway with Lori.** "**Daryl search her and find the **beep**!"

Daryl pats down Lori. "Clean... the bastard must have know we were on to 'em. Sneaky son nah va **beep**..." Daryl mutters before spitting on the floor.

"Daryl search the bag, but take extreme caution." Rick advises Daryl as he points to the bag with his gun.

As a shaky camera angel catches Daryl taking out his hunting knife, he pokes to bag a few times, then cut it open. Daryl gasps as the camera zooms in to find a traumatized Carl stuffed inside along with a bag or two of a mysterious substance.

"T-That aint mine! I never seen that **beep** in my entire life baby brother come on, you gotta believe meh. That kid's tryin to set me up!"

"Illegal contraband, possession of an illegal substance and... kidnapping... I'm surprised he didn't commit murder... that we know of." Rick reads out the crimes.

Lori tries to crawl towards Rick, but Daryl drags her back and scream in her face "Yo scum **beep**, you scum-corruptin' my brother like this, I knew yo weren't no good!"

Lori pleads from across the room to her ex-husband. "B-Baby, I know you just doing your job, but come on sweetie, It's me your little Lori... just let me go, think of our child."

"You people are sick, using a perfectly good bag to carry a child in... we could be using this for food-YOU WANNA KIDNAP A KID, YOU USE A CAR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Rick scowls at Merle before Daryl spits on the floor again as mutters "Disgustin'."

"Take them away Dixon." Rick says as he turns his back on the frazzled couple.

Rick looks directly into the camera before narrating. "Merle, double offender and Lori with child endangerment. Let's go Daryl, there's move to be done around this house."

"We gonna search this room from top to bottom, this place has been a red light zone for days... j-just makin' my justice bone itch like hell every time I passed it." Rick speaks out as Daryl lines Lori and Merle against the wall.

Daryl pulls up the bed mattress with a flashlight in his mouth before he waves Rick over with look of urgency. Daryl took his flashlight and shined it on the materials hidden beneath the bed.

"What the **beep** it this... why you got weird little horse dolls under here-you a Brony?!"

"It aint mine, it's the kid's-" Merle quickly blurts out, trying not to look at the two men man handling his favorite little pony doll.

"Well, we just gonna take your little horse friends down to the station... make some fire wood outta them!"

"Naw... don't hurt meh little AppleJack... she's a good girl!" Merle pleads as Daryl stuffs the toys in a bag.

"I'll carry Lori to the basement and Merle you come down the stairs quietly or Jacks loses a hoof, come on people lets move!" Rick dangles the toy in Merle's face, as the redneck cringes at the thought.

Later that day, Rick watches Michonne with his pelvis slightly poked out, as he loops his fingers in the hoops of his gun holster belt. Daryl was also near by, chewing on a rolled up piece of snake skin. Abraham is with her as the two were in the middle of a conversation before Rick and Daryl broke up the party.

"How's it goin little lady, anything interesting you wanna report to us, anybody troublin' you?" Rick says, trying not to side eye Abraham.

Michonne shakes her head with a smirk. "Come on officer, don't you have anything better to do than harass two bystanders?"

"How about you hang out with us Chonne, soon as you done washin' eathother's panties." Daryl jokes, making Abraham and Michonne slightly cringe.

Rick suddenly see's Carl walking past him before letting a spoon drop from his bowl as he walked away from the kitchen sink.

Rick and Daryl watch as he passes the border from one room to the next, finalizing his crime of littering in the house.

"We got a dropper-Darylll!" Rick shouts, sending the man into action. Daryl chances Carl around the room until the boy hides behind Michonne.

"Come on Michonne move aside, he a dangerous criminal!" Daryl shouts out as Michonne glares at him.

"He's just a kid, both of you are grown men harassing a small child-"

"Crime is crime Michonne, it don't have an age, race or gender... if we don't like it, we get rid of it-that's the law." Rick says as Daryl tries to sneak around her to get the boy.

"I'm sorry OK, I'll just pick it up." Carl runs over to pick up his dropped spoon making Daryl cry out. "He got a weapon-"

Daryl lunges forward, tackling the poor boy towards the ground and slapping the spoon away.

"Oh my god, Carl are you OK-dammit Daryl get off of him!" Michonne reaches out for the boy, but is blocked by Rick.

"Listen here girl, this is official business, you can't get involved."

"Rick, I'm losin' my grip-!" Daryl shouts as Carl is almost free, due to his small size.

"I'm on it." Rick takes out some black pepper before blowing it in Carl's eyes, blinding him.

"This is what happens when you resist arrest-you get the pepper!" Rick shouts in the boys face.

Michonne pushes Rick aside as Abraham holds him back.

"She an accessory-we gotta arrest her!" Daryl says. Rick shakes his head. "Nooo, she just confused, we can guide her to our way of justice, don't hurt her Dixon!"

"Drop the sword!" Daryl yells at her.

"I will when you let go of the boy!" Michonne seethes, making Daryl tremble a bit.

"I'll let go of the boy when Red releases my partner!" Daryl yells back at Michonne and Abraham, who still has Rick in a bear hug.

"It seems that we are at a stand still... " Rick says calmly, making everyone cool down a bit.

"I'ma prove Michonne is just a lost soul... I'm gonna search her and if she clean we let her go... but if she got something... we gotta book her." Rick negotiates with everyone as Daryl nods in agreement.

With a sigh, Michonne puts her sword towards the side, Rick is let go and scrambles over to slowly pick up Michonne's katana and place it away on the table. Carl is then let go too... with a warning and is told to stand against the kitchen wall.

"I-I can't see... you **beep**s threw peeper in my eyes." Carl yells out towards the air, making Daryl scoff.

"Let them **beep** tears work the stuff out for you. Now stand against that there wall while we search yo' friend." He replies back coldly as Abraham carefully leads Carl away from them.

"Ok Michonne, it's gonna feel like I'm feelin' you up, but it's all business." Rick tells her before she lets his hands and eyes glide over Michonne's body, as his hands begin to linger, she lets out a cough to hurry his search.

"Ah ha, well this is new! What's this behind your back than... kind of suspicious-" Rick gives her an arrogant smirk before Daryl interrupts him.

"Rick that's her ass man... "Daryl mumbles out to Rick as he has a realization then pulls away.

"Ok, she clean... Michonne you gotta pick yo' friends more carefully... no more degenerate kids or... certain people of brightly colored hair that may or may not have the last name Ford." Rick walks away but not before leering back at Carl while patting Daryl on the back, at a job well done.

"Why do I feel like this was some ploy to allow Rick to fondle you?" Abraham says out loud.

"I knew it was a setup up." Carl mumbles as he's finally cried all the pepper out of his eyes. "With the law how it is... it aint safe for people like me anymore." The camera films Carl walking off in slow motion, with the melody to Gangsta's Paradise playing in the background.

"Damn that kid's gonna be **beep**ed up when he gets older." Abraham says as Michonne sighs sadly.


	34. Chapter 34 The Blackout

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**The Blackout**_

As the camera pans past the rain towards a car driving off into the distance, a sudden flash of lightning along with a blackout, sends the house into a scene of chaos during the night.

"A car ate Beth!" Daryl screamed out.

"What do you mean, where's Beth?" Andrea asks in confusion.

"Man... she's gone... she just gone." Daryl said escalating the situation before completely giving up hope.

"No offense but how can you lose a whole person?" Michonne walks up to Daryl as he just shrugs.

"I tried to track it but the car didn't leave no drooping... can't track nothin' without a pulse... she probably motor oil by now." Daryl muttered in defeat.

"Why didn't you just follow the tracks left in the dirt?" Michonne wondered.

"The rain washed them away... Miss. Logic!" Daryl sasses as Michonne rolls her eyes and walks away from him.

"That aint all, I think someone's in the house-takin' all our women!" Daryl said, yet again stirring up the already concerned housemates.

"You saw the person who kidnapped Beth?" Andrea asked as she tried to hold his hand, but he pulled away.

"I don't know, he was in a black rain coat and I think he was heading into the house!" Daryl pointed towards the front door, as if waiting for the intruder to come through.

Merle was fed up with this and decided to take action. "I don't wanna end up in no meat fest, we gotta protect our own baby brother! We gotta protect our women!"

"We gotta tell Rick. From far behind he look like a chick, he could be in danger!" Daryl says as Merle agrees.

"If what you're saying is true, we need to gather everyone in one spot, Merle and Daryl, you look for the others and I'll find Rick, but we take no further action than that." Merle and Daryl run off in separate directions, completely ignoring Michonne's plan.

A man in a dripping wet black rain coat walks between the shadows lurking through the house. He leaves a trail of wet and muddied footprints, descending into the basement.

In the dark, the overhead bedroom camera catches the voices of Michonne who's found Rick. "Alright Michonne you stay close to me and look around for some batteries... I know I dropped them near here for emergencies."

After the sound of Michonne getting on her hands and knees is heard, the sound of a zipper being pulled is heard next to her.

"Rick?!"

"Ah, don't do that Michonne, you made me drop it-" Rick says in irritation, making Michonne feel a bit uneasy.

"Drop what?"

"I was just reaching for some matches in my pants... wait I think I can see them, Michonne don't move." Rick whispers as he bends down to feel for the items on the floor.

"Rick... stop it-I'm not a pair of matches." Michonne slaps his hands away as he smirks in the darkness.

"I know... but you can still warm me up-" He says as he tries to give his partner a little squeeze in the dark.

"You know I'm still here right?" Carl mumbles making Rick and Michonne jump.

Carl lights a match and is met with Rick's hands against Michonne's lean waist. Michonne leers back at Rick before prying his hands off of her. Rick glares back at Carl with an angered "thanks." He then snatches the match away and begins to march down the hall.

"What about the batteries?" Michonne says with a sigh.

"What, naw there aint no batteries here, let's keep looking-Carl, stay back in the bedroom." Rick commands.

Rick and Michonne seem to get separated in the dark and unfortunately for Michonne, she's literally bumped into Merle.

"Who, watch out woman, I damn near impaled you... and not just with my little Merle." He chuckled in the darkness as Michonne let out a low irritated sigh.

"Don't you worry your unstable little head, aint no way I'ma let you die on my watch... everyone would just blame meh-"

"Merle-" She whispers.

"Old Merle such a bigot they'd say, he probably killed her with his little Merle-that poor girl, well what about meh, huh?" Merle ranted.

"You have to stay quiet, I think I hear someone near by-" Michonne whisper yells, in order to shut him up... but he just continues his rant in the darkness.

"Then there's officer friendly, he may not be a racist, but that don't stop him from usein' the Chinese kid as a human map and yellin' in you face... damn, he was nicer to me and I tried to kill em'." Merle says coming to a realization.

Michonne listens out for the person near by, trying to ignore Merle.

"You know what? I don't like him, he's an asshole... we should take him out together-" Merle plans, but Michonne is finally fed up with her blackout partner.

"Merle... I'm not helping you kill Rick-"

"Then I'll do it meh self, you don't need to get involved... maybe you can distract him while I take his stupid hat and shove it up his-" Michonne cuts Merle off as they both listen out for footsteps in the darkness.

"Shhh, do you hear that?" She whispered.

Suddenly, someone runs past them and Merle and Michonne give chase.

"Step aside woman, I got this-High cha!" Merle pushes past Michonne before bringing his fist down on their eavesdropper, who drops to the floor.

"They scrawny, it could be Rick-gimme yo sword woman-I'ma end this!"

"What the **beep** Merle, just hold on, we're not killing anyone.. we don't even know who it is... " Michonne tries to calm the blood thirsty red neck down but he still tries to get at his victim.

"I'ma poke em-"

"-Use your hand Merle, not the bayonet!" She warns as Merle chuckles and Michonne side eyes him in the darkness before he's feeling around for the stranger.

"It's like a game o guess who... ok... long hair, their face feels mean... like they scowl a lot... flat... maybe a dude... thin like a mother **beep**er-" Merle mumbles as he gropes the mystery victim's features.

"Whoever they are, just pick them up and let's go... we need to look for a source of light... a flashlight, some matches-batteries." Michonne strategizes before her face is suddenly blinded by a bright light, as she looks away, she looks down to see Lori, unconscious on the floor.

"Oh no, I think you killed Lori!... Merle?!"

"Mi-chonne... we gotta get rid of the body... hack 'er up-I'll cut off the feet!"

In the basement the faceless man hidden behind his drying rain coat pulls out a walkie talkie and taps at it trying to get a signal.

In another part of the house, voices are heard in the darkness. One is an upset redneck and the other is a needy woman, trying to cop a feel of her male partner.

"D-dammit Andrea, quit touchin' me-"

"Well how the hell am I suppose to follow you, you barley talk as it is?"

"Yeah, but hold my shoulders, not my hips... I feel like a **beep** in a dog park."

Andrea grips Daryl's hips a little harder before leaning against his back blowing out a hot puff of air, making him yelp and jump forward in fear.

"Dammit woman, don't blow on my neck-it freaks me out!" Daryl shields his venerable neck as his partner had become like the predictor... seeking him out in the darkness. For the first time in a while, Daryl knew fear as he tired to get his crossbow. Suddenly, as his hands gripped the strap across his chest, Andrea's hands groped his proud little Dixon making him fire off a shot in the dark. Andrea's giggles, along with Daryl's angered blush suddenly stopped, hearing a thud in the darkness.

"Dammit Andrea, you made me shoot off in the dark-"

"Ha, ha, maybe next time I could be the target." Andrea blew a puff of air on Daryl again, making him jump back and knock over a lamp. Suddenly a bullet was heard hitting the wall beside them, making Daryl and Andrea run for it, whoever they shot at, was clumsily with a gun, and had an even worse temper.

"**Beep, beep, beep**, they shooten!" Daryl shots an arrow back in retaliation as Andrea runs past him, but not without giving his but a little slap.

"Andrea, are you **beep**in' me right now-just run?!"

As Abraham finally pushed Rick off of him, an arrow zoomed past his face, almost impaling Rick but missing and hitting the painting on the wall instead.

"Oh my **beep**, that was too **beep**ing close... " Abraham says as he looked at the long lethal bolt sticking out form the wall, then down to a stunned Rick.

"Did... you just save me?" Rick breathed.

"I... I think so..., are you OK?" Abraham says, still a bit stunned.

Rick suddenly bounced back up and hugged Abraham.

"You kind of cuddly-" Rick whispered.

The sound of a lamp alerts Rick to their attacker as he fires off his gun into the darkness.

"Get down Ford, this is my fight... that **beep** is screwing with the wrong **beep**\- aw, my shoulder... **beep** that **beep**!" Rick yells out in pain as an bolt pierces his shoulder.

"Wait... isn't that Daryl's arrow?"

"So it's like that huh? That ungrateful little bastard, you done screwed with the wrong man today redneck!" Rick fires off a few more shots as he finally took cover around the corner.

"Maybe it's just a misunderstanding-Daryl, it's Ford and Grimes... stop firing!" Abrahan called out into the dark, hoping for a response.

"How I know you not tryin' to trick me... you could just be the intruder!" The voice calls back from the darkness.

With a sigh and a loaded gun Rick cries back to Daryl. "When you were four, your dad wouldn't let you be in a beauty pageant, so till this day you still wear a bit of eye liner to bring out your eyes... you said they were your best feature!"

Daryl comes out, along with a clingy Andrea. "Alright cool." Daryl says now sure that its really Rick.

Lori feels around in the dark bracing her hands along the furniture as a guide, when she comes across Andrea who shines a bright light into her eyes. "Oh hey Lori, have you seen Daryl?"

She turns away from the light. "I haven't see a thing the whole night. I got knocked out and left for dead. Dammit why does Rick have to be such a bad leader? This blackout wouldn't of happened if it wasn't for him."

"How's the blackout his fault?"

"Everything is Rick's fault, and if it isn't, he makes it about him. That man's so damn self centered."

Andrea shines a light around seeing that they are in the living room. "I think the two of us should stay in here."

"Why?! So Rick can screw up and one of us ends up dead."

"Why are you coming down on Rick so hard?"

"Because he's a terrible leader, until he doesn't want to be a leader then everyone else has to deal with his mess, and then when he wants to be leader again were supposed to listen. The man can't go anywhere without running into trouble and bringing that trouble back to hurting the group. I'm so sick of him!"

Andrea nods her head, "yea! You're so right. Rick shouldn't be the leader. I should be!"

"Now Andrea, this is no time to be a damn fool. Leading is a man's job, Merle should do it."

"Merle?! I wouldn't let that man lead me into a wall. His stump does a better job them him on a good day."

Lori rolls her eyes. "He's still better that wishy washy Rick."

"Keep talking like I haven't been in here the entire time" the two women jumps at the sound of Rick's voice.

Outside the house, the black car comes back down the road. Beth emerges, stepping out in a rain coat. After swinging the car door shut she waves at the person on the inside and runs back into the house. The car still remains parked outside as it waits for another expected exit from the house. Finally all the lights come back on and the hooded man comes back up from the basement.

As the hooded stranger makes a getaway from Rick's group, Rick sees him and charges in his direction screaming for back up. Rick pins the man to the wall, and presses a gun against his temple then pulls down the hoodie, revealing a very terrified and confused Dale.

"You were responsible for the blackout weren't you Dale? Where the **beep** is Beth? You'd better talk before I blow your backstabbing heathenish brains out!" Rick shouts in the man's face as tries to talk some sense back into to psychotic Rick.

"B-Beth, what, no I just came to fix the lights and come over for maintenance... you people are too rough with the house, so I come over sometimes to fix it up."

"Rick, who the hell is this?" Michonne asks as Abraham wonders who this sketchy old man could be.

"Your times running out Dale-" Rick warns, cocking his pistol.

"I just came to fix the lights-they're back on for crying out loud, use your better judgement... why would I want to hurt you?... I'm your friend... Andrea, thank god, tell him that I'm not a threat."

"**Beep** off Dale!" Andrea scoffs before sitting down on a chair.

"I had nothing to do with Beth's disappearance!" Dale pleaded as Rick yelled over the man, getting Lori a little hot and bothered.

"Then where the** beep** is she than?"

"I'm right here, I just went away for a bit to visit my daddy. It was raining so I decided to take the ride Dale came in... what makes you think I was kidnapped?"

Everyone looks at Daryl who's scratching the back of his head while looking at the ceiling.

"Hey, I only told you what I saw-Rick was the one escalated things. Again!" Daryl shouts back as Rick is yet again the center of both attention and everyone's disappointment. As everyone leaves the living room, Rick is left alone wondering "Wait a minute... but I didn't even do anything this time... Daarrryyyllll!"

As Michonne sees Dale entering the car, she gives up on the idea of interrogating him about his boss who had kept them all here... if it involved Rick, it was a lost cause anyway.


	35. Chapter 35 We Are The Clapping Dead

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Sexual terms, bad planning and crude humor ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'  
**

**We Are The Clapping Dead **

Michonne scenes Merle in her door frame as he leans against it, sizing her up while she's gathering her weaponry for the day. "Alright woman, you and me going for a ride, a little bondin' with ol' Merle should do ya good." Merle says as Michonne can only take his invitation as a joke.

"Yeah, sure... and next you'll tell me to get in the back of the trunk or something too-" She sarcastically answers back.

"Sounds like a yes to me." Michonne walks past him ignoring his presence. He suddenly pulls out a tranquillizer gun he'd stolen from Lizzy a while back, and shoots.

"Ow, what the **beep** did you do?!" Michonne reaches for her sword before she stumbles towards the ground and completely passes out.

"Thank **beep**ing god, I thought I'd have to out run yah... well, up we go Michonne!"

Merle pulls out a roll of wire and ties her wrist together, then puts her sword over his shoulder before carrying her in his arms.

"Uh... well, better keep her sword with meh, she'll need it for the hunt... hopefully she won't try to hunt me too."

As Merle carries Michonne out of the house, hitting her head on yet another door frame, Daryl has finished packing the car with supplies as he gawks back at his brother holding Michonne like a limp rag doll. "Yo Merle... why you got Michonne tied up for? And whats with that bump on her head man?!"

"Why you askin me for, I don't know what kinky **beep** she's into now a day, probably bumped her head when she was tying herself up..."

"What... really... but she said she didn't like to be tied up..." Daryl replies with confusion.

"And that's what this here trip is for, to let out her inner demons on some wild bucks." Merle puts her in the back seat before sitting in the front with his brother.

"You sure she agreed to this, I aint into kidnappin' ladies?"

"Sure, and even if she didn't, it'll be like a lil' surprise-girls love surprises baby brother... trust me, everything's gonna be fine."

The hidden camera in the car films even more foolery along the drive. "Dammit Merle, watch out for them damn pot holes, we lose a tire and we're **beep**ed." Daryl warns his brother who for some reason is driving chaotically through the road.

"The only bumps we gotta worry bout is the one on Mi-chonne's head, go on and cheek 'er for me."

"Should have been more **beep**ing careful wif her than." Daryl mumbled before re-checking the bolts for his crossbow then peers back at a slightly stirring Michonne and he reaches out to shake her.

"Chonne... wake up, come on-"

"No, I said check her, not wake her up, you mad or something?!" Merle speeds up a bit more as he sees some walkers in the distance, and blows past them.

"**Beep**!" Merle makes a sharp turn, sending Daryl tumbling onto Michonne as they both fall to the floor of the car.

"What the **beep** Merle, you drunk or something? Watch the **beep**ing road!" Daryl yells out as he tries to pull both him and Michonne back onto the seat with a hot blush on his face.

"What did I knock you into her knockers or something, you supposed to be reading me the map, how the **beep** are we gonna get to our destination wit you fooling around back there?!" Merle jerks the car to a stop.

Daryl cries out as Merle says "that sounded like it hurt."

"Cut it out, we all gonna have brain trauma by the days end if you don't calm your** beep**!"

"Instead of knocking yo head, you should be knocking boots baby brother-"

"Cut it out Merle, I told chue... she aint into me no more... got it!" Daryl barked back.

"Man will you calm your **beep**, the girl's probably not even gonna remember who I am by the time she wakes up!" Merle says as he hears Daryl pry open and slam his door shut before Merle feels Daryl's crossbow pressing against his face.

"Get out of the **beep**ing car and help me put her **beep**ing seat belt on- Melre!" Daryl warns as Merle sighs and get out.

"Seat belts of for **beep**ies-" Merle mumbles as Daryl slaps him behind the head, and Merle hits him back.

"Help me put her **beep**ing seat belt on!" Daryl aims his crossbow at his brother's face again before Merle rolls his eyes and reaches behind him to strap Michonne into her seat.

"Sure, ask the guy with a knife as a hand to buckle a seat belt... " Merle complains as he stares at Michonne, then the seat belt... then Michonne.

"Uhhh... " Merle wraps the set belt around Michonne's body before moving away while Daryl begins to yell at him again.

"You did it wrong, she's supposed to be up, not strapped across the sets, aint you never seen a seat belt commercial."

"Well, she aint movin nowhere, so quit **beep**ing and and drive!" Merle shouts out before he moves onto the passengers seat and begins to fiddle with the radio.

Merle starts to blast some Guns and Roses loudly in the small confines of the car.

"Stop blasting that music, you'll wake up Michonne."

"Tough, she better learn how to party or else she getting throw outta da car." Merle says just before downing a bottle of scotch that he'd been taking gulps of, whenever his brother was concerned with Michonne.

"Dammit Merle, I knew you were drunk."

"At least I don't drive like a little **beep**."

"That don't even make scene."

"Yo relationships don't make no scene. How'd you go from white to night so easily?"

"Man **beep** you. At least Michonne got a heart, that crypt keeper wife o' you're gonna drag yo ass to hell one day." Daryl says in pride of his last relationship.

The two men then hear groaning from the back of the car.

"Mi-chonne! You awake ah girlie. You wanna swig of this here lickor!?"

"What's going on, where am I?"

"Didn't Merle tell you about the hunting trip?"

"That bastard knocked me out. Untie me right now." She says in a rage though the tone of her voice never rises to a scream.

"Dammit Merle, you told me she said yes!"

"That girl used some witty sarcasm on me, I couldn't tell whether she was being serious or not. Its hurtful!"

An angry Michonne lunges forward and brings her bound wrists around Merle's neck from behind and pulls against his throat causing him to chock.

"Woah, woah, everybody just clam down! Am I the only one zen around here?!" Daryl screams as he was debating on whether to keep the car steady or help his brother.

Michonne pulls tighter against Merle's neck, seriously strangling him as she yelled at Daryl to stop the car. Merle has spent enough time choking and cuts at the wire with his bayonet which was exactly what Michonne wanted, but yes she did actually want to strangle him too. Michonne removes the tattered pieces from around her wrists.

Daryl pressed down on the break causing the car to come to a screeching halt. Michonne gets out of the car in an angry rage as Daryl looks out his window seeing her storm off. "Naw 'Chonne, where you going?" He screams getting out and running after her. "Yew gotta get back in the car, come on we gon have fun hunting."

Merle gets out of the car and rushes towards Daryl and Michonne, he yanks his baby brother back as she angrily turns around unleashing her katana. "You wanna fight Michonne, you think you gon' win... you and your little pig sticker!" Merle challenges her as he shoves Daryl out of the way.

Michonne swings her katana at him as he dodges it, she steps forward swinging again as their blades clash she feels him wielding a lot more strength than her and suddenly her katana goes flying off. Dropping on her back she kicked up, hurling her feet into his crotch then kicking him even harder in the face causing him to drop beside her.

"Whao, both of y'all drawing a crowd!" Daryl say as Michonne and Merle look off towards the side to see a large buck staring them down through the branches of the forest.

"Keep it distracted while I get it." Daryl says as he sneaks back towards the car for his crossbow.

"Not a problem." Michonne rolls onto the man, pinning Merle onto the ground before landing a direct punch to Merle's face as he starts to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Michonne seethes as Merle whispers "Look at yah, stadlin ol Merle like pony... maybe Bambi thinks we about to mate... " Merle wriggles his tongue up at her. "Or maybe he just wants to see the hunters getting gutted for a change." She says in slight excitement.

"I got it." Daryl says as he takes aim at the animal, suddenly a clap of thunder sent the animal charging off into the forest.

"**Beep**ing claps man!" Daryl yelled up towards the sky as drops of rain began to fall.

"This is the second time a case o' claps screwed meh over-get off me woman, can't believe I let you beat my ass for nothin!" Merle whined as Michonne got off, "and what do you mean let?"

"See Daryl, I told you I could get her off-" Merle joked making Daryl kick the car in frustration.

"One more pun and I'll kill you." Michonne leered at him as Daryl nodded in agreement.

Suddenly the three hear a thumping from inside the trunk and Andrea's voice booming from the inside. "Oh my god!" Michonne says in horror as she rushes towards the trunk, and pries it open to see a tired and sweaty Andrea climbing out. "You had what Merle?!" Andrea screams.

"Ahhhh...I thought I told ye about that."

"I'm Probably rotting from the inside now!" Andrea panics.

"I feel like Santy Clause, just givin' the gift that keep on givin'." Merle sways his hips with a smirk.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle just grabbed me last night and stuffed me in the trunk...I think he forgot he put me in there."

"Merle you and I are just gonna have to get back together since I'm ruined for any other man." Andrea whines before Merle tries to deny her.

"Girl I'm married!" Merle showed off his bent bottle cap ring hand, as Andrea pushed it away.

"So...you were married when we were together two days ago!"

Michonne sighs and lowers her head with disappointment and annoyance.

"Andrea! we supposed to have somethin' going on, what the hell you doin' sleeping wif my brother!?" Daryl yells.

Michonne looks up with concern towards Daryl. "Wait...Daryl did you...?"

"Nah nah...Andrea's all pushy and **beep**. Damn horn dog cheater! yew all rotten now, like a deer with a walker bite in it."

"See this is great, Merle will be with me and Meesh you can take back Daryl. It can be the four of us again like old times."

"I thought you was with Rick... " Daryl asks Michonne before she shakes her head.

"You know when you really want a toy in the window and when you finally get it... it breaks... that's what happened with Rick." Michonne sighs wanting to get back to the house. "Daryl... what do you want to do now?" Michonne asks him, making him shrug.

"Come on baby brother, speak yo mind, you amongst friends... and Andrea." Merle mumbles.

Daryl just scratches his head and looks at Michonne about to speak before Andrea chimes in. "We can strengthen our foursome union and have sex."

Michonne and Daryl stare at Andrea like she's an idiot.

"What? Rick said we were all infected!" Andrea yells.

"Not with Gonorrhea!" Michonne screams at her.


	36. Chapter 36 Competitive Nature

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Competitive Nature**

Producers Sasha and Lilly stand before the house mates.

Andrea rolls her eyes folding her arms across her chest.

"You've got a problem, Andrea?" Lilly asks the blonde.

"Finally we don't have to stare down terminus guards and guns for these activities." Andrea answers with an eye roll.

Lilly rolls her eyes as Sasha begins to speak. "We wont need them this time around, not for my latest activity. You guys are actually gonna like this one. Its gonna be a good old fashion scavenger hunt."

Michonne sets her hands on her hips as she's literally ready for this.

Sasha and Lilly share a smile before Sasha speaks again. "Everyone will be partnered in pairs of two, I've chosen the teams at random. You and your partner will head into the near by woods, you will collect the ten different items each riddle clues you to. The winners of the hunt gets an entire day away from filming and the house."

"What if one of us get bit? Aint no way I'm gonna let one of our own turn!" Daryl said.

Merle nodded before saying "Even if one of us do turn, Me-chonne over there's probably chain us up and use us as a pet... maybe she wont even wait for the bite to kill us and just off us herself." He said as Michonne was already taking in the scenery and creating a visual map of the forest in her head, completely oblivious to Merle.

"You will be disqualified if you and your partner both don't make it. One can't be dead, or injured. One can't come back as a walker. This game is about corporation and learning how to keep each other safe." Lilly voices.

As Sasha is naming the teams Lilly is walking around handing out envelopes with the first riddle inside, to each pair.

"Andrea and Beth." Both girls look at each other with an air of skepticism but nod.

'Merle and Daryl." Daryl and Merle both spit in their hands then high fives each other happily cheering. "Dixon!"

"Abraham and Michonne." Michonne looks up at Abe and he looks down at her both nodding confidently.

"And finally Rick and Lori." Lori rolls her eyes as Rick pinches his nose with disappointment.

"Let the hunt begin." Sasha smiles.

A camera follows the teams as they descend into the forest, they all take a moment to think up their game plan and explain their strategies to the camera men.

**Team Dixon**

"We aint gonna waste no time wif stupid riddles, if we collect one o' everything in the forest, we are bound to get all of the clues... " Merle says in pride as Daryl looks at him like he was explaining a cure for the virus. Daryl nodded before taking one of the biggest bags for their hunt.

**Team Sunny Side Up**

"What the **beep** type of team name is that anyway?" Andrea complained at Beth.

"When I can get something that I'm actually proud of, I'll give it a better name, but like always I guess you have to settle-"

"A-hem, so what is your strategy to win?" Glenn says, braking up their bickering.

"I'm gonna use my little friend to-" Andrea is cut off by Beth.

"We might just rob them... but we'll leave some stuff back to help me sleep at night."

**Team AM**

Michonne and Abraham pass by the camera as the crew try to get her to talk.

"What's your strategy for winning-"

"I'm not trying to win, I will win... step aside." Michonne says while taking the list from Abraham, who looks back at the last team in slight worry before walking off behind Michonne.

**Team Lori/Stuff and Thangs**

"We couldn't decide on a name, I wanted to go for stuff and thangs because that's what we're looking for... but she wanted Team Dixon, but that was taken-"

"Hurry up and make a **beep**ing decision-"

"Dammit Lori, let me think!" Rick shouts back as he snatches the list away from her and leers at it. "It's upside down... " She says, yanking at the paper before he hisses at her. "I know it's upside down, I was just taking time to think!"

As Daryl and Merle pick up random objects from the forest, Daryl takes a chance to look at the list. "It wouldn't hurt to try reading the clues... " He mumbles as Merle grunts in approval.

"Take me from a tree when I fall to the ground, I'll grow up from the soil that is brown... what the **beep**?"

"Aint it oblivious baby brother" Merle says at he point towards a tree and Daryl shakes his head. "It's a squirrel... and who around here hunts squirrel...?"

"Me... Is this another riddle?" Daryl pouts in anger as Merle picks up a random mushroom and stuffs it in his rock and dirt filled bag. Daryl looks in the forest before seeing something bushy and yellow in the bushes.

"Jackpot" Daryl aims his crossbow at the bush before letting off an arrow.

Meanwhile Michonne is looking at the list while chopping away at the foliage, she stops, backs up a bit and picks up a purple flower, then continues on without missing a beat.

"Hey Michonne what did you just pick up-"

"Riddle number five, now onto six." She says in a monotone voice making Abraham worry, he wanted her to have fun, not simply win for the sake of winning.

"Hey Michonne, maybe we could take turns finding things-"

"Abraham, lift me onto that tree branch." Michonne commands as Abraham obeys and grips her waist, as they hear Beth's cries in the distance.

During team AM's advancements, the other teams have hit a bit of a snag.

As Beth tumbles out from behind the bushes with Daryl's bolt sticking out of her, Team Sunny Side Up's location was discovered by the Dixons, so Andrea had to jump out with her guns ready to fire.

"Hand over all yo' **beep**!" Andrea shouts at the Dixons who were watching Beth have a mini spasm on the floor from getting shot by Daryl's arrow.

"What the **beep** Beth, why you masquerading as a squirrel fore?" Daryl says trying to take bake his bolt from her stomach.

Andrea sees this and yanks the bolt out, throwing it towards the side before yelling at Daryl to "back the** beep** up!"

"Aw, you can't just yank it out like that, I could have internal bleeding-I knew stealing would kill me one day, I'm not dying for your stupid ass plan Andrea-" Beth yells, holding her now open wound.

"Get their** beep** before I let you _internally bleed_ out!" Andrea warns as Beth drags Merle's bag away and begins to search inside it. Suddenly Beth screams throwing the bag aside as a walker head and an irritate raccoon roll out.

"Did you get bit?!" Daryl says as everyone switches their weapons to point at her.

"It was the raccoon, I swear!" Beth says hiding her bleeding wound as she tries to nurse it away from the group.

"Zero tolerance for walkers!" Daryl says grabbing her shoulder as she tries to back away.

"You a walkerist, you don't even know if I'm a walker or not and here you are trying to attack me, I thought you were better than that Daryl!" Beth say making Daryl throw his hand up in defense.

"I aint the racist one I-hey, she's getting away! Get her and check out that bite!" Daryl shouts as he and Merle chase after Beth, who was zigzagging through the trees for her life. Andrea looks back at the the Dixon's bag and smirks, taking it away with her.

Andrea sees Beth screeching like a lunatic while the Dixon brothers chase after her as Merle yells "She trying to call upon her undead legion, Deeerrrrl shoot er!"

Andrea's confessional. "So apparently one of Sasha's rules were that we couldn't be injured, and that stupid Beth kept bleeding all over the place. Why couldn't she hide her puncture wound and her bite, and her cheek after I slapped her? Dammit, the insolence in that girl.

Back with Rick's team, he was busy looking at roots and grass, in an attempt to distract himself from his ex-wife's complaining.

"Rick it's hot, let me use the list as a fan." Lori whines as Rick yet again ignores her.

"Rick, my feet hurt... Rick, I'm thirsty... It's hot Rick come on." She blows a strand of hair away from her face as Rick stares at some plants.

"RRiiiccckkkkkk-"

"Unless you got the answer to number one, I don't wanna hear it Lori!" Rick warned as Lori saw Andrea snaking off in the distance with a large bag no doubt full of items, giving Lori an idea.

Lori's confessional. "I see Andrea off in the distance lugging this huge bag, meanwhile Rick and I have literally nothing. We needed to snatch Andrea's bag and I needed to light a fie under Rick's ass to do it.

"Rick literally everyone is making progress except us. Do you even care about this hunt?"

"Lori I'm trying my best here."

"Well maybe your best aint good enough Rick! Maybe I should find a better partner Rick! Its not like I haven't before Rick!"

Rick whips his head around as he crazily stares at his ex wife while tilting his head dramatically to the left like he'd draining water out of his ear.

Footage switches to team AM. Michonne looks down reading the riddle to herself, as Abraham is a foot away hacking at a few walkers. As one is approaching her, she unsheets her katana not looking up from the sheet of paper and casually decapitates the walker. Abraham raises an eyebrow at the display.

"Alright, I've figured this one out."

"Michonne..." he says with some concern for her then notices chaos in the far distance as Beth is being carried off on a stretcher screaming "it was a raccoon," and Andrea is angrily kicking and yelling as terminus guards are carrying her away.

"What the hell is going on back there, Michonne look-"

"Abe if they want to turn a simple game into a war zone, let them. I don't care." She replies coldly.

"What the hell has gotten into you?!" Abraham screams at her but she doesn't flinch only looks up at him slowly. "We do not coddle the enemy. We do not acknowledge the weak. We move forward even if we have to use their corpses as stepping stones to do it."

"Damn" Abraham responds.

As Michonne and Abraham see a collapsed rope bridge, Michonne unleashes her katana and tells Abraham to grab a rope.

"We'll grab onto these ropes and cut them, then we'll swing across- use your legs to propel yourself off the wall when you come near it." Michonne waits as Abraham puts his life in her hands before she cuts the rope and waits for him to swing across. "You better survive the jump Abraham. If you lose I lose. And I do not lose. EVER!"

"Look baby brother-it's Mi-Chonne, we gotta stop her from hacking up the bridge!" Merle cries out making Michonne look back at them for a second before cutting the rotting ropes holing the wooed bods in place, she finally cuts her own rope and swings down.

The Dixon brothers have a mini heart attack until they see Abraham climbing up the rope as he bends down to hold Michonne's rope while she climbed up, not even giving a glance back the brothers as her team descends into the forest.

"She cut the **beep**ing rope- she a cheater, come on Daryl, we gonna make a jump for it!"

"We gonna jump over the river?"

"Naw, you dummy, we gonna jump for the ropes, shimmy up and over towards the other side!" Merle says as Daryl and him run back a bit before jumping down.

Daryl completely misses his rope and tumbles down into a shallow part of the river, as his brother actually reaches out at the last second and grabs his rope, but not without bashing his face into the side of the wall first.

"You supposed to run then jump, not just leap off the cliff- ya gotta use yah glute mussels-" Merle scolds his brother's stupidity.

"I was running on **beep**ing adrenalin, ok-oh **beep**, I think I really **beep**ed up this time!" Daryl yells up to his dangling brother as Merle finally realizes the flaw in his plan.

"How the hell am I supposed to climb wif one **beep**ing hand-this was a **beep** plan from the get-go!" Merle complains.

"It was your plan, dammit Merle, there's a stick pocking out of me... oh god, it **beep**ing hurts-"

"Don't be such a little **beep**-just pull it out!"

"Oh** beep**! I just realized that we left our bag on the other side."

"Wut!?"

Rick and Lori are still on clue number one. And Lori is furious. She looks up again seeing Andrea gone but the bag she saw her with still laying there. Thinking its a trap that could get her hurt, she sends Rick to go get the bag.

"Its a man's job to face danger."

"That don't even make sense. First you don't want me to lead you into danger, now you willing to put our lives in danger."

"Not our lives just yours."

Rick angrily storms over to the bag with Lori following behind. "Search the bag." He screams pointing at the bag with his gun.

"No!"

"Search the damn bag Lori.

"No."

"As your leader I command you to search the damn bag!"

"You search the bag!"

"This is not a democracy anymore, if i make a demand I expect you to follow it."

"I only follow real men Rick, and since I see none around me at the moment I aint gotta do squat."

Rick's confessional. "I just kept chanting in my head...Carl needs his mother...Carl needs his mother, but does he? I mean does he really need her? I feel like she aint long for this world, like she aint even supposed to be here right now. Like she's overstayed her welcome."

Rick stands up and looks at her dead in the eyes, "well then I guess we've got ourselves a little problem." As a lone walker is approaching behind Lori, Rick kicks Lori towards the walker.

She screams.

"You search the bag and I'll kill the walker." Rick says as she's running around as the walker is gripping at her hair.

"Rick help me!"

"I can't hear you over the sound of you not searching through that bag. You wanted a commanding leader now you've got one."

"you murderous bastard-"

The camera pans away as two gun shots are heard then Rick walks past the frame sliding his gun back into its holster. He then leans down and checks into the bag, "oh there aint nottin' in here."

Sasha comes up to Rick. "Where's your partner? You'll be disqualified without her."

"Half of her could be in a walker, and the rest of her could be back in the forest. I just don't give a **beep** anymore."

Sasha sighs and turns on her walkie talkie, "Rick's out...look for Lori's remains I guess." Sasha shakes her head, finally coming to terms with the fact that none of her awesome activities will ever have the proper outcome with these people.

Michonne and Abraham are at the finish line, having collected all the items hours ago.

"So let me get this straight, I had to jump off a cliff, kill forty walkers, wrestle an anaconda, fight off some ninjas, and all this time we already won because those idiots sabotaged their own teams?!"

Michonne shrugs and nods at him. "Yes."

"Well aint that a **beep**. "


	37. Chapter 37 The Sick Cells

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**The Sick Cells**

The walking dead house, 3:32 pm. Andrea walks into the hallway as Rick lets out a sneeze right by her. "Dammit Rick, cover your nose when you do that." She rolled her eyes and walked off, while Rick released yet another sneeze. A woman with short hair peppered in black and gray appears outside the living room window, her hand tightly grips her hunting knife while watching the leader secretly through the curtain. She watches as he sneezes again then let out a string of coughs into his fist before dropping on the couch. The woman's head lowers out of sight just as Rick looks towards the slightly blowing curtains.

In the kitchen Andrea sneezes and sighs in annoyance, "that dam Rick" she mumbles under her breath then sneezes again just as Lori is passing by her. "Really Andrea you choose to come into the kitchen with your cold?" Lori reprimands with her usual uncivil tone when speaking to Andrea. "Honestly go find something to do around the house."

"I'll do your husband" Andrea whispers with spite.

"What?" Lori turns around not making out Andrea's last statement.

"Nothing, I'll get to that activity I'm thinking of." Andrea replies with a nastiness in her tone that goes unnoticed by Lori who literally ignores the blonde whenever she's not dictating chores to her. Andrea sneezes again leaving the room as Lori coughs a few times covering her mouth. Lori sighs angrily, unaware of a pair of eyes peaking in through the kitchen window at her.

The walking dead house, 6:32 pm. Merle is sneaking out of Andrea's bedroom which for only the day is occupied solely by the blonde since Michonne along with Abraham are away from the house. He's seen coughing up a storm as he walks down the hallway with watery eyes and a running nose. Glenn zooms in on him with the camera but Merle raises his hand shoving the camera aside, even Merle's to sick to say something distasteful in the moment.

A different camera catches a coughing Daryl. The redneck walks over Rick who's crawling on the ground, leaving a trail of seat and tears behind him as he groans, "Cooorrllll!"

The camera sways away from Rick and follows Daryl into the living room. Daryl stabs a hunting knife into the arm of the couch bringing himself up as his legs are limp and useless. He sneezes a few times and doesn't have the decency to wipe his nose before continuing to crawl onto the couch. As he turns over on his back with the groan of an 80 year old man, his eyes widen as he sees Carol standing over him with a knife. He shakes his head then screams.

In the hallway Rick hears footsteps behind him, "carrrrllllll...help me up. you gotta help me son! Carrrrllllll!" Rick screams as Carol crouches down beside him and Rick spots her knife. "HELPPPP!" Someone help!" Rick crawls dragging his elbows on the ground. He sees Merle in the distance and tries to scream but his throat's to dry. Carol then grabs his ankles dragging him away while his fingernails scrape along the hard surface of the floor.

Lori covers her mouth with her arm coughing hysterically. She flashes her head back and combs her hair up into a bun before noticing the kitchen window wide open. She leans forward as Carol appears right behind her. Slamming the windows shut a loud scream is heard from the kitchen as Merle recognizes the scream as Lori's. "Dam woman, shut the hell up in there, you know the kitchen's all echoy and **beep**." Merle grumpily stomps into the kitchen seeing no sigh of Lori. "That dam woman wanna play her games in the middle of the day like she aint got dishes to clean!"

Andrea comes into the kitchen sneezing as Merle is heavily coughing. Andrea sees Carol show up behind Merle.

"Merle...oh my god, Merle! Run! Merle Runnnn!"

"Shut da hell up Andrea can't you see I'm sick?" Merle is then struck over the head by a vase, that shatters around him as his body slams against the floor. Carol smiles at Andrea raising her hunting knife that appears to be covered in blood. Andrea screams at the top of her lungs and clumsily starts running through the house. Carol then drags Merle off.

Stumbling up the stairs Andrea is coughing and holding her queasy stomach. "Rick, Daryl...someone **beep**ing help me!" She cries running through the upstairs hall seeing no one around but her. "Hellllppppp!" She scream as the camera zooms in on her terror. "Dammit Glenn, Carol is after me, find help."

"I'm not supposed to get involved."

"She's gonna kill me, are you allowed to watch a murder happen?"

"Maybe you should run."

"Glenn I need your help, come on!"

"Andreeeaaaa!" Carol says popping up behind her. Andrea shoves Glenn out of the way and jets down the hall. Rushing into her bedroom she slams the door shut as the overhead camera catches the panicked blonde. She braces by the door then suddenly an axe crashes through the wood door a mere inch away from Andrea's turned face. She stumbles off as the axe keeps hacking away. "Carol its just a cold! Why are you doing this?!"

Andrea can see Carol through the hole made in the door and watched the pepper haired woman stuff her menacingly deranged face between the wood splinters. "You're a threat to the group Andrea, I'm trying to save lives!"

Carl crawls out from under the bed as the door finally crashes open. "Carl come here!" A terrified Carl comes towards Andrea, thinking some motherly instincts have kicked in for the blonde, and he holds her tight as Carol is approaching the two. Andrea then shoves Carl towards Carol as the kid is screaming profanities at his betrayer. Andrea then opens her bedroom window and makes a jump for it just as Carol's knife swipes an inch out of range.

Groaning against the lifesaver that is Rick's failed garden, Andrea gets up and runs tripping over air. She groans weakly and covers her mouth muffling her coughs, then looks up seeing a car dropping Beth off at the front door, and Carol coming out to greet her. Andrea shivers in fear of being caught as she rushes out of sight. She hears Beth's terrified scream after the younger blonde released a few harmless coughs.

Outside the walking dead house, 8:59 pm. A terrified Andrea braces against the side of the house, sneezing in her hands out of Carol's line of vision. "Andrea I know you're out here...the two of us are friends, I just want to take care of you." Carol says as she's sharpening her knife and Andrea can hear the piercing sound the blade made as it was being sharpened. "I've got the entire house Andrea...don't you want to join them?"

Andrea runs off with a hard sneeze as Carol sighs and chases after her. Andrea is so busy looking behind her that its to late to stop herself from smashing face first into a door. As she falls to the floor Carol smiles standing over her.

The walking dead house, 4:02 am. Andrea is waking up in the living room. She holds her head seeing Daryl, Beth, Rick, Merle, Lori, and Carl wrapped up in warm blankets while sipping on bowls of steaming hot soup. She herself is wrapped up warmly as she sits up looking around the room. "What!? we're not all dead?"

"Naw turns out Carol's all caring and **beep**. We was getting too sick in the house so she's nursing us back to health." Daryl says smiling proudly at Carol who's entering the room making Andrea jump. "Here you go, a bottle of water and some pills to help you relax."

"I don't want anything from you, you chased me around the house like a **beep**ing mass murder. I thought you were gonna kill me. Kill all of us!"

"Oh Andrea just shut the hell up..." Lori complains angrily as Merle chimes in with a wink he hides from Lori. "Yea, or I'll have to put something in there to hush yah up." Andrea rolls her eyes at Merle and takes the water and pills from Carol.

"If any of you need me I'll be outside." Carol leaves the house as a camera follows her. There are two cans of gasoline by the door, one can had already been emptied by the front door, the smell completely dulled by the sickness of the housemates, as Carol lights a match and looks into the camera it suddenly cuts away from her, due to the crew's loyalty to their own, they never film each others deeds, deadly or otherwise.

**authors note: How horrible would it be if this was the final chapter? lol**


	38. Chapter 38 Happy Luau

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Happy Luau **

At the headquarters building, Sasha is running down the hall to see head producer Dale. "Please don't tell me Carol mass murdered the entire house, we wont have a show anymore."

"No everything is fine, your brother stopped her."

The events of last night. After getting word from Glenn on Carol's initial plan to set blaze to the survivors, Tyreese is walking down the hall past T-dog's office, he has to practically whisper so that the boss doesn't get word of this. He speaks into his walkie talkie after pulling out his earpiece. "Sophia honey, I'm gonna need you on the job tonight. How close are you to your mommy?"

Just as the flame is lit Carol stops hearing Sophia calling out to her. She flicks the match a few times outing its flame, then turns around seeing Sophia with her tranquillizer gun. "There aren't any flowers for you to look at, so you're just gonna have to take the bullet straight. Sorry mommy." Carol then feels the dart being shot into her stomach and she collapses making a light thud.

Sophia speaks into her walkie talkie to Tyresse. "Its done."

Present time, In T-Dog's office, the neatly dressed man is having himself a martini and an assortment of chopped up fruits, re-watching some of his favorite episodes on his tv monitor.

Sasha comes into the room to give a report on the developments at the house, "Hello sir."

"Sasha, I already know about Carol..."

"Oh this is about Abraham and Michonne, remember they got a day away from filming. Well I just went to see them and I'd like to give them an additional day there."

"Why?"

"They seemed happy."

T-dog offers a sad Sasha a seat which she takes with a a small sigh. "I wonder if all the privileges we give this group is actually taring them apart. Rick hordes all the food, Lori wastes all the electricity, Daryl defiles the water and Michonne keeps destroying our equipment."

"Then maybe we should take everything away from them. T-dog giveth and T-Dog take it away."

Back at the walking dead house, producers Lilly and Martinez are sent to give the housemates the _good_ news. Lilly steps forward as a few terminus guards take their positions and aims guns at the survivors. This again annoys Andres beyond belief.

Andrea's confessional. "There's like eight of us against fifty of them, why the hell are we always the ones under attack? This aint **beep**ing juvie."

Lilly addresses the group. "It has come to our attention that you all need a wake up call...you live in this house, enjoy the amenities, but along with that is destruction to property, unsanitary living conditions..." she looks to the Dixons "and wasteful displays of electricity." Rick angrily looks at Lori. "Leaving all the damn **beep**ing lights on again!"

"Carl is afraid of the dark, he needs the light to comfort him-" Lori justified her wasteful uses of the electricity.

"Yeah, like ten years ago... now you're just leaving the lights on to piss me off!" Rick complained.

Lilly cuts through the tension between Rick and Lori. "We're taking everything away, in a moment there will be no running water...no air conditioning" a few more terminus men rush into the house clearing it off its food. "There will be no food...from now on you'll live without your luxuries, until we think you've learned your lesson." Lilly finishes with a smile.

Rick steps forward. "Wait wait, where the hell is Michonne...why isn't she back yet?" Martinez, who hates the group's leader with a passion, approaches Rick smugly. "She'll be away a day longer, practically begged to have some more alone time with Abraham, she wont be able to walk for a lonnngg time I bet."

Rick clenches his jaw walking up to Martinez as the Daryl comes up to Rick, pulling him back. Lilly pulls back a laughing Martinez and clears out with the terminus team. It wont be long until the entire group completely loses it.

Andrea's confessional. "Its only been ten minuets since those **beep**y Terminus guards came in and milked us dry. Everyone's losing their cool out there. I don't understand why everyone is escalating the situation so badly... usually Michonne steps in and says something logical to calm everyone down... I'm sure Rick can make rational decisions until she comes back."

Rick is frantically pacing back and forth. "They took the food, water, and the electricity, they're trying to starve us out-take apart all of the furniture and fortify the walls-they aint taking anything else away from us... Carl?... CCCAAARRRLLLL?!" He runs off.

"There's still water in the toilets, we can drink from them!" Daryl says.

"If we are getting starved out maybe we should pick out a human to eat." Beth suggests as her relationship with Garreth has changed her perspective on things.

Rick shakes his head as he finds his way back into the living room, having given up on his second long search for Carl. "It hasn't come to that yet! But when it does, we gotta pick out the weakest in the pack, someone with a ...handicap." Merle notices the entire group but Daryl huddled together, and cautiously asks "what y'all talking bout over there?"

"Nothing Merle, you just look kinda beefy is all." Rick announced while looking Merle up and down.

Still huddled within the group, Beth keeps a watch out for Merle who's left to search for Daryl.

Lori speaks up. "I know he's my husband and all, but a woman's gotta eat. Now lets plan how were gonna get this son of a **beep**. One of you hold his good hand, another slips off little Merle...then we'll get to biting."

"I want the neck" Rick whispers.

"I want his legs" Andrea whispers.

"I'll take his arm..." Beth announces.

"Which one?" Rick asks.

"Not the short one, don't rip me off now I've practically fed that beast." Beth replies.

"You fed him his own hand once."

"So what, you ate it too, how did it taste Rick, was it yummy?" Beth taunts.

"As a matter of a fact...it was" Rick whispers with some sass.

"Wait, how are we gonna convince Daryl to eat his own brother?" Andrea asks.

"If we chop off the head, he'll never know." Rick responds.

Andre still looks unsure. "He'll still know it's a person."

"If we skin it good enough and just hand em a few pieces, how he gon know, unless _someone_ tells him." Rick adds.

In the bathroom, Daryl is doing his best to get the water out, the group will need it and he uses his dog like tongue to lap it out into a large bowl.

"Darryl what you doing in here?" Merle asks finally finding him.

"I'm transferring this here toilet water into da bowl for later."

Merle raises an eyebrow thinking over Daryl's idea. "Your a dam genius baby brother."

Downstairs Rick is still panicking about food. "We would have been able to survive off of my garden. But non of y'all helped me enough to restore it, so now its dead-and we're gonna be dead because Lori ran over my peas!"

"Rick you're the one who's got a secret stash underneath his bed..." Andrea says.

"Them damn termites cleared it all, they always know where I stash my **beep**. How?

"Were being filmed 24/7 right?" Beth asks.

Suddenly all looks are directed at Glenn behind his camera. Glenn's camera then drops to the ground as its owner's footsteps are heard running off in the distance.

With only the overhead cameras to record the happens in the house, Rosita's on the job. Rick is seen nibbling on the steps, Rosita's badly angled camera sneaks up on him. As he hears the delicate foot steps, Rick turns around with a quick reflex and looks at the camera with splinters in his mouth then spits them out, because wood aint tasty. He whispers, "fiber! I aint dying tonight.'

Some moments later, the group is at it with another escalation. "We gotta sacrifice a child to the devil in exchange for food. A complete innocent since all y'all filthy, we can't use any of y'all...wish Michonne was here, she innocent but she gone." Rick takes a moment to frown before speaking again. "So...someone find me Carl. You bring em to me, but don't tell him why."

Carl hearing this runs around the house to hide from the crazy adults.

"I'm gonna draw the summoning circle, y'all get Carl... check under every bed... and bring him alive... Lori bring me the candles." Rick whispers as Lori nods.

"My sweet baby boy is finally gonna amount to something, we gonna feed his little soul to the devil." Lori says with a tear in her eye before the group runs off to find the last Grimes.

As a camera follows Carl dashing around the house, he ducks under Andrea's bed, seeing as Michonne's bed would be the first one everyone would check... and her bed was on fire.

Footage from a few minuets earlier shows Lori wondering into Michonne and Andrea's room with a candle. "That damn Michonne, always with her chips and candy, I bet she hides them under her bed." Lori moves the candle under the mattress for a light but leaves the flame there. She screams and jumps back as the mattress catches fire. "Oh my goodness." She runs out of the room.

"Oh my god, Michonne's bed is on fire!" Carl yells in fear as he hears noises in the bathroom and rushes in to see the Dixon brothers. Merle was rolling around on the floor as Daryl had his head in the toilet.

"They turn against you too, them vaulters eyin' my meaty body, so I'ma soil it on this here floor, Daryl storing water in his body-aint that right baby brother!" Merle calls back to Daryl who kept his head down in the toilet but gave his family a thumbs up.

"You guys gotta get out of here, Michonne's bed is on fire-"

"Daryl probably rubbing himself in her sheets again, that boy get carried away sometimes-" Merle jokes as Carl tried to open the door, but was met with flames.

"Dammit, we gotta go-" He pleaded.

Daryl finally pulled his head up from the toilet "There's still water in here, if I flush it I could get more... unless they cut the water and we lose the little that's left behind."

"Daryl's full o water, you gotta pee on the flames to make em' go down, then we run!" Merle said as Daryl shook his head.

"I aint pissin' on Michonne bed, that was the first thing she trained me not to do."

"Boy you'd better soil them sheets before I piss on them myself-"

"We could use the water from the pool... but we can't leave this room, oh my god... I don't want to die like this... please let someone else have the same idea as me to put out the fire." Carl pleaded, hoping one of the other housemates would douse the fire with pool water.

Outside of the house Michonne and Abraham finally return from their mini vacation. They share a look before busting through the front door that was illuminated in a red glow.

Carl and half of the group have scorched clothes, as Rick is holding up a candle above his head as if he was the sole light in the world. Daryl and Merle are doing an erratic dance around him while Beth is booty popping in front of the fire pit. Carl is tied up like a pig as Lori and Andrea are showering him with dried walker bits and flower petals.

"What the hell?!" Both Abraham and Michonne scream.


	39. Chapter 39 Hunger Pains

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. warning: Some actual drama ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Hunger Pains **

The house is under stain having not regained any of their utilities back. Everyone is upset and on the edge as they haven't been fed in two days. Whoever was in charge really wanted to see the group suffer.

Carl pulls on Rick's sleeve to get his attention. "Dad, I'm hungry-"

Rick grimaces. "Oh now I'm your dad, so what, every time you get a tummy ache you wanna crawl back to me like the ungrateful walker chow you are-"

"Don't talk to him like that, what has gotten into you?" Michonne interjects as she cradles Carl while Lori's envious stare bores a hole through the Samurai.

"You should have brought some food back when you were on your **beep**ing break with Ford-why don't I get a break? I've been leading this group from day **beep**ing one!" Rick screams at her then stares furiously at the cameraman.

Lori whines. "Yeah, leading us downhill. When we were with Shane we had a camp, safety and order but you have so many demons in your **beep**ing head, you can't even make a phone call without breaking the **beep**ing receiver. The second you took over we had people dieing left and right."

"What are we even doing here anymore? Come on Rick lets just leave this house-" Beth complains making Rick direct his anger towards her instead.

"And go where?! Unlike your barn it didn't burn down yet Beth-we stay here until I say otherwise-nobody is keeping you here, if you wanna go, the door is over there!"

Daryl tries to calm down the group from revolting on Rick. "Come on everyone, food's scarce but that don't mean we gotta bite each others throats out-"

"Yeah dad, don't have a cow." Carl jokes.

"I should have left you by the deer, when I had the chance." Rick replies.

"Carl baby why don't you come over here to your momma." Lori says as Carl looks up at Michonne who smiles and ushers him to sit with Lori. Lori coldly stares at Michonne while holding Carl tight.

Michonne hides her discomfort feeling like she's over stepped in terms of Carl. Abraham who's seated beside her, notices this and whispers something into her ear making her smile. Angered by hunger and Abraham in general, Rick decides to bait at Abraham. "What's so funny huh? I wanna laugh too. Why don't you tell me a joke Ford. We dying of hunger but there's always time for a laugh."

"Your life's a joke! Everything about it makes me laugh!" Abraham retaliates.

"Says the idiot who thinks there's a cure in Washington D.C." Rick fusses.

Abraham gets in Rick's face having been docile for to long with the group's leader. "Tell me one decision you've ever made that hasn't backfired, made new enemies, or got someone killed?!"

"Ima keep making my bad decisions hoping you die next!" Rick fumes.

"I need a snickers bar..." Beth says breathing the tension with her hunger demand. "But Michonne would just eat it! Beth sees Michonne's questioning stare and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, i'm just so **beep**ing hungry."

Lori speaks up. "You know what? Abraham's right. He should be our leader instead of you. He's already got everything your supposed to have...including Michonne."

Michonne's confessional. Lori's a real piece of work. I haven't slept with Abraham but she keeps insinuating that I have to get a rise out of Rick.

"Rick you're one **bee**ping mistake away from a mutiny-" Abraham warns.

"What the hell do you mean? My group is loyal they will never betray me." Rick screams.

Andrea, Merle, Lori, Beth, and Abraham all share a common glance to the contrary.

Beth clears her throat. "Rick we've been talking and we think its time for you to go back into the _garden_...permanently."

"We're not putting anyone in the garden." Michonne says with a tiredness in her voice.

Lori directs some annoyance towards the well intentioned Michonne. "Michonne shouldn't you be face deep in a red pubes by now. Stop getting into conservations between men."

Michonne's nostrils flairs as she gets up looking at Lori. "You and me need to step outside right now!" Michonne seethes as the kind of talk she wanted to have, Carl couldn't bear witness too.

Daryl shakes his head, "Chonne just let it go...Olive Oyl over there's just tryin' get you worked up."

"Michonne isn't even what's important here...getting a new leader is." Lori reminds.

"I'm not just gonna stand here and let Abraham and Rick tare each other apart."

"Why not its your fault." Lori says screaming at Michonne.

Andrea feels the need to cut into Lori, plus her stomach pains are really getting to her at the moment, and she needs to lash out. "Just because Michonne is a better mother to your child then you are doesn't mean you have the right to act like a **beep**."

"I do the best that I can with Carl, I can't say the same for Rick." Lori directs even more anger towards Rick. "You were a lousy husband!"

Rick gets tired of Lori's crude and snide comments. "How's it feel Lori? How's it feel to have someone you love stab you in the back? For your lover to** beep** someone else, over and over again while you lay cold and alone in you bed-worried sick about them, while they get their **beep**s and giggles on your lie of a marriage."

Lori looks confused. "Rick... what are you talking about-"

"Come on Andrea, don't you have something to share with the group, seeing as you already shared yourself with Merle."

Michonne's eyes widen "Rick don't do this."

"No Meesh, I have nothing to hide." Andrea faces Lori, "I **beep**ed your husband and you know what? He loved it. Carl didn't choose you, Merle didn't choose you. No one likes you, get the hell out!" Andrea screams in a rage that scares Michonne who walks to cool down her friend.

"Andrea we shouldn't do this right now." Michonne says as all of this is happening right in front of Carl.

"Its alright because Merle's probably gonna do me later!" Lori gets up charging at the blonde but is held back by Daryl. Beth searches around the room and sees that Merle is now missing.

"I will throw you down and I will **beep** your man right on top of you. Don't think I wont!" Andrea is being help back by Michonne but manages to slip from her friend's grip, and charges at Lori who's still being held by Daryl and slaps the brunette hard across the face.

"You home wrecking tramp!" She slips free of Daryl and shoves at Andrea. Lori turns around distracted by her husband's absence. "Merle!" Lori screams with anger.

Feeling Andrea cool down Michonne releases her and looks worriedly at Carl. With a war cry Andrea drags Lori back by her hair before whipping out a gun and aiming it at her back. In a panicked attempt to stop the bloodshed Michonne unleashes her katana and looks between the two women as she cuts Lori free of Andrea's grip.

"Ahhhhhh, my hair...NNOOOOOO!" Lori crumbles to towards the ground as Andrea tosses the heep of hair she still held at her trembling form.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what else I could do- she was going to shoot-" Michonne says.

"You **beep**, you** beep**ing die and go to hell! All of you are savages, I didn't want to even be in this group, I just followed Rick because I thought men could lead-but you people, can all** beep**ing die-"

Michonne angrily sheets her katana and approaches Andrea. "Come upstairs with me now." Andrea sulks like she's in trouble with a parent and follows Michonne upstairs into their bedroom.

"What is it Meesh?"

"Give me all your guns."

Andrea sighs and starts to pull guns from literally ever corner of her body, one from behind her back, one in her sock, one in her back pocket, a smaller one she'd been hiding in hair, then finally one from her bra. Andrea then starts to shove her fingers down her throat as if to throw up.

"Andrea what are you doing?!"

"I swallowed a gun yesterday. And yes the safety is on so don't worry."

Michonne checks the guns. "Non of these guns are loaded."

"Yea I know, someone was supposed to go on a run and get me ammo, besides their intimidation guns, I'm not a murder!" Andrea chuckled before leaving the room where a pissed Daryl runs into her.

"You had to tell everybody about you and Merle, he aint perfect but he tryin'. You always interjecting and causing drama!"

"The only thing Merle cares about is finding a hot place to stick his **beep** in!" Andrea screamed as she pushed the hunter away from her.

"You just mad cause you got a burnin **beep**y-tryin to send meh on runs for ointment. Better get Glenn to find that **beep**!"

"This is all your fault, if you would have meet me half way I wouldn't have been with Merle."

"What you want from meh, I gave you all I got and you still wanted more-?"

"No Daryl, I'm tired of you beating around the bush, you talk big but you never do anything-do something Daryl, if you don't like it shut me up-"

Daryl gabs Andrea before shoving his wild tongue in her mouth and gripping her butt a hard squeeze during their angered make out session. He shoves her away as he is left breathless and whipping the saliva away with his forearm.

"I want more than that!" She screams.

"I'll **beep** you when I'm good and ready-"

"You will **beep** me tonight!" Andrea suddenly pulls out her last gun as Daryl aims his crossbow back at her.

"What about Merle-?"

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you-I'm hungry and horny and you will **beep** me! Tonight!"

"Yeah well, we'll see... " Daryl and Andrea never lower their weapons as they slowly backed away from each other before they ran off in the opposite direction.

Rick is outside drawing lines in the dirt and planting small seeds between them as Lori kicks away at the lines once he finishes drawing them.

"What the heck you doing Lori, I'm tryin to save what's left of my crop-"

"Stop playing in the dirt and feed us-"

"I planting these for the group-"

"No, me and the baby-I'm pregnant Rick!"

"Whose is it-"

"What do you think?"

"How far along are you-"

"I told you I don't know... I just woke up one day feeling... rounder-oh my god, this must be why my sweet Merle is avoiding me... do you thing it will come out with a little bayonet too?"

Inside the house, the camera catches up on Lori's first child. Glenn's camera comes up to Michonne after she'd tucked Carl into bed. "Hey Michonne, are you ok? You're the only one who hasn't gotten anything off their chest."

"That's because I never once stopped having my **beep** together." She says then walked off.

Hours later, Merle is still nowhere to be found, Lori is sporting Carol's hairdo, Abraham is resting his head in Michonne's lap, and a very disheveled Daryl and Andrea were still fixing and adjusting their clothes, while entering the room.

Sasha comes into the house, and unlike Lilly she doesn't bring a slew of terminus guards. She was mostly just concerned for the group and wanted to check in on them. She sees everyone in the living room in stages of pain and tiredness due to days without food.

"Are you all alright?" She asks.

"We're hungry!" Beth screams.

"Does Merle share the box of food I leave by the front door each morning, I always see him pick it up."

"That son of a **beep**!" Abraham screams popping up from Michonne's lap.

Lori panics. "Oh no I need the food, I'm eating for two now."

The entire room looks at Lori, all in unison screaming, "what?"

Sasha speaks into her walkie talkie, "code blue...code yellow...dammit all the colors! There's an emergency."


	40. Chapter 40 Gun Fetish

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. **I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'** **

**Warning: No Dixons were harmed in the filming of this production. Kink ahead. Viewer discretion advised.  
**

**Gun Fetish **

A week has passed in the house, and the situation Andrea has created between herself and the Dixons has gotten completely out of control.

Andrea's confessional. "Its hard to choose between traumatizing Daryl and angering Lori by banging her husband. Both options are just so damn gratifying. So today I shall try to entertain both."

"Wait so you're in a love triangle with the Dixons?" Glenn asks from behind the camera.

"Yes for once its not Meesh in a love triangle, its meeee!" Andrea screams with glee.

A camera comes in close on the woman of the hour with her Dixon boys. "If you want my love, one of you will have to kill the other in a fight to the death. The loser's body will be showcased as a monument of our love."

"But he's my brother though. I aint fighting Merle." Daryl shakes his head.

"Fine fine, it would have been nice but if you want to be all selfish." Andrea says in a pissy attitude then walks off.

"Baby brother, did she do the gun thing with you yet?"

"The what thing-"

"Well you in for a surprise tonight." Merle patted his brother on the back as Daryl shrugged and walked to Andrea's room.

Later in the day, Daryl is in bed with Andrea for a little cuddling.

"What the hell is that?" Daryl asks.

With a demon's whisper, Andrea responds. "Its my gun..."

"Why the hell do you have a gun with you in bed-wait, is it strapped onto you. What the **beep**?"

Daryl finally pulls away the covers to see a naked Andrea with a gun strap on. She grabs the base of the gun before pouncing on Daryl and gripping his hair.

"Put my piece in your mouth and squeeze my trigger." Andrea commands as Daryl shakes his head in fear. As Andrea thrusts her gun into Daryl's mouth, she laughs at the gagging noise from her hunter lover. "Shoving guns in someone's face is a secret kink of mine... I'ma blow your brains out and lick it up."

A muffled "What the **beep**" is heard form Daryl's mouth as Andrea reaches for the trigger and pulls. "Woops, I guess I'm shootin' blanks tonight, maybe the next one... " She giggles and Daryl finally shoves her off of him.

"What the **beep** Andrea, you tryn' to kill me-"

"What happened to my Daryl Danger Dixon... your brother loves this game, it's gives us a rush, besides it's not even loaded." Andrea keeps pulling the trigger until a shoot actually fires off and makes them both flinch. Andrea gives the angry Dixon a nervous smile.

Andrea's confessional. "The only other people who know about my gun fetish are Michonne, Merle and Bob. I once asked Bob if I could get a gun surgically attached to my crotch, so I could blow it in people's faces... and pee out of it too, I guess, like a real man's **beep**. He said no... So I had to settle for a strap on... It makes me feel powerful."

As Andrea thrusted her piece against his own, he watched as her firearm bounced up and down before she finally stopped. "Alright Daryl, here comes the fun part." Andrea purred as she drew her claws across his chest before flipping him on his belly, making him even more confused than before.

"I call this one, gun in the buns." She mounted him as he wondered out loud "W-Why you call it that for-oh my gooodddd!" Daryl yelled out, waking almost everyone else out of their sleep, as Andrea screamed along with him in ecstasy. "I-I think I'm gonna blow-"

The next morning, Michonne sighs with relief at the kitchen appliances their captors had left for them. As the smell of her coffee made even cameraman Glenn ask her to pour out a drink, the cheerful samari's whole demeanor changed at the sight of Daryl somewhat limping into the kitchen. As Daryl grasped one of the chairs and slowly drew it out, he lowered himself onto it with a pained expression on his face. Once his butt finally touched the seat, he propelled himself off of it like it was adorned in hot coal. Michonne gently handed Glenn his cup of coffee before speaking to Daryl.

"Daryl... are you ok-"

"My ass is on fire."

"I told you to stop using the poison oak for toilet paper... here, I made some coffee. I'll pour you some." Michonne turned away from Daryl as he opted to just stand at the table instead of sitting.

"Yo friend's a freak Chonne. She nearly killed me last night." Daryl bent down to rest his elbows on the table, despite the pain in his behind. Michonne was about to ask why until she saw Rick and Andrea talking in the living room. As Rick shrugged with a nod, he handed Andrea his rifle. Daryl's whole body stiffened as the blonde looked at him with a smirk and cocked her gun before walking up to Daryl in the kitchen.

"Don't worry my little Dixy, this aint for you, it's for Merle... you're not quite ready yet." She winked before leaving the room.

"Daryl?" Michonne asked as Daryl downed his coffee and went off to find their leader.

"What the hell you keep giving guns to Andrea for?" Daryl shouted at Rick, as the other man backed away from his friend's aggression.

"She said she needed it to blow off some steam and kill walkers... which was weird because it only had two bullets in it-"

"That girl crazy, we were** beep**in and-!"

"What ever goes on behind closed doors is non of my business... unless I deem the situation too dangerous."

"You gotta take her guns away." Daryl pleaded as Rick shock his head. "Everyone has the right to a weapon, it's what this country was founded on, beside if you don't like what she's doing to you, than just break up with her!" Rick charged into the kitchen and leaned against the counter in between Abraham and Michonne.

"Wait, I can do that... but Merle always told me that the woman had to break up wif the man-"

"Your brother lies, it's what he does-let Andrea take his crazy ass instead and drop her." Rick advised as he took a sip of Abraham's coffee and walked off with it.

"Son of a dick." Abraham said to Rick who sat across the counter to eye bang Michonne.

"We're all family here Daryl, if we or Ford, don't feel comfortable about something, it's our job to say so." Rick advised his friend, while never breaking his eye sex with Michonne. With a gulp, Daryl went off to find the gun toting woman, as he hoped that like before, would be shooting blanks.

"Hey Andrea... I, we... I don't want to be with you no more. It's over."

As Daryl waited for her to respond, she finally puts her polished gun aside and looked him dead in the eyes.

"Ok."

"Ok, that's it?" Daryl was completely flabbergasted, that's all it took to make her stop.

"Listen Daryl, when it comes to my men, my guns always come first... even though Meesh keeps taking them away from me... I love my babies and if you can't love em, than we can't be together... besides, I was about to break up with you too... my gun's don't like your **beep**." Andrea was so nonchalant with the break up that Daryl actually felt a bit upset.

As Daryl left her room, he felt a bit used and confused... what should he do now?

"Hey Daryl... are you ok?" Michonne found him alone in the living room as he just sat their, staring at the ceiling.

"I don't even know anymore... it's like the harder I try to be happy, the more hurt I get instead... "

"Well, I'm sure things will work out for the best. How about you go into your room and take a nap to clear your head." Michonne said to him as he sighed and stood up.

"Ok Chonne... you always give the best advice sometimes."

As Daryl finally stopped at his door, he found a large box in front of it. The hunter approached the box with caution.

As Daryl kicked the box, he listened to some rusting inside.

"There's something alive in it, could be walkers... maybe even some terminus guards tryin' to ambush us... I'ma stab it." Before Daryl can strike, something pops up from the box that makes Daryl gasp like a little boy on Christmas.

"Holy **beep**, there's a dog in here-claimed!" Daryl puts his knife away before scooping up the frumpy dog in one hand and pulling out a walker ear necklace, hanging it around the dog's neck. "Oh, yeah... and I think the other box could have food in it... aint that right my sweet little blood hound." Daryl spoke to the dog like a baby before walking off into the house.

Daryl's confessional. "Oh man, I always wanted a dog. We could hunt together, sniff out chicks... hell, we could be an unstoppable team... I'ma name him lil Daryl-because he's a badass, just like me... maybe I can strap a crossbow on his back too." Daryl ruffles the dog's fur as it tries to sniff around the room and bite at the camera cables.

Michonne's confessional. "I just wanted to do something nice for Daryl. I thought he really deserved to have something in his life that gave him nothing buy joy."

A camera follows a serious Merle as he comes into Andrea's bedroom, she assumes he's ready to "lick the gun."

"I aint sharing you with my brother no more Andrea. Its gon' be me and you from now on."

"Merle you're only saying this because Lori left you."

"Yea because I kept falling into your man trap of a **beep**y. We meant to be together blondie."

Andrea shrugs her shoulders. "Ok."


	41. Chapter 41 The Last Name

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**The Last Name **

Rick's confessional. "How the hell did I come here married and now I'm divorced and still alone? Everyone in this group has been hooking up with each other and leaving me out, even though I established this **beep**ing group. Now some red bastard comes out of the blue trying to steel my anchor, my left hand, my future wife...If I lose her I will literally go insane and I will kill him. And it will be all his fault."

Glenn's camera catches Rick storming up to Michonne. "What is your relationship with Ford?"

"What's my last name? Answer that and I'll tell you."

Rick does a small pace around the room lowering his head. "Don't do this to me Michonne, you know nobody knows that-"

"Abraham knows." She replies simply.

"So what, you just telling him thangs behind my back. What else does he know, yo bra size?!"

"Dammit Rick, the only thing you care about is whether I'm in a relationship or not-why do you even care? You don't even know the first thing about me!" And with that the woman walked off as Rick pondered what she had said.

Rick's confessional. "She's right... I can't let her innocent soul confide in Ford any longer. If that bastard can be a spy, why can't I... by the end of today, I'll know EVERYTHING about her!"

The living room camera catches Rick with Carl. "Alright Carl, I know we're not on the best of terms right now-"

"You tried to kill me for food and you made Beth booty pop by a fire pit." Carl sighed as Rick ruffled his hair with forced affection before responding. "That was just to soothe yo soul before we burned it-besides we didn't even go through with it-"

"Yeah, because Michonne saved me and put out the fire my mom started. Both of you are the-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are the spawns of evil and we don't deserve you, you little mistake from below." Rick snapped back as Carl glared at him and tried to walk away.

"Wait Carl, I'm sorry-I need your help... with Michonne." Rick whispered as Carl raised his brow in curiosity. "If you treat your own child like this, I'm afraid of what you'll do to Michonne... so no. Besides I want her with that army guy, he gives me cookies-" Carl smiles.

"Listen here you little reincarnation of Shane, you back stab me one more time and the next house you'll wake up in, will be Garreth's with Wasabi on your pale scrawny legs. You hear me-" Rick screams.

"Oh no, help me Michonne, my dad's being a dick!" Carl yelled in Rick's face making the man cover his son's mouth and look frantically around the room. Seeing the coast was clear, Rick let out a sigh of relief and bent down to look his boy in the eyes.

"Carl... I'm your one and only father-"

"Actually I distinctly remember Merle being my new father... you know, the racist psychopath who married my mom, the woman who shot me in the stomach, you worthless piece of-"

"Stop rehashing old** beep** Carl! I saved you countless times. I may be your leader but I'm your father too... I brought into this world and I can take you out just as easily." Carl backed away from Rick as the man ended his tyranny. "Now son, you gonna help me or not?" Rick pulled Carl along side him, as the boy followed the scary older male. Rick sat Carl on the couch, the boy looked around for any other adults as Rick snapped his fingers, forcing the boy to look at him.

"Now Carl, I need to know some things about your friend Michonne... what's her last name?"

Carl leaned in as if to whisper his answer as Rick waited with bated breath. "Its...**beep** you."

Rick tilted his head dramatically to the left as he touched his gun, but then pried his hand from it with a forced smile. "Carl-"

"Michonne trusted me with her secret and I told her, no I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone-even you!" The boy folded his hands across his chest as Rick let out an over dramatic sigh and massaged his temples.

"Fine... I can respect that... is there ANYTHANG you CAN tell me?" Rick pleaded as Carl, finally feeling a bit of power over his father nodded, giving the man some hope.

"She like sweets."

"And walkers were once living people Carl; everybody knows that!"

"Do you know what kind of sweets?" Carl prodded his father as the man ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Big cat." Carl revealed.

Rick laughed at the irony of it all, since literally everyone in the house associates her with a cat. "Michonne likes a candy called big cat... well aint that sweet."

Carl looked up at his father, in a way he was happy to spend time with him, even more elated that he wanted to know more about Michonne.

"She also likes stale M&amp;M's-" Carl added.

"So she only goes for chocolate... alright. Thanks Carl... and about earlier, I didn't mean the things I said."

"Yeah I know, you never follow through on your threats. That's why we like you as a leader, we can always get **beep** past you without worrying about your dumb consequences."

"You know what, there's a reason I don't like taking you on runs-"

"Yeah, because you get people killed."

"... when I turn, I'm taking you down with me... " As Rick finally walks away from his son, he jots down some information about Michonne and moves on to his next victim. Her best friend.

The camera catches Andrea walking into her room unaware that her _babies_ wouldn't be there. "Ok sweethearts, mommy's home-oh my god!" Andrea looks around her room to find it barren of guns, amo and even holsters... she's been cleaned out. She braces against her door in a state of nausea, the sound of a clicking is heard from another room. "That son of a **beep**!" She barrels towards Rick's door and nearly tares the door off of it's hinges. Rick was there sitting pretty with her guns, most of them were already taken apart.

"Get your filthy hands off of them, do you even know what I do with those things? God dammit Rick, you're gonna give me a **beep**ing yeast infection!" The blonde screams.

"I don't even want to know how that would happen... anyway, I need your help with a certain girl."

"You can't use my babies you twisted little prick!"

"Don't call me prick!" Rick shouts as he angrily slams down her gun at the sound of the nickname Abraham had given him.

"Fine, whatever-what do you want Rick?"

"I need lintel on Michonne... you're her best friend so you've got to know her last name."

"She never told me her last name... hell, in all the time we were together we were eating beans or sleeping in meat lockers... or just talked **beep** about my other group because y'all left me to die."

"Why are you so petty, can't you just let that go?" Rick said as Andrea rolled her eyes and tried to grab one of her guns. "As the leader I am confiscating them until you tell me something about Michonne... how can her best friend not know her last name?" Rick questions as Andrea left the room, leaving Rick wondering why she would give in so easily and abandon her guns. As he finally got up from impatience, the words "Alright baby, I'll handle it" rings in the hallway.

Merle charged into the room followed by Andrea.

"Heard you were messing around with my lady's guns Friendly... now I'll give you one minute to get your sorry, thivn' ass out of here-"

"But it's my room!" Rick said in annoyance as Merle pointed his new little Merle at him. Not only was there a gun attached to Merle's arm, but it was also sporting a blade on the end of the barrel.

"This here is our love child, Merledrea... she'll stab yah, shot yah and with enough force, crack your **bee**ping skull open... so, sheriff, will you reconsider my generous offer and give my woman her **beep**ing guns back 'fore I** beep** your **beep**ing head against the wall!" Merle yelled at the top of his lungs.

"I-I'm, the leader here and you will respect my authority-"

"Bull**beep**, we all know you aint gon' do nothin'." Merle mocked the man as Andrea walked out of his room with her bag of firearms.

Andrea decides to give Rick some information, she doesn't want him coming after her _babies_ again. "Alight, unlike me, Mesh is horrible with firearms... can't hold a big gun to save her life."

Rick writes this down, the only person left, besides Ford, was Michonne's ex and Rick's right hand man, Daryl.

Rick watched as Daryl's new dog brought back yet another walker arm, he looked in worry at the small pile of rotting flesh accumulating the the yard.

"Hey Daryl can I talk to you for a sec?" Rick waited for Daryl to turn around, as Rick did a double take on his friend's smile.

"Sorry man, I didn't see yah, this little's guy's been keeping me busy-aint that right boy?" Daryl groped the nape of the dog's fur with affection as Rick shifted his glace from the hunter to the house. "It was hard after the break up, but Beth let it slip that Chonne was the one who got him for me... I know she still cares about us, but it's still nice to get something physical once and a while, you know?"

Daryl happily spoke to lil Daryl. "Go on boy get the stick this time... crazy son of a **beep**... don't look at me like that, yo mama was a **beep**." Daryl joked as the dog barked and waited for Daryl to throw one of the sticks that he and Beth had gathered for the happy dog.

"So Rick, what you need?"

Rick scratched the back of his head with an uncertain grin before saying "your dog's been gathering up quite the grave yard, when you're done playing with him, you gotta burn the body parts." Rick told the man as he nodded, once again proud to own up to his responsibility.

With a sigh Rick walked away from the man. He couldn't interrogate Daryl, not when he was this happy. Rick comes to his own conclusion about Michonne and wrote down, kindness and understanding-gave Daryl a dog and puts up with my **beep**...

As Rick looked at the list he figured out that Michonne didn't just like sweets, she was sweet, she had bonded with his boy in a way he could not. She can't use a firearm but she is loyal to her friends... she's only human and she still has her limits too. Rick ripped out the paper, he crumbled it up and threw it away, as a pair of ever vigilant eyes watched him from her window.

"Rick." The man turned around at the sound of his name as he nodded at the woman in front of him. "Michonne." He answered back.

"I know what you've been up to-"

"I'm sorry... I messed up again. I just found out what I knew all along... "

"...and what's that?" Now Michonne wanted some confirmation from the man.

"That you're here Michonne, and that's all that matters." Rick reached out to touch her arm, but he drew back his touch with a nod as Michonne smiled and walked up to him, leaning into his ear.

"Fine... I'm glad you're here too, no matter how crazy you can be at times... and I'll tell you what my last name is..." Michonne whispered it into his ear as he nodded with a smile and watched her walk away.

"My last name is Grimes." He answered back making her stop and turn around. "I already know that."

"Yeah well... just encase you want to change your last name to something else... mine is still available." He tried to hit on her as she finally let out a coy smile.

Abraham's confessional. "So how do you feel now that Rick and Michonne seem to be getting together?" Glenn questions from behind the camera.

"Well I wouldn't choose him as a first choice for her, but she's like my little sister so I guess I owe it to her to support her relationship with that prick. Michonne fully supports my relationship With Rosita so..."

Glenn's head swings around his camera. "What? We have no footage of that."

"Or course you don't. Rosita doesn't film our interactions together, plus she knows where all the cameras are in the house. I've been with her since the day I got here."

"She's a traitor to the art of this reality show." Glenn mumbles with detest.

In present time, the footage switches back to the Grimes couple. Michonne moved forward, closing the space between them as Rick slid his arm around her back, drinking in the darkness of her eyes like an euphoric elixir. He had her this entire time, from the moment they met... but now they would take their relationship into it's next step, together. Finally, he could know what truth and happiness tasted like as he lower his lips above hers and-

"Sorry sweetie, but that won't be happening... seeing as Rick will be to busy being the father of my child!" Lori squeezed in between the pair as she coiled her arms around Rick, who tried to push her away, but was frozen at the sight of the lump underneath her shirt.

"What do you think you're doing Lori, that baby is Merle's?"

"I just came back from seeing Bob, who gave me an ultra sound. Merle and I have only been together for a month, I'm almost three months along now...you do the math." Lori said with a smugness that literally made Michonne want to break her hand off on Lori's face.

Lori continued on. "It's time for the real Grimes family to get back together." Lori squealed as Michonne gave Rick a look which cut through him like blade before she walked away from them.


	42. Chapter 42 Rick's Nightmare

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Rick's Nightmare**

The next day Rick can't find Michonne anywhere, he even had to act politely towards Abraham which was such a hard task for Rick, that it lead to him suddenly getting a nose bleed.

Andrea's confessional. "Listen, the only reason most of us even see Michonne is because she allows us to. If you think you can catch her on film, then go ahead, good luck with that."

Glenn feels a weird breeze behind his back then turns around in confusion. "What the hell was that?'

"That was Michonne." Andrea shrugs.

Andrea is in her room with Merle when Rick shows up. Merle jumps back as Andrea grabs a cross and holds it out to Rick, as if his soul was being possessed by the devil right in front of her. "Don't come any closer Grimes." Merle sees Daryl passing by with his dog. "Baby brother, get yo mutt and run! If Rick gets to close to y'all, the dog's a dead **beep**." Daryl picks up his dog who's howling at Rick in fear.

Merle's confessional. "Rick's cursed! That's gotta be what's wrong with him! I've never seen a man loose out on happiness so many times in my life. He got that bad juju. Rick is like a walker, everything he touches dieesss."

A paranoid Merle looks at Rick. "Rick you better rectify this situation before one of us ends up at the end of Michonne's katana. She hurt right now, and none of us can find her."

"What the hell am I supposed to do Merle? It's a complicated situation."

"Well you can hypothetically get rid of the hypothetical problem by hypothetically pushing it down the hypothetical stars."

Andrea nods, "I hypothetically agree."

Andrea then walks up to Rick, she's still pissed that he dismantled most of her guns yesterday, especially since she has no idea how to reassemble them. "You know what Rick? You should have struck when the iron was hot. I heard about the day you hijacked Abe and Meesh's run. You were in a hot and sweaty car with Michonne's unbuttoned shirt and all you did was eye **beep** her and cry about feelings. You disgust me."

"Hows that little burning sensation, Andrea? Its making you rather **beep**y today." Rick taunts.

Suddenly Daryl walks into the room and begins to yell at Rick as well. "Control yo baby mama, she throwing away all my dog's **beep** and replacing it with that Gerber baby **beep**, I nearly feed my dog peas and carrots!"

"Calm down Daryl, I'll talk to her about it-"

"Don't just **beep**ing talk to 'er, do something! Put yo** beep**ing foot down!"

Rick ran off from the hunter and headed downstairs into the kitchen to find it littered with dog food. He approaches Lori, who's throw yet another can of dog food into the trash.

"Lori, you can't trow away all the dog food-Daryl needs it for his pet."

Lori held her bump as she stood up and glared at her ex husband. "Do you know what happened today, I asked my sweet baby boy to give me something to eat, so he whipped me up some dog food!"

"Maybe he just doesn't like you..." Rick whined.

"Also, we can't keep the dog-it's too dangerous for me and my baby-"

Daryl charged into the kitchen, not trusting Rick to be stern enough to handle Lori. "What, no **beep** is gonna take my dog away from me-I'll kill your ass before that happens!"

"Don't yell at me, you're stressing out my baby!" Lori cried out causing Rick to rigorously rub the back of his neck.

Rick sighs. "Alright Lori, I understand you're a bit stress right now... but we can't afford to get rid of the dog or throw out its food."

A still agitated Daryl is relentless in telling Lori what's up. "You touch my pooch and I'll introduce the bastard in yo belly to my hunter's knife." Daryl pulled out his knife as Lori laughed at him. "Is that before or after I make your dog into a knapsack-"

"That's it, both of you separate now! Lori, we need to talk!" Daryl leaves the room with a head nod to Rick that meant it was time for Lori to be handled.

"If you gonna have this baby, we need to make changes in this house... to make you more... _comfortable_. How good are you with climbing up and down the stairs?" Rick asked, thinking about what Merle said earlier.

Lori just ignores him. "I want Michonne and Andrea's room, I want them to move out so we can use it as a nursery. I also need more food for my baby, so I get first pick of everything in the house, the others can have the rest. What else...?"

"You can't take their room Lori-"

"I want that dog out of the house, it, Andrea and that Michonne women can sleep outside... I don't trust them around my bump... hurry up and get it done Rick." Lori waved Rick away from her as she left the kitchen.

Rick looked up to see Daryl watching him from the hallway, shaking his head in disgust, leaving Rick with a feeling of shame. "Me and the pup gon' dig a hole in the backyard... what you choose to do with it is up to you man."

Rick heads down the hall. He stops sensing something. "Michonne...if you can hear me right now. I gotta talk to you." Michonne jumps down from the ceiling and startles him. "What is it?"

"How the hell were you up there?"

Michonne is silent.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do Michonne. I never wanted this to happen."

"This is your responsibility Rick, you have to take care of it." Rick nods his head then blinks and she's vanished.

Merle comes up beside Rick, "what is she though? Maybe she's a figment, maybe all of us going crazy and imagining her. I know I kidnapped her that one time but it could have just been a deer. Oh my god, we all **beep**ing crazy!

Daryl comes into the hall. "Shut up, Michonne's real she just stealthy. Idiots."

"How you know she really real...you cudda just been stabbing your wood into air."

"Cuz I aint stupid like yal. Merle being with Andrea making you dumb. Rick you gotta handle this situation or else Michonne aint gonna reappear again."

Merle searches around the hall. "I feel like one of dem teenage girls in a horror movie just waiting for her to strike, I can't take the suspense! Just **beep**ing come out already woman! I can't take it anymore!"

Daryl shakes his head. "Merle she aint gonna come after you she gon' come after Rick..or Lori."

Merle then feels a breeze past his ear and jumps. "What the hell was that?!"

"That was Michonne." Daryl shrugs.

Merle runs into his room and slams the door shut.

Andrea returns to her bedroom hoping to find her friend. "Meesh?" She whispers then turns around hearing the door slam behind her, but when she looks towards the door, there's no one in sight. Andrea sighs and hears Michonne clearing her throat behind her, jumping Andrea turns around. "Are you ok?"

"I''m fine." Michonne responds.

"Where have you been?"

"Watching..."

"Watching what?"

Michonne is silent then turns around and jumps out of the window.

"Oh my god! Meesh!" Andrea screams rushing towards the window to see Michonne walking across the lawn. "what the hell-oh...its Meesh, I never question how she does things. okay. I'm good." She exhales.

A few hours later, the camera catches Lori doing what she does best. Annoying the group's leader. "Rick you and I are meant to be together and as uneventful as the sex was it produced this baby."

'Lori your delusional. The love died between us a long time ago. I want to be with Michonne. Do you understand that?"

"She's gone! And I'm right here, come on don't you want me?"

"No **beep** I want you." Michonne's voice is heard in the distance as Lori turned around shocked to see her.

Despite looking like she's about to tear Lori's head off, Michonne speaks calmly. "When people think no one's around, they let their guard down. And its funny what I've seen from you Lori."

"You need to face reality Michonne. I won! You should just leave."

Michonne smirks while slowly pulling her katana free of its sheath making Rick nervous. As the samari walks towards Lori Rick's eyes widen. "Michonne don't do this...no matter what happens with the baby-!"

"There wont be a baby." Michonne corrects then Rick screams as Michonne's katana slashes the lump on Lori's stomach. Lori holds her stomach crying as she falls to the ground. "My baby!" Lori screams.

Hearing the commotion, most of the house rushed to the living room. Michonne angrily kicks Lori's hands away from cradling her child less stomach. Looking down Rick raises an eyebrow as Michonne reaches into Lori _womb_ pulling out pillow cushioning. "The only possible father to your _baby_ is bed, bath, and beyond!"

Lori stands. "How does it feel to have the one thing you love the most taken away from you?!" Lori gave Michonne a wicked smile as she untied the ropes keeping the pillow in place, as it fell to her feet.

"You didn't have to do this to get Rick-"

"**Beep** Rick, I'm talking about my hair! You chopped it off and I feel so incomplete-"

"Let me get this straight... you lied to us, tormented Rick, ate off all of our food, and even threatened the dog... because I cut your hair?"

"... you didn't have to do it, you could have cut Andrea's hand off instead of my precious locks. But Noooo, you just had to play favorites and- "

"I was trying to save your life-"

"I aint as weak as Rick, I didn't need you to save me! Only men can save me! How dare you?!"

Rick steps ahead of the group. "Everybody leave the room...Lori you stay behind." Rick turns to Glenn's camera, "Glenn you leave too. I don't want anybody to see this." The camera pans away from Rick and follows everyone walking away from the living room.

As the housemates waited outside the house, the sounds of Rick shouting at Lori echoed past the survivors who trusted their leader to do what he thought was right... but knowing him, they'd probably have to clean up Lori blood from the walls. Michonne is standing with her hands over Carl's ears.

"I'm glad Rick is handlin' his **beep**... but it sounds pretty messy in there. I aint one to judge but... oh **beep**, he's coming out." Daryl whispers as Rick kicked open the door and dragged something rolled up in a rug towards the hole Daryl dug earlier.

"Uh, you need any help brother?" Daryl offered as Rick's wide white eyes pierced through the darkness at his subordinate's, making them nervously look away. As Rick continued to drag the rolled up rug towards the hole, he dropped it near the edge and furiously kicked it down the hole. As Rick walked up to them, everyone somewhat huddled together, just encase he lost it.

"Nobody go near that hole without my say. Now get back to your rooms... it's gonna rain tonight and probably even flood the whole lawn." Rick's whole presence reeked of inhumanity and dominance, making everyone leave but as Michonne left, Rick called out to her.

"Michonne, your bed's still ruined... you gonna sleep in my room tonight." Rick command, making the woman smirk and nod as a sign of gratitude and understanding.

"Rick... what exactly did you put in the hole-"

"Just some bad memories. Tomorrow, I'm gonna bury what's left of that hole and finally move on with you. No more hesitation. No more excuses."


	43. Chapter 43 Sexual Healing

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Sexual Healing **

Daryl lightly pulls on his dog's leash making him stop, as he assesses his slightly limping leader. The weird part was that Rick was clearly in pain, but he also had a wide grin of his face.

"Hey man, you okay?"

"Yeah man, these are happy pains. I feel so **beep**ing alive right now, like I just killed a hundred walkers with a canon! Is this how you felt all that time Daryl? I want to wrestle a **beep**ing bear."

"Oh you were getting it on with Michonne...well you're gonna need the Michonne survival kit. Eight bottles of water, get some energy bars, have some spare bed sheets because you gon' sweat through all of dem, unless you're into that, keep photos of all your loved ones because you will forget who they are, I once thought Merle was a mail man. And most importantly don't slow down, if you do, you might die."

Daryl tries to leave his friend then stops "oh and her safety word is Bill Clinton...its not for her to use its for you. Good luck brother."

Andrea's confessional. "I haven't seen Meesh all day, and I've barely seen Rick. I only saw him once in the kitchen looking out of breath like a dog in august, trapped in boiling nursing home. He was carrying a bowl of chocolates and strawberries, almost bit my head off because I tries to take a strawberry."

Merle's confessional. "You know I'm a man first and a racist second... so when I saw Rick working in his garden shirtless, before Mi-chonne dragged her little cat claws on his back like puss in heat. He dropped that shovel faster than a stripper on Friday, and worked that girl like a..." Merle paused to wipe the sweat off of his nervous and flustered brow. "The only reason I'm in here right now, and not watching their little escapades is because I thought I saw that woman looking back at me for a moment, so I'm hiding in here until I can get back out there and watch the action."

Abraham's confessional. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it. The next person who asks me about Michonne and that noisy prick will die... I mean how many times can two people **beep** each other, I don't even think it's possible for him to last this long... "

Carl is seen wearing shades and earmuffs. His feet were propped up in the table as he read one of his comic books.

"Carl?" Glenn waved his hand in front of the boy catching his attention and making him remove one ear to hear him.

"This is the longest I've seen you in the living room-"

"Michonne told me to stay down here and wear these to block out the sounds... but she didn't tell me why or what sounds she was talking about."

Just then Rick in only his boxers wheels past the couch in Andrea's old wheelchair.

"Dad, what happened?" Carl asked the man who smiled back at his son.

"Michonne and I tried somethang new and I kind of threw my back out, twisted my ankle and just woke up from a mini coma... but once I'm healed up, I'ma do it again. Come hell or high water, I'm gonna take Michonne and-"

"Carl, the ear muffs, use them now!" Glenn warned as Michonne quickly ran up to Rick, dressed only in his t-shirt, and wheeled him away from the boy before he could completely scar him for life, again.

"Carl I love you son, I want you to do whatever makes you happy in life!" Rick yells back as Michonne continues to wheel him away from the living room.

"Michonne I need moooorrreeeee." Rick begs.

"You told me you saw the light, I can't risk killing you. You need some rest."

"NEVER! A wise woman once told me that she was done taking breaks and so am I!"

The camera is filming Andrea and Merle who are peeking through the crack of Rick's bedroom door as he and Michonne are getting it on. Andrea is taking notes while Merle is wishing he wasn't a bigot.

"Merle you see what Rick just did, you think you can do that?" Andrea whispers.

"No Andrea, you need both hands to do that, I aint no gymnast." Merle answers.

"You think you can do that split thing Michonne does?"

"I don't know, its not like I can stop her right now and ask her to teach me."

Rick and Michonne roll out of their sight. "Damn. I can't see then anymore."

"Screw this, just move." Andrea opens the door and snaps five pictures of them then runs. "Merle run, hurry up before they get there clothes back on."

Abraham's confessional. "Rick just held a **beep**ing gun to my head...I thought it was because he hated me, what else is new, but he did it because he really didn't know who I was. He thought I was an intruder."

Andrea's confession. "Merle and I were just minding our own business, looking at the pictures we took of Michonne and Rick doing the deed when all of a sudden Rick comes into the room and asks how Amy was doing. Merle literally had to pull me off him. Then that son of a **beep** looked shocked to see Merle, and asked how he got off the roof?"

Rick looks oddly at Beth as he's passing her in the hall. "Beth I'm glad I found you, tell Hershel we need a few more days in this house, we have to find Sophia."

Daryl's confessional. "I warned Rick this would happen, **beep**ing Michonne has literally made him forget the evils of his past. I told him the loving was good, but he aint listen."

Carl is standing by a guilt ridden Michonne as Rick is starring at his son with uncertainty.

"Dad, stop playing around-"

"Why are you so pale?"

"What?"

"How can you be Michonne's son and be so pale, aint you mixed... where's your melanin?" Rick asked making Carl do a double take. "Well strangers, y'all look like decent folks... I'ma go outside and do my daily patrols... I'm the law around here you know." Rick takes his sheriff hat from Carl before walking outside.

"Oh **beep**, if he's forgetting everything-what if he sees a walker and don't know to kill it?!" Daryl yells as everyone rushes outside to see Rick outside the gate. There's a walker on the ground but Rick just keeps shooting it in the chest.

"The head Rick, shoot it in the head!" Daryl screams.

"But it's a person-" Rick responds with confusion.

"No it aint a **beep**ing person man. It's a walker!" Daryl takes his crossbow and runs over to help Rick by shooting it in the head.

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you." Rick whispers to the walker as Daryl makes Rick cringe by pulling out his bolt and stomping the walker's head in.

Merle comes up with a plan. "You gotta make the sex bad Michonne. If Rick can't stop nailing ya, you gotta give him a reason to stop."

"I don't even know how to make it bad. That's not possible." She responds in concern.

Andrea places a hand on her shoulder. "You gotta pretend you're Lori. Girl you just gotta lie there like a cold dead fish."

"What? No! My body is meant to move, to do tricks, back flips-"

"We knowwwww!" Merle and Andrea say in unison.

"By the way give me your damn camera." Michonne says while snatching the device from Andrea's grasp.

"We need it for research. Merle gets sore from the gun play, we need other options."

"We need to focus on getting Rick back to normal." Michonne demands.

Michonne's confessional. "I tried to just lie there but, the urge to move was too overwhelming. I... I completely dominated Rick and now he's forgot everything. He thinks I'm his wife, he asked me why we needed protection if we were already married. It's like his memories just created a new past for him... he even tried to rename Carl." With a sigh Michonne realized what she had to do. "I have to leave the house for good, to get our leader back... those bad memories made him the man he was-"

Andrea pops her head into Michonne's confessional room. "Meesh, you don't have to do that. I've got a plan."

The camera then shows Rick with an odd device around his neck.

"Andrea what the hell is this?" She asks her friend.

"Its a shock collar, if he touches you, or even mentions sex in anyway. I zap him."

Rick tries to calm a suddenly freaked out Michonne. "Don't worry Michonne it doesn't even work. Now lets go upstairs and I can take off your-ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

"See Meesh, it totally works."

Later that day. As Andrea pressed down on the control button, she demands that Rick answer her question properly.

"Who am I Rick?"

"You are Andrea, the zombie killing queen of this world. And I am your servant Richard."

Andrea points to Merle, "and who's that?"

"He is the king of this new world...and my father? I call him big daddy."

Rick screams as Andrea zaps him. "Its big sugar daddy! You got it wrong again. Now who is he?!"


	44. Chapter 44 You've Got A Friend In Me

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'  
**

**You've Got A Friend In Me  **

While Beth is on her way to the recovery house to see her father, Carl asks to tag along, wanting a visit with Shane. As the two youngsters arrive they separate intending to meet later. Carl finds Shane and is brought into a dance session with him and the rhythm having genius Tyreese.

In the spacious room Shane looks at Carl. "How angry are you? How angry are you at your life right now? When you dance you gotta imagine that the beat is Rick. You gotta beat it to a bloody pulp, you gotta stomp it, kill and destroy." Shane takes a second to rub his head. "Now I can teach you because I've learned from the best, big Teddy Ty T bear Tyreese over there...you see how calm he always is, its because he can krump...and he's a professionally trained ballet and contemporary dancer. I've seen him Penché. Its the most beautiful thing in the world. Be we aint here for beauty, we here for anger."

"Can I just call him Tyreese? I don't know if I can remember all his nicknames." Carl asks.

"They aint nicknames they badges of honor! You will respect him as the dancing genius that he is and say his full name at all times. Carl say it right now!" Shane yells.

"Ummm Big teddy, Tyreese, bear big T...right?"

"That's close enough." Shane says rubbing the back of his head furiously. "Now tell me what pisses you off most in life?!"

"Life-"

"Don't be emo Carl, be more specific!" Shane demands.

"Well even though my dad and Michonne are together... I should feel happy, but-"

"You miss your pathetic father huh-"

"**Beep** no, I miss Michonne!"

"Don't** beep**in' cuss Carl! Now wait here while I get you a tool to improve yo future. Big teddy Ty T bear Tyreese! Bring out his partner."

As Tyreese opens a closet door, a limping walker staggers out towards the startled boy. Carl pulls out his gun but Shane slaps it out of his hands, and points towards the flesh eating monster.

"Look at it Carl, even walkers have rhythm... find the rhythm and krump it back to death."

"You want me to dance for it?!"

"No Carl, I want you to kill it with yo moves! Now dance boy!" Shane walks behind his two large drums and closes his eyes allowing his hands to feel the beat. As the sound echoed around Carl, he had no choice but to sway with the rhythm of the walker, as if to challenge it to a dance off by mimicking it's step.

"Go Carl, GOOOOOO!" Shane shouts opening his eyes.

Carl begins to sway his body as the walker swipes at him. Just as it lunged forward to bite the boy, Carl kicked the monster down.

"River dance! **Beep**ing stomp to the beat! Kill that walker!" Shane yells as Tyreese nods his head and coolly says "feel the flow Carl."

Carl jumps on the walkers chest before crossing his arms behind his back and doing a series of complicated steps, reducing it to mush before sending a final crushing blow to the walker's skull.

"What was the name of that walker Carl?" Shane asks.

"Dad." Carl responds victoriously.

"You aint done yet-next walker!" Shane blows a whistle at the open door, as another walker is attracted to the loud music and the shrill of the whistle.

"Can I krump yet-" Carl asks.

"You not ready! Break dance boy!"

Carl does a head spin, kicking the walker down before doing a hand stand over the walker's head and punching it to death. As the last walker came in, Shane and Tyreese gave Carl the look of approval.

Carl lands back on his feet, he's as light as a feather. He then shoves the walker to the ground, before stopping on its head and screaming at it. "I hate you dad!"

Shane's confessional. "The thing about krumping is you gotta get mad, get angry, you gotta yell. If you never scream the entire time you're doing everything wrong. Its an aggressive dance, it gets all your demons out. Like working out at the gym but for superstars who've got rhythm!

As both walker and boy were lock in a heated dance battle, the walker's slow steps were easily out moved by Carl.

"Finish him!" The men yell in unison. Carl used his fist in a rhythm of angry punches to the walker's gut and face. As Carl bitch slapped the walker, he lets out a powerful tension releasing scream before severing and destroying its head.

As Shane wipes a proud tear from his eye he mutters "I just created a **beep**ing monster. Go on Carl, use the rhythm... use it."

Carl was krumping in the walker's blood and cuts with a look of fire and determination in his eyes. Tyreese nods his head. "He's ready."

Meanwhile Beth finds the Governor looking out his window. As she takes in a sharp breath she tries to sneak past his room, he suddenly appears beside her making her scream and run before her whole world goes dark. As she finally wakes up, she is strapped to a chair and in front of a little pink table with ice tea and mini cakes.

"Where am I, daddy, were are you?" Beth looks around the pink room before her eyes land on the Governor in a blue and white sailor suite.

"Hello there Beth-"

"Whaaaaaaa!"

"No, No, no-shhhhhh!" He covers her mouth as he waits for her to calm down. He looks towards his now closed door to see if anyone would break up his party for two. With a relived sigh, he picks up some cake and cups them over Beth's mouth, force feeding her like a horse.

"It's okay Beth, I'm not going to hurt you. You're my guest!" The Governor sits across from her as he drops a straw in her ice tea. "This is my exclusive party for my special friends! Would you like some tea-I swear this batch isn't poisoned." He jokes.

Beth stays silent as he gives her a wide grin and eats a mini cake. "It's so hard making friends these days... I know you're Hershel's good little girl, so you wont wrong me... like the others." He scowled at the wall, thinking back to Rick and his group who killed his walker daughter, and the producers who threw him out of the house.

Just as Beth was about to call him crazy, she stopped and spoke to the older man in a calm voice. "Governor-"

"Call me Brian! Phillip is dead... like Woodbury... my hopes, oh and that nurse-"

"Brian, why didn't you just invite a friend from the house instead of kidnapping me-"

"This party if for V.I.P's only... OKAY FINE, I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!" The man began sobbing out his tears, moistening the cakes. "I'm so **beep**ing alooone!"

After a long session of weeping, Beth rolled her eyes away from the man and muttered "Okay, I'll be your friend."

Brian smiled before going wide eyed with joy and poking Beth's cheek with affection. "Friend."

"Stop that."

"Soooo, now that we're friends we can do fun stuff together-torture people, rob helpless camps and even attack the house!" Brian suggested as Beth wiggled in her seat.

"Um, that's all well and good but can you at least let me out of this chair?"

"If I let you go, you have to promise me that you wont run away. If you do, I'll cut your legs off and sow them on backwards." He mentioned towards the unfinished dresses and sowing kit he had in the corner of the room.

"You can't do that to your friends. If you want people to like you, you'll have to learn some empathy and humanity. I wont run away from you, I_ trust_ you not to kill me."

Brian went towards his assortment of swords, knives and scalpels. He eyed the sharpest one as he held it near her throat and then cut down on the ropes, freeing her.

"How do I become good?" He was intrigued by her words of wisdom.

"What do you do if someone slaps you on the cheek?"

"Destroy their family and hang them by their entrails." He said proudly.

"No Brian, you offer them the other cheek. Here, let me slap you."

"No..."

"Brian, this will help your humility. Be a good friend and let me slap your face."

With a sigh, the older male leans down and Beth began to rub her hands together in amusement. As she walked back at bit, swiped her feet against the ground like a bull and ran forward slapping the leftover cake out of his mouth. The man winced as Beth's advice came to mind and he turned his head and waited for his punishment.

"Palm or back hand Brian? Which one?" She took in the redness on his face with a feeling of satisfaction.

"B-Back hand?"

Without missing a beat Beth punched him in the face with a closed fist, right in his good eye.

"That was a trick question, you settle for what your friend gives you-YOU MUST NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING!"

"Next we should work on complements... people love being apprenticed. Complement me." She demanded.

"Uh... you have glowing skin... like a ghost?" he said as the girl stood there and suddenly raised her hand to strike him.

"No, uh wait... you uh-"

"I'll go first, I like your eye patch."

"Really? It's made out of black satin silk-"

"No. You look like a creepy pirate and that sailor suite isn't helping either. As your friend I must tell you the truth. But I can also lie to you to make you feel better-now make me feel better."

"When I'm upset, I think about the cold dark places in my mind as my enemies starve to death, while I chain them up like animals and only keep them alive to satisfy my dark twisted desires." He mused.

"Hold on, I have an idea... wait here." Beth leaves the room as the man waits. If she runs and never comes back, he will kill her.

As she dragged in another male his age that he had seen around the house, Brian snared at the man with mistrust. He was one of the people from the main group that rallied against him along side Rick.

"Brain this is Shane, Shane this is Brain. Seeing as you're both power hungry, Rick hating murders I thought you'd have a lot to talk about." Beth waits to see their interaction.

"You hate those **beep**holes too? Those bastards ran me out of that house and killed my baby girl." Brain says still feeling so much angry about it all.

"Yeah I know-but that was all Rick, besides, him and his wife ruined my life too. I saved their lives and they just betrayed me!" Shane replied as Brian smiled and held out his hand for Shane to shake.

"Do you want to have some ice tea with me?" Brian asked, as Shane nodded and said "Only if you like violence and seeking out Rick's destruction as an appetizer?"

They both laughed and began to talk about the housemates and their demise. Beth didn't know if she did the right thing by letting these immoral men become friends, but she wanted to see her man Garreth and she would just deal with the consequences later. If Rick can make crappy decisions that potentially put everyone's lives in danger, why couldn't she?


	45. Chapter 45 She's a Kicker

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Rick was hurt in the making of this production, but he'll be fine... hopefully.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**She's a Kicker**

Producer Sasha narrates. "There were so many physical problems and damage done to the walking dead house, that we needed the group to act like civilized human beings for once and stay out of the way while we made renovations. When we told the group this, Beth and Daryl decided to torch the house. For no good reason. Who burns down a perfectly good house? I was a fire fighter! A burning house that I can't save is like a knife to the heart for me."

Daryl's confessional earlier that day. "We gon' burn this hell hole to the ground. Me and Beth kinda into arson so...its fun. Don't judge us!" He says then runs out as smoke is filling the room.

In the present moment, Sasha takes a deep sigh analyzing the damage before her. "All of you are to stay put until we can set up a new house, until then you'll sleep outside-unless you wanna burn the yard too?" She grimaced at the sight of Beth and Daryl eying the gas cans with a smile.

"Ok crew, create a blockade so these people can't tamper with the wreckage. I'm not putting anything past them." Sasha said completely ignoring the groans of her crew as they got to work.

"So where are we gonna sleep, on the grass and what about food-" Andrea asked as Sasha finally lashed out "YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGH ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU LET THING ONE AND TWO, BURN DOWN THE **BEEP**ING HOUSE!" Sighs exhales, "make a bed out of leaves and branches if you will, I no longer give a **beep**." And with that Sasha hops into a black car that the group watches speed off.

"OK guys its late, lets just pick a spot in the grass and camp out." Michonne says while walking towards Rick but is intercepted by Andrea. "No Meessh, remember you need to stay away from Rick."

Michonne sighs and turns away as Andrea is sitting on the stomach of a passed out Merle, who's had too much smoke inhalation.

Glenn brings his camera to Rick's face. "Time to do your confessional."

"Confessionals are supposed to be private, I aint doing it with everyone watching me."

Glenn sighs, "I drew a square in the dirt, that's your confessional room." Rick gets up and sits in the center of the square. "I hate Beth and Daryl, how can two people be so reckless and stupid!"

Beth and Daryl are starring down at Rick during his_ private_ confessional.

Seeing this, Rick changes the subject. "Michonne and I are going to hunt for some food." Michonne nods and gets up as her and Rick walk off. Andrea packs an additional gun and follows them. "I'm coming with."

As the three are walking through the night, Andrea wedges herself between them as the two keep trying to touch each other.

"Walkers!" Rick yells as Andrea looks down at her hip and pulls her gun free. When she looks around Rick and Michonne are gone. "You aint gon **beep** tonight you two **beep**ers!" A shaky camera closely follows Andrea as she runs screaming into the night.

A gunshot followed by the loud wail of a man is heard. "Michonne, what did she hit, I can't fell my leg-is my **beep** OK?" Rick screams as Michonne checks his leg and yells at Andrea in worry. "You severed a main vain Andrea-Rick, I need to apply more pressure to the wound... so try not to get aroused, the less blood flowing down there, the better. Andrea, you need to tell the group what happened and make one of them find a medic."

"I'm not leaving you guys alone to screw around in his blood."

"He's going to die Andrea, come on!" Michonne says pressing deeper onto Rick's wound as he gives her a pain filled smile.

"Fine, but I'm going to take my time getting there."

"Just go!"

As Andrea walked away, Rick reached out with a blood stained hand and tried to unbutton his pants.

"Maybe you can multitask... one hand on my wound and the other one can go down my pants." Rick suggested. Michonne looked at his pleading stare and tried to weigh the outcome of Rick's possible death, for a few minutes of a hand job. "No, it's too risky."

Merle, who hasn't moved from the ground in an hour, suddenly wakes up covered in mosquito bites. Andrea finally reaches him, and forgets all about helping Rick. "Merle, oh no. My baby's gettin' drained!" She shakes him but he's too weak to move.

"They sucked me dry Andrea. I aint got no blood left." She watches Merle laying on the ground like a log, while Abraham who's cuddling a cold Rosita looks around, "wait where's Rick and Michonne?"

"Oh they were trying to get it on in the woods, so I shot him. He's bleeding out."

"Dammit Andrea are you crazy-wait, I know the answer to that question." Abraham gets up and enlists Daryl to follow him as Rosita sighs and poses while turning her camera on, "I hate working here..." she then runs after the two men with her camera badly angled at their feet.

Abraham and Daryl find a panicked Michonne and a crying Rick, who's in a state of tears wanting a few strokes. "No Rick I can't remove my hands from your wound, stop."

Abraham takes charge, as he and Daryl strip off their weapons and get to work on Rick. "Daryl you make a fire. Michonne, you take his pants off, I'm gonna have to cauterize that wound to stop the bleeding." Abraham takes Michonne's katana and hovers it over Daryl's sudden burst of flames as Michonne is quickly removing Rick's pants.

"I don't want that bastard touching me." Rick whines before Daryl puts a thick squirrel tail in his mouth to bite down on.

"Michonne, Daryl, hold him down, this is gonna hurt." Michonne holds down his left shoulder and leg while Daryl holds down the right. Abraham reaches into his bullet wound, causing massive pain to the group's leader, then as he fishes the bullet out he says, "you're lucky the bullet was still intact now hold still I gotta stop the bleeding." Abe then takes the heated sword and presses it against the wound as Michonne winces at Rick's muffled scream.

Michonne removes her head band and wraps it around Rick's upper thigh.

"Did he pass out?" Daryl asks.

"**Beep** you Abraham" Rick mumbles before passing out.

Michonne's confessional. "Now that Rick understands what shoving fingers into someone's gunshot wound feels like..." Michonne stares off as if remembering an incident from her past. "I'm pretty sure this wont change how immature he is, never mind."

Abraham and Daryl are carrying Rick back to the lawn while Andrea is swatting at Merle's nearly lifeless body with a tree branch. "Get off of him you blood suckers!" She wackes Merle across the face then over his head, hitting him more then swatting away mosquitoes.

"Okay, seeing as Rick is passed out, I will assume the title of new leader." Abraham steps up as Michonne is still trying to wipe the blood from her hands while her lose dreads fall in her face.

Abraham takes off his shirt and rips a large part of the hem off, handing it to her. "Here, use this to tie your hair back. I'm gonna need your expertise."

Andrea walks five inches away from them to begin her confessional. "I can't believe Abe is not only taking Rick's role as leader, but he's got his girl too." She instigates.

Abraham walks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. "I can hear you, you know."

"Get the **Beep** out of my personal space. This is my confessional so mind your business!" She ties to get her gun, but Abraham pulls out a large gun and aims it at her face to stop her.

Andrea shivers and moans at the sight of its massive size. He pulls it away when she tries to lick it. She tuns back to her confessional with her hand still gripping the barrel of the gun. "It's so **beep**ing big and wide, I've never seen something so beautiful before... " Andrea said drooling at the sight of Abraham's large machine gun.

"Fine, I'll follow you, but only so I can pull that sweet thang's trigger." She says in seduction towards his HK-51 assault rifle.

Michonne is cradling an unconscious Rick as mosquitoes are sucking at her sugary blood. She wants to leave and get actual bandages and something to clean Rick's wound. She looks around for Carl but doesn't see him. Abraham comes up to her and crouches down. "what's wrong?"

"Can you stay with him? I need to get him proper bandages." She says looking at him as he nods and sits with Rick.

When Michonne is coming back with antipathetic and clean bandages, she sees Andrea running across the yard towards Rick.

"ANDREA!" Michonne screams and shoves the contents in her hands at Daryl before chasing after Andrea who just kept running after a swift kick to Rick's head. Michonne tackles the blonde to the ground before Abraham yanks her off of Andrea like she was a rag doll. "Dammit Michonne, you don't act like this." Abraham says holding her back.

"Rick's probably got brain damage by now." Michonne screams. "Why would you kick an unconscious man in the head?"

"I didn't even see him." Andrea said in amusement.

"Bull**beep**!"

Andrea's confessional. "So I did a running kick to Rick's head. I didn't mean to get Meesh so upset, I waited until she was gone. I'm just bored and wanted to blow off some stem, and Rick made me waste a bullet."

"You can't be mad at me." Abraham says following a disappointed Michonne.

"You were supposed to be watching him." Michonne scolds.

"I was watching him but then I saw her running towards us and I moved-oh and don't look now but Andrea's making another run towards his head."

Michonne turns around and shouts. "ANDREA!"

At the sound of her voice, Andrea does a complete u-turn and runs off in the opposite direction.

Rick's confessional. "Andrea kicked me in the **beep**ing face for no reason!"

Andrea looks at Rick waiting for an opportunity to kick him again, Merle is covered in ants but she doesn't care. "Rick, I just want you to know that, no matter what anybody tells you, you're not safe." Rick flinches as Andrea mockingly lunged at him.


	46. Chapter 46 Literary Talents

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Literary Talents  
**

Daryl comes into his room at the new house, not knowing his roommate had been changed from his brother Merle, to a different military man.

"What's all this military **beep** on my floor? Merle you going back to the army?"

"keep your hand off other people's property." Abraham says entering the room.

"Then get your **beep** outta my room."

"Cant. we're roommates now."

"What kind of sick joke is this? I want my personal space."

Rick walks into his new bedroom. He expects to share the room with his son, like at the old house but soon finds he also had a new roommate. He already sees someone in the smaller bed beside his and assumes its Carl. "Here son I got you some comics." A hand from under the covers reaches out snatching the books away. Rick raises an eyebrow and pulls the covers back seeing Merle flipping through the pages.

"What are you doing in my son's bed!?"

"Its my bed. We roomies now friendly." Merle's bed is child sized so all his limps are dangling from the small mattress.

While Rick groans in pain, Merle reaches under his little bed and pulls out one of Carl's magazines. Merle walks over to the weak leader and smiles at him.

"What are you doing-" Rick asks.

"Just tryin to help out-let's make peace... besides I don't want to have to sleep wif one eye open."

Rick sighed. "Fine." Merle opened a comic book with one hand, and balanced it on his stomp. After a minute or two of silently reading it, Merle placed the book on Rick's chest and began to read aloud.

"Boom, pow, whoosh!" Merle animated as Rick pouted in annoyance. "What are you doin-"

"Reading-I love to read-"

"Hahaha-" Rick's laugh's were changed into nervous coughs as Merle's dark silent gaze burned into him. "You think that's funny. Yeah I like to read, you think I aint educated like your gal? Maybe I should read to her instead?" Merle got up to leave but Rick stopped him.

"No-um... I just didn't expect that... " Rick felt a little ashamed, for the first time ever and Merle relished in that. "Fine, I'll accept your half assed apology, but only if I can read you to sleep."

"Oh, that's not necessary-"

"This here's a cross over-I aint explaining **beep** to you, so shut up and enjoy." Merle began to read as Rick began to groan. Merle continued to read louder at the sound of Rick's frustrated moaning, Rick finally yelled out a long drown out "Sssttttttooopppppp-"

"Shut up, I'm trying to read to you!"

"Please, just let me sleeeeeppppp" Rick groaned as Merle slapped his wounded leg and began to read louder.

The footage switches back to another set of roommates. Abraham divides the room in two, but its divided very unfairly to Daryl.

"You got the front door on your side and you got the bathroom. How the **beep** am I supposed to get out of here? How I'm supposed to take a **beep**."

"You got a window on your side...go nuts." Abraham plops down on his bed as Daryl tries to leave. The Dixon stops, hearing the cocking of a gun. "Use the window, I don't want your dirty feet on my side of the room-"

"You **beep**in crazy, I could fall to meh death-"

"Bend your damn knees or use a ladder." He taunted as Daryl growled at him and banged the window to annoy the red head, before roughly lifting it open and stepping out.

"Hum, this aint so bad... " Daryl breathed in the fresh air before he began to walk across the slanted roof. He knocks on a random window and waited for it's resident to open up.

Carl pulls his curtains and sees Daryl still tapping on the window. "What are you doing on the roof-"

"I need to take a piss, let me in."

Carl looks back into the room and shakes his head. "Andrea's in there... with her guns. I think she bathes with them-"

"Fine, give me some water then. I got a plan."

Carl moves away from the window while Daryl waits on the ledge needing to relieve himself. The young boy comes back and hands Daryl the bottle of water.

"Alright, you tell me when Abraham is about to leave the house then I'ma cover him in a golden shower. I'ma turn that redhead into a blonde."

Carl shrugs his shoulders "alright." Carl heads downstairs into the yard, he looks up and can see Daryl chugging the bottle of water. Its not Abraham Carl sees heading towards him, but his father Rick. Carl smiles devilishly and looks up at Daryl giving a thumbs up.

"Hey Carl have you seen Merle-ohhhhhh my goddddd!" Rick screams as he's being drenched in hot fluid by a snickering Daryl.

"Its going in my wound! Darylllll!" Rick screams.

"Damn Carl that don't look like no Abraham!" Daryl yells.

Inside Abraham is taking advantage of the newly built gym. He's on the ground rigorously doing push ups and covered in sweat as he's been at this for a while now. Michonne strolls in wearing her spandex shorts and sports bra with her hair up in a ponytail. "Was Rick in here? He needs to exercise that leg."

"He probably got crushed underneath the weights somewhere." Abraham takes in Michonne's attire. "With an outfit like that lifting weights would be the last thing on his mind."

Michonne just shrugs with a smirk. "I need to find Rick. You don't need any help in here right?" She smiled at him.

"Put some weight on my back I need a challenge."

"How heavy do you think I am." She sasses folding her arms.

"I aint calling you a piglet I just need a little bit of weight." He laughs and nods for her to come to him.

Michonne climbs on top of him laying her chest on his back and wraps her arms around his stomach for balance as Abraham's effortlessly resumes his push ups.

Suddenly Daryl and Rick rush past the room, but after a few seconds Daryl comes back with an almost blind Rick, to gawk at Michonne and Abraham.

"What's going on Daryl, I can't see anything-My senses are heightened Daryl. I can smell Michonne and that red headed beast nearby-where are they?!"

"Uh-it's nothin'... I think. Come on we gotta wash the pee out!" Daryl continues to Drag Rick past the open gym room, somewhat thankful that he couldn't see Michonne on top of his arch nemesis. "You gonna git yours Red-"

"Punch him for me Daryl." Rick pleas as Abraham hears Rick's request in the distance and Michonne gets off his back. Daryl sees the large man look towards him. Daryl punches the wall and yells "Yeah, you like that **beep**-now stay down!"

Rick smiles hearing this and Daryl leads him away from the room.

"Uh, what just happened?" Abraham asked as Michonne patted him on the back then handed him a towel before she began to leave. "I'd better check on them. You know Rick and Daryl, they'd lead each other off a cliff if they could." Abraham smiles watching her leave the room in her little outfit.

Daryl is carrying Rick to his room in a hurry before kicking open Merle's door.

The older Dixon hides some papers underneath his pillow before yelling at his brother. "What the hell you doing-?"

"I pissed on Rick from the roof and now he's blind-you gotta help me wash it off of him before it gets into his bullet wound, he's still healing!" Daryl pleaded.

After rolling his eyes, Merle gets up and opened the bathroom door. "What's going on?" Rick whined as Daryl took off his clothes along with his own.

"What are you doing?" Merle sighed as he filled the tub up half way.

"I got some urine on me too, so I'm gonna bath wif him-what, chu got a problem wif that?"

"... just get in the tub... "Merle grumbled as he put a luffa on little Merle and Rick and Daryl got in the water. Daryl squeezed soup on Rick's head, then his own as Merle rigorously scrubbed away at the both of their bodies. Daryl also began to help bath Rick before the door opened and Michonne walked in.

"What you aint never see two dudes take a bath together?!" Daryl yelled with a blush as Rick had water splashed in his face to help clear his eyes.

"I don't have a problem, I just wanted to help-"

"What you know about a bathing buddy? You gonna ruin the dynamic!" Merle teased as Michonne shrugged "It's not like I haven't taken a shower with a guy before, Abe and I used to do it all the time-" she says casually.

"What? You let me out of this **beep**ing tub so I can ring his neck!" Rick yelled before Daryl tried to sooth him with some stokes to his back. "Stop it woman, you upsetting him-can't you see he venerable!'

Michonne's confessional. "Glenn why are you harping on this? It was a few baths after a work out. We're in an apocalypse, we have to conserve water."

"Excuses, excuses Michonne." Glenn says with distrust from behind the camera as Michonne rolled her eyes.

Later the day, a hidden camera catches Andrea with her new roommate Carl. "Hey Carl can you do this?" Andrea says while juggling three guns in her hands as Carl looks on in fear and amusement.

"Guns kill people Andrea, you can't just play with them like toys." He went back to assembling his own gun but stops hearing Andrea laugh.

"Well I didn't hear that boy back at the prison complain when you shot him in the face-lighten up."

Carl rolled his eyes when Andrea began twirling her gun around her finger and aiming it at the door. She repeats the process until Carl finally gives her his full attention.

"Look at this. I'm gonna twirl it, throw it in the air and catch it!" Andrea says before doing so, but her grip slips and the gun fire's off. "I didn't do it!" She yelled just as she heard someone slump against her door. With a worried look, Carl opens the door as Michonne is against it and falls in the room holding her leg wound before Carl cradled her in a worried embrace.

"Dammit Andrea-stop shooting people!" Carl screams as Michonne is still holding the side of her thigh and gets up with Carl's help.

"Please Meesh, don't be mad at Carl. He was only forcing me to do that gun trick."

"She's lying!" Carl yells. Michonne limps closer to Andrea balling her fist. Rosita's camera films as a knocked out Andrea lands on the ground. Michonne's feet steps over her body with a struggling limp, followed by Carl's rushing foot steps following after the Samurai.

The camera follows Michonne into the hall. "Carl, get back in the room. Find all her guns and bury them before she wakes up. Make sure you hide yours too, she can snuff guns out like a bloodhound."

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine." Carl nods and runs back into his room. Michonne begins to wobble from blood loss, as her body slumps against Rick's door, she gives it a week knock before passing out. The cameraman tries to approach her until the door opens and Merle looks around the hallway.

As Merle sees the camera filming him, he quickly looks down and scopes Michonne into his arms before carrying her into him room. The bedroom camera films Merle after he bucks his door shut with his hip, to give him some privacy.

Rick is finally asleep, so Merle shrugs and places Michonne next to him, to asses her wound. He goes over Rick's closet, and rips apart one of Rick's shirts before wrapping a tattered piece around her leg.

After seeing the pair fall asleep on the king sized bed, he waits a few moments before going over to his side of the room and pulling out a few sheets of paper. Like Andrea he had also begun writing literature, but poor Merle was a bit too shy to share it, until now.

"Wake the **beep** up!" Merle screeched, making Rick and Michonne jerk out of their sleep and reach for their non-present weapons by reflex. Rick looks over at Michonne who still had her exercise clothes on, and suddenly remembers that she was supposed to help him exercise his leg, but he fell asleep instead. Rick is instantly alarmed looking at the torn cloth wrapped around her thigh "Michonne-"

"I'm fine Rick... I think Merle saved me." Merle who looked away with a blush.

"Well, I can't just let my woman's friend die... and she shot you so, I don't know-I aint a **beep**in softie okay!"

"No one said that you were Merle, thank you." Rick tried to get up, but Merle grunted in protest and drew out Michonne's sword, holding it above the couple.

"Now neither of you are leaving without payin' meh back fore caring for your lives-now sit the **beep** down... I'ma read you a story." Merle dragged a chair and sat down before Rick and Michonne, as Rick pulled her into a protective embrace.

"Now, I based this off of y'all. It's called, _the lone dark berry on a long white vine_-it's interracial!"

"Merle please." They both begged, but Merle didn't listen as he began to read his fan fiction to them. Despite the racial slurs, over used sex scenes and their out of character natures... the story wasn't that bad. Especially if there was a sword pointed at their heads.

"Did you like it?-I made y'all have a lot of sex in it." Merle gripped her sword as they nodded yes, just to get him to back off.

"...Merle... do you have... fantasies about us or something because-" Michonne said with caution as Merle twiddled his fingers against the tip of his bayonet muttering "Maybe, I mean I've never seen a white and a nig-"

He was cut off by Rick and Michonne's furious stare so he stopped and said "people of different nationalist?"

He continued after they nodded yes. "So I was kind of curious... "

"It's not that big of a deal Merle, sometimes you gotta step outta your box to see the world around you... they're less of us now, so we gotta stick together-no more color, race, whatever-just us- and no more creepy fan fiction." Rick said as Michonne leaned into him a bit.

"Okay... so... can I see you do things to her-" Merle said hoping his story got them hot and bothered enough to do the deed.

"Merle get out." Michonne said uneasily standing up from the bed.

"But I'm a changed man!" He begged in an attempt to see some action.

Rick shuffled out of bed and stood in front of her, albeit slow and still a bit weak on his feet. "Get away from us Merle, I understand you saved us and we're grateful, but I can't let you treat us like this." Rick stumbled as Michonne held his arm to steady his stance. Merle nodded before walking towards the door.

"I can respect that-but your little hero act, it's going straight into the fiction." Merle closed the door on them as the two finally sighed with ease.

Rick looks Michonne up and down. "How many people have seen you in that outfit?"

"I wore it for you."

"Its two rubber bands of fabric Michonne-" Rick over dramatizes.

"Why are you always yelling in my face!?" Michonne screams at him.

Merle comes back into the room. "Stop arguing with each other and start **beep**ing. I aint listening outside the door for meh health. Come on now, I need more material!"

**A/N: Merle did say the only thing he missed about Woodberry was the library.**


	47. Chapter 47 The Birthday Day

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**The Birthday Day**

Rick had gathered everyone into the living room. He's on a mission today to bring the group closer together and celebrate the fact that they're all still kicking and breathing. "Today is everybody's birthday day. There aint no way to know who's birthday has passed or who's birthday's coming up. So all of us are gonna celebrate each other, together."

Rick's confessional. "I'm really doing this because everybody has been real disgruntle towards me for the past couple of weeks and I'm over it."

Rick looks at his son. "Now Carl, you fifteen."

"How do you know that?" Carl asks.

"You fifteen boy." Rick insists.

"I wanna be eighteen." Carl argues.

"Alright then you eighteen, everyone Carl here is a man."

Carl winks at Beth who shakes her head.

"Rick then looks to Michonne. "Michonne you remember how old you are?"

"Thirty three I think, maybe."

"Well now you're twenty-two. Old enough to drink but not to young so that I look like a creep for being with you."

"Rick I"m in my early thirties its fine. You're in your fortifies for goodness sake."

"Well now I'm 20 you cougar." Rick says as Michonne looks half engaged in this hole conversation.

Rick looks to Daryl. "Daryl, how old are you?"

"Twelve." Daryl states happily.

Rick nods his head. "Nobody touch Daryl inappropriately. Andrea you nasty."

Andrea is confused by Rick calling her out. "Michonne had Daryl before me."

"That was before the age regression..." Michonne corrects, "before he turned twelve."

"Wait that makes it even worse...it makes him eleven?"

Michonne shakes her head. "No it makes him the age he was before he decided to be twelve."

Rick points to Abraham who's half asleep. "Abraham you a fetus."

"Well I guess Michonne gotta be my momma."He smiles at Michonne.

"Abraham I can't deal with you being inside me" Michonne jokes.

"You two cut it out! don't joke around like that." Rick yells then directs his attention to Merle.

"Ok so Merle I'm guessing you thirteen since you Daryl's older brother."

"Yeah, I wanna be young, gimmie my youth back." Merle muses.

"Then I'm still a pedophile, that aint right" Andrea announces.

"Andrea why don't you just be thirteen."

"I don't want to be thirteen, I'm a grown ass woman!"

"Well then you like little boys." Rick shrugs. "And stay away from Carl."

"But Carl's eighteen now so..."

"You stay away from me son!" Rick screams at her.

Beth's confessional. "To make sure everybody got a gift for their "birthday," Rick paired everybody off. Each person within the pair was in charge of giving the other person their present. I got Abraham."

As Abraham unwraps his gift he is less then amused by the present. "Oh great a dumbbell, I'll add it to my other-wait a minute this is mine? Your giving me back something you stole from my room?"

"Appreciating what you already have is the true gift." Beth nods as if people are agreeing with her. "What did you get me?" She smiles as Abraham apathetically tosses her gift at her.

"You got me cough drops? What kind of crappy gift is this?"

"I was concerned for your throat you tone deaf banshee."

"A banshee?! My voice is the voice of angels."

"Yea angels descending into hell."

"Shut up Garfield before I slap some lasagna in your face!"

"Why are you two being so rude to one another?" Andrea interjects.

Abe shrugs. "This is how we talk to each other."

Beth nods. "Yea! Mind your own dam business Andrea."

"Okay onto the next gift givers." Rick announces. "I guess the next two are Michonne and Andrea."

Andrea opens up a small box handed to her by Michonne. "What is this, a pebble, on a necklace, Messh?"

"Its from the first moment we met, you were laying down beside it when I saved you from that walker. I went back there and got it for you. Its a memento so that you'll never forget me if something ever happens to either one of us."

Daryl's confessional. "Michonne got a tendency to be all sweet and thoughtful, now the gift I got for Merle gon' make me look all stupid."

"Dammit Meesh you make me feel like **beep** now." She looks around the group. "Let me get five more minuets to change my preset for her."

Daryl shakes his head. "Just give her the damn present Andrea. You had a whole **beep**ing day."

Andrea sighs and regrettably hands over a small bag to Michonne.

Michonne pulls out a half used bottle of lube. "Why am I not surprised, this gift is so...you."

"I used it to see if it works...and it does." She smiles uncomfortably.

Rick clears his throat. "Lets just move onto the next people, That would be Daryl and Merle.

Daryl brings out his gift for Merle and tosses it on the table as Merle sequels like a littler girl. Daryl narrates all the items on the table. "There's some meth, cocaine, and that extacy **beep** you like so much, have at it."

"Thank you baby brother, I thought I'd never see this **beep** again. You owe me dis anyway for throwing out my stash from meh old motorcycle. Here Daryl I got this for you."

Merle hands Daryl a card with the name of a man on it, "what's this?" Daryl asks.

"The name of your real father. Moving on."

Daryl looks down at the paper in anguish. "So my whole life was a lie, you aint my real brother..."

"Half...now stop acting like a little** beep**, that's why I never told you until now."

Daryl starts to cry as Beth pats him on the back to comfort him. "There there Daryl, there there. You're not the only one who's been lied to." She then looks spitefully at Abraham mouthing the word "Washington."

"When we find the cure I aint giving you jack **beep**." Abraham replies.

Rick gets up from his seat. "Alright time for me and Carl, saved the best for last. Carl your growing out of your clothes, so I got you some more appropriate gear."

Carl takes the over sized jacket from his father. "Why does it smell like this?"

"That's the precious smell of life Carl. A life that could be easily extinguished when some** beep** doesn't wanna give up his jacket...and sorry about the blood, he really didn't wanna give up the jacket."

"Rick did you kill a man for his jacket." Michonne asks.

"As a matter of fact I did, I do anythang for Carl, anythang. Daryl introduced me to some men in the forest who had some pretty nice stuff. When a man has a gun to his temple, he'll pretty much give ya anything you want."

Carl thanks his dad then hands Rick a card.

Rick opens his gift from Carl. "Its a five day pass?"

"Yea dad for five days I wont come into your room and interrupt you."

"Carl, you're he best son ever." Rick smiles.

"I'm not going into your room." Michonne inserts.

"What?! We gotta treasure my son's gift Michonne! We gonna use the pass today!"

"We're not talking about this in front of Carl."

"What do you mean?" Carl questions. "Dad told me all you two do in there is high five each other? That's what he said all the slapping noises were."

Carl's confessional. "I asked my dad if I could help him clap with Michonne, then he got all mad and sent me to my room. And then I asked Michonne if I could clap with her and she looked terrified. I don't understand I'm a good clapper, I'll show them one day."

Michonne is in her bedroom, hiding from Rick's libido when Carl comes in with something behind his back. "I know Andrea gave you a crappy present so I got you a better one instead." Carl then pulls out an artful multicolored cat that Michonne thought she'd lost so long ago. Michonne smiles taking the cat from Carl. "Its still so damn gorgeous." She smiles and brings him into an affectionate hug.


	48. Chapter 48 Panic Room

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**Panic Room (Part 1)**_

"Junk, junk, junk... hm, this looks nice." Beth whispered as she held up one of Michonne shirts and pulled it over her head. The girl then picked up her roommate's katana and waved it around. As she swung, the sheath slid off and hit a lamb, breaking it.

"**Beep**." She whispered as she tried to shove the shards underneath Michonne's bed.

Michonne was with Rick today for some weird date he came up with at the last second, leaving Beth alone to wreak some havoc in the room.

Trying out her roommate's things had been a guilty pleasure of hers nowadays. "I bet she hides her best clothes in the closet." Beth giggles as she tries to mimic Michonne and holds her katana while sneaking towards the samari's closet. She readies it and opens the small door before screaming and dropping the sword, scurrying back towards her own bed.

"Hey Beth, guess who came to visit!" Brian snag as he hopped out of the closet and turned back to help his over sized friend stumble out too. As Shane and Brian stood there, scenarios of Michonne and Rick killing her for treason ran through her head.

"What are you doing here-no, you need to get out of here NOW!" Beth grabbed a happy Brian as Shane reached back into the closet and a dirty shadow ran out and rustled underneath Michonne's bed sheets.

"Claimed-"

"No, I saw it first!" Shane kicked Joe square in the face as the other man grinned and pulled him to the floor in a headlock, the men continued to kick each other with glee.

"**Beep**, what the **beep** is that?!" Beth pointed to Joe as Shane elbowed him in the face.

"Funny story-" Shane stared before Joe head butted him and carried the dazed man over towards the bed to claim him too.

Brian cleared his throat and began to speak. "On our way here, we saw him searching through our garbage and took him in. His whole pack was devoured by bitters... poor thing." He drew out his gun and aimed it at the fighting men.

"I'm trying to speak here... now please stop rough housing before I shot your fingers off and force feed them to you in a straw." His suave voice was laced in raw crazy and the two men finally stood up and began to elbow each other in the ribs after Brian turned his back to them.

"Listen... I know you think I care-but I don't. You have to get out of here, what if-DID ANYBODY SEE YOU CAME IN HERE?!" Beth yelled, pointing at Brian in his eye patch.

"Nope, we sneaked in through your window while you and Michonne were sleeping, there was a ladder leading up to the roof-"

"How... Daryl."

She looked at her open window before looking outside. Merle and Andrea were sunbathing naked, making Beth pull her head back in with a disgusted hiss, before slamming the window.

"That house cat smelled really nice." Joe said inhaling the scent from Michonne's pillow before rubbing it on his body. Brian turned around and slapped him across the face, as he chock him out against the wall.

"Only I get to touch Michonne's stuff!" He seethed before letting Joe go, as he slid down the wall like a tired porn star. Shane waltzed towards the door before walking out.

"**BEEEPPPPPPPP**!" Beth screeches before dashing into the hall and trying to pull him back into her room. As she heard foot steps, she began to cry out in frustration and push even harder. "Cut it out Beth, you lucky I don't hit girls-now let go!" Shane pushed her aside before trying to walk towards the stairs.

Beth ran back in before she picked up Michonne's katana and whipped Shane's knees. Beth was completely fed up and stabbed Shane in the ribs before slinging at Joe who also ran out of the room. "Get back-back I say-BAACCCKKK!" Beth swung the sword around like a manic with her eyes closed, making the men sprint back into her room in fear.

"Ow- dammit Beth, what are you doing?!" Daryl screams as she finally opened her eyes.

"You pretending to be Chonne again?" He asked as Joe pulled his head out of the room and growled when he saw Daryl, the traitorous lone wolf.

'Claimed' He mouthed before trying to sneak up behind the man.

"No, get back!" She screamed looking past Daryl at Joe.

"Hey, you the one who attacked me-what the **beep**?!" Beth threw the sword behind Daryl, almost piercing Joe who took it with him back into the room.

"You crazy-"

"Yes I am Daryl. and you'd better stay away from my room too! Or I'll kill you-"

"Dems some fighting words-"

"I will **beep** you up the ass with Michonne's sword!" She tilted her head as Daryl backed off slowly with his crossbow pointed at her.

Beth's quick confessional. "I've got five minutes before one of my housemates removes the chair blocking the door to my room! So to sum it up, like Rick, my decisions have finally come back to bite me in the ass... oh my god, is this how it feels." Beth pulled yet another strand from her head.

Beth ran her hands through her hair as bits of it began to fall out from stress. "I... I'm a good person. I make one **beep**ing mistake and now I have the anti-trio in my room." She whispered. "I understand Rick and Michonne having an arch enemy-but Daryl? Now I know I'm being punished-"

"If those guys are in your room, shouldn't you try to get them out? It's kind of stupid making friends with the enemies of your own group." The camerawoman laughed.

"Help me." Beth begged.

"Sorry, I can't interfere with the housemates-"

"Oh, but you're allowed to judge me? You worthless people lickin' **beep**!" Beth barked back before standing up and running towards the door.

"Hey Beth, you left some of yourself behind." Mary joked as she threw some of Beth's hair back at her. "Oh and I'll tell Garreth about that foul mouth of yours." Mary giggled at Beth, who was in utter distress.

Back in her room, Joe is chewing on Michonne's katana as Brian is rummaging through her clothes and sniffing them. Just as Beth walked back in, he put one of Michonne's bras up under Shane's shirt, to hide it from Beth's view.

"Ok, what did you break, who did you kill-did you leave the room-DID YOU LEAVE THE-"

Beth hears some knocks on her door as Michonne voice rung through the room.

"House cat?" Joe piped up as Brian began to salivate and walk towards the door before pressing his ear against it and knocking, hoping to hear her voice again.

"Is Rick with her?" Shane said a bit too loudly for the almost hyperventilating Beth. She ran to the door and pried it open a bit.

"What's up my best friend in the whole entire world?" Beth smiled at the slightly creeped out woman.

"Um... ok... I need my sword. I heard that you attacked Daryl with it. Is that true?" Michonne crossed her arms looking a little annoyed.

Brian was literally breathing against the side of Beth's throat. She tried to push his head away while keeping eye contact with Michonne. "There was a spider near him... so I tried to cut the thread."

As her roommate pressed her hands against her hips, she tilted her head, and forced a smile on her face. "Beth-"

"It was a black widow."

"Listen, just give me my sword." Michonne said, pressing against the door as Brian hands Beth the sword. Beth stuck it out of the room, as Michonne hesitantly takes it. "How did you get that without moving away from the door-"

"My goodness, stop questioning everything!" Beth hops as Joe licked at the teen's ankle.

"Fine... " Michonne walks away from the door before Beth closes it. Just as she was about to lock it. Brian opens it and yells her name. Michonne looks back at him before he sticks his head back into the room.

Beth begins to pelt him with punches as Michonne kicks down the door, ready to kill. Joe was waiting for her and tackled her towards the ground as she began to struggle. Brain ran over to her and took out a big bandage before slowly putting it on the struggling woman's head, as Shane kicked the door back closed with a victorious battle cry.

"There, that band aid should soothe you for now... it's lavender scented. Now Shane, pass me the sword and if she tries to escape, we will kill everybody else in the house." Brian commands as Michonne was restrained and dragged towards her bed. The men released her near it like an angry cat in a kennel.

"Michonne, I can explain!" Beth cries out. She couldn't believe it... she could just forget about exile, the group was gonna kill her!

"So you're working with psychopaths now?" Michonne said, keeping an eye on all three of the men before her angry gaze fell on Beth.

"I'm a hostage too."

"Hostage? Now Beth, don't you know that you are our leader... you formed our brilliant alliance back at the house over tea and cup cakes-together we shall destroy Rick, Daryl and maybe Michonne... after we've killed everyone else of course... and you will be my new Penny!"

"I want Carl alive... he is my son by dancing right!" Shane gets in Brian's face.

"No, no, no!" Beth began running around in mini circles before Andrea opened the door.

"Why are you yelling... ?" Andrea stopped seeing all of the men and a pouting Michonne on the bed.

"Whatever is going on in here-I want in!" Andrea begins to smile as she held her hands out for Joe and Shane to drag her towards the bed.

"This is so **beep**ing awesome." She holds back a scream of delight, while Michonne and Beth look at her deranged smile.

"Finally, I get kidnapped... so what you gonna do to us?" Andrea asks in her euphoric state of mind, while Brian began examining Michonne's katana with a wicked grin.

"Torture you, hold you hostage for Rick's surrender-"

"Are you gonna have your way with us... make us beg?"

"Andrea!" Michonne yells as Andrea shushes her friend and continues to talk to Brian.

"Or are you gonna claim us as you **beep**s." She said while winking at a blushing Joe.

"You know... that never crossed our minds... do you think that would be a good way to get back at Rick?" Shane asked Brian, who pressed his lips together in thought.

Andrea comes up with a bright idea. "You have all of the women in this house, the men will have no choice but to surrender! Use us to destroy their spirits-" Andrea is cut off by Michonne slapping her across the face.

"Andrea, you deranged idiot-stop using your dirty fantasies to give them ideas!"

"If they're **beep**ing us, they wont have time to kill us... and besides... I've never been properly kidnapped before. You always get all of the men-JUST LET ME HAVE THIS." Michonne was pissed off to the point of killing everyone in the room, while Andrea was just waiting to be victimized.

"Three men, three girls-it's perfect. Shane can have Beth, I get that Joe guy and Michonne and Phillip can have a little one on one action." Andrea smiles as Michonne is giving her extreme Dale face.

Back downstairs, the males of the house felt a bit off.

"Where'd the chicks go?" Merle asked his brother who shrugged.

"Probably painting each others nails." Daryl joked as Abe chimed in.

"Or comparing boobs." The red head said as the Dixon brothers looked intrigued gaping in awe.

"They do that?" Daryl says with a slight blush on his face.

"That would be a sight to see." Merle chucked and tried to get up.

"Come on Merle, leave them be... I think the girls deserve a break from us." Rick said, making the other Dixon shrug and sit back down.

"You know what, lets just sleep in the living room tonight. If the gals can have a sleep over why can't we... we'll call it a guy over." Merle declared as all of the men smiled at the chance, to have some male bonding time... all night long.

After a loud thud is heard from upstairs and some screaming, they rolled their eyes. "**Beep**ing pillow fights I tell yah, tell them to keep it down Daryl." Merle asked as Daryl waked away from the group without his crossbow.

"Fine... but if I don't come back, don't try to find me." He joked with a wink making Rick chuckle with a head shake.

Daryl jogged up the stairs before knocking on the door once and listening for any sounds within the room.

"Michonne... Beth... Andrea!" Daryl shouted as the door creaked open a bit and _Michonne_ said "Oh Daryl, is that you... please come in, I need your help buttoning up my nighty." Brian said in a high pitched voice, in an attempt to mimic Michonne's voice.

With a coy smirk he entered the room as Joe sucker punched him onto the floor of the hallway. The outside cameraman films him being dragged back into the room by his feet and the door being shut.

**Next time on Real World-Walking Dead.**

_"You and your extreme _**_beep_**_ing Stockholm syndrome!" Cried Beth as the other woman tried to ignite some passion with her captor._

_Rick crosses him arms in frustration. "I bet they're mad at us-givin us the silent treatment."_

_Merle nodded "Yeah, we aint goin' up stairs until one of em come down to see us first!"_

_Beth screams as a half unconscious Daryl and Shane are thrown down at her feet._

_Rick and Merle are engaged in a heated duel of rock, paper, scissors._


	49. Chapter 49 The Syndrome

****A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'****

_**Previously on the Real World-Walking Dead.** _  
Rick and Abraham still unaware if the situation upstairs are talking freely amongst themselves.

"Its not that I don't like Daryl, he's my brother, its just that he don't got a mind of his own. I need someone to call me out on my **beep**, not go along with every decision I make, because when I look back on it, I made some pretty stupid decisions and he was right there along with me, doing the same thang if not worse." Rick says.

Abraham just shakes his head at Rick. "There's no pleasing you is there?"

The scene cuts to Merle rushing into the living room, "Who keeps eating my damn toast?! This aint funny no more."

Merle looks at Abe then looks at Rick to see his mouth covered in crumbs as he's trying not to chew.

Abe looks over at Rick and points. "There's you toast right there." Abraham reaches over and slaps Rick on the back, as the leader coughs up crumbs of Merle's precious toast.

"You son of a **beep**!" Merle yells out as he shakes Rick. Rick quickly swallow the rest of the toast before drawing his gun and pointing it at Merle. "I was **beep**ing hungry ok, it popped up like an hour ago and you weren't there-you should be thanking me!" He steps away before dramatically wiping the crumbs from his beard like a mouse.

"You go back in there and make me some more toast-"

"Naw, I don't think I'm gonna do that Merle... make your own and when it's done, remember to get it out of the **beep**in toaster." Rick raved in the redneck's face, as Abraham and looked on in embarrassment.  
_**  
**_

_**The Syndrome (part 2)  
**_

Michonne had been up all night, watching her surroundings like an owl. Hours of stress and sleep deprivation has left Michonne a bit weary. She sits there beside Andrea who both have their wrists bound behind their backs. The only one who can move freely is Beth aka Brian's new Penny. Brian requests that Beth head downstairs to get some food with a warning. "If you alert anyone to what's happening up here, I will kill Andrea."

"Why are you always killing everyone but Michonne. I have nothing against her, but you had a multitude of chances to kill her and you never do." Beth questions.

"Do as I say Penny. I will kill Michonne when the time is right."

Beth huffs and quietly leaves the room stepping over Joe and Shane's slumbering bodies.

Brian looks at Michonne and her tired scowl. "Are you hungry?"

Michonne says nothing while starring him down. "Are you thirsty then? I brought whiskey."

"I'm gonna kill you."

"No your not." Brian says plainly before an annoyed Andrea clears her throat. "Why don't you ask me if I need anything?"

"Because Andrea, you are a means to an end, the only reason you're still alive is to keep Michonne under my thumb. I will kill you if she tries anything."

Beth comes back into the room with a few small juice boxes and other packaged snacks. Brian grabs a juice box from her and moves in closer to Michonne while popping in the straw for her to drink. He puts it towards Michonne's lips as she dully looks at it in disgust.

"Come on Michonne, I can't have you dieing on me... I need you alive." He urges.

Andrea looks at her friend with a grin "Yea Meesh, just part your lips and take what he has to offer-" Andrea was cut off by the man's dark cold eyes on her, making her pipe down and look away.

With a sigh, Michonne took a drink but suddenly stopped. "I can't drink when you're staring at me like that." She says to Brian as he pulls the box away. "If I don't keep my eye on you, you'll probably gouge my other one out." He joked as Joe's sudden loud snoring saved Michonne from his unwavering gaze.

Joe was passed out as he leaned against the wall and used Daryl's body as a cushion. With the dirty old man laying on an unconscious Daryl's back, Andrea right next to her and Beth separated from them on the other bed, she had to play along with Brian's sick game and bide her time, until she could disarm and kill him.

As Beth passed out the juice boxes to their captors, Shane was as wasteful as ever, taking two boxes and downing them before reacting for another. Joe sipped his box like a child before crushing it against Daryl's head and tossing it out of the window above him.

"Sooooo... when are you gonna, you know... reveal yourself to Rick and make your demands known... " Andrea asked as Shane shrugged.

"Um-"

"Did you even plan past hording us in this room?" Michonne asked Brian in astonishment.

"Well at first we were just going to visit Beth, kill Rick and leave... but You showed up, then Andrea and Daryl and... things got out of hand." The Governor admitted.

"Let us go-"

"No! I finally have you Michonne and I'm not letting you go!"

"I have to peeeeee" Andrea whined.

"Fine, Shane escort her to the bathroom and keep an eye on her." Brian demanded as Shane tried to finish off the last juice box.

"No I want Joe with me-**beep** Shane!" Andrea complains.

"You will go with who I assign you with Andrea-"

"I'm over it, I don't want to go anymore."

Brian gets in her face and his hands come together as if to strangle her, but he stops when Beth speaks.

"I kind of need to go too." She admits.

"Shane-"

"I want to go alone-what do you think I'm gonna do, concoct a shampoo bomb and hurl it at your face?!" Beth screams as Brian rubs his temples from the stress.

"Beth, shut up you're giving me a head ache." Michonne mumbled as Brian nodded in agreement.

"We're all tired here, come on Bry take a load off and let me watch the girls." Shane offered as he pulled Beth up and shoved her into Andrea's unwilling arms to make room for the other man on the bed.

"Fine-but don't touch Michonne while I rest-"

"Why would I touch her for?" Shane answers his own question, "because she's with Rick and the mere though of me near her would drive him mad-"

"You can do what you want with the others but not her. If you touch even a hair on her head-I'll kill you-no, if you even speak to her I'll rip your tongue out." Brian warned before closing his one eye and resting on the bed.

"Hmp, I don't see what's so great about you.. kill me my ass." Shane chuckled as he vigorous rubbed his head and walked near Michonne, looking back at Brian. He touched her shoulder as a sleep depraved Michonne yells out. "Don't touch me-"

Brian wakes up. "Didn't I say not to touch her!" Shane was pelted to the ground by Brian, as Michonne and Andrea cringed at the hard blows the bald man was receiving to his body. Joe got up and pulled him away, but Brain kicked Joe into the corner with his inhuman strength.

Shane dragged his body to the bed and grabbed Michonne's arm. "I will kill her right here and now, you crazy son of a-"

Michonne broke free of his grip and swiftly kicked Shane from her as Brian then began to punch him as well, making Joe cry in the corner as they hurt his best friend. Brain was out of breath and hunched over as he looked at Michonne shaking his bruised hand.

"He defied my orders, so I had to punish him-"

"Sure, you can't have your most trusted man killing me without your permission." She said as Brian nodded.

"This doesn't change anything." He confirmed as she looked down at Shane and back at Joe. If she played her cards right, he would end up murdering his own people again.

"Joe, lean Shane's body on top of Daryl's. He's taking up to much space in here." Brian commanded as Joe shock his head following orders.

"I thank you for your cooperation, Joe."

"Ok, ok... just don't kick me again... " Joe whimpered as the Governor finally went to sleep.

With a yawn Andrea began to strip off her clothes. The room is stagnant and she wants to get this party started "What, I'm feeling very hot... and sweaty. Maybe you could came over here and... give me a little bath." She winked at Joe who looks around the room to check if she was talking to anyone else before pointing at himself.

"What about your friends?" Joe pointed over to an annoyed Beth and Michonne as Andrea got up and wrapped her arms around his neck before leaning into his ear.

"**Beep** me and **beep** them later if you want... but I get you first."

Andrea's confessional. Her hair is messy and has bits of saliva in it. "Joe let me go for a minute, I guess I should warn the guys downstairs but this is too fun!"

"But what about your friends sweetie?" Mary asked from behind the camera.

"So, the plan was to seduce Joe and kill him later. One less man to deal with, but the only thing I murdered was his **beep.** And probably my friendship with Michonne... again. So much for vagina warfare."

Michonne and Beth almost threw up as they tried to block out the noise and view of Andrea's naked body riding Joe on the floor.

"Yeah girl, bear me some puppies!"

"Oh **beep, beep** my sweet **beep**ing **beep** Joe, faster!"

"Burn the carpet, burn my eyes-burn everything. Just make it stop!" Beth cried into Michonne's embrace as Daryl momentary woke up and fainted at the sight.

Brian finally woke up and groaned in disgust before rushing into the bathroom. After a few seconds he comes back out and dumps cold water on the pair to make them stop. Joe laps the water form her skin as she continues to ride him. The Governor drags her off and shoves Andrea back on the bed before glaring down at Joe.

"I didn't touch the house cat... just that beauty of a golden retriever." Joe says as Andrea twirls her fingers in her wet hair.

"You're disgusting." Michonne and Brian say in unison, to their sexually charged friends.

Brian decides to take watch while Joe and a still knocked out Shane and Daryl are huddled in a corner. He watches Michonne not taking his eyes off of her, and she doesn't stray from his sight either.

"I'm sorry about your carpet."

"Its ok, she was getting it wet enough already."

They both share an odd laugh. "We have horrible friends." Brian added with a nod from Michonne.

"It didn't have to be this way, you could have been apart of my army...and maybe not of killed Penny."

"She was a walker you understand that right?"

"I know that now. I've come to terms with what has happened and I'm not mad at you."

"Then what is it that you want?"

"You."

"What?"

"Not sexually I just literally can't get you off my mind."

"For a long time I couldn't get you off mine either. I was going to look for you but someone convinced me it was a lost cause."

"And what where you gonna do when you found me?" Brian weirdly grins like a cheshire cat.

"Kill you...someone needed to put an end to your madness."

"Were talking right now so what's stopping you?"

"My wrists are tied behind my back."

"Your a capable woman, I wouldn't expect something like that to stop you."

"This is some **beep**ed up courting you're doing right now and I'm uncomfortable" Beth says.

"Shut up Penny!" Brian yells at her.

"You should untie me." Michonne says with a disturbing flirtation.

"And why would I do that?"

"Don't you wanna see how capable I really am?"

Brian tilts his head giving her a flirtatious grin then leans into her, with his face in inch away from hers, he slowly unties her bound wrist.

She pulls her freed hands up and reaches for his neck before gliding her touch to his shoulders.

"It would be rude of me to kill a man who's already in pain, wouldn't want to put you out of your misery."

Beth who is extremely uncomfortable with the banter before her, desperately needs to leave the room. "Can I do a confessional. I have a lot of feelings right now...um daddy."

"Take Andrea with you." Brian demands while still looking at Michonne.

"Michonne would you like to come with me?" Beth asks hoping to save her from whatever was going on between her and Brian.

"No I'm fine here. I need to keep an eye on the cyclopes."

"But the three of us would have a lot of fun."

"Penny get the **beep** out!" Brian shouts then continues to talk to Michonne.

"I like when you talk, you have a very sexy voice, its cold, dangerous, and seductive just like you."

"I like yours too, its sounds like you got punched in the throat" she strokes his Adam's apple, "right here."

Outside the room, Beth is trying to convince Andrea to warn the men downstairs. With Michonne experiencing some Stockholm syndrome, its up to the wee little Beth to truly tap into her sanity and logic.

"Andrea we have got to tell Rick and the others what's happening."

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Well I kinda cheated on Merle and I don't want him in my face right now. I need him to never find out."

"That's not important we need help, Michonne is sick."

"I'm wearing Joe's shirt right now, I don't want Merle to connect any dots, so I'm not going back down there."

"You can't be this selfish, Michonne's your best friend!"

"You know in this world friendship is good but sometimes a nice **beep** is better. You'll understand when you're older tiny tike. Now Beth I'll have my ears open and if you say anything to Rick and co. while downstairs I'll kill you." She reaches into an unnamed area and pulls out a gun.

"You had a gun this entire time and didn't use it?"

"You can't tell me how to use my gun now go."

Beth's confessional. "To hell with Rick, the group, or taking responsibility for any of this. I've never stuck my neck out for these **beep**ers and I'm not about to start now. I'm not Michonne, I'm not Carol, and I'm not Maggie, but after all this I'm still gon' be here. No regrets. Peace!" She kisses at a peace sigh she forms with her fingers and bolts from her confessional chair. Beth then leaves the house, obviously she will never return again.


	50. Chapter 50 Taking Responsibility

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**_Taking Responsibility (part 3)_**

Andrea alone returns to the room to see Michonne and Brian growing even closer. Brian is behind a moaning Michonne rubbing his hands into her small of her back. Brian looks up, "oh Andrea you're back...where's Penny?"

"I put her back in the closet...so what's going on between you two?"

"Michonne swung at me with her katana and told me she has a pain in her back now, so I'm helping her work out a few kinks."

"Listen, I'm gonna check downstairs too see if the guys are still asleep."

"Yea hurry up and get out" Brian rushes her.

At the male slummer party, the guys are curious about what's going on upstairs, but are also too lazy or wary to investigate. Merle stairs up at the staircase. "One of us should just check on em-"

"Naw, Daryl's fine, he even told us not to disturb him." Rick replies shrugging off the inquiry.

"If you're so damn concerned just check on them and stop complaining!" Abe shouted as he rolled away from the men in a half drunken sleep.

The men had drank, gossiped, and even cried the night away, leaving them too tired to go back to their rooms.

"**Beep** that, I can barely walk in a straight line, I can't make it upstairs." Rick replies.

"Than shut up, I'm trying to sleep." Abe says grumpily.

Andrea ran back to the room after overhearing the men giving up on checking upstairs. She opened her friend's door to see Michonne stoking Brian's back as he cried on her shoulder.

"No... nobody understands... I just wanted a friend... oh Michonne, I didn't want to hate you-u-u-u." He broke down as Michonne looked at Andrea and shewed her back out of the room with a concerned look on her face.

"You're a psychopathy but... aren't we all a bit crazy. You have to be in order to survive in a world like this." She pulled him back and off of her shoulder to look in his eye as he nodded and cupped her face with his hands.

"What are we Michonne... I don't even know who I am anymore!"

"You're alive Brain-"

"No Michonne, call me Phillip... that's the man who you met in Woodbury... the man who's dreams and nightmares were consumed by your gallant grace and... " He pulls away and yanks off his eye patch.

"You did this to me-I should hate you... but I don't... I'm damaged now... "

"I'm sorry... you were trying to kill me-"

"No, don't you ever apologize for staking your claim on life... for fighting back and living... " The Governor began before Michonne traced the outline of his cheek beneath his damaged eye. He watched her every movement as if she were a strange yet rare phenomenon.

Andrea's confessional. "I'm tired of being the only messed up **beep** in the house, little miss perfect needs an indiscretion or two. So I'll sit here and let this thing with Meesh and Brian play out."

"So you purposely left Michonne in there just so you can gloat later? She has Stockholm syndrome, there's no telling what she could be doing with him right now. You have to help her!"

"No Glenn! And don't you interfere either. Michonne's gonna get governed tonight."

Andrea teeters down the hall and knocks on Michonne room before swinging it open. "So how are my happy love birds-oh no." Andrea was met with a still unconscious Daryl and Shane, but no Michonne or Brain.

"I think I **beep**ed up... how the hell could they leave without using the door-Daryl and his stupid ladder!" She raced to Daryl and kicked his passed out form before looking out of the window, to see a car speeding off into the night.

"Hm... maybe I should just fall asleep and let this play out without me... nobody has to know I was even involved."

The blonde saw Daryl stir before looking up at her. "A... Andrea... where's Chonne and Beth-why is Shane on meh-help!" Andrea took a pillow from Beth's bed and placed it over the redneck's face, as his breathing became labored and he passed out again under the weight of Shane's body and the lack of oxygen.

Andrea ran out of the room and found Joe before leading him back into Michonne's room. "Where's Brian and that cat he hated... shouldn't we find em and go-"

"It's too late for that-you gotta hide and if someone finds you, blame everything on Beth!"

Footage switches to the living room. "Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes up. Best two of three." Rick offered as Merle said OK.

After Merle lost miserably and accepted his defeat, he went upstairs and ran into a messy Andrea.

"Oh hey Merle... I know this is kind of random but if you were, oh say the Governor and you had Michonne... where would you take her?" Andrea asked as Daryl stumbled out behind her and began to shout at his brother.

"Andrea tried to kill me and she let the Governor run off with Chonne-git her!" As the Dixons attempted to pursue her, she locked herself in the room with Joe and Shane, completely forgetting to lock the window as she and Joe pressed themselves against the door.

"You can't blame this on me, Michonne and I were trying to please our captors and now Mesh is gone. How come you never came upstairs to check on us?! We were trying to survive while you guys got drunk!"

"What chu mean please yo captors-open this **beep**ing door?!" Merle kicked the door as the others finally came upstairs due to the commotion.

Shane tapped her shoulder as she looked back to see Carl pointing a gun at them from the open window. The three adults put their hands up to surrender. Shane oped to door to revel a very irate Rick before walking out with the others.

"Oh hey Rick... what's up?" She asked innocently while Carl climbed in from the window and shoved a gun in her back.

"Ugh, we really have to destroy that ladder." She mumbled.

Meanwhile Beth was halfway to the recovery house when the headlights of a car flashed against her back. She ducked behind a tree and watched as it passed by her with Brain and Michonne inside. After it passed, she continued her walk with a cheerful whistle. She wasn't getting kidnapped tonight.

As Brain drove the car he steered off the main road and onto a dirt path through the woods. He suddenly stopped and pointed off into the distance.

"That is what's left of Woodbury... after I burned it down..." He admitted before looking over at Michonne's silent form.

She looked back at him while reaching over to touch his slightly wet cheek and trace his cheek bone, then rested her palm on the nape of his neck.

Brain's fear of her had transformed into curiosity laced possession. Taking her hand in his, he stroked it with his thumb in affection. He unlocked the doors and steeped out of the car. Opening the door for her, he led her out and towards an old campsite.

"Is this were you were after you left Woodbury?" She observed to empty patch of dirt and tattered tent.

He opened his tent and motioned for her to go inside. She crouched down before he went in right after and zipped it back up.

Back at the house Rick had Joe, Shane, and Andrea in the living room and labeled them prisoners of war. The group had tied them up and kept them alive, as Daryl was being tended to by a worried Merle and Abe had been sent out to see if there were anymore trespassers in the house.

Rick was still yelling at Andrea instead of looking for Michonne. "You just left her up there with that monster as he did lord knows what to her?!" Rick asked as Andrea pouted.

"Well what about Beth? She just up and left us!"

"So let me get this straight... not only did you conspire with the enemy, but you let Michonne get kidnapped by a man who wants to kill and torture her... just because you wanted to see her slip up?" Rick asked pacing around the room.

"Yup." She said with joy as Carl tried to shoot her with his gun but just tearfully pressed it against her temple while Rick watched on in pure hatred for the blonde.

Even Shane was surprised. "Wow, you're an even worse friend than I am."

Andrea's confessional. "This is all Meesh's fault. She always forgives me for everything that I do. She's too damn nice. Everything that has happened tonight is her fault because she never reprimands me. How will I ever know right from wrong, she never yells at me? She doesn't even yell."

"Are you **beep**ing serious?" Abraham comes into the room after overhearing Andrea's blame filled confessional. "Glenn cut the tape right** beep**ing now!"Abe continues to yell.

In the living room there's a panic to find Michonne. "If she's gone off with the Governor we need someone who knows where he might have taken her...that damn Martinez." Rick says.

"How are you gonna find him?" Daryl asks.

"Sasha, we gotta get Sasha here...we burn this place down to the ground, her firefighter heart will come running." Rick strategizes.

"I don't know man, she seemed pretty pissed about that last time. I aint into pissing off Sasha." Daryl says with caution.

"Daryl you light this place on fire!" Rick yells. "Don't you get it? Michonne is sick and with the **beep**ing GOVERNOR!"

Daryl nods his head and runs off to find some gasoline.

"Why don't we just set off this fire alarm?" Abraham says providing a more logical idea.

Merle then nods and runs off to handle that specific task while Abraham runs to stop Daryl.

Michonne wakes up in the tent and sees that she's now alone. Brian had covered her with a blanket and wrote her a note before creeping off into the night. Picking up the note it read. "We will always have the chase." The note was written in blood and only god knows where he got the paper. She smiles at the note then shakes her head coming to a very fast and very weightful realization.

Brian/Phillip's weird confessional in the woods. "I should of killed her. But I couldn't harm her. I need to find out who I am without my obsession for her. Then maybe one day, I can kill her. One day."

Daryl is outside having finally found some gasoline, he's about to light the place ablaze chucking the dangerous fluid against the front of the house, then suddenly he's surrounded by white foam, he turns around yelling as he sees Sasha outing his mission and distorting his sight. "Why would you do this to me again Daryl?" Sasha screams turning off the extinguisher.

"We needed you back here! dammit."

"I know and I've already sent out a team to find Michonne and Brian."

Sasha's walkie talkie starts to fizzle as Daryl looks on in anticipation. "This is Sasha. Have you found the targets?"

The person on the other end replies. "The targets have been located, but are separated. Michonne is at a camp site and Brian is in pursuit of another mark. Do we apprehend him?"

"Who's the mark in question?"

Brian is skipping through the forest singing a happy tune when he comes across his _Penny_ sluggishly walking in the distance ahead of him. "Penny!" He screams in a rage as Beth turns around. "Oh god please no!" She prays then starts to run. Brian chases her into oblivion. Poor Beth these damn consequences literally keep catching up to her.

**Next time on Real World-Walking Dead**

Michonne is safe and back at the house but embarrassed by recent events of the night. She decides to do what she did last time, find all the tapes in the house and torch them. As Michonne attempts to reach the camera in her bedroom she stops hearing feet swarming behind her. Turning around she sees Lilly with her ever present terminus guards. "No no no, Michonne. We knew you'd do this again. Get down before we shoot you down!"

Michonne rolled her eyes and continues reaching for the overhead camera as the two guards rush towards her. She unsheathes her katana and simultaneously slits both of their throats open. "Dammit Michonne! You know you can get kicked out of the house for killing people."

"Oh those were people? seemed more like vermin to me."

Two more guards show up behind Lilly, "you kill one more person and we will shoot you."

Michonne then proceeded to cut down the additional two terminus guards, slicing one's head clear off before the other is met with her blade through the throat.

Lilly stands there and sighs. "Why do you have to be so difficult? I have more guards then you have swings in you Michonne."

"I can do this all day" the samurai confidently replies as Lilly calls in for more guards.


	51. Chapter 51 Being a Good Sport

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the "Walking Dead" or the "Real World."**

**Being a Good Sport **

"You... you were in the house when the Governor and Shane came over... you're an enemy to us and I need you to get out." Rick demanded as he stared down the smug older man.

"First I gotta tell that boy with the crossbow something... "

"Whatever you gotta tell Daryl, you can tell me too... I'll give em the message."

"Alright Sport."

Rick pressed his lips together in irritation at the sound of yet another horrible nickname. Rick nods towards Michonne, who already had her hand on the base of her katana.

"Calm down house cat, no need to draw your claws on me... " He pulls out a ball of yarn and throws it towards the side. Michonne's eyes darted to the yarn, than back at Joe, then back at the yarn, before her need to play with it, has her running past an approaching Daryl.

"Michonne?" Daryl says scratching his head, while watching her on the floor swatting the ball back and forth between her hands.

"Let her go, the girl's stressed out and in serious need of some nip... hey Daryl I got somethin' to tell ya-"

"Stop beatin' around the damn bush and tell meh so I can go!" Daryl said with a grumpy display.

Joe leans into Daryl's ear before Daryl's face twitched into mistrust and anger. "Naw... you can't be-"

"I came back to claim you, son."

Rick's confessional. Rick pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Can't get rid of Merle, now I gotta let Joe into my group too... this don't feel like my group anymore. Why are all of Daryl's relatives homicidal maniacs." With a sigh, he rubbed his temples. "Strange as it seems, I'm not even surprised."

"**Beep** you, you may be my daddy but you never raised meh! You were never there!" Daryl angrily pointed at random object to make his point.

"It's a long story Daryl... about me and yo mama... I found her in a forest trying to reach a relative's house. We talked and instantly feel in love, but I was a wolf and she was a married woman... I can still remember her** beep** of a grandmother yellin' at us, as I tore her apart after eatin' your mother's sweet biscuits-"

"Man, that's the story o' little red riding hood-you tryin to **beep** wif me, huh?!" Daryl aimed his crossbow at the man before Joe pushed it aside.

"Think about it Daryl... trackin, your ability to use a crossbow, and your hunger for the hunt... where do you think you got them from?"

"A magazine for rednecks." Rick joked as Joe smiled at the sheriff. "No Sport."

Rick's confessional. The leader stares into the camera like he's lost his tolerance for everything and everyone."Every time Joe calls me sport, I wanna rip his throat out...with my teeth. I feel like I could be pushed to do that." He nods.

Rick gave him a 'don't fuck with me' look, as Joe pulled up his own crossbow. Daryl looked at it and began to panic. With a growl he pushed Joe aside and ran off, kicking away Michonne's ball of yarn in the process.

She snapped out of her kitty trance to see the hurt Dixon running away.

"What did I miss?" She asked looking up at Rick and Joe.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle and I enjoy thrill, its what's holding our relationship together. So each day we try something a little more dangerous to spice things up. I don't know what it is but I feel like Merle and I...like we're supposed to be dead already."

A camera comes up to Merle and Andrea seated across from one each other, they're playing the ultimate game of chance. "One bullet, one revolver, one death." Andrea places a single round in the revolver and spins the cylinder. She positions the muzzle against their head. Merle is starring at her like he could screw her on the kitchen table at any second.

"I love you baby" she says to Merle who licks his lips. Andrea shivers with excitement as she pulls the trigger but it doesn't go off. Merle lets out a feverish grunt. "Girl Ima **beep** you so hard tonight."

"Even if I'm dead." She wonders.

"Especially if you dead." He replies.

Andrea moans. "**Beep** you turn me on."

She places the revolver down and slides it to Merle. Merle leans back in his seat starring Andrea dead in the eyes. This is the most turned on Andra has been in her entire life. "I love you sugar **beep**s." Merle places the revolver to his temple as Andrea bites her lip with anticipation. He shoots but the gun doesn't go off and soon the two are on top of the table ripping each others clothes off and sloppily making out.

Andrea and Merle look up as they hear a voice, "well if it isn't my little golden retriever." Joe is starring right at Andrea smirking at recent intimate memories. Merle looks pissed off and confused as Andrea is smiling with unapologetic lust before whispering. "Hey Joe."

"Why's the son of a **beep** that screwed my girl still in this house?"

"What cha gonna do about it ya empty pig sack?" Joe taunts.

Andrea's confessional. "And then the greatest thing happened. A knock down drag out fight between Merle and Joe. And all over me. Man I should have been cheating on Merle from the start, didn't know I could get a show outta him like this."

Daryl hears complete chaos in the room and a camera followed him running to the commotion to see his family fighting on the ground, with Andrea clapping her hands, switching back and forth between who she was rotting for to win.

"Merle! cut it out!" Daryl says practically jumping on his brother's back as Abe came in and restrained Joe. "What the hell's going on in here?" the red head yells.

"They're fighting over me, isn't this great."

"I aint done yet Daryl let me at him."

"Naw that's my **beep**ing father!" Daryl screams as he forced Merle against the wall, but only to keep him away from attacking his dad.

"What? Then your piece of **beep** father slept with my girl!" Merle roared as he's gripping Daryl's arm trying to move him.

Joe kicks over the table in the center of the room and yells at Merle, "you nutless bastard."

"Why you gotta do this in front o' company! Come on dad, cut it out." Daryl pleads.

"Andrea, ya **beep**in' whore, how you gon' sleep with me, my brother, and his** beep**ing father!" Merle yells.

"Yes I've fornicated with the entire male Dixon line. I can finally check this off my bucket list." Andrea gushed as she pulled out a sheet of paper from her shorts and checked off her new achievement.

"Andrea you think you gon' get away with embarrassing me like this, I'll rip your heart out right now, and shove it up yo dirty **beep**y!" Merle said, completely done with Andrea's bad habits.

"Its the end of the world, being in a committed relationship is just stupid. One of us could go out there and die at any minute, you can't be mad at me for taking life by the balls!"

"Andrea stop using that has an excuse to act like a **beep** in heat." Merle shouts.

Merle's confessional. "I'm a better person then when I started out, I'm more mature, I can be the better man. And the batter man aint gon' murder his baby brother's father right in front of em, he gon' wait till his baby brother is asleep, then old pops can have himself a little accident. Good people kill other people in private."

Later that day, Andrea is seen walking around the house before Rick seeks her out. The camera stumbles upon a heated argument between the two. To say that the leader is displeased with Andrea's actions the previous night and today would be an understatement.

Rick's confessional. "I've banished Andrea from the house last night and she's still here causing trouble. She has no respect for my AUTHORITY!"

"The feelings I have for you right now, are beyond hate Andrea, killing you wouldn't be good enough!"

"You've done worse. You are worse." She yells back.

"Nothing that I've done is worse than you purposely leaving Michonne alone with the Governor, in hopes that she'd cheat on me. I'm looking at the devil right now."

"You're a sexiest hypocrite. Women have no real value to you! All that junk about strength in numbers go right out the window, whenever a woman pisses you off."

"That's not true Andrea!"

"You banished Carol and left her alone to fend for herself. You thought it was okay to use Michonne as a bargaining chip. I came back to the prison and you man handled me against a fence, and treated me like a criminal when I was only there to help. And don't even get me started with Lori, you and your passive aggressive** beep** with her, just pissed everyone off!"

"Throwing my past mistakes back in my face isn't gonna do anything to make you look good. Everything that I've done, was for the good of the group, for my son!"

"I am so sick of you using your **beep**ing son as an excuse for why you can act like a **beep**ing asshole!"

Michonne apprehensively comes into the room in the mist of the argument between Rick and Andrea.

"If Amy was alive right now she'd be ashamed of the person you've turned into!" Andrea gasps covering her mouth as Michonne furiously slaps him across the face. Rick holds his cheek looking shocked and betrayed by Michonne.

"You gon' take her side on this?"

"How dare you use her sister's death as a cheep shot! That's disgusting."

"I'm beginning to doubt the integrity of all the women in this group. So tell me Michonne can I trust you or not?"

Rick's confessional. "All these women are out to get me. Michonne's mad because I attacked her "friend." Rosita, Sasha, and Carol are working for the whoever's got us held up in this house, Beth is a evil goblin, and Lori's just a plan liar. I don't even know where Maggie is?"

"Maybe you shouldn't be with a woman you don't trust." Michonne concludes.

"You leave then! Take Andrea with you. That terminus woman behind the camera can go too! And Rosita! you all get the **beep** out..." Rick looks angrily at Andrea, "since I hate women so much!" He ridicules.


	52. Chapter 52 Club Dead

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. **I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' ****

****Warning the censorer and editor of the show took a day off.  
****

**Club Dead**

Sasha had made arrangements for Michonne and Andrea to be set up in another house. Michonne is curled up in bed as Andrea is seen approaching the drained warrior.

"Get up" she says rocking her friend.

"Leave me alone" Michonne groans.

"We're going out, you're gonna see the dead rise tonight."

Michonne turns over looking curiously at the blonde.

"Meesh, I'm taking you somewhere secret. I'm taking you to Club Dead."

A camera follows Andrea as she's literally dragging her friend along with her. They approached a large black building.

An intimidating bouncer with a baseball bat blocked the entrance, his wooden weapon had wire coiled around it.

"What's the fucking password mother fuckers?" He demanded as Andrea shouted "Fuck you!"

"Close enough... but you still need to pay to get the fuck in."

Andrea gave him two cans of beans as he pockets them in a box and steeped aside to let them pass mumbling.

"Enjoy the fucking clubs ladies."

Andrea yanks at a hesitant Michonne and leads the woman down a staircase. Blasting music and lights flashing around assault Michonne's sences, followed by the sight of more survivors than Michonne has seen in years. All dancing around without a care in the world.

"I don't understand where did all these people come from? Where did the music come from? The electricity? There's no way there's a fully functioning club in the apocalypse."

Andrea shrugs "its the end of the world but its also a really strange situation I found a few days ago. Only the cool survivors know about this place, that's why Rick has never found it. You can't talk about Club Dead unless you're in Club Dead, so you see the problem."

Michonne looks up past the flashing strobe lights at caged "walker dancers." The dancing from all the visible fresh meat of the survivors just makes the walkers in the cages go crazier from above, it really creates an atmosphere.

Michonne and Andrea run into Shane destroying the dance floor, in the circle created for him by the party goers. Andrea cheers him on before yelling into Michonne's ear over the music. "Shane's the owner of this club, he's finally found something productive to do other than obsess over Lori and Rick!" Shane sees the two women and approaches them. "Hey Andrea. Michonne you looked stressed, here have a _Bloody Meeka_." Shane hands her a drink but she refuses it.

The lights start to flash on and off in the club, distracting the walkers, but highlighting something even more asinine to the samari's sight. "Pole dancers..." Andrea informs "but they got bitten already, they'll be put down as soon as they drop." The sight of the bleeding and weakly men and women twirling around silver poles, is nothing short of ludicrous to Michonne. "This is dangerous." She says with worry to her friend.

Andrea takes Michonne through the crowd of people dancing with glow sticks and blowing whistles. A majority of them were dripping in sweat after moving their bodies for hours on end.

The blonde goes up to the bartender which happens to be Carol. "Hey girls."

"Hey Carol." Andrea smiles.

"Carol what are you doing here?" Michonne asks.

"Where do you think I went after Rick exiled me?"

Andrea interjects. "two_ Dead Girls_ please, oh and a S_creaming Johnny._"

"What the hell are these names?" Michonne says with confusion.

Andrea makes a nod to Carol that suggests she'd be the one to tell this story.

"Johnny was a guy who use to hit the dance floor pretty hard." She sighs sadly. "Even when the walkers were ripping out his throat, he just keep screaming, he's right over there dancing in that cage." Andrea points as Michonne looks up at the walker.

Andrea raises her glass and yells. "To the loudest most epic death ever! To Johnny!"

Everyone in the club hears this and raises their drinks with cheers "to Johnny" the room chants as Michonne is in utter shock. "None of this can be happening right now." The samari says holding her head.

"Drink a S_creaming Johnny_ before you dump on his memory." Andrea shoves the drink in her face as Michonne takes it and down it. "Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah, so was Johnny." Andrea sighs.

Later on, Andrea is glued to Shane on the dance floor and rather than feeling like a party pooper Michonne heads back to the bar, for another S_creaming Johnny_. Carol gives her a drink before Michonne can even say anything, "I didn't order this," Michonne says.

"No, he did." The woman points to the Governor seated down the bar.

"Oh my god." Michonne angrily groans.

Phillip comes over to her. "Enjoying your drink?"

"I can only wonder what this one is called."

Phillip leans into her ear "Samari vixen."

Michonne breaks the glass against the bar and picks up a shattered piece. "Back the hell away before you loose your last eye."

"You're always on edge. I want you to let loose, have a few _Squirrel Totin' Lunatics_... and dance with me."

Three _Squirrel Totin' Lunatics_ later, Michonne was on the dance floor with Phillip. Andrea was above the crowd spraying the survivors with glitter from a cannon, that was so heavy Shane had to help her hold it up.

Red and blue glitter is raining down on Michonne, who's so into the music and dancing around with her katana, swinging it above her head. Phillip who's getting too close, knocks the samari out of her liquor and song fueled haze. "Get on your knees where you fucking belong." She screams at him.

Phillip drops to his knees thrusting his pelvis back and forth while aggressively fist pumping.

"Open your mouth and suck on my sword" she wickedly demands.

A camera catches Andrea as she's fixing her hair in the bathroom mirror.

Andrea's confessional. "Oh so were gonna do this now? My throat is on fire I can't talk much..." she clears her throat then coughs. "Fucking _CDC explosions_ really burn through the throat. I've had four of them. Anyways, Meesh seams to be having a good time finally, and I'm about to have an even better one. Excuse me." She walks past the camera.

In the middle is the dance floor Sasha is on her knees with her hands together and her eyes closed mumbling.

"Eh, what's she doing?" Shane asks Philip, as the muscular man's body just can't stop grooving.

"She's praying the beat don't kill her." Philip responds.

Shane nods his head, "that's smart because Andrea over there has already been taking over by the devil."

Andrea's eyes are rolled into the back of her head, and she's wildly waving red glow sticks around, and flicking her tongue out of her mouth.

Michonne comes between Phillip and Shane watching Andrea. She plays with her glow stick necklace while drinking her _Apocalypse Baby_. Swirling the drink in her hand she then downs the beverage, "isn't anybody gonna help her?" She says with a slight slur.

Philip looks over at her. "You want a _Dead Penny_?"

"You're okay with a drink named _Dead Penny_?"

"Its how I can remember her. I lost her twice now..." he says in regards to the renamed Beth. "I don't know how anyone could survive a fall like that."

"Beth's dead?" Shane asks spinning on the heels of his shoes.

Phillip thinks for a second then shouts, "everyone, a new drink to another fallen member of the living, here's to the _Screeching Beth_" Everyone roars "_Screeching Beth_!"

Shane wont let Phillip be the only one making speeches, not in his establishment. "There are no enemies in this club, everyone is just a survivor, looking for a good time in this fucked up situation we call the end of the world." Shane announces as the crowd goes even crazier with their cheers. Shane realizes this crowd will cheer for damn near anything. He loves this club.

Phillup leans into Michonne, "you hear that, now would you care for another drink?"

"Stop offering me drinks I'll never be drunk enough to fuck you."

"The thought of your lips taking in something I gave to you, is just to intoxicating to pass up."

"You gross me out."

"How much Michonne?"

Andrea is on the floor being held down as she's throwing up green vomit. Shane sprinkles some of his _Screaming Johnny_ on her face. "I rebuke thee, party demon leave this child so that she may dance again!" Shane chucks his entire _Screaming Johnny_ onto Andrea's face. "I send this demon back to hell, back I say!" Shane screams as Andrea lays gyrating on the floor.

After surviving the hard hitting beat of the music with intense prayer, Sasha runs into a drunk Daryl. "Hey mamma!" He takes a large swig of his drink. "You looking fine-I'ma 'bout to drink you up girl!"

"Daryl I gotta be on the job tomorrow." She informs.

"The only job you gotta be on is me." Sasha just laughs. "Daryl you need to lay off the _Squirrel Totin' Lunatics_, to much of that drink and you wont remember anything from tonight."

Daryl circles around the swaying Sasha then wraps his arm around her neck pulling her face against his. Their close enough to tease each other with the option of a kiss but when Daryl lands his hand on her hip, he quickly pulls back. "Eh, Sasha yo hip is ringing...buzzing, somethin'!'"

Sasha sighs, "damn I gotta go."

"Naw..." he grabs her walkie talkie, "whoever dis is you aint getting Sasha tonight, she on da grind. Let her have some fun!"

Lily's voice echoes from the walkie talkie. "Sasha unless you wanna become Rick's new roommate, I suggest you get to headquarters right now!"

"Ah, she sound like she serious, you better go."

Sasha grabs her walkie talkie, "don't try to kill walkers when you're drunk, sober up and get home safely."

"Whatever you say Ms. Williams." He drunkenly salutes her as she smiles at him before leaving.

Shane gets on near Tyresse behind the DJ booth and the song switches, "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world..." the crowd starts to boo while Shane is nodding his head; this is his jam though.

Daryl screams "Who the hell let the sheriff in charge of the music?" You corny mother fucker!"

Tyresse switches the song from Shane's iconic pop jam. "Alright y'all, this beat is a heavy hitter, if you get a heart attack, alert someone who can put you down before you turn. Lets do this!"

Michonne has Phillip on his knees again because that is where he belongs. As she's swaying her hips, Phillip's hands aims to grab them but doesn't.

"That's right, you don't touch until I tell you to."

"Your so fucking hot right now."

"Fuck you." She smiles back with malice as he stands up against orders. She angrily grabs the back of his neck as he leans into her glossy eyed stare.

"I've never hated someone so much in my life." She seethes.

"There's a thin line between love and hate." He teases.

He grabs her thighs elevating her to his waist, as she wraps her legs around him. "If you kiss me I will kill you."

He doesn't kiss her but bites her bottom lip and pulls it between his teeth.

Daryl staggers past Andrea who's in a pool of her own vomit. "Damn girl, you probably had to many _CDC explosions_, those drink really burns the shit outta da throat!" He screams at her like she can hear him before walking off. Daryl runs into Michonne who's now dancing with Rosita. The two are having a blast and for the first time in a while, he sees Michonne overwhelmingly happy, sure she's drunk as hell but she's having fun and drenched in that annoying glitter.

Dancing with Michonne, Rosita literally has so scream every word, the music is just that loud. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine!"

"But you just stabbed that guy?" Rosita yells while adjusting her cap.

"Trust me he deserved it." Michonne says with an assuring nod.

"I'm heading to the bar to get another _wheezing Patrick_, you want one?"

Michonne nods as Rosita screams, "I'll be right back...don't move okay?"

The warrior woman happily keeps dancing to the ear bleeding techno music, Tyreese was right about the beat, her heart feels like its being kicked around. She looks into the distance and sees a very familiar face, a shit faced Daryl.

"How do you know about this place?" She asked the stumbling redneck.

"I'm surprised you didn't know about this place sooner." He replies.

"Shane owns the club, please don't tell me Rick's here?"

"Naw, not even Merle knows about this place, I come here to get shit faced drunk and flirt with Sasha!"

Michonne smiles, "listen I need to tell you something, I-"

Michonne drops to the ground. "Ah naw, the beat!" Daryl screams.

Rosita comes back to see Michonne on the floor, "Did the beat kill her? Michonne?!" Rosita panics holding up the two drinks she'd gotten.

"This damn beat is a fucking murder!" Daryl yells.

Michonne pops back up and gets back to dancing while Rosita and Daryl watch her in amazement.

"How did you survive the beat-" Daryl questions.

"It's good, I have like five lives left!"

"Fucking cat I knew it."


	53. Chapter 53 Young Casanova

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show The Real World. This is purely for humor and is not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**_Young Casanova_**

Carl comes into the house after an awkward attempt at courting Sophia. He'd managed to separate her from the rest of the baby militia, that was Lizzie and Mika, but the sisters were starring him down as he tried his hardest to have a conversation with the leader of their squad.

Carl's confessional. "I figured I needed some help on what I'm supposed to do to get a girl interested in me. My first thought was to ask Michonne but my dad screwed up again and kicked her and Andrea out of the house. So I went to the next best person, Abraham."

"Hey Abraham how do you get a girl to like you?"

"You see how big and strong I am? Ladies love that. They especially love when your physically strong yet sensitive. I let Glenn punch me down to the ground once, you gotta be strong enough to protect your lady, but fragile in a way that she think she can protect you too. It drives her hormones crazy."

"So I have to work out?"

"And you gotta dress the part. Why you think I wear army pants? I aint hiding from **beep**, camouflage can't mask ya from walkers, no... I'm attracting women. Have them wondering why I'm wearing army pants, I tell them I was in the army, a Sargent, and there like "_Ooooooh I need a big strong man to protect me_." Abraham finishes in a feminine accent.

Abraham and Carl disperse with mutual head nods of understanding. The redhead had to get back to sorting through his M16s. Carl jumps as Merle is suddenly in his face.

"I over heard your conversation wif ol' Sargent cranberry and I'm here to help you get some easy cooter."

"Cooter?"

"-I can't cuss around you boy."

"Does that have something to do with whatever you and Andrea use to do at night? When you thought I was sleeping?"

"Well now you know half the story-and don't bring up that tramp's name ever again."

"So what did you do to make girls like you?"

"Well first you need some money, five dollars, fifty dollars, maybe even a hundred. You go out to a street corner. They'll ask ya if you want a good time, and give you a list of options. Then you pick and choose based on how much money you got. Then you take her home, have some fun then bring her back to the corner...or her pimp. That's how ol' Merle used to get the cooter."

"What if I don't have any money?"

"Well I can tell ya ta never write an IOU. I did that once, her pimp sent some people after meh, threaten to break meh foot. One time they even kidnapped Daryl... I saw him on the corner once painted up like a girl, he didn't wanna talk about it."

Carl leaves Merle then runs into Joe outside barking at the swimming pool on all fours.

"What are you doing?" Carl asks the mangy old man.

"There's a bastard in the water and he's pissing me off, old mutt." Joe mumbles.

"That's your reflection." Carl replies to an apparently offended Joe.

"I'm a wolf-I don't look like no old man. Whenever I try to claim the water he does it the same time as me. The scum!"

Carl shrugs. "Do you have any advice about girls? How to get them?"

"One word, persistence. First you find your target then you follow her where ever she goes, don't let her know you following her, and when you get close enough you go in for the kill."

The boy shakes his head. "I don't know about that."

"The kill is metaphorical. It means you just pounce on her and make sure she don't headbutt ya."

Rick's been in his room crying for the past few days since he kicked Michonne out. He only leaves the room to get food and even then he's eyes are practically falling out of there sockets. He's heading back to his room when Abraham and the Dixon brothers run into him.

The leader starts to yell at the three men, well, he wails. "Usually when I make stupid decisions there's always somebody around to talk me out of it. Andrea did this to me on purpose. She got me alone, got me fired up- she know I'm easily angered. She rigged it so that Michonne would come in the moment I looked like the bad person. I want a redo."

"You don't get redos. As a leader you gotta stand by yo decisions." Daryl enlightens.

"I don't wanna stand by this decision. It was a really bad one this time. I played right into Andrea's evil devil mind and now Michonne and I aren't together any more. And I'm missing half my group. All the damn women are gone."

"Damn right all the women are gone! How you gonna throw out essential members of the team? We supposed to stick together like wet on water." The redheaded male enforces.

Rick points out Rosita who's filming them as she's posing behind her camera. "Why is Rosita still here?"

Rosita sets a hand on her hip. "I work for the boss. You have no say in whether I stay in the house or not." Abraham smiles at his girl.

"I know where Andrea and Michonne are held up, I could take you there, maybe you can apologize." Daryl advises.

Rick shakes his head and heads back upstairs loudly blowing his noise into a tissue. A second or two later they hear his bedroom room slam shut and loud crying afterwards.

Carl comes up to Daryl in the living room, as the hunter is closely examining his crossbow. "Daryl can you help me pick up a chick?"

"First you gotta cup your hands around dem, then you pick em up. You gotta be gentle with em, there all yellow and tiny."

"What?"

"A chick. A chicken right?"

"No a girl."

"Ohhh well that's easy, much easier then picking up a chicken. First you gotta pretend you gay, then asexual, and when they least expect it, you kiss em. They'll be so confused that they'll go along with it. Tell me Carl what chew think my sexual orientation is?"

"I don't know."

"That's the trick. you gotta keep em guessing. That way you're always on their mind."

Daryl's confessional. "Its a damn sausage fest in the house since Rick kicked all the estrogen out. I feel like when I turn around I'm gonna get poked by something I don't wanna be poked by. Feel like I'm sticking my fingers in a tooth pick box instead of cotton balls, or a clam, or just a plain hole...but guys got a hole too-but I don't want that hole...I think. Man why I gotta be questioning this again?"

Glenn looks at Daryl from behind his camera and decides he's finished filming. "Ok we're done here."

"Kiss me Glenn! I needa know."

"Security!" Glenn shouts.

Merle approaches Carl who's sitting alone trying to decipher all the information he'd collected throughout the evening. "Alright I'm gon' teach you about what to do when you git her. Since there aint no more porn ima simulate what you gonna do with my hands...ah wait, Darrrrylll!"

Daryl comes strolling along. "What chew want?"

"I'm making a simulation for Carl, I need you to be the other hand. This is how he gon' handle his business in the bedroom."

"Alright cool I'll be the girl." Daryl says.

"Now Carl, when you with a girl, you two gonna pork. One pump is fine, two pumps are risky, but three pumps are a death sentence. Ya end up with a bratty kid."

Daryl puts a sock over his hand then helps Merle with his sock for the impromptu puppet show. Daryl makes his puppet talk. "Hey there I'm Daisey."

"Hi Daisey wanna make out?"

"No! You a nasty, classless, unsophisticated pig. How dare you try to grace the lips of Daisey." He says in a girl's playful posh accent.

"Durrel you're not supposed to be making this difficult, she supposed to be easy." Merle says in aggravation.

"Daisey aint easy. Ya gotta work if you want..." Daryl strokes his puppet hand "...all this."

"Daryl!" Merle screams.

"**Beep** you." The younger brother flashes his long pretend hair and shimmies his chest a little.

In an act of frustration Merle grabs Daryl's sock puppet as his brother screams in a high pitched tone. "Help me, oh somebody help-call the police. I thought you weren't like this Merle, I thought you could wait!"

"Dammit Daryl, cut it out!"

"You never loved me, you only want me for my body. You're just like all of the other men!" Daryl pulls his hand back and pets it.

"Don't worry Daisey, he wont be hurtin' you no more... I'll take care of you-" Daryl says to his hand puppet switching from playing female to cock blocking his brother.

"You and your childhood trauma is messin' up the demonstration!" Merle shoves Daryl who looks at his sock puppet and decides smother Merle's face with it.

"You like that, huh, you horny bastard!" The younger brother retaliates.

Merle slaps the hand away from his face as Daryl looks on in shock. "You... you hit her."

"I couldn't breath-"

"She's smaller than you and you hurt her!" Daryl cries.

"That was your damn hand-look, I didn't even hit you that hard, you barely got a bruise!" Merle shouted before pulling Daryl's sock off of his hand.

"Ahhhhhh, my clothes, oh my god you monster-DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Daryl reforms back into his sock puppet lady and tucks his hand under his shirt before running away from a frightened Carl and Merle.

"Daryl/Daisey lets just talk about this." Merle runs after his brother and the hidden hand puppet.

"Noooooo! I want a divorce." Daryl screams in Daisey's voice.

Carl sighs and rubs his temples in a similar fashion to his father. "I hate this** beep**ing house."

Not getting a good feeling from the men in the house. Carl makes a trip down the street to see someone he knows can help him. Knocking on Michonne and Andrea's door, Andrea answers. Carl unburdens his trouble onto the blonde who jumps at the chance to try and help him.

"You gotta have something interesting about you like a kink."

"What's a kink?"

Andrea is about to speak but then she stops, "nevermind. MESSSHHH!"

Michonne comes running down the stairs in a hurry pulling out her Katana, already in attack mode. "Carl? Andrea what did you do to him?"

"Nothing! After my exorcism I told you ima better person now." Andrea defends.

Michonne nods her head and sheaths her katana. "Carl what's going on? How are you?"

"I need help getting Sophia to like me. What can I do?"

"Smile at her."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Carl you're an amazing kid, all you have to do is be yourself. You'll smile and talk to her about her day, ask her about her likes. Allow her to get to know who you are as a person."

"But I don't even know who I am anymore."

Andrea shoots up from her seat and starts to shove the boy out the door. "Ok you got your advice now get out, bye bye." she swings the door shut behind him.

"Andrea!" Michonne yells.

"I said I was better not cured. I was holding back a lot of traumatizing **beep** to say to that kid."

Later on in the day Carl is outside the house when he sees Sophia coming towards him. "Hey Carl. Sorry about this morning, Lizzie and Mika get bored when we're behind schedule. You got your gun on you? I brought mine like you asked."

"Yea." Carl smiles and hands Sophia a silencer. "Here, lets go kill some walkers."

"Cool. Thank god I've got some time off before we need to drag Joe out of the house."

"Joe's leaving the house?"

"Yea he's a trespasser he's not supposed to be in the house in the first place."

Carl and Sophia walk off as Rick is watching from the window with a proud tear in his eyes. "My love had to die so that his could flourish."


	54. Chapter 54 legend Of Rickous Grimous

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality show The Real World. This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'The Real World.'**

A/N: Merle's story is written in italics. I'm really into Spartacus (on starz) free promotion. So the epic tale was inspired by that.

_**The legend Of Rickous Grimous**_

Merle's confessional. "I've written my latest work of art, so I invited Mi-chonne, Sasha, and Andrea over to the house for the evenin'. I need everybody around to enjoy meh story."

_A dark skinned woman walks down a golden isle clothed in vibrant orange. The air dances around her gown causing it to flow with each graceful step. Queen Michonne tolerates the kiss of her husband, the all mighty Phillipenis. A tall proud man, with dark voids for eyes and an untruthful smirk._

_"Oh wife." He sighs. "I may have the kiss of your lips, but not the hold of your heart. No, that heart belongs to loosened bowls made flesh, Rickous Grimous, the gladiator."_

_"His breath is the roar to a lion, while yours is the last utter of a dying best slayed by him." The queen replies._

_He strikes at her beauty with the harsh whip of his hand. "You are my queen you will not speak to me in such a way." He grabs her jaw, "AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!"_

_The queen stays stiff, still, and silent, she will not cower for him._

_"I am queen to both swine and men, but sweet husband you are not worthy to be either." Her voice is coiled in hatred._

_"Tonight you will lay with me and I will have my heir. You do this..." he examines her face cruelly, "you make me mar such a beauty."_

The entire group is listening intensely. Pleasantly surprised, Sasha voices some praise. "Merle your story is off to a really captivating start."

"Is it Sasha? Because I'm getting beaten, threatened, and I'm married to the Governor." Michonne says with annoyance.

"I'm glad you like it Sasha." Merle says then glares at Michonne before he flips to his next page.

_Hidden beneath a large black cloak, queen Michonne sneaks down into the dungeons. She approaches Rickous Grimous's cell and gently strokes at the worn down bars between them, bars that separate their love._

_"Blood of my veins" the queen whispers._

_"Beat of my heart" the gladiator replies._

_Darylcuss who's a cell away sighs. "This be a damn romance scroll."_

_"Are you hurt, has he laid harsh touch upon your skin?" Rickous Grimous worries._

_"Such matters do not warrant your concern...Phillipenis will see that you die in the arena tonight."_

_"I wish to have him part from this world, and your shoulders free of the burden he places upon them." He says, eyes flooded with love._

_"Do not look at me in such a way" she scolds._

_"Why must you grab my heart and clench it till its absent life? Do you not desire to hear it beating against your chest?"_

_"I must prepare myself, for if you leave this world without me I shall become a hardened woman. My heart will turn to soot and become poison to my very existence."_

_"If I die in the arena, know that the last word upon my lips shall be your name."_

Abraham sniffles. "Damn this is heavy."

Rick nods his head clutching his pillow for comfort.

_A lousy woman with straw spun locks and light heartless eyes, dances along the cells to fulfill the needs of any gladiator, who's faced with the uncertainty of survival in the area._

_"Which one of you fine gladiators shall suck on my teat? I will give you no more then a simple drop of mother's milk. Merleous shall you be a lustful babe at my chest?"_

_Merleous is non to pleased by the sight of the lemon flavored succubus. "Countless men have died after tasting your cretinous drop, I shall send my dick to Tartarus before gracing your rancid cave with its presence."_

_Unable to fulfill her duties, she fades into the darkness, begging for another suitor to give her life meaning." _

"Why am I a whore in this?" Andrea screams cutting Merle off.

"You not just a whore you a slave. you a whore-slave."

"This is a vile interpretation of woman in your story." She replies.

"This is an accurate interpretation of you! Don't bring all women into this. Michonne is a strong Nubian queen, now let me get back to my damn story."

_Phillipenis and queen Michonne are seated high above the pit of the arena. Michonne clenches her jaw at the roaring of the crowd chanting for death and carnage. Phillipenis looks to his stoic queen._

_"You loved me once."_

_"Did I?"_

_"Absent love, your gladiator will fall and you will bear my heirs. I suspect they shall be beautiful, as our love once was." He than places his hand on hers but she yanks it away._

_"Shall I show you mercy again my queen?" He threatens to her unflinching gaze._

_Phillipenis raises his hand out at the area, signaling for his guards to unleash the first two opponents. Two gladiators stumble out of darkness to face one another in the cold blooded death match._

_Merleous's spear gleams in the light of the sun, as he rears his head back at their ruler in fury. His opponent was none other than his brother, Darylcuss._

_"I will not fix hands nor weapon to destroy blood of my own!" Merleous screams out as the crowd grows louder with blood lust. A high thumb is raised in the air before turned upside down forcing the brothers to begin. The guards ready their spares. If the brothers do not fight they will both be slaughtered without honor. Darylcuss prods his brother gently with the tip of his sword._

_Phillipenis is not satisfied with the child's play before him and wants a massacre. "Kill or be killed, blood shall be spelt today, by your hand or mine. Choose!" Phillipenis demands of the older brother._

_"I shall sooth his pallet with the blood of my flesh, so that you may live on Merleous-" Darylcuss shouts towards his beloved brother then pierces his all mighty arrow through his own sacrificial heart._

_Tears fill his brother's eyes, as the clear diamonds roll against his check. Merleous falls to his knees and trows his weapon towards the sun stained earth._

_"Daaarrryyylllcuuussss!" Merleous fumbles over towards his brother as the guards look towards their rulers. Phillipenis's face is laced with a poisonous smile._

_Merleous cradles his dying brother before a spear pierces Merleous' ribs at the call of their ruler. Spars rain down upon the two brothers as time slows and the two siblings are showered in one another's blood._

_"May... may our souls return back home to our birth place... I shall see you in... RedNeckia." Merleous whispers with blood kissed lips as he dies above his brother._

_Queen Michonne lets out a sigh of boredom before Phillipenis signals for his guards to drag the bodies away._

"Just like Daryl sacrificing himself for others." Rick snorts sadly.

"But my brother still died though. Like if they wanted blood they could have just taken it from me, why they gotta kill my brother too? I sacrificed myself for nothing?"

Abraham explains to Daryl. "When evil people try to kill your friends they don't care if you sacrifice yourself. They gonna watch you die then kill everyone off anyway. Comprende?"

"Dammit y'all stop interrupting the story, I already had to skip all the sex scenes cuz damn Carl's in the room."

"I can listen to it I don't mind." Carl shrugs.

"You wanna hear about how you mamma and daddy do it? Ya pig!" Merle points shaming Carl.

"What else do they do besides kiss I don't get it?" Carl asks.

"Well Rickous Grimous rips off queen Michonne's cloak, she aint got nothing on underneath then he grabs her against the bars and inserts two fingers into her-"

"Merle!" Michonne shouts cutting him off as Rick throws a pillow at him.

"You will not corrupt my son's innocence. He barely got any left." Rick yells.

"I was giving him the cliff notes version! Anyways I'll get to the main event."

_Rickous Grimous comes out to the center of the area. He's pelted with dung but stands strong before his queen who rises from her seat breathless at the sight of her lover. "Shall my heart know no happiness...why must the Gods curse me so?" Phillipenis rises from his seat and grabs the hand of his dark beauty, antagonizing the gladiator._

_Rickous Grimous grips his long spear in furry, and with great aim sends the sharp weapon soaring across the sky. Phillipenis' sways from direct danger, but not quickly enough as it dashes across his face, and his not so mighty left eyes is left dangling from its socket._

Michonne holds her stomach belting out in laughter as does Rick, Carl, and Andrea. This is all to hilarious for them.

"That was supposed to be sad." Merle sulks.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry continue." Michonne says as Merle gets back into the story.

_ The evil ruler vibrates with rage, the dangling eye swinging with ferocity. "This man has struck your emperor, and pried himself between the legs of your willing queen-"_

"Wait did he just out me in front the entire arena?" Michonne asks.

Daryl picks his nails. "If that were me, I wouldn't tell everybody that there was somebody else banging my wife. He needs to clam his **beep** down."

"Dammit you just broke up the intensity, I can't reach the climax if y'all keep on interrupting me!"

_"Abrahamous the red doom from the fiery pits of hell-"_

"Why are y'all always equating me to the devil? Like are y'all racist against redheads or did I do something wrong?"

"**Beep**ing demon" Rick mumbles.

Merle clears his throat. "Please y'all gotta let me finish this story."

_The mountainous beast adorned with the pelt of a reddened bear and metal claws stands towering over the pint sized gladiator Rickous Grimous. Rickous Fearlessly holds up his fists since he stupidly through his spear at Phillipenis._

_"You've sent the blood bear against him?" The queen questions in outrage. "You've shammed me isn't that enough?"_

_"When this is all done I shall serve you his blood as wine. So you may feel him inside you one last time."_

_"I would rather drink his blood to feel him once more then to stand the sight of your eyes upon me."_

"More like eye, but..." Daryl cuts in.

"Daryl! God dammit!" Merle shouts.

_The queen is furious but poised as she stares down at her lover, the breeze blowing her dreads in slow motion as a fearsome gasp escapes her lips seeing the giant preparing to face against her heart's desire._

_As the satanic creation that is Abrahamous strikes, he claws at Rickous's Grimous. The smaller gladiator screams in pain as three red gashes mar his exposed chest. Queen Michonne is beside herself, but she thinks quickly and rushes by her power crazed husband to grab the spear. She throws it into the arena. It lands firmly into the sand._

_The man in love looks up at his savior before rolling between the wide space of his giant red opponent's legs. He grabs his returned weapon and roars piercing it through the giant's back. Bright red blood dashes against Rickous Grimous's face and chest, the queen's gown explodes off her body from the sight of rushing blood against her lover's body._

Michonne gets up and walks away.

"Dammit Michonne you gotta be here for the ending." Merle says watching her walk off.

_Phillipenis is in the arena with Rickous Grimous. He finds it suitable for an emperor of his caliber to strike the gladiator down, it would shattered his wife's heart as an added delight. Rickous is punched, slammed, and kick around like a rag doll in hand to hand combat with the raged ruler. The fight is unfair, Rickous, is tired and weakened and Michonne no longer in his sights, his own blood has blinded him._

_"You will die by my hands! Hades himself will part your cheeks for further ramming, whilst in the underworld!" Phillipenis then grabs Rickous Grimous by the throat and suffocates him. Breath after breath is shorter as Rickous utters his last word "Michonne." In his weakened state, he clings to life, his fingers are numb but fate guides his hand to feel for a dagger hidden on the hip of his soon to be victor. He grips the dagger and plunges it into Phillipenis's throat with a lion's roar. Rickous Grimous is once again clothed in rich red blood.  
_

"Ahhhh! Hell **beep**ing yea! Rick you don won!" Daryl says cheering.

"Do I end up with the queen? Come on Merle finish." Rick rushes.

_The guards part for their queen as she happily sees her beloved. She flows like a dream, re-dressed in white, as the battered gladiator weakly rises to his feet. But then his heart stops at the sight of her hands grasping at her bloodied chest, soaking white fabric against skin in deep dark red. Queen Michonne's body descends._

_"Nooooooo!" Rickous Grimous screams to see the golden haired whore, knife in hand, while the good queen lay dying on the blood soaked sands of the arena pit. Rickous rushes towards Michonne on the ground and cries cradling her within his arms. "Why would you do this?" Rickous Grimous screams at the sickening sight of the yellow haired piss of a human being above him._

_"I am a lecherous demon from the seed soaked graves of hell. I am neither woman nor mortal, but a plague here to destroy the truest love among the earth."_

_Michonne's blood covered lips part to speak as Rickous Grimous holds her near. "The last words upon my lips..." she lets out a faint sigh. "Rickous Gri..." her last drying breath would not let her finish such a phrase. The golden haired whore vanishes within the air, leaving a pile of semen in her absence. Rickous Grimous lifts his queen's body in his arms and carries her through the arena, as pure white flower petals showers him from the Queen's people who were all weeping at her loss._

Rick, Abraham, and even Daryl are crying the manliest tears they can muster, as Andrea is sitting there looking confused. "You literally had me stab Meesh in the back, and kill her. And I aint a pile of semen you piece of **beep**!"

"Its literal and metaphorical. I told you it was an accurate interpretation of who you are Andrea."


	55. Chapter 55 Human Nature

****A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. **********I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'  
******

******I do not own the rights to the (spoiler alert) Madonna song in question. Enjoy. ******

_**Human Nature** _

Daryl's been growing very sickly. He's finally so weakened by his illness that he's forced to the confines of a bedroom over at Michonne and Andrea's place. Andrea is seen exiting Daryl's bedroom, holding a large cup that she tries to hide, the moment Michonne is coming down the hall to check on him.

"Andrea what's in the cup?"

"Pee!" Andrea says looking guilty. "Daryl can't get out of bed so he pees in this cup then I throw it out."

Michonne glances into the cup. "Why is it black in there?"

"He pees ink." Andrea blurts out in a lie so pathetic that Michonne can only shake her head with a sigh.

"You're a horrible liar."

"We all can't be as good at it as you are Michonne." Andrea runs off as Michonne sends a dirty look back at the blonde.

Andrea's confessional. "I'm now just starting to feel bad about what I did to Merle. I have to rectify the situation. I have to seem like I actually give a **beep** about someone else other then myself. So I'm using Daryl for my manipulation of Merle. I've been poisoning Daryl for the past few days. Every time he comes over to hang out, I spike his tea with a little death. Merle will come over, see me attentively caring for his brother and fall in love with a kinder, sweeter Andrea."

Michonne comes into Daryl's room. "Have you been drinking whatever Andrea had in that cup?"

Daryl's lips are smeared in black goo, "nope" he lies.

"Why are you both lying to me?"

Footage from three days ago. "Anderea what the **beep** you spiking my tea wif?" Daryl yells after catching the blonde in the act.

"A man named Eugene said he found a cure. I'm not sure if he was full of **beep** or telling the truth. So I need you to drink this to see if it actually works. After a month we'll let a walker bite you, if you turn, I'll kill Eugene but if its really the antidote, we'll give it to everyone."

Daryl shakes his head. "I don't know about this."

"This isn't like you Daryl you're a self sacrificer. I thought I could count on you. Are you telling me that I can't? that what's left of the human race cant?!"

"Andrea I-"

"Stop being selfish and sacrifice yourself for the sake of the group, this could actually work." She then shoves the cup at his face. "Now drink...and you can't tell anybody about this, I don't want to give them false hope."

Footage switches back to Daryl and Michonne.

"I was sucking on a pen and it exploded in my mouth." He lies again.

"And into the cup Andrea was holding?" She questions.

"You want me to swallow ink Chonne, is that it?"

"No I just came here to check on you, and I feel like I'm being lied to."

"You gotta stop being so paranoid Chonne."

Michonne's confessional. "Hopefully Daryl will be fine by the time I get back. I'm leaving for a while with Rosita. She's going to help me get better with firearms. I'm not that bad with a gun, I doubt this will take up the whole day."

Michonne is literally gone the rest of the day.

Andrea's confessional. "I know killing Daryl is technically_ bad_ but somebody's gotta die so that I can be a good person. Its logical...like in TV or whatever. It builds character development." She smiles.

Merle feels helpless as he's starring at his baby brother on his death bed. "My sweet little innocent baby brother is dying and I don't know what to do."

"If only there was an extremely beautiful and caring woman to take care of him." Andrea says in compliment to herself.

"Michonne aint no where around!" Merle yells.

"I meant me!"

"Did you?"

Andrea's confessional. "Merle's still so bitter. I don't know why I want him anyways. And Daryl is halfway passed death, maybe I should stop. Wasted all my pen ink for nothing."

"Merle I know you're a carrying brother but maybe we should do something for him..." Andrea says with false concern.

Merle gets up. "We needa get him some food."

"He needs to eat a bullet."

"You aint killing my sweet baby brother you human canker sore!"

"Merle his time's up, he needs to die...look he's coughing up black gunk. He's about to turn. Let me put a bullet in his head."

Daryl mumbles something.

"Baby brother you trying to speak?" Daryl leans all the way over his bed and vomits up globs of black poison that heaps on the ground.

Andrea could care less about Daryl and tries to work Merle some more. "Merle I wanna be here for you through this. I'm sorry for what I did. But I've been taking care of Daryl this entire time and you never asked why?"

"Why?!"

"Because I love you sugar hook." She pets him.

"**Beep** you. I don't wanna hear it." Merle walks off dragging Daryl's body along the ground behind him.

Daryl's confessional. "I aint down with this cure thing no more. If I get bit I get bit, damn antidote is killing me, its like poison or somethin'-**beep** tastes like a **beep**ing sharpie."

There's a banging at the door that stops Andrea from going after Merle. She groans whipping her head around and stomps towards the front door. Swinging it open she's shocked to see Rick, who's even more angered by the simple sight of her.

"I need to see Michonne." He demands.

"She's dead." Andrea swings the door but Rick stops it just before it slams shut.

"Stop lying to me Andrea."

"She died yesterday, you missed the ceremony. Even in her dieing moments you weren't there for her. "

"Andrea enough with the games I need to talk to her NOW!"

"I'm fulfilling Meesh's last wish, nobody with an R in their name is allowed in."

"Is that Abraham I see in there behind you, was that Merle and Daryl? I see Carl's inside too." He finishes after he'd over exaggerated the Rs in everyone's names.

"Damn idiots with Rs in their names." Andrea complains.

"You the biggest idiot you got an R in your name." Daryl mumbles holding his stomach as he's walking by.

Andrea glances at him then looks back at Rick. "You can't have it in your first and last name then."

"Abraham Ford. Carl Grimes." Rick emphasizes again.

"You're not coming into this house Rick. I wont let you. Meesh deserves a man who's dick drips with power."

"Oh I'll show you power!" Rick says getting easily angered.

"Nope." She slams the door shut. "That was creepy Rick I don't like that."

Rick sighs. "Listen to me Andrea, I'm sorry for what I said to you about Amy, I'm sorry for everything. But you need to apologize for the things you've done while in this house. You've been reckless, manipulative, and untrustworthy. That is not how you're supposed to act when you're in a group. We need each other Andrea, and you need to apologize for what you've done and mean it."

Andrea opens the door. "I accept your apology. And I will give you my apology tonight, come back later."

Rick returns to the house a few hours later eager to hear Andrea's apology, but all he hears at first is a working radio playing some song he isn't used to hearing. Then he sees them. The women of his nightmares.

"Express yourself, don't repress yourself" Andrea spins around.  
"Express yourself, don't repress yourself" Carol struts out.  
"Express yourself, don't repress yourself" Beth comes out in leather.  
"Express yourself, don't repress yourself" They all sing in unison.

"I'm not sorry...It's human nature."Andrea sings strutting to a puzzled Merle.  
"I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me." Andrea slaps Merle at the word bitch and continues to sing. "Its human nature."

Beth takes over the vocals. "You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say..." she sings even louder over the rubbery sounds her leather suit made when she moved. "You didn't want to see life through my eyes." Beth sang bitterly towards Daryl, who looks around with a pinch of guilt. "You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room. And silence me with bitterness and lies." Beth flashes her hair and struts back to Carol and Andrea.

"Did I say something wrong?" The three sing in unison.

"Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex," Beth sings with her middle finger at Daryl.

"Did I stay too long?" The three harmonize as Carol angrily throws her scarf at Daryl.

"Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind." Carol sings than whispers sarcastically "What was I thinking?"

"You punished me for telling you my fantasies," Andrea sings to Merle as she tears up his stories which he'd spent hours writing up. "I'm breakin' all the rules I didn't make...You took my words and made a trap for silly fools. You held me down and tried to make me break."

"Did I say something true?" The three harmonizes.

"Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex." Beth slams a sex ed book next to Rick's ear.

"Did I have a point of view?" The ladies harmonize.

"Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you-Rick!" Andrea sings as the three slam their foot on the ground at the word _you_.

Rick's confessional. "So I get sung a song thinking I'ma get apologized to, but really its a song about how they aint gonna apologize. If they didn't want to say they were sorry, they could have just said so. Andrea and her theatrics, always wanna put on a show. I didn't even know if those were real lyrics, or if they were asking me a bunch of rhetorical questions."

"Express yourself, don't repress yourself." Carol whispers.

"I'm not apologizing!" Andrea laughs.

"Would it sound better if I were a man?"Carol asks Rick who tries to look away.

"You're the one with the problem." Andrea says towards Rick while Carol leans on his shoulder.

"Why don't you just deal with it?" Carol advises.

"I have no regrets" Andrea sings with a weak twerk. "I don't have to justify anything" Andrea adds with a smirk, making Carol point to Rick. "I'm just like you."

Rick's confessional. "And I sat through that whole thang because I thought eventually Michonne was gonna come home but she didn't. If Andrea didn't want to apologize, she could of just said so, now I'm actually upset she didn't just tell me she wasn't gonna apologize to me at the **beep**ing door! I gave her an opportunity to speak her mind and she **beep**s in my face. I let her **beep** in my face!"

"Absolutely. No. Regrets." Andrea smiles before walking off with the girls.

Andrea's confessional. "Nothing is worth doing unless you put on an entire production. It took me and Carol forever to get Beth in that leather outfit, after we found her unconscious by that river."


	56. Chapter 56 Survival of the Fittest

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**_Survival of the Fittest_**

It's been a few days since Andrea and Michonne returned to the house. And now that everyone was under the same roof, Rick is set to tackle some business.

Rick's confessional. "I've ordered everyone to pack a survival bag for whenever this place falls. Exit plans are a must and everything essential needs to be in one place, something you can grab and go. You can lose your life if you gotta search around for thangs. I've had too many falls. The fall of the farm, the fall of the prison, I will not go through the fall of this house and lose any more people."

Rick has the housemates in an assembly line with their bags by their feet awaiting Rick's inspection.

"Carl you only need two silencers, one for yourself and a back up. You have eight silencers and one gun! And what is this? A love letter from Sophia? Is this a walker finger attached to it?"

"The letter was from Sophia but the walker finger was Lizzie's idea. She thought it would be cute. It wasn't."

Rick searches Michonne's survival bag next. "Let's see here, you don't need this, or this, and you don't need these oils Michonne-we get it, you have great skin but five bottles? Really-and what's this-"

"Oh my god, put it back... it's for my...time of the month-"

"Don't be ashamed Michonne, I'll use you as an example to your peers. EVERY WOMAN MUST HAVE THESE TAMPONS LIKE MICHONNE... they flexible yet strong."

"Rick... stop-"

"Michonne share out your feminine products with the other women... you have like a whole bag and-"

"Fine, just... move on to the next person."

Rick nods before walking to the next bag.

"I'll look over yours again later Michonne."

"Why do you need to re-check my bag?"

"This is about survival, I can't leave anything unchecked, and for some reason your bag has a lotta pockets, probably filled with candy."

"Just check it now."

"No. We're gonna sort through everything later. And swap some items."

Abraham begins to tease Rick. "Swap some items yeah right. Since when do you need tampons Rick, is there something you wanna tell us?"

"I need em to sop up the blood attached to your follicles Ford. Alright Andrea how many guns did you put in your bags this time?"

"I don't carry my guns in a bag, they're on my person."

Rick starts to search through her bag. "You've got an expired moldy sandwich, you treat your food like you treat your body I see. You have a gun clip, and a gun clip, and look at that a gun clip, but you kinda missing something important."

"What?"

"They're empty Andrea you aint got no damn bullets."

"Well good, both of us shoot blanks than." She replies as Abraham laughs.

"That's enough, this is serious!" Rick continues to search her bag and finds something even more odd. "Is this a starfish?"

"Yea its lucky." Andrea replies happily.

"This is nasty Andrea one of the arms fell off..."

"You had a living starfish in your bag?" Abraham asks.

"Yea you add it to water and it comes back to life, then you chop off an arm and eat it."

"It doesn't work that way Andrea its dead." Michonne says to her non believing friend.

"Meesh it aint dead its dehydrated. Like them cup of noodles, and how do you eat them? You add water."

"Oh my god" Michonne sighs.

Rick throws the starfish down and shatters it to pieces.

"Whatever, I can just add it to water and grow a hundred little starfishes."

"I'm moving on from you because I just don't care anymore."

Rick reaches out to search Abraham's bag but before he can touch it, Abraham stops him. "Wait let me open the bag, you might set something off." He slowly zips it open as everyone steps back, Rick peers into the bag and sees grenades, a mini nuke, some ginsu knives, a small black box with a red button.

"What is that?"

"If you touch that button, we will all literally die. I've rigged the house with dynamite."

"Why did yew do that?" Daryl shouts.

"Because when we find the cure, we're not gonna let anybody else steal it, I will die before I let that happen and so will all of you."

"Abe you can't mass murder all of us." Michonne says.

"Dead men can't tell secrets." The redhead responds.

Rick steps away with caution then starts to check Merle's bag. "You've got a ton of playboy magazines, some bolt cutters, some wires, a car stereo...Merle did you hot wire a car and steal its radio?"

"I plead the fifth."

"Merle I aint gonna arrest you for stealing a radio."

"That's what they all say, right before they shoot ya."

Daryl nods his head in agreement.

"Daryl why don't you have a bag?" Rick questions.

"All I need is my crossbow and my buff arms."

Rick nods in approval. "Why can't y'all all be like Daryl, he's always prepared. You gotta be light weight, can't be lugging around materials."

"But you told us to pack these bags." Andrea complains.

"This was a test and all y'all failed."

Michonne sets her bag aside and heads for the door thinking the task at hand was over. "I'll be back later." She says grabbing her katana and a backpack before leaving. Rick is curious by Michonne's recent sketchy behavior and walks after her but is stopped by Abraham.

"Don't, she needs her alone time."

"Is she...depressed?" Rick asks with concern.

"You should have a talk with her." The red headed male suggests before walking off.

Rick walks outside later on in the day and is accosted by Lilly. Andrea comes out a moment later, and notices the way Lilly is acting around Rick. It doesn't give Andrea the impression that she was there for just business.

As Lilly walked off Rick turns around and sees Andrea starring at him with her arms folded across her chest. "Well, well, well, look who's getting some easy ass on the side. I think you should go for it, maybe you need a woman you can save when she trips or breaks a nail. Tap into that savior complex you have. Oh hey Meesh!"

Rick turns around to see Michonne on her way into the house.

"Rick has a date with Lilly, isn't that swell?" Andrea belts out.

Rick shakes his head but Michonne speaks before he does. "Its fine Rick, do your thing." She walks into the house.

"Why would you tell her that?!" Rick screams at the pestering blonde. Andrea then smirks and walks away from Rick only to have her head covered by a giant brown bag.

Later, a hand cuffed Andrea is strapped to a chair, by Rick who has a bottle of lube in his hands. "Is... is that the lube I gave to Meesh?"

Rick nods throwing the cap at her making her flinch. "What the hell Rick?" She screams as he's reaching into his pocket. He tosses a small tool on the floor near Andrea, then squeezes the lube on her bare feet.

"Ep, what the** beep** Rick, that's cold-?"

"No one can say you didn't have this coming... you'd better find a way to get that key before he wakes up." Rick throws the key at her face before leaving a confused Andrea alone in the dark room.

"Rick, why'd you lube up my feet? Rick, where are you going?! RRiiiccckkkk-"

Andrea stops at the sound of groaning from the corner of the room.

"Oh **beep**, Johnny?!" Andrea squirms in her restraints before looking down at the screwdriver on the ground. She instinctively tries to pick it up with her toes, but it keeps slipping away from her.

"That crazy **beep**, he messed with my feet!" Andrea cries as she kept picking up the tool, and lifting it up, just to have it drop back on the floor.

"MMMMeeeesssshhhhh!" She cries out.

The camera follows Rick with a slow motion filter as he walks with the happiest smile on his face, while Andrea's screams are heard from the depths of the basement. Rick continues to hear the screams as he's making himself some tea and even sits to take a few sips. Michonne whizzes past him and up the stairs to her bedroom.

He stops by Michonne's room and knocks on her door. "Can I come in?"

She simply nods her head.

"Are you okay? You've been upset for the past couple of days, since you got back. I'm sorry for the way I treated you."

"I know. I'm sorry too." Michonne says with a rush looking preoccupied.

"About Lilly-"

"Rick if you want to date her go ahead. You've only been with Lori and me so if you need to sow your wild oats I get it. It doesn't seem like you but its fine." She rushes out of the room before Rick can say anything. Rick grunts and kick's at Michonne's garbage can in anger. As the garbage spills over he sees it. The positive pregnancy test.

**Next time on The Real World-Walking Dead.**

Andrea is in a panic then notices that Johnny can only go so far, she looks around the walker to see that its chained to something in the back and wouldn't be able to actually reach her. "Rick you sadistic prick." She whispers to herself.

Rick's confessional. "I was just trying to scare her. I would never leave a woman strapped in a chair with a walker, sounds like something Phillip would do. I'm no where near as cruel as that man, I'm curler. If she gotta use the bathroom then tough **beep** for her."


	57. Chapter 57 Eating for Two

****A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'****

**_Eating for Two_ (The baby chronicles part 1)**

The next morning Rick is finally able to talk with Michonne who approaches him with worry while looking for Andrea.

"Michonne don't you think there's something we need to talk about? I know about the pregnancy test.'

"So you know about Andrea."

Rick is raddled with guilt but hides it from the perceptive Samurai. Abraham comes by and sees Rick and Michonne. "Oh Michonne so you told him your knocked up?"

"Abe when and how would that even happen?"

"When a man and a woman love each other-"

"Its not me its Andrea."

"No its you, look how big your jugs are."

Rick stands protectively in front of Michonne. "Why are you looking at my wife's chest?!"

"They're right in front of me, where else am I supposed to look?"

Daryl comes by. "Damn Abe we all noticed but none of us was stupid enough to say anything."

"At least I didn't nickname them like your stupid brother."

"The twins is a very appropriate nickname."

Michonne's confessional. "I'm not pregnant I'm always really careful about that, I'm just gaining a lot of weight because of Merle's cooking, he fries everything."

Michonne uncomfortable with the conversation had in front of her, pulls Rick aside. "You called me your wife."

"Are you gonna correct me?"

"I don't need to correct you when you're right."

"We're long overdue for a honeymoon." He smiles.

"I'd love to but I have to find Andrea. I went on runs all day yesterday to get her prenatal vitamins and she keeps putting them in Daryl's food."

Rick nods. "He did say he felt a little tender today...and that explains why he's been so emotional."

They both look back at Abraham and Daryl as Daryl shoves Abraham and runs off crying.

"Michonne you look tired, go lay down and I'll get Andrea." Michonne nods and walks off as Rick power walks towards the basement.

A camera follows behind Rick as he dashes to the basement door and rushed down the steps. He kills poor walker Johnny and approaches Andrea. "Riiccckkkk... why don't you ever finish what you start-"

"Is it true... that you're pregnant?"

"Yup."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!"

"Oh, was I supposed to tell you before or after you kidnapped me?! And besides you wouldn't have believed me anyway."

Rick begins to unfasten her restraint as she talks to him in a hushed angry whisper.

"Rick... I'm going to tell Messssh and she'll hate you for life."

"Dammit Andrea, you aint gonna tell her-"

"You almost let Johnny eat my **beep**y-you tried to make him give me a forced abortion! Meesshh-" Rick covers her mouth as he leans into her.

"What do you want Andrea..."

"I wont tell Michonne about this... as long as you do me some favors."

"Fine-"

"For nine mounts straight, you shall be my slave. You can't touch Michonne either, you might screw her and forget out little arrangement. Her and her dam magical vagina."

"You and your spawn aint gonna get away with this!"

"Hush now Rick, once you let me out of this chair, I gotta whole lotta stuff and thangs for you to do." She said, making fun of his southern accent by mocking his voice.

Seven moths later, a tired Michonne and very large Andrea are laying in bed together.

"Andrea do you know who the father is?"

"That doesn't matter because you and I are gonna be this baby's parents. I don't want anybody else around my kid but you. I know I've been a terrible friend and I'm sorry."

Michonne smiled with a relaxed nod as Andrea spoke again. "I got in some exercise today. Daryl helped me."

A cut away scene shows exactly how Daryl helped exercise the glowing mother to be. As Daryl crept past Andrea, his heart stops when he hears her waddling towards her door in a hurry. It had been a tortuous routine for her to traumatize the redneck with her belly. Bumping him with it, forcing his face against it, and even pressing her precious bump against his squeamish body when she passed him.

He hated physical contact and the thought of her using her baby as a bumper on him.

"Dixon!" She screams as she held her stomach with a wild grin and ran towards him. With a squeal, he tried to out run her and shut his door. She bumped it open as he backed up against the wall, throwing aside his crossbow and holding up his hands in surrender.

"Yeah, take that-me and the kid are gonna kick your ass in unison, **beep**!"

Daryl held back a scream as she bumps him with her belly. He actually feels the little life inside her kick him, then Andrea proceeded to kicked his shin. He slipped away and rushed towards the door, but she kept side stepping him when he was near his exit.

"Haha, if you don't like it, punch it!"

"Naw-"

"Than stay down **beep**!" She bumped him so hard with her stomach that he fell over and began to hyperventilate. Fighting back was useless against her swollen belly, so he just waited for her to tire out or for Michonne to find her and pull her away.

The footage switches back to Andrea with Michonne who's devouring another plate of Merle's delectable cooking. Andrea spanks at her friend's hand. "Stop eating so damn much you fatty. I'm supposed to be the one getting big not you."

"Give me a **beep**ing break, I've been taking care of you this entire time, and I've looked past how much of a **beep** friend you've been to me." The Samurai says as a button goes flying off her vest, making Andrea laugh spitefully.

"Its not my fault my clothes are too tight."

"So you finally admit it Meesh."

Rick comes into the room as Michonne is sadly wiping her mouth with a tissue. Andrea yanks away the plate of food from her friend's lap. "When the baby comes out I want it to see hot athletic Meesh, not this mushy thing."

Michonne gets up to greet Rick as he lovingly kisses her on the cheek, and tries to counteract the blonde's cruelty. "Well I like you like this, there's more of you for me to grab." Michonne smiles as he wraps his arms around her waist and the two start some heavy public displays of affection, right in front of the bad tempered Andrea.

"I'm gonna throw up my entire baby if you don't stop Rick."

Rick pulled away from his walker slaying goddess to berate the blonde. "Oh Andrea, you're just mad because you aint got anybody no more... and after all that work trying to rack up men-"

"I already have a whole person inside of me, I don't need nobody else!"

"Well if that's the case... " Rick picked up Michonne's plate of food and gave her shoulder a little squeeze. "How about you and I finish your lunch in my room... I could use some desert." He said in lust as Michonne took her plate from him. "Come on Rick, you know I'd never be able to get a bite of food in with you around."

"Who said anythang about food-"

"This house only needs one baby and that's mine! Back off Rick!"

Andrea's confessional. "I have an illness, I have a condition and Rick and Meesh are just making me even sicker. Why'd they have to get back together the moment I can't do anything about it, its so hard to move these days." She slaps her hand down on her belly as Glenn jumps from behind the camera. "Jesus! Andrea watch it."

Rick's confessional. "So while Andrea was blackmailing me, she made me take her nasty hair out of her drain, shave Abraham's _fur_ to make a mink coat for her baby, and trying to use my boy as target practice; by placing an apple on his head and shooting at him blind folded, I just had it with Andrea and told Michonne what I did to her."

Michonne's confessional. "Yea he told me. But I'm to tired to get that upset about it...and also apparently fat." She says stuffing a spoon of Merle's macaroni and cheese into her mouth.

"Can I have some?" Glenn cautiously asks.

"NO!" She screams then aggressively starts to spoon more food into her mouth.

"Michonne I think you're just stress eating because of Andrea."

"Its the end of the world and I still have to worry about the way I look? **beep** all of you. I'm gonna have my cake and eat it too." Merle's voice is heard from outside the confessional room. "Mi-chonne's I've got cake." The Samurai bolts from her chair.

In the kitchen a happy Michonne is with a very proud Merle as he's displaying various fried foods in front of her. "I'm gonna treat you to some good old fashion southern hospitality Mi-chonne, everything is fried and dripping with flavor." Michonne just nods her head and starts forking some of the food into her mouth barely even chewing."

Andrea waddles into the kitchen, "Merle feed me!"

"Sit down then." He says pulling out her chair for her. He places a plate of friend catfish with some lemons on the side and cornbread.

Abraham comes in to see Andrea and Michonne simultaneously ramming down Merle's delicious but unhealthy dishes. Its the end of the world and he's mostly unset because of how unhealthy all the food is. It brings down productivity. "Merle you're giving the women cholesterol."

"Lemon. There's some lemon there so you need to clam the hell down alright."

"The lemon is fried." Abe says looking less then pleased with Merle's save.


	58. Chapter 58 The Due Date

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Warning: over use of the nickname Meesh.**

_**The Due Date **_**(The baby chronicles part 2)**

Nearing her due date Andrea is more admit then ever that her baby is more everyone's else's responsibility than her own. "This isn't my problem anymore, it's everyone else's cause I'm not taking care of this baby. The invention of sperm was not my fault." Andrea says when her water suddenly breaks and she's just standing there.

"Oh my lord, get Hershel, find Bob, Andrea lay down-" Rick hollers.

"No, I'm gonna stand here and **beep** the littler **beep**er out!" Andrea grunts as she begins to push and everyone is freaking out.

"Listen Andrea, I don't give a damn about what you want, we gotta bring that child into this world safely-" Rick is cut off by a doe eyed Andrea before she screeches in pain.

"Uggghhh, MMMeeesshhhh take it out of meeeee-it's hurrrttttsssss-use the bladeee! MEESSHHHH!"

"No! You'll die-" Michonne replies.

"Use the blade and open her, we gotta get it out!" Merle commands the Samurai.

Andrea screams in pain before she bolts, holding her tummy and running around the room like a maniac.

"Make her stop running before she hurts herself-DARYL DO SOMETHING!" Rick shouts gripping the roots of his hair as Daryl was silently panicking. In one swift motion, all logic and rational thought left him as he lifted his crossbow and shot Andrea like deer in a game park.

Andrea fell to her side as everyone looked at Daryl, than her, than back at him.

"Oh my god, what did I just doooo?!" Daryl ran to Andrea, who was panting heavily and holding the bolt that stuck through her leg. With wide eyes, she looked at Daryl and suddenly went berserk. She screamed in his reddening ear and racked her nails across his scalp and arms.

"I guess her maternal instinct just kicked in." Abe joked while Michonne tried to separate the redneck from Andrea's vice grip.

"When the kid come out, Imma strangle you with the umbilical cord, you white trash piece of-Ahhhh, it's tearing me open." Andrea screams in pain.

Rick forced himself to hold her hand and calmly talk her through this "You gotta dilate-"

"I'll dilate your **beep**ing head, you** beep**ing **beep**, I'll** beep** your mama with a walker **beep**!" She punched him and yelled as Merle and a scared Daryl restrained her. Everyone stopped at the sound of Carl reading his gun.

He looked at them with a shrug. "Just in case things don't go well, we gotta put her down-I'll be quick." He said as he examined his gun with pride and certainty.

"You pale piece of-" Andrea screams again trying to grab for Carl's gun.

"Dammit Andrea, stop cursing and actually take a breath for once... you need to breath." Michonne said while placing her katana down and approaching the blonde.

"Breathe with me Meesh-sync you breath with mine!"

"Fine... one, two, three-"

"Now, say it in your sexy voice and moan while you breath... " Andrea pleaded. Michonne looked stone face as the men waited for her next movement.

"It calms me Meesh... and i'll get wet... It will help me push it out. Do it Meesh, or at least **beep**ing fake it-just pretend I'm Rick." She smiled at the look of hurt on their leader's face as Michonne gave in and began to moan.

"Do it like you mean it-aahhhh, it's coming-Ah, someone get under my dress!" She cried as Rick and Daryl gave each other a look.

"Uh, I think I should boil some water..." Rick got up and left as Daryl began to chew his nail and hightails it towards the kitchen muttering "We need towels and** beep**."

Michonne leered at the two men before Merle held up his little bayonet hand. "Sorry Mi-chonne, I only gots one hand... " He points at Andrea's wet crotch. "That's all you sweetheat-ay Daryl, you need help in there?!" After Merle left Abe sighed and stood beside Michonne.

"Come on Mich, we took on herds of walkers, extreme soreness after workouts, and Rick's mood swings... this should be a piece of cake." He smiled at Michonne who rubbed his back with a thankful nod. She then looked over at Carl who shook his head with a steady aim on Andrea's skull with his gun. This was going to be a long day.

After hours Andrea was completely set up to have this baby, but her actually trying to push it out would of been a great help. Andrea laid on the floor with a soda in her hand, spread eagle in boredom.

"Is it out yet-"

"Dammit Andrea, are you even trying?!" Michonne said from between her legs.

"**Beep** the baby, the sight of your delicious hands in my golden forest is all I need... wait, I feel something." Andrea pushed and pouted, looking around the room. Everyone watched her with bated breath before she slowly sipped on her drink. "I need to pee."

"For **beep**'s sake!" Rick threw down the towel and walked out of the house to find someone with an ounce of medical knowledge. "**Beep**y, you get back here and finished what you stared Rick!" Andrea hollered towards the closed door.

After being carried up the stairs by Abraham and Michonne, the blonde waddles into the bathroom. As Michonne stands behind the closed door, she makes a look of confusion as the sound of grunts were echoing in the bathroom.

"Andrea, are you trying to have your child in the toilet?!" Michonne questions slightly angered.

"Uhhh... no... wait, I think I see something... I'm gonna flush it!" Andrea yells as Michonne and Abraham look back at each other before tearing the door open on a squatting, red face Andrea over the toilet. Her tub was already filled with water as she laughed and jumps in it. "Haha fooled you."

Only the camera catches Michonne and her red headed companion's vast range of expressions from fear, then disgust as Abe staggered back, at the sound of Andrea's hissing, demonic chanting, then a loud plop followed by splash.

Andrea comes back into view and she suddenly shots her hands into the air and yells "goal!"

Abraham's confessional. The redhead is deeply shaken, his hands are trembling and his eyes are bloodshot. "I think I lost time, all I remember was that baby coming out and Michonne yelling at Andrea before I passed out." The camera shuts off because Abraham seriously needed a moment. "Andrea was convinced the baby was a boy, because she thought the umbilical was it's dick... she wouldn't let us cut it, so they were pretty much attached for a while... she even threw her damn placenta at Rick when he came in to give her some towels..." Abe began to cry in silence, seeing his hands soaked in Andrea's fluids. "Andrea insisted we cut the umbilical cord with Michonne's sword. She wanted it to be like some ceremonial **beep**."

Michonne's confessional. "Andrea had a little girl."

In the bathroom, everyone had gathered around Andrea and the newborn.

"Stop poking her." Michonne says watching the blonde with her baby.

"Its not moving." She replies still poking at the baby as Michonne stops her hand. "She's sleeping Andrea."

"What you gon' name the little brat?" Merle interrupts.

"Maybe plopper...because that's what it did...or just baby with an I, so Babi. But after some thought, I think I'm gonna name her after someone I truly love." Andrea looks at a smiling Merle.

"So the name's gonna be Merla?" He laughs.

"Hell no! Her name's gonna be little Meesh!"

Michonne smiles and kisses the side of Andrea's head.

The sweet moment only last a second before Andrea takes her baby and shoves it towards the Samurai. "Now big Meesh, take little Meesh and get her out of my sight. After all that I need a damn drink. Finally!"

"Andrea you'll be breastfeeding you can't have any alcohol." Michonne warns.

"WHAT?"

Andrea screams so loudly it wakes up little Meesh and the poor baby starts crying. Michonne gently rocks the child to soothe is but a frustrated Andrea leans over and screams at her child. "SHHHUTT THEE **BEEEPPP** UPPPPP!"

"Andrea you can't scream at a baby!" Michonne says as Rick shakes his head with disgust.

"Like her namesake, she'll learn to tolerate people yelling in her face." Andrea looks at Rick.

"I don't yell in Michonne's face anymore."

"Now you're yelling in my face. " Andrea screams.

"Both of you stop yelling over the baby!" Michonne pleaded.

Andrea sighs. "Its easy for you Meesh you never yell."

"Its gon' get real confusing if there's two Meeshs in the house." Daryl points out.

"Fine then I'll name her after Michonne and my most valued companion. A gun. Everyone welcome to the world, Meeshgunn. There's two Ns in Gunn so that makes it a name."

Rick lets out an aggravated sigh, "oh for **beep**s sake."

The baby starts to cry again as an annoyed Andrea looks at baby Meeshgun. "I said silence. Meeshgunn silence. Meeshgunn! Meeshgunn! Meeshgunn!"

"Damn Andrea cut it out you sound like a **beep**ing Natzi." Daryl yells.


	59. Chapter 59 Baby Daddy

******A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. **********I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'********

**_Baby Daddy _(The Baby Chronicles part 3)**

With a few months passed since the birth of Andrea's baby, a nagging feeling kept troubling the eldest Dixon brother. Merle is holding up little Meeshgunn studying the child's face like he's doing algebra. Daryl notices this and comes up to his older brother. "What chew doing?"

"Lookin' if I see any of myself in this brat." Merle answers.

Daryl scratched the back of his head. "Its hard to tell, she looks just like Andrea."

"Well you better figure it out, either way this is yo kin. You either this brat's uncle or big brother." Merle says handing over the small baby to Daryl before walking off. Daryl holds the baby and smiles at the little blue eyes starring up at him. "You are my kin little nuttbuster, no matter what."

Daryl's confessional. "I get along better with babies than I do regular people. Babies don't judge ya, they can't talk, but I don't like to talk either."

Andreas confessional. "There are three things I've taught little Meeshgun. How to hate Rick, how to hold a knife with her little baby hand, and to be quiet when mommy is angry, because if a herd comes around and I'm upset, I aint saving her if she's screeching in my ear. I can have another Meeshgunn but there can only be one of me."

A camera comes up to Andrea who's yelling at a shaken Rick and Abraham in the kitchen. "You guys need to calm down, its only a butter knife. I'm using it to train her until she gets a real knife when she's older. You guys look at me like I'm a horrible mother."

The camera pans towards Rick who's rubbing his hands over his face with a hard sigh and Abraham who's angrily shaking his head, and holding the butter knife he'd carefully taken away from the baby.

Later on, Michonne is seen playing with little Meeshgunn with her rainbow cat, when Carl walks in to see the baby. Michonne leaves the room for a moment, while Carl picks up the youngest survivor. The baby seems very taken with him and even smiles. Rick comes into the room and the leader's instant presence has the baby weeping. Rick holds the baby while Carl calls for Michonne, then suddenly the baby vomits all over Rick's shoulder.

Rick's confessional. "Its a baby! How can it hate me already?!'

Andra's confessional. "I show it a picture of Rick then I'd yell in terror at the top of my lungs. Now the bastard wont be able to mess with my baby. Anyways, I'd show it a picture of Meesh, then it'd pet it. There's only one picture I have of Meesh and Carl's in it so maybe Meeshgunn will learn to like him too."

Andrea comes up to Abraham and Michonne in the kitchen as the redhead and the Samurai are having a very immature moment, of some light roughhousing. Andrea clears her throat gaining their attention. "Listen I need you two to sigh this."

To humor Andrea but also distracted by sibling like barbs thrown at each other, Abraham and Michonne sign on Andrea's dotted lines. Michonne shakes her head and snatches the document from Andrea, its against her better judgement to sign something without reading it, but when she does she's stunned. "You're sighing over your rights to Meeshgunn?"

"Yep, you two are her parents now. Yay."

"There's no one here to notarize this. I could rip this up right now and it wouldn't mean a thing."

"It will mean something...in your heart Meesh."

"Its written on a **beep**in' napkin." Abe says.

"Look, you two are already great friends, just raise my kid, I need to get away for a while."

Andrea grabs some things as Michonne has finally had it with her friend. She runs after the blonde, stopping her just outside the house by roughly grabbing her arm and forcing her around. Andrea has a flash of genuine terror. "Meesh you're hurting me."

Andrea's confessional. "**Beep**. I don woke the lioness."

"The last thing you're gonna do is abandon a new born baby who needs you. And how dare you chose me and Abraham to raise her? How could you put two people who've lost their own children in that position?"

"Ok ok. I'm sorry! But I told you all it was your responsibility. I can't raise a child, I'm just a kid!"

"Enough with the bull**beep**!"

"I'm scared Meesh! What if it grows up more **beep**ed up than I am."

Andrea's confessional. "I was looking at Meeshgunn a few hours ago, and then it hit me. I'm her mother. I don't want to leave her but I figured she'd be better off with two responsible people to raise her."

Michonne is deeply saddened. "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way?"

"Because I didn't want Rick to smell my fear, he thrives in it."

"Because you're cruel to him for no reason."

"I don't hate Rick, I hate what you have with him, you two are so in love and I'm all alone."

"Andrea you're not alone, you have...Meeshgunn, and me, and the rest of the group, which includes Rick who's done nothing but help you."

"I'm too far gone Meesh, he will never forgive me, nor will the father of my baby." Andrea cries.

Michonne hugs her friend. "Andrea who's the father?"

Andrea hugs her back crying on her shoulder. "I'll give you a hint, he only has five fingers."

Michonne pulls back. "Merle? Does he know? If he doesn't you have to tell him."

"Tell him he only has five fingers?"

"No tell him he's a father."

"I'll tell him when the kid's 18, if Merle lives that long he'll deserve to know."

"Andrea!"

"Or maybe I should make a play and tell him."

"No plays. You woman up and tell him."

"Will you come with me Meesh..."

"Yes, lets bring little blondie too. Are you sure you don't want to reconsider her name? This could be something you and Merle do together."

"No, he's gonna change it to something dumb like...something with a Lynn at the end of it, or a female name that rhymes with Daryl and Merle, like a hick matching set of pod people."

Michonne laughs, "Andrea you idiot."

"But I'm your idiot Meesh."

Andrea and Michonne, who's holding baby Meeshgunn, are seated in front of Merle. The camera zooms in on his petrified expression, it seems he knows he's the father. "Michonne can you leave us alone for a minute? I gotta have a word with Andrea. And leave the-I mean my kid."

Michonne does so, handing him his baby girl before leaving the room and locking the door behind her.

"Andrea when were you gon' tell me this was my baby?"

"When she started making grunty pig noises like you do." she shrugs.

"No more aloof** beep**. How do you even know the kid is mine?"

"Joe's tank went empty a long time ago, Daryl was just a lucky shot on his part. And before you mention Shane because I know your rat brother probably threw his name out there-he and I have a Platonic relationship. What? You think its not your kid because it has two hands or something?"

"You know I had two hands before, right? You were there when I had them-wait, no more deflecting, we gon' talk about this baby. We gon' **beep**ing raise her together cause there aint nothing **beep**ing wrong with you Andrea. Sure you a dingy little troll but you're also...on a good day, when you're alone, I guess you're nice?" Merle looks at the camera still filming them. "Glenn get yo camera and get the hell out, I need to have an in dept conversation with this woman here." Glenn turns off his camera and heads off to film someone else in the house.

The cameraman nervously looks at Daryl, who was trying to avoid his eye contact. Finally Daryl charged Glenn's camera and got in his face.

"You wanna say something Glenn, cause you staring at meh like duck in a lizard box!"

"What? Oh, well, I'm actually not supposed to say anything to you..."

Daryl just says Glenn's name before the other male begins to spill the beans.

"Merle is the father of Andrea's child... so that makes you her uncle... how do you feel Daryl?" Glenn asked his friend in concern, as the redneck took his crossbow and slung it over his shoulder.

"I gotta see em... Merle and I gotta talk... " Daryl avoided his stare before whispering a quick thanks and rushing out of the kitchen to find his extended family.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle and I worked everything out, we're gonna raise this baby together with Daryl and Michonne as god parents...and Beth, if she's still in this house as a babysitter. Its funny, Beth is so irrelevant to me unless I need her for something."

"So what was all that yelling about in the room?" Glenn asked the woman seated in front of him.

"Oh, I knew Merle would do this, he wanted to change Meeshgunn's name to **beep**ing Pearl. I **beep**ing knew he'd make it rhyme like the little **beep** he is. The family is gonna be Pearl, Merle, and _Duurel_? Over my dead body. Her name is Meeshgunn. Meeshgun Meeshgun Meeshgun!" Andrea squeals like a pig.

Elsewhere in the house Carl is searching around for his best friend and father, looking to spend some quality time with them. After hearing his father's voice from behind a closed door, Carl absentmindedly opens it and lets out a shrill yell in shock. Michonne and Rick quickly stopped what they were doing, as Carl covered his eyes and stood there in dread, anger and confusion.

"W-what are you doing to her dad-get off!-" He said in tears, thinking that his father was hurting his friend by the way she was moaning and shaking earlier, underneath his sweaty, jerky form.

"Carl, when the door is locked its supposed to stay locked, you can't just open the door without knocking, now your crying, Michonne's crying, and all because you couldn't knock." Rick scolds pulling up his boxers. "You traumatized yourself!"

"Why were you doing that to my friend, what were you doing?!"

"Carl, this is how we create people like you. Look, you long over due for the birds and the bees so **beep** it. Men and women have sex, a woman gets pregnant, then boom you come out."

"Wait so is another me gonna come out of Michonne or-"

"Coooraaallllll stop asking stupid questions and come back after I'm finished."

"Finished doing what?!" Carl pleaded for a better understanding of the situation.

"MICHONNNE!" He points back angrily at the woman.

Carl runs off as Michonne is in the room rushing to get dressed.

"Wait we finished? I just sent the boy out." Rick whined.

"I can't believe that just happened. Why didn't you lock the door?!"

"Why didn't he knock. He needs to learn some damn consideration. Seeing me inside of you is his punishment. When we're done with him, he's gonna knock on every surface before he enters a room."

"The one time we've been together in over a year since Andrea got knocked up, and this happens." Michonne sighs.

Carl knocks on the door, "are you... are you done yet?"

"Yes Carl, we're done. But we gonna start again pretty soon. You'd better not take up to much of our time." Rick said as he blocked Michonne from Carl's view, while she was still getting dressed.

Rick's confessional. "I know I was a little hard on the boy, but I do appreciate that he needs to understand these thangs, so I sent Michonne in there to handle it."

Carl leaves Michonne's room after the Samurai had informed him like a college professor would, it was the best way she could handle it; directly and scientifically.

Carl comes out all scholarly, wearing thin reading glasses and speaks with a British accent. "Father I understand everything now. You were having intercourse with Michonne, and not for procreation but for fun, and you simply wanted me to announce myself before entering your room. This shall not be an issue in the future."

"Why are you speaking in a British accent?"

"Oh father, if only your wit matched your vigor."

"Carl I don't know what's gotten into you but-"

"Than may I suggest you put down the gun and pick up a book instead, cheerio."

Rick storms off. "MICHONNE YOU MESSED UP THE BOY!"


	60. Chapter 60 The origins of little Daryl

****A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'****

****A/N: If you watch Game of Thrones, you'll get all the references. ****

****_The origins of little Daryl_  
****

A large figure comes running through the front door, bringing the entire place to a tremble. Seeing the cause of the raucous up close, Rick is shocked by the gigantic wolf, formally known as Daryl's _dog_. "Oh my god what the hell is that?!" Rick whips out his gun as Andrea holds her baby up. "Kill it Rick, kill it before it eats Meeshgunn Pearl Amy Dixon!"

"What ch'all yellin about.. oh hey little D!" Daryl hugs the large animal around its neck, as the beast on all fours stands eye level with the happy redneck.

"Aint notin' little bout that thing!" Rick stated while Daryl shrugged and scratched the wolf behind the ears.

"Lil Daryl is triple the size of any dog I've ever seen, didn't you notice how big it was getting?" Rick asked, holstering his gun, but keeping his grip on it from his hip.

"I don't know, I thought my love made it grow, you know like Clifford...the big red dog. I never had another dog after Spot, I thought they started making em different." Daryl said as Lil Daryl got up and walked towards Rick. The large animal laid on top of him, muffling the leader's pleas for help with it's shaggy fur.

"Aw, he likes you." Daryl said to Rick, who's screams were silenced under the animal. After an hour of poking, scratching, and fur pulling from Rick, Lil' D finally got up and left the nearly flattened leader. Rick escapes from the living room to find Michonne.

"Michonne!" He called out to the woman who was whipping the air with her katana. She beheaded three mannequins before sheathing her sword and looking back at him.

"Where exactly did you get Daryl's dog?"

"From the North." She replied.

"The North?"

"Yeah its mother had a nasty collision with a stag. I watched some men take a majority of the pups, but then little Daryl came wobbling into my sight, I had to take him." Her answer made Rick scratch his head in confusion before Michonne went back to practicing her swordsmanship.

"That thang is dangerous Michonne, it could kill my boy or the baby-"

"Lil D is a sweetheart... and when it's bored, it lets me ride him like a horse... you should try it sometime. It fun."

"You can't just take a wolf from the forest, especially when they're strange men-We're taking that the wolf back!"

"No... it would be too hard for Daryl, besides Lil D has earned his place in the group, he kills walkers that linger near the gate... " Michonne said as Rick tried to think of another solution to the large wolf roaming around the house, currently knocking over everything in sight.

"But-"

"While he's killin walkers... I have more time to be with you, than on guard duty. Unless you want me to spend morning, noon, and night outside... in the heat... chasing walkers...or heading back to the North where there are giants ridding large mammoths."

"..." Rick mulled over her argument and realized that it had been almost a year since the group had to kill walkers near the gates. Lil Daryl made this place peaceful... and kept Michonne, Carl, and the others away from danger by killin' the dead.

Michonne speaks wanting Rick to soften on the idea of getting rid of Lil Daryl. "You've fought so hard to keep all of us alive for so long, I think you're just uncomfortable with not having to fight to survive, all I'm saying is if lil D can do the work, you should let him."

Rick sighed before walking away from her. The dead were raising, they had a prehistoric wolf running around, and Carl now had an IQ four times that of his own... nothing was going well for the leader now a days.

Merle was in an array of various frustrated pig grunts, as more food was getting on his baby girl's bib than in her mouth. "Meeshgunn, you gon' open ya mouth ya hear meh? You all stubborn just like your mamma." The baby spat at him, and Merle grunts again then sighs. "Yeah, you just like yo mamma. Difficult."

Rick comes into the kitchen still racking his head around the gigantic wolf running around the house, simulating an earthquake around him. "Merle, what are we going to do about Daryl's pet? I'm having a hard time handling its presence in this house."

"In secret I went with Andrea to the North..." Rick rolled his eyes. What the hell was this place? "Mi-chonne told me and Andrea where she got em from, so we headed North to take the thing back, damn **beep**er chewed up my good shoe, anyways we ran into this midget..."

"Ah Merle you mean a little person, I think that's an offensive term."

"Anyways this _little person_ was pestering me about my clothes, the way I talked, studying me like I was an animal in a zoo, meanwhile he has some fake renaissance accent and some carnival fair clothing, arrogant little **beep** had the audacity to talk about my attire. And you should have seen the way he was starring at Andrea, he looked at her hair and said she reminded him of his sister, and told Andrea not to take it as a compliment.

Andrea comes into the kitchen and takes the spoon away from Merle, and feeds her baby who didn't put up any fuss. "You telling him about...what was his name, that little guy who always pays his debts."

"What happened why didn't you leave the dog?" Rick looks to Merle who answers.

"Some weird religious cult lead by a redheaded woman kept chanting something about _the lord of light_ and burning people at the stake, so we just took lil' D and got the hell out of there."

"Merle...Andrea...have you two been taking an illegal substances?" Merle, Andrea and even the baby all look to Rick with a questioning head tilt.

Daryl's confessional. "Me and Lil' Daryl got a bond. When I fall asleep, I see the world from his eyes, sometimes I follow Sasha around and sniff her butt and she doesn't even know its me, she smells like vanilla... hold on, she's coming to the house right?"

Glenn nodded his head in hesitation before Daryl ran off to find his wolf.

The camera shows a knocked out Daryl in his room near his dog as Sasha walks in. Lil Daryl runs out to great her. He barks at her in happiness before nuzzling her breasts with his face, as the woman cooed and petted him.

"Aw, good boy... I wanted to say hi to your owner but he's sleeping again." She sighed but little Daryl licked her face in affection. After circling her, he nipped her shirt and gently pulled her towards the other couch, as she sat down Lil' Daryl plopped his head down on her lap and wagged his tail as she kissed and stroked his head, which weighed a ton and was slightly crushing her.

"Wish Daryl was awake to pet you too." She said as Lil' D runs off and after a few minutes. Daryl runs into the living room. "W-what's up Sasha... when did you get here?" He asked out of breath, pretending he didn't know of her arrival. Sitting on the couch, Daryl was trying to hide his staggered breaths. Sasha looks at him with a knowing stare. "You warged into Lil' Daryl didn't you?"

Daryl shamefully nods.

"Pervert." She teases him.

Abraham comes up to Rick, "why are you asking everybody about The North?"

"Oh god not you too. Where exactly is this damn North? Is it in Canada or something?"

"I saw my sister up there, I just walked up to her when she was in the middle of shooting arrows into his curly haired** beep**hole ridding off on a horse. She kept telling me he knew nothing and I told her he was gon' know the feel of a bullet once I got through with him."

Merle comes by sucking his teeth and shaking his head, "shudda know you were related to them filthy ass wildlings!"

"You shut the hell up mother **beep**er! We're called free folk, you racist **beep**!"

At the end of the day Rick exits the house to get some time to think things over, he hears a sharp caw near his left and jumps at the sudden noise. A large raven was perched on the off white picket fence and as the leader neared it, it did not fly away but stilled itself when the man tried to peel off the small piece of paper from it's foot.

Once Rick unrolled the scroll as the raven flew off into the far reaches of the sky.

"Maybe I should have captured it and made some stew... oh well. I wonder what this note it?" Rick said finally looking at the paper and reading it to himself. With a shrug he entered the house and found everyone gathered inside of the living room, playing along with their little weird acid trip of a game, Rick read the message out aloud.

"From what I gather from this message, king Rob Stark and the false heir Joffrey Baratheon are dead."

Andrea falls to her knees. "My king has fallen!"

"Which one, neither of them have the right to claim the North! The free folk do! When is Mance gonna light the biggest fire the north has ever seen?" Abraham says in frustration as Carl grab his gun.

"King Joffery was my friend... he made me the man I am today-it was the imp wasn't it?!" Carl said with angered devastation.

"The one true king, Stannis Baratheon is still alive. He will claim what is his by right, and rule the seven kingdoms." Michonne voiced with a crazed power hungry smile.

"Who cares about the kings, there's like five of them all bound to fail, what about Lady Stark. Is she a hostage, is she okay?" Andrea belted out.

Rick re-reads the note. "hum no she didn't make it either."

Andrea and Michonne hold each other as they both fall to the ground in heaving tears. Michonne rubs Andrea's shoulder. "She was a good woman, her son had no chance at winning the war but, I shouldn't rub that in."

"Meesh Stannis went into battle and was defeated by green fireworks, don't be a **beep** right now."

"The night is dark and full of terrors...but the fire burns them all away." Michonne responds coldly.

Daryl breaks up the tension between Andrea and Michonne. "Ah that white haired girl with the dragons is gonna rule...so yal can fight over petty kings but she gon' burn down the entire kingdom, and claim it as her own."

Merle rolls his eyes, "like she'll ever make it across the narrow sea."

Rick throws the paper down and walks outside.


	61. Chapter 61 The Gypsy Woman

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' War****ning: Levels of drama, intrigue, and a tinge of gore.**

**The Gypsy Woman  
**

A camera follows Andrea and Michonne traipsing through the woods on a mission to see someone special. A secret adviser to most of the members in the house, The Gypsy Woman. "She's the real deal, she said through no fault of my own, I would have a child."

"How is having unprotected sex and gaining a child, no fault of your own?"

"Meesh, I used protection that night with Merle, and yet we still had Meeshgunn, like The Gypsy Woman said."

"Well at least Merle cared enough to strap up that time."

"He didn't-I just found some in my bedroom."

"I know, I left them there for you."

Footage of over a year ago. An angry Andrea is caught storming into Michonne's bedroom.

"Where are they? Her precious babies, well now she'll get a real baby of her own. That **beep**."

Andrea rummages through Michonne's closet and pulls out her stash of condoms then starts puncturing holes into each of them with a fine needle. Andrea then scurries off as Michonne and Rosita are entering the Samurai's bedroom.

"If you get rid of them that would be the perfect excuse for why you can't have sex." Rosita advises half jokingly.

Michonne reaches into her closet collecting her unknowingly defective contraception.

"I'll leave these in Andrea's room, she'll put them to more use then I will." Michonne shrugs as Rosita laughs with a head nod.

The footage switches back to present day, to Michonne's stunned face, and Andrea's realization. "I poked holes in those condoms, oh my god, Meesh your the **beep**ing reason I got pregnant!"

"You're still the reason you got pregnant! Why the **beep** would you poke holes in all my condoms?!"

"Meesh you can't be mad at me. I pricked my finger doing that! I was **beep**ed up before I had Meeshgunn okay."

"You're still **beep**ed up!"

"The gypsy woman-"

"Oh my god!"

Andrea clears her throat. "The gypsy woman said the person that holds your katana had your heart, and that you wouldn't realize your love for them."

Michonne searches her back and realizes she only has her katana sheath but not her sword. "**Beep**. Oh no no no, where's my katana?"

Andrea smiles, "the person you are truly in love with holds it."

"Andrea stop with the **beep** and help me look for it. You don't understand I need it on me at all times."

"Oh **beep!** Meesh you're hyperventilating?"

"HELP ME FIND MY SWORD!"

"Oh my god! I don't know how to handle you when you're like this, oh **beep**! Try breathing!"

Andrea tries to simmer, a panicking Michonne but the two are just foot steps away from the mysteriously appearing tent. Andrea forcefully pulled Michonne inside, where they saw her, the gypsy woman, sitting in darkness.

Michonne's confessional. "I couldn't make out who the woman was, but she had a lot to say."

"Ah yes but the blonde had interpreted my words incorrectly. It is the one that tends to your sword that has your heart, they will place a healing touch to it." The mysterious woman says.

Michonne nods. "Ok so some **beep**hole broke my sword and tried to tape it back together...probably Merle."

"Meesh your not paying attention-"

"I don't have time for this I need to find my sword."

The gypsy woman speaks again. "Do you know the importance of your katana? Its more then just your weapon of choice."

Michonne's mood is increasingly worsened but she appeases the woman with a clear response. "Its said to be an extension of the soul."

"And your soul is broken."

"Someone can't just shine up my katana and be the one for me."

"Your sword and your heart will be handed back to you in due time...but first you will see to the hurt and seek out the wounded."

The gypsy woman looks to Andrea who's eagerly awaiting her fortune. "You are in for a large surprise come the end of day, a father you hold dear has a secret affection for another." Andrea is tense.

Andrea's confessional. "The gypsy woman is always right so I need to find out who Merle's seeing. It can't be Meesh because she would never do that to me, its not Carol because, why would it be? And it better not be that **beep**ing **beep** Lilly, because I hate the **beep**ing **beep**."

Footage from six months ago, shows Lori on the ground snacking on a jar of Gerber baby food. Merle storms in and snatches it away from the woman. "You know I need this **beep** for meh baby, don't go eatin' it all off when I aint here!"

"But it's so addictive-"

"**Beep**! Didn't I just tell you somethin-"

"You gonna teach me a lesson Merle?"

"Come on woman, I'm on a tight schedule, gotta be back to the house before Andrea wakes up from her power nap."

"Then make it quick." She winks. With a roll of his eyes, Merle gives into her needs and gets in her face.

"Filthy! You a dirty **beep** of a creature and I can't stand yo guts... " He murmured the last part to Lori as she climaxed at his harsh words.

"Now can you please get inside the house?"

"Please?"

"Now woman!"

"Yes baby."

In the tent Michonne is still annoyed and isn't buying any of this. The gypsy woman leans forward, still covered by a mysterious hoddie and whispers something into the samurai's ear. Michonne has a frozen look on her face. "You believe me now warrior?" The woman stated.

"How the hell did you know that? No one knows that!"

"Meesh what did she say?"

Michonne storms out of the tent, as a worried Andrea gets up to follow her, but the gypsy woman speaks. "You must be aware of your surroundings, there are many secrets flooding the air...keep her safe." The gypsy woman finished ominously.

"Keep who safe, Meesh or my baby?"

"You will know which when another tries to steel her away."

Rick's confessional. "I from time to time visit the gypsy woman. On my latest visit I realized the future doesn't look to good for me."

"I see many things for you to come...but the first will be this...a past mistake will come back to haunt you."

"I've made a lot of mistakes..." Rick is shaken, "I'd have to be looking over my shoulder left and right."

"Rick you must ask yourself what type of man will you be when the time comes. The true essence of who you really are, will prevail."

Back at the house, Merle is trying to get Michonne to see reason about the gypsy woman. "I'm telling you Mi-chonne that damn woman is legit, she the one that told me I'd begin my love for a blonde, I was **beep**ing myself thinking it would be Andrea, but it was my daughter."

"Merle I really don't give a **beep**, okay? I need to find my sword. Quit **beep**ing talking to me." She walks off.

"Did the gypsy woman tell you when your **beep**y attitude would be fixed?!" He yells at the samari.

Daryl earlier in the day had also make a visit to the gypsy woman's mysterious tent. "I'm not done with you just yet young Dixon. Betrayal is headed your way, a false friend with show you true colors, it will be gruesome...and it will be soon."

Much later in the day, the prophecy starts to manifest. Lil Daryl comes rushing out of the house sensing his owner's impending danger. He howls into the air. The ground shakes as he stampedes towards the staircase but, lil' Daryl is drawn to the sound of singing outside, he runs back to follow the sound and sees a friendly face in Beth, who then pulls out a stake throwing it at his paws. The wolf devoured the meet before crashing to the ground.

"Dumb mutt, fell for the old pill in the stake."

Gareth comes up beside his beloved Beth. "Beth I'm starving you said I'd be able to get human organs, i'm not into animals...that's so gross and barbaric."

"I promised you I'd get you some human organs and I wont let you down, but the dog needed to be out of the way, he's very protective of his owner. Meet me back at the recovery house. But don't tell my damn daddy what we're doing."

"But Beth he guilt trips me with the bible."

"Garreth who are you more afraid of, my daddy or me?"

"You don't understand me, he highlights bible verses and leaves them in my room, its really creepy."

"Sweet innocent Beth was forced into this by her villainous boyfriend." Garreth looks at Beth with wild eyes as she starts to plead her imaginary case. "He made me do it, I didn't want to hurt Daryl, Rick do you really believe Hershel's little girl could do someone like this?" Gareth is stunned by Beth turning on the water works like a faucet.

"These people will know that you are lying, they know you."

"Do they? Or have I been a background character for years with little importance until now. Those people don't know me, but Daryl will, right before he dies. Listen Garreth, we're together and I'd do anything for you, why can't you see that?"

"You'd turn on me faster then my cousin, and he's a walker now."

"Its you and me forever, but if push comes to shove, the stronger of us, has to survive Gare bear."

Daryl wakes up in a strange bedroom feeling like he'd been drugged. Turning he feels a sharp sore pain and holds his side pulling back a bloodied hand. Beth's fingertips are soaked in red staining the pages of a medical book. He blacks out again then reawakens to see Beth holding an organ in her hands, a kidney, his kidney.

"Beth is that my kidney?"

"Maybe."

"It either is or it isn't. Put it back before I die, I need that to live."

"Than you'll die."

"After you got kidnapped I looked for you for like an entire 20 seconds. This is the thanks that I get?"

"Daryl you've made the mistake of thinking that I care about you. I don't."

Beth puts the kidney in an ice box for her precious Gareth and picks up her knife alarming the redneck.

Back at the walking dead house, Rick and Andrea are arguing again. Rick really had to mind himself, because he realizes the gypsy woman was right, a pass mistake had come back to haunt him.

"You **beep**ed up again Rick. You went half way, you can't be half hardcore, you either full badass or you're not!"

"... Lori's alive-" Rick said shaking his head with disbelief.

"Yeah Rick, like that kid you threw out of the prison, the Governor, Randell, ME! When you screw people over, and you let them go, they come back, and screw you even harder Rick! Do you not see the pattern yet?! Why can't you kill people right, if a dead brainless guy can do it, why can't you?!"

Andrea's confessional. "I listened to the gypsy woman, I was aware of my surroundings when I stalked Merle and found him hiding Lori. He fished her out of the damn hole and has been nursing her back to health ever since. What type of person does that?"

Michonne intercepts."Andrea leave him alone. Who gives a **beep** if Lori is still alive, at the most she's just a nuisance. Stop trying to find reasons to put Rick down, he's doing the best he can."

"Oh Meesh maybe you shouldn't talk."

"Why not?"

"Because your opinion doesn't count, your a masochist. You love people who hurt you, that's why you never turn against me, that's why you're in a relationship with _grab your wounded thigh_ Rick. You were happy when you were with Daryl but one traumatizing night and you took that as an opportunity to ditch him. You're sick."

"I am sick! Sick and tired of your **beep**! What do you want from me? You want me to say I'm a horrible person is that it? You want me to be more like you?"

"No Meesh you're still not getting it, you're a better person then most of us...but you don't love yourself."

"So are we letting Lori back in the damn house or not?" Merle yells. "This Ricki Lake beep is killing meh."

Andrea looks around the room and grabs a large vase, then picks it up throwing it at Merle who luckily dodges it. "If you're gonna **beep** her, you **beep** her in the woods where she **beep**ing belongs. You are not bringing her into this house near my little Meeshgunn."

"I never got a divorce from Lori, she is still my wife, she is Meeshgunn's step mother." Merle angrily yells as Andrea makes an animal like screech.

In the mist of all the annoying arguing Michonne looks out the window into the yard to see lil' Daryl whimpering. She bolts from the room as hardly anyone notices because their to busy fighting. Michonne approaches the direwolf on the ground with concern, "you okay boy? Are you hurt?" She asks as lil' Daryl just howls for his owner.

Rosita is in a bind because her job as a camera woman wont permit her to intervene, but she and Michonne had grown pretty close, and she had to tell her what she saw happen to Daryl. Rosita turns off her camera but a hidden one catches the interaction between the two woman.

"Michonne..." Rosita hands a gun to the woman along with some extra ammo. "Daryl's been kidnapped. I can't say to much but... you need to find him and fast."


	62. Chapter 62 Me and Mr Jones

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' Warning: Dark humour.  
**

**_Me and Mr. Jones_ **

Rick's confessional. "I spend a lot of time at the recovery home. I talk to Hershel and I've been growing a bountiful garden there. It's wonderful and no one messes with it, like the disrespectful **beep**s at the main house. All I do is garden here, I swear I don't do anything else." Rick nervously tilts his head and looks to his left.

Footage is shown of Rick up in a tree across from Morgan's bedroom window. Rick spies in on the man's private time, creepily watching his friend through binoculars. "That's it Morgan, lose those clothes...you're all hot and sweaty now aren't cha?" Rick giggles with excitement. "He's so beautiful, so crisp, so clear." He whispers like a hopeless love sick school boy, before wiping a bit of drool from his beard.

While inside the house, Daryl is holding in an extreme amount of pain with some slight flinches, as he's deliriously looking up at Michonne standing worriedly above him. Bob was also in the room stitching up Beth's initial incision. "How could they just leave you like this?" Michonne says angrily.

"This reminds me of old times 'Chonne, I'd get sick and you'd be pissed about it."

"Because you'd use your tongue to taste and test everything."

From all the loss of blood, secrets start flowing from the redneck. "I know I avoid women already, but I was avoiding you extra hard after our breakup, because you were the first person I'd ever been with." Bob chuckles as both Daryl and Michonne side eye him.

"And you didn't think to tell me that until now?"

"I was embarrassed I was like forty something-aint something you really wanna talk about, my life wasn't really that eventful before the turn."

"Is that why you always let me be on top?"

"Well that's how the pornos did it... was that wrong?"

"No Daryl... if I had known-"

"Naw, you would have been all gentle and **beep**, I mean... I liked it and... you. I like how you don't ask a lot o' questions and yah always just know... as long as you're ok, I'm fine. I never meant to hurt you by keepin' away from yah, just didn't know what to say. You mad at meh, right?"

"No." Michonne shakes her head as Daryl speaks again, he knows he isn't into making decisions but he'd got to make this one. "We gotta take em out...everybody who's a threat, I mean the only person we know for sure that's dead is The Governor."

"Is he? I know I was with him at Club Dead but I'm missing a lot from that night."

"Yea its probably best you don't remember."

"Why?"

"Well Chonne as a drunk you tend to get real..."

"REAL WHAT?"

"like sinister and **beep**, after you were done slicing up The Governor like a plate o' sushi...Rosita vomited for 30 minuets after watching the **beep** you did to him. Anyways, I swear you wanted to start torturing me too. I ran for my life that entire night, damn 'Chonne even when you drunk you aint no fun."

"I have inner demons okay."

"Well don't have inner demons and three _wheezing Patricks_!"

Rick's confessional. "I've made another transformation today...I'm Andrea now... just call me Rickdrea."

Rick walks in on Morgan while the man is peacefully resting in his bubble filled tub. Morgan jumps seeing Rick standing above him with a radio and a song playing. "You know Morgan...this song represents the thangs I'd like to do to you." He sets the radio down on the edge of the tub. Morgan tires not to move while starring up at Rick like the maniac he is.

Rick starts to sing and rolls his hips back and forth while ripping his shirt open. "Thanks for doing half the job for me..." Rick says as a specific part in the song starts to play and he sings along to it, "fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard," Rick dramatically drops his head to one side "surfboard." Morgan is shaking his head and calling out for help as Rick is singing over him.

Back in the other room and completely oblivious to Morgan's plight, Michonne is trying to help Daryl get justice for his missing organ.

"Daryl who did this to you?"

"It was Beth, she did this, for Garreth. He cute but he aint nothing to take an organ over."

Michonne gets up from the bed, on a mission to find Beth. She'll have to pay for this, regardless of Michonne's apprehension of killing someone from her group. Daryl stops her. "Before you go, your katana is in the corner of my room, I fixed it for you."

"You did? you fixed my katana...omg my god...the healing touch."

"I don't know what that means but I sharpened it up and its all shiney and new now. What's wrong, why you look so upset?"

"The gypsy woman said..."

"You talk to her too? wished I listened to her. She predicted this **beep** would happen to me, and before that she told me my soulmate had already slipped through my fingers. What the **beep** was I supposed to do with that information?"

At the walking head headquarters Joe has finally put himself to good use, and had taken up training to be a cameraman, in order to get closer to his son. He films Maggie as she's slaving away in the editing room for the latest episode.

Maggie's confessional. "Hello" She waves happily at Joe's camera. "My name is Margret Greene and I am the editor and censor for the Real World-Walking Dead. Today trainee Joe, is filming my reaction to some recent events." Maggie turns around and presses the pause button on her remote as Joe steps back to film both the monitor and Maggie.

On screen, Lil Daryl leads Michonne into Rick's garden at the recovery home. She looks into the recently disturbed dirt top see a head poking out from the ground.

"Beth?!"

"It buried me, help me Michonne... it wants to pee on my head... " Beth whimpered as the direwolf growled at her and lifted its leg, only for Beth to scream and startle it once more, she had been doing this for hours and the worms were beginning to find their way into her clothes.

"Beth how could you do that to Daryl?!"

"I was trying to feed Garreth. I was just trying to be like you Michonne, a good loyal lover."

"Beth you cut into Daryl and removed his kidney."

"Its not my fault my Garr-bear eats nothing but human. When we have lunch, I have the appetizer and he has the waiter, that's just how it goes."

Michonne moves to get her katana, but is only met with the empty opening of her sheath as a single tear falls down her cheek.

"Why are you crying, what are you doing?"

"I'm upset, because I don't have my katana to kill you the way I want."

As Michonne raises the gun to Beth's head Rick comes out and calls for her to stop.

"This isn't you Michonne, you shouldn't have to take out one of our own... let me do it-"

"Wait... what are you doing here? I thought you were at the house... " Michonne sadly looks away from Beth as Rick nods and turns towards Michonne, trying to distance themselves away from the blonde.

"Um guys... the dog-wolf thing is kicking dirt on me!" Beth cries out as dirt is flying into her face.

"You're innocent Michonne. I don't want this world to taint you."

"Rick, I've done things, my innocence... it can't come back... and you still haven't told me why you're here-

"Lets focus on the situation at hand... Beth tried to kill one of our own, we need to deal with this before anythang else."

"Maybe we should try something other than death... she's still a kid-she was probably forced into this, Garreth is sadistic. I just keep thinking about the fact that she's Hershel's daughter... "

"She stole Daryl's organ, left you and Andrea alone with that psycho pirate, and assaulted me! I don't want her in the house!"

"It was a kiss Rick-" Beth screams out from her burial, but Rick and Michonne don't notice her, and Rick continues to speak.

"She took advantage of me because of my age-if she wants a daddy, she'd better find Hershel, cause I aint no stand in!"

"Shoo-phah-bad boy! Leve-ugh, dirt in my mouth-helph!" Beth begins to toss her head around and spit out some more dirt, only her eyes, nose and mouth are still visible, but only for so long.

"If anyone should have a say in how we deal with her, it's her family and Daryl." Michonne says as the guilt of Hershel knowing about this plagues her.

"Well she put my loved ones in dander, family or not, she will pay for her crimes... no more soft **beep** Michonne, I wont let a potential danger just walk away! Not again!"

"She can't even walk Rick-look at her!" Michonne and Rick turn back to a large mound of dirt, with Beth nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, my god, the wolf buried Beth while we were talking, Rick we need to dig her out!" Michonne stops when Rick slowly takes her gun and presses it to the pile, before shooting off a single bullet into the dirt mound, causing a small stream of blood to gush out and trail by Rick's feet.

"Fertilizer." Rick whispers back at a nodding Michonne.

Maggie's hands have a tremble to them as she turns around looking completely enraged while Joe is still filming her. "You set me up to watch my own sister get murdered?" Maggie presses down on a red button as her A-team comes out. Glenn, Sasha, Tara, and even T-dog are all surrounding Joe. "Teach him a lesson, and teach him all the way!"


	63. Chapter 63 In Poor Taste

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Warning: Dark humor, if you don't like it skip to the next chapter. **

**In Poor Taste**

At the recovery home, Hershel is in his bedroom with the displeasure of having to talk to Joe, who initially just wanted to apologize for what he did to Maggie.

"Well at least you don't have to go to her funeral, seeing as she's already pushing daises under Rick's garden." Joe jokes not knowing that a service was being planned later on that day. Hershel is having a hard time looking at Joe, since it was clear Maggie and co. beat him like eggs for cake batter.

"You bastard, I swear to the lord-ugh, you almost made me take his good name in vain, just get away from me!" Hershel yelled at a still physically hurting Joe.

"You aint the only one who lost pets, your singing canary and my one eyed mongoose are both dead now... all I have left is my head rubbin' newt Shane..."

"... why do you equate us all to animals?" Hershel wonders.

"I see the world differently, where we can claim happiness despite our human like appearances... you know, I'm a father too... Daryl's my pup."

"Daryl's a little rough around the edges but he's a good kid... even if you didn't raise him."

"Wolves have no advantages in the human world, we get hunted and locked away in animal prisons... I wanted something better for my litter."

"Even though you are clearly insane, I guess you just wanted a good life for Daryl, but he still needed you... you're not a wolf, you're a man."

Joe laughed "you're real easy to talk to you one legged polar bear... maybe you should talk to Daryl for me... let him know he's loved."

"By you?"

"He's my pup but he's also got that walking pile of fecal matter."

"Rick?"

"That pouty house cat."

"Michonne."

"And that three legged pig who grunts a lot."

"You mean Merle?"

"Yup-" Joe is cut off by Rick's angry voice. The two hear him yelling from outside Hershel's open window.

"You can't put a grave marker here, it will clash with the _Kiss Me Over The Garden Gate_ flowers-get it out!"

Maggie angrily points at Rick. "You murdered my sister!"

"I'm surprised you didn't seek out Glenn before givin' a damn! She tried to kill Daryl and-"

Rick is cut off by Maggie punching him square in the face. He dropped onto his precocious flower bed as Joe looked out of the window and shouted down at them.

"You gonna teach him a lesson too, ground dove?!"

Maggie looked up at him, annoyed with her animal association. "What?-ouf!" Maggie was cut off by Rick kicking her in the crouch from his seated position before Maggie began to attack Rick. She doesn't know that Rick is Rickdrea now, and he fights dirty.

Hershel got up from his chair "This needs to stop... " He hobbled over towards the window and yelled down to his daughter. "Maggie... I need to tell you something!"

"What daddy?!" She yelled back as she gripped Rick's curls in her hand and he gripped her hair with his.

"Beth was adopted... from a woman named Rose Marry... she's not biologically your sister!"

Hershel's confessional. "Even though Beth wasn't biologically my child and she was literally the spawn of satin, I loved her as if she were my own. Even when she didn't drink her holey water and crawled on the walls. And ya can't just sprinkle the good lord's water on her, no, she needed to ingest it, the evil was that strong."

Maggie's confessional. "How did Andrea become so terrible? I don't get this, back at the farm she was pretty okay. I mean I couldn't trust her with my sister's life, but she was somewhat tolerable. But now...what is this? And what the heck is up with Rick? He's acting just like her. They came in matching red outfits, to my SISTER'S FUNERAL! He **beep**ing killed her, why was even there?"

The camera pans to Andrea is a bright red dress, seated behind a grieving Maggie and Hershel in the front row. Donning dark shades, she lounges back in her sat crossing a leg over the other, while popping some chewing gum. Rick is in an all red silk suit with a matching fedora, and cologne that you could smell for miles, he basically reeked of a cheap pimp. He sits behind Andrea and crosses his legs, in a similar fashion to how she'd crossed hers, before covering his blue stare with flashy leopard print eye wear.

Andrea looks over her shoulder at Rick. "Step back Rick, I'm here to get my Emmy. If no one gives a dam about my plays, I'm just gonna be an actress."

"Go for it girl, make this funeral worth wild before my cologne wears off."

Andrea in her red get up, stands in front of the more appropriately dressed housemates and staff, looking grim in black. Rick pops his collar as Michonne is starring at him like she wants to slap him.

Andrea waves at her little baby, dressed up as a musical note while she's being bounced in the lap of her loving father. "Everyone we are gathered here today, to celebrate the life of a beautiful and worthy woman, but first I gotta talk about this dead **beep** in the ground Beth." Michonne covers her face groaning. "Why is Andrea like this?"

Andrea decided it was time to put on a show. She throws herself on top of Beth's dirt mound. "She's dead! She can't be dead! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! She can't be! She just can't beeee!" Oh lord why have you taken the young? She had so much life to give, but the only thing she could provide was a note-off key but it had heart."

Rick raises his pimp cane, "here here! Preach it!"

Michonne angrily starts tapping her foot on the ground.

While on the ground Andrea is dramatically slamming her fists onto the dirt pile that Beth' body hadn't been fully submerged in. She fells something hard then claws at the dirt making everyone gasp in horror seeing the top of Beth's bloodied and mutilated head. "Opps!"

"Look she just gave us some head!" Abraham calls out as Michonne elbows him in his side.

"These things just come up Michonne just like the top of bet's skull, I can't help it."

"Try!" She screams at him.

Andrea walks from the dirt mount as Rick gets up, and starts to strut like a mother fucker with his pimp cane. He removes his fedora hat and presses it against his chest looking down at where he'd shot Beth yesterday. Rick doesn't even make a speech, he just came up there to show off his apparel. Standing there he poses with his pimp cane and changes poses every few seconds as if people are taking pictures. They're not.

Abraham looks at Michonne. "Look at Rick and his red tick tack shoes. Makes me feel like taking a breath mint."

Michonne laughs and instantly feels back about it, she catches herself quickly and slaps his chest. "Don't." She warns him about the jokes.

Out of nowhere Abraham belts out. "The man in the red shot her dead!"

Michonne bursts out in laughter. Hershel and Maggie look back at her making her uncomfortably clear her throat.

Abraham leans into her ear. "I'm sorry, It was a perfect opportunity I couldn't pass it up. Things like this only come once in a lifetime. Like Beth."

She shakes her head, "I can't believe your making me laugh at a funeral, thanks for making me look bad."

Abraham's confessional. "Look I'm not the bad guy for making fun of a man who wore full red to a funeral. Between the five second perm and that shiny ass red suit, he looks like a sweaty satin."

Rick returns back to his seat beside Michonne."I'm bored now. I can't believe I messed my damn perm for this, what's a pimp without his perm?"

"Rick you hair looks fine." Michonne says to pacify him.

"My hair aint got no bounce. How am I supposed to groove without no bounce?"

Abe cuts in. "Who the hell are you pimping anyways?"

"Life!" Rick replies.

Lori, seated next to her husband Merle, rolls her eyes looking like she'd rather but anywhere else. "Merle I really don't have the patience to be here, we could have done anything else today, why are we here? i want to leave."

"Lori would you shut your dam trap? We at a funeral, show some decency."

"Coming for a man who only came for the food."

"And speaking of food, when the hell we gon' get some? I'm **beep**ing hungry."

Rick is bored and wants to hurry the ceremony up, he's in a full silk suit and sweating bullets under it. He's already sweated out his perm, he can't loose the suit too. "Cooorrlll! Coooorrrlll." Rick turns around screaming for his son who was seated in the back with Sophia and Carol.

"Why are you always calling me like its a damn fire?!" The boy replies.

"Go up there and say samething, wasn't Beth your friend? Wait, Ford! You get up there and do it!"

Abraham sighs and gets up. He kicks some of the dirt to cover back up the remains of Beth's hair peeking through the soil. "I...Beth was...can we just have a moment of silence? And I'm gonna sit back down while we do this, I don't wanna stand here...she's rotting and I think I'm smelling something now." Abe goes to sit back next to Michonne as everyone lowers their head. Suddenly it starts to pour rain. As everyone jumps up, Rick is only concerned about his suit, its ruined now.

"My suit" he cries, "my perm, everythang is **beep**ed up now. Caroollll! Michonne! Everyone get in the car now! We're leaving!"

"Who cares about your suit what about my dress?" Andrea says while angrily getting drenched in the rain.

"Not to alarm everyone but the rain is washing away the dirt covering Beth's head, and her eyes are starring at us." Abraham announces.

"Ew Rick, why didn't you close her eyes after you shot her? Now all I can see are her eyes on me, through the pouring clear crystals of the rain."

"Merle that was pretty. Are you writing another piece of literature?" Rick mocks.

"No but they're like two milk blue orbs of death starring back at us" Merle clutches his baby, "Meeshgunn don't look!" Baby Meeshgunn is just pointing at Beth's dead head and laughing. Merle looks over to see Andrea doing the same thing.


	64. Chapter 64 December

****A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'****

_**December  
**_

At the Real World-Walking Dead headquarters Glenn approaches Maggie in attempt to comfort her. He was on camera duty the entire funeral, and hated that he couldn't be there for her. "Maggie are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"How can you be after what happened? I just came back from talking with Hershel, and he seemed just as nonchalant as you are. Is there something the two of you know that I don't?"

20 hours earlier.

In the middle of the night Rick returns to his garden, where Beth's funeral service had been prior. Coming out of the darkness the young blonde approaches Rick as he's digging up the skillfully done prosthetic head.

"Rick are you sure everybody thinks I'm dead?"

"Daryl, Michonne and I went along with your plan perfectly. The cameras caught everythang they thought was real. You taking Daryl's kidney, your death, your funeral."

"Thanks for acting like such a douche at my funeral." She says with sarcasm. "Was Andrea in on it too?"

"No she's just a horrible person. Besides I'm being blackmailed by you, the least I could do was have a little fun at your expense."

"Garreth and I wont be under the oppressive thumb of this house anymore, to run away with him is all I wanted. It had to be believable that you would kill me. I don't need the baby militia or Carol coming after us."

"Now that everyone thinks you're dead, you're free to do as you like. Hopefully that wont involve reneging on our little deal. And what did you have on Michonne and Daryl to make them go along with this?"

"You can talk Daryl into pretty much anything, and just utter the word _December_ to Michonne and watch her fluster."

Rick tilts his head with a raised eyebrow, as Beth hands him the negatives before leaving to say her goodbyes to Maggie and her father.

Back at the house, a shirtless Daryl is with Michonne, discussing something in whispers.

As Andrea comes into the room, she sees what the over head cameras cannot. There's no scar, so sigh that Daryl's kidney had been taken. She attempts to say something about it but Michonne cuts her off. "Andrea why don't you leave Daryl and I alone before you say something you might regret." Michonne's tone is an odd one to Andrea, its threatening and imposing. Andrea knows not to push and leaves.

Michonne resumes pretending to fix Daryl's bandage as he whispers. "Chonne, you never do anything wrong, how can Beth be blackmailing you?"

"This is not a time for questions _Durell_."

An entire day later, Rick is in the kitchen searching through drawers for no reason. Pulling out a single drawer Michonne comes strolling in as he's flicking around a few forks.

"Rick we need to talk."

"Yea lets talk about..._December_."

"..." She looks down at the ground.

"Michonne are we really going back to the days when I'd ask you questions and you'd say NOTHING?!"

"..." She looks to her left.

"Michonne what's _December?_" He asks tilting his head.

"I gotta find Carl." She deflects then rushes off.

"MICHONNE!" Rick pokes his head out from the kitchen archway, startling Abraham who was on his way in for a snack. "Abraham, what's_ December?_"

"Its a month." Abraham looks nervous.

"You know don't you! How do you know?"

"Well its a little thing called a calender and I look at it from time to time."

"Don't be a smart ass Ford!"

"I was in the middle of a very important power walk. I gotta finish it." Abraham takes off.

Rick shakes his head. "Alright, I'll go talk to Andrea then. I know she's got a big mouth. ANDREA!"

She pops into the kitchen. "NO!"

"You don't even know what I want yet."

"I wouldn't lift a finger to help you Rick, ever."

"What is _December_?"

Andrea starts laughing. "You know how Meesh is always a Debbie Downer, a stick in the mud, and a party pooper? Well she wasn't in _December_. Rick I'm in a good mood so I'll give you a little hint...sweater." she walks away.

Andrea's confessional. "_December_ happened the day Meesh and I returned to the house. Her and Rick were still on the outs, so to make her feel better, Abraham and I acted like it was Christmas. I made eggnog that I spiked with a ton of alcohol. I swear it was like watching a baby bird set flight. Rick missed the whole thing because he goes into sleep comas.

Footage is shown of sweater gate. Abraham is sitting on the couch next to Andrea as the two are watching a drunk Michonne parading around in a tank top and Rick's boxers.

"Michonne aren't you cold? You should put some clothes on." Abraham suggests.

Michonne points at Abraham and whispers. "Sweater." She then walks over to him and lifts his sweater ducking her head underneath it. Abraham is holding his hands up in shock, as she's moving her upper body along his chest. He carefully pulls his collar out and looks down at Michonne's cute kitten like stare.

"She's so cute" Abraham laughs and taps her on the nose with his finger. "Boop."

The redhead suddenly jumps screaming. "Ahhhhhh!** BEEP**!**" **

Andrea jumps, "What?"

"She just bit my **beep**ing nipple."

Abraham screams again as she's moving lower and Andrea looks slightly turned on. "Michonne not there! Not there!"

Present day, Garreth and Beth are still on the road. Beth had insisted that they dress up like Bonnie and Clyde. It took them a day to find all the right clothes, but in Beth's mind. It was worth it.

"Garreth I'm starving." She says with a slight rumble in her tummy.

"There was a man we passed a few miles back." He responds.

"There was a DEER a few miles back. We can eat that instead of an entire gross person."

"Beth what did I tell you before? I don't eat animals. You know before all this I was an active member of PETA! Its either tofu or humans but no animals. Slaughtering animals is the worst kind of murder, they can't protect themselves with their tiny animal limbs."

"I'm pretty sure a lot of the people you munch on would disagree."

"Beth, sweetheart, we have a week to get as far away from those people as possible, in case Rick rats us out we need a big enough lead, so that Carol and Co. don't catch us and bring us back."

"Fine but I'm cold." Beth then pulls out a large fur coat from the back seat startling Garreth. "What is that?" Beth! Beth, we have to bury it."

"We're not burying a perfectly good fur coat Garreth. I burn down houses for no reason, not fashion."

"We have to get you something that isn't an insult to everything I stand for. No wool, silk, leather, and especially fur. The only good thing about the turn is that endangered animals can finally get some peace."

"Garreth that literally leaves only latex."

"It can work."

"We're not wearing gimp suits again. Maybe we can make a paper bag dress?"

"Paper comes from tress."

"Oh come on!" Beth whines removing the fur coat and tossing it in the back seat.

The car comes to a full stop as both happily scream. "It's a Bunny!" Beth gets out with a song, luring the small fluffy animal towards her. Gareth snatches it up and pets it with affection that makes Beth smile.

"Look at this sweet bunny, we'll put him in the trunk next to the fox and the porcupine. I think I hear them kicking around in there, maybe they want another friend."

"Garreth this isn't Noah's Ark. We have to stop collecting every stray animal we see and stuffing them in the trunk. And don't get attached they'll be food later."

"I swear if I had my red paint right now I'd-"

"You'd what?" Beth sets her hands on her hips awaiting his answer.

"Just be glad you're not wearing that fur coat anymore."

"I'm gonna put it back on." Beth threatens.

"I'll cut open a walker and dunce you in its blood."

"That's great! Then I can walk through a herd and leave you and the bunny here, to collect all your forest friends and live happily ever after."

Gareth holds up the bunny and speaks for it in a little voice. "We wouldn't be complete without you."

"Aw Garebear."

"And speaking of bear-'

"We're not going back and getting that baby bear, its mother was near by. I'm not letting you die and leave me alone in this world, especially not with a trunk full of loud animals." They both get back into the car, with their little pets in toe, and drive off into the sunset.

Additional footage of sweater gate is shown. Even in her drunken state Michonne still had Rick on the Brain. On the woman's pilgrimage for clothes to warm her half covered body, Michonne stumbled up to Rick's room to take his sweater. She opened the door to see Carl sitting beside his passed out father, in the dimly lit room.

Michonne looked at Rick's bare upper half, only slightly covered by his blanket. "Rick doesn't have a sweater?" Michonne pouts.

Carl shook his head as Michonne looked at the sleeves of the sweater she'd forcefully taken from Abraham, then walked over to Rick and looked back at Carl.

"Don't worry sweetheart, I'll keep Rick warm with my sweaters." She had another sweater on underneath, that she'd taken from Andrea, again with force.

Carl smiled and left Michonne to wrap her arms around the unconscious leader, to give him warmth. "We can share our sweaters." She smiled at his peaceful face before dozing off.

The footage changes to present day in the house, where Michonne is talking with Rick about_ December._

"I hate my sleep comas, I'm never awake for the good stuff." Rick sulks the continues. "But if all that happened was you getting drunk, frisky, and snatching sweaters, why were you so secretive?"

"Well...I may have said some inappropriate things to Abraham."

"Like what?"

Andrea's confessional. Andrea pulls out two sheets of paper along with some reading glasses. She clears her throat reciting some of the more PG lines from drunk Michonne. "Mmm a handlebar mustache, can I hold on and ride your face?" Andrea flips to the back of page two. Only that one statement was written in black while everything else was written in red symbolizing that they were to dirty to read. Andrea hands the sheets of paper to Glenn. "Will anything in red get beeped?"

Glenn is blushing reading over the endless stream of red ink. "This entire thing will get beeped." Glenn squints continuing to read with his mouth wide open. "Can't believe Michonne said all this...oh and you wrote in green for the actions-oh my god!"

"You should read them to Maggie, it might cheer her up since she just lost Beth."

"Andrea they didn't tell you about the plan? Beth didn't die she just left with Garreth."

Andrea stands up angrily, "those **beep**s and their inner **beep**ing circle never tell me **beep**! I wore my best dress for nothing! And it got ruined in the rain!"

A/N: I do not own or share association with PETA, just ask Garreth.


	65. Chapter 65 Parenting in the Apocalypse

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**Parenting in the Apocalypse**_

Rick is looking perplexed as he's in Andrea's bedroom. "So she just crawls around everywhere? Does Meeshgunn even have a crib?"

"No, cribs are for weak babies!" Andrea snaps at Rick who's shaking his head with disapproval.

"Meeshgunn, if you want a bed you have to make one for yourself!" The blonde yells down to her child, as the baby crawls off. Meeshgunn collects old clothes and pillows in her small baby mouth, before putting them in a pile and sitting on them.

"Yes Meeshgunn, that's my survivalist baby!"

Merle's confessional. "Andrea and I may fight about a lotta things, but we aint ever fought about how we choose to bring up our child. Meeshgunn is Andrea, hell she's me too, so that means she gotta be crazy and strong."

Andrea comes up to Merle. "Merle its time to feed the baby."

"Fine I'll get the squirrel." Merle reaches into a crate of live squirrels, racoons, and a few bunnies. He picks out a feisty little squirrel and tapes of bottle of baby food on its back. "Andrea are all the windows and doors closed, I aint losing another squirrel, just because the runt is a little sluggish today."

Andrea leaves to check the doors and windows. She closes a few before yelling to Merle. "They're closed, let it go!"

Merle tosses the squirrel towards the infant before it scurries in the opposite direction in fear, as the baby rushes after it with a quick crawl.

Merle's confessional. "Meeshgunn is old enough to crawl after a healthy squirrel. We used to make em limp around so that she can catch em quicker, but she's a Dixon, she's growing strong. Tomorrow we gon' give her her first weapon so that she can kill the little rascals from afar. I already made this for her birthday it a crossbow, bayonet tipped, shot gun, its really small to accommodate her little baby hands. And if she nibbles on this little part here, flesh eating poison sprays out from the tip. Its perfect just like my baby."

"I don't know why you made that contraption. I already have a mini katana for her." Andrea says while arguing with Merle.

"You need mobility and training for a katana, she can't crawl and use a katana, she'll be at a disadvantage. Dixons are inventors, we make weapons and we use them to survive, we aint giving her a pig sticker."

"But her namesake uses the katana."

"So you want her to carry around two toddler walkers too, she aint Michonne, she's Meeshgunn!"

Daryl comes by looking sleepy. The arguing between Merle and Andrea took him out of his hunter's nap. "Maybe y'all should place the weapons in front of her and see which one she wants. That's the Dixon way."

After placing both weapons the the ground, the three stand aside as Andrea is coaching her baby, to choose her accessory. The baby looks at both weapons before crawling towards them. She picks up Merle's weapon first, then her mother's choice before standing up and holding them in the air.

"She choose both. That aint never happen before." Daryl says.

"Wha-ebber!" The baby babbles.

"Yep, she a Dixon alright." He laughs.

Lori comes into the room breaking up the family moment. "That squirrel is still running around this house-"

Andrea cuts Lori off directing her attention to her daughter. "Meeshgunn what do we say to the brunette lady?"

The baby giggles then shouts, "Whorbe!"

Merle whips his head around. "You can't teach our baby to insult Lori. I will not have my child disrespecting her."

"She will only respect three people, me, Meesh and herself."

"You aint gon' teach my baby your man hating ways."

"I don't hate men, they just annoy me."

Later on in the day, Merle is teaching Meeshgunn code names for the survivors. He holds up a picture of Daryl. "Who's this Meeshgunn?"

"Unkel."

He then holds up a picture of Rick. "And who's this?"

The baby takes the picture of Rick and puts it in her diaper. Merle hears his baby straining before he smells a horrible stench. "You took a literal dump on Rick's face, yo momma taught you that didn't she?" Meeshgunn starts clapping her little hands. Merle leans back calling out to Andrea. "Andrea come change Meeshgunn's diaper."

"I hope you didn't show her that picture of Rick, were running out."

Carl is carrying Meeshgunn around as the baby begins to speak to him. "Carel, you nott bilforph diz worl."

"Meeshgunn did you just say I'm not built for this world?"

"I bedder baby zen ui were Carel, I bedder surbiber than yeu Carbel, I bezzer man den ywu Carbel!" The baby then starts rubbing her head profusely before spiting up on Carl's shirt.

Andrea comes by and takes her daughter from Carl. "Don't tell Merle this happened. I just let Shane babysit Meeshgunn from time to time so she picks up his mannerisms. You're lucky I got here in time, she was just about to go full Shane on you." Carl then looks at the baby glaring at him, holding her mini katana and belting out the words "yeu libble bish!"

Daryl's confessional. "Is it wrong that I love it when Meeshgunn curses? Its so **beep**ing cute and seeing as she's saying it in her baby language Maggie can't censor it, ima teach her some more curses."

Daryl is on the floor of Andrea's bedroom as the baby is laying on her pile of clothes and pillows.

"Repeat after me...**beep**er."

"Flucker."

"Alright now,** beep**y."

"Rick."

"Naw I said **beep**y."

"Rick."

"Naw...**beep**y **beep**y **beep**y!"

Rick walks by the room hearing Daryl's onslaught of absentees at the baby. "Daryl what are you doing?"

The baby then points to Rick. "Puzzy."

"Daryl why did you teach the baby to call me that?"

"Naw she did it on her own. I swear I would never do that to you."

"Rick iza puzzy! Puzzyy! Puzzy!"

Rick shakes his head and walks away.

"She setting me up, Rick!"

Rick's confessional. "I'm really starting to doubt Daryl's morality, I mean you can't just walk in on a grown man, teaching a baby the word for a woman's vaginal regions and trying to associate them to me. Part of me wants to take care of baby Meeshgunn...that's a horrible name by the way."

Andrea's confessional. "Rick said what about my baby's name?"

Even later in the day, a walker breech has everyone on alert. Everyone is running around including Rick who looks back at a baby-less Andrea. "Where's your child Andrea?!" Rick gets in her face as Andrea shrugs.

"In the garbage-"

"What?!"

"Cool it **beep**y, let me explain... the smell will camouflage her scent from walkers and she's in a large metal can... she's safe there. Gosh, you guys act like I'm a bad mother."

Rick swiveled his head towards the side, holding his hips. He must have gone insane because that made perfect sense to him. "Alright well... just get her already, the walkers are gone-"

"About that... she kind of crawled out a while ago and I can't find her-but I'm sure she'll turn up soon, she always does."

"I'll help you look for her." Rick walked past her as Andrea called out to him.

"Wait, you're not mad at me... ?"

"If I blew my top every time you pissed me off, I'd be dead from an aneurysm by now... come on, lets go." Rick said, waving his gun towards the ground to emphasize his point. Andrea crossed her arms behind her head before following the leader, to look for her child.

After a few minutes of searching around the house, calling for the baby at the top of their lungs and gutting a few walker bellies-just to be sure, the pair was both exhausted and looking for an outlet to make up for their short comings, in finding the baby.

"This is all your fault!" Rick suddenly turns around and berates the careless mother as she shrugs. "Yeah, I know."

"..."

"Don't know what to say now huh? You were right and I was wrong... you like that Rick, don't you... being right."

Rick looks around in confusion then nervously looks at the floor. "I honestly don't understand you... what's your angle? Why do you do the things you do? Why do you hate me so damn much?"

"Most of the time you're just an outlet for me. I get mad at you because I'm really frustrated about a lot of things, I mean I do hold a lot of resentment towards you but I'm learning to let those things go."

"What are you frustrated about?"

'Ew Rick, we're not that close, if I wanted girl talk I'd go to Meesh not you. Who the **beep** do you think I am?"

Rick sighs in frustration, then he sees a flash of yellow pass by the outside of the window. Rick rushes outside along with Andrea. "You go left, I go right!" Andrea shouts before going the wrong way, forcing Rick to go look behind the house instead. He sees a large gaping hole in the back to the brick wall and pinches his nose in frustration.

"How did nobody notice a large gaping hole in the back of our house?! Its like the prison all over again." Distracted by the hole, Rick did not see the walker clambering behind him. "**Beep**!" He trips backwards, dropping his gun behind him, as he tries to scramble away from the walker. He suddenly hears his gun clicking and looks back in bewilderment to find Meeshgunn on wobbly legs, as she stands up with Rick's gun, shooting the walker down but falling on her butt from the recoil.

Rick takes the gun back and shoots the other walker before looking back at the pouting baby.

"Uh... thank you?"

"Neber let garb down." She babels and waddles away feeling complete superiority over him.

Rick's confessional. "I think Andrea and I did some bonding tonight, it was kind of nice."

"I wasn't mean to you for no reason, I was just in excreting pain and you just happened to be there. I shoved a mini gun up my **beep**y so Meeshgunn could get used to them in her last trimester. She kept firing off bebe-gun pellets in my womb so it's a little shot up right now."

"Other than that being the stupidest thang I've ever heard... what about before you got pregnant?"

"You were a man in power, why wouldn't I hate you-"

"I thought you said I didn't have any power... somethang about the Governor's dick drippin' with power." He corrected her as she crossed her arms in anger; she didn't like being outsmarted.

"Well you were in Michonne, so she must have transferred her power to you-"

"That's not how it works Andrea."

"I don't know how a lot of stuff works... I tired to make my baby half mine and half Michonne, but I didn't get a mocha baby, I got full cream instead. If only I could combine my eggs with Michonne's in order to make the perfect baby." Andrea then sighs sadly. "I really did love Meesh, I hate what I let happen to her yesterday."

Rick is worried because he too, hasn't seen Michonne in a few days.

"What did you let happen to her?" He asks trying not to get too angry at the blonde.

"Well...Abraham and Rosita kinda... kidnapped her...something about Washington."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh Rick are those veins I see popping out in your neck, you must be real mad huh?"


	66. Chapter 66 The Clip Show

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**_The Clip Show_**

**Therapy with Sasha**

Merle's confessional. "This whole therapy thing was supposed to be a ruse, so that Durell could get some time with Sasha. But he's actually taking this **beep** seriously. I think he's gonna scare her off. Well baby brother, ya can't say I never tried to help ya."

Daryl and Merle are seated in front of an analyzing Sasha. "So how did being forced to turn tricks make you feel Daryl?" She asks with sympathy.

"Like used...but like, not really because I never got a client. They said some **beep** about me looking cute from afar... but when they got closer, they just went to the other hooker-like I wasn't even there! Don't waste my time coming to my corner, just to tell me...oh never mind."

Sasha directs her attention to Merle. "And Merle how did that experience impact you?-Since you were the reason Daryl was forced to turn tricks."

"I tried to get him out of that! After I acquired enough money, I disguised myself as a john and purchased Daryl for a very high price, but he can't take CUES so when I told him to make a run for it, he **beep**ing just stood there like an idiot, and his pimp caught up to us."

Daryl is growing more upset. "Why'd you have to give one of dem hookers an IOU? I was traumatized for months. Stop being **beep**ing cheep! I always gotta pay for your mistakes-literally!"

"Aint nobody even touched you!" The older brother yells at the little brother.

"Yea because they all said I was ugly!" Daryl sniffles.

"You aint ugly, you were just a guy, they wanted a woman." Merle tries to comfort his brother while Sasha passes the crying Dixon a tissue.

Daryl wipes his eyes shaking his head. "The most popular one there was a guy. His name was Sweet Bubble Gum because he could make anyone pop. He took me under his wing, when you weren't there!"

"So you really gon' put a man in a candy pink wig before your own brother? Durell we blood!"

"You put an IOU for a BJ, in exchange for your own brother!"

Sasha intervenes. "So Daryl, how do you think that experience affects the way you related to people now?"

Merle's confessional. "That damn Sasha! Why does she have to make this so real. She making me feel bad again, I didn't want them pimps to take Daryl, but it was either him or my legs, and high heels hurt so I couldn't be a proper trick. Daryl had to take one for the team."

**True Dead Blood**

Rick comes over to Andrea, who's with Merle in the mist of writing another salacious piece of literature.

"You writing another story Merle?" Rick asks curiously.

"Its about a waitress in a podunk town...maybe Louisiana. And she encounters her very first vampire. He's a lustful brute thrusting for dark flesh."

"So I'm the lustful brute? Since I'm guessing Michonne is the waitress." Rick inquired, trying to understand Merle's bizarre imagination.

"Hell naw! You the timid bar owner who not man enough to tell her how you feel, so you shift into small animals and look up her skirt. So if a mouse runs between her legs, that's your appearance in the story."

"So who's the lustful brute?" Ricks asks.

Merle grunts. "Me."

"You don't even like Michonne."

"You don't know what I like!"

Merle starts to write. "In the deep south of Louisiana, a spunky yet naive waitress, in green mini skirt and a tight white top, comes out with a little shimmy in her hips trying to earn her tips. 'Drinks are on me!' The woman said before pouring cold water on her bra-less chest. 'Who wants me to ring my shirt out in there cup?' She giggles, 'its like a sample.' She bounces up and down like a bunny.

Rick stops Merle. "This is very out of character for Michonne...you're making her into some bimbo."

"She's like this in our fantasies Rick." Andrea yells then clears her throat, settling herself as Merle continues to take pen to paper.

"A mysterious man, standing tall with a deep southern drawl, glides into the bar, startling the waitress and putting fear into all the innocent humans at the bar; who were trying to enjoy the show Mi-chonne was putting on."

Andrea is nodding her head and nudging for him to continue.

"Merle Compton takes a seat as Michonne is too ditzy to realize he's a dangerous man. She skips to the vamper as Rick, the bar owner tries to stop her. 'Hey he a vampire, he dangerous, OK you're just gonna leave anyways, that's fine, that's alright.' Rick Merlotte runs off, then a mouse scurries out and looks up Mi-chonne's skirt before scurrying away again."

Rick's deep sigh stops Merle's writing process. "Do you guys hate me?"

Merle shakes his head. "This highlights your timid nature around woman. You either learn to talk to them, or you leave them alone."

Rick stays in the room to monitor the story as Merle starts to write again.

"I would like a bottle of your finest True Dead blood." Merle says shifting to a more dated accent.

"What? You're a vampire oh myyyy." The woman hiccups. "I've never entertained a vampire before, or any man for that matter." Merle giggles in a girlie voice and continues to verbalize more of his story while he writes.

"I'm aware. I can smell your innocence from here...Ms Mi-chonne Stackhouse."

Rick shakes his head releasing a deep aggravated sigh. "This has to stop. Merle you've got to stop."

"Shut up Rick and listen, he's about to seal the deal."

"Merle if you do this you wont be able to come back from this!" Rick warns.

Merle looks at Rick then down at his paper as he writes and narrates with sex dripping from his lips. "He's got her alone now and all to himself in the middle of the woods...I want to see all of you, he tells her...every little inch, yea that's right nice and slow for daddy, the vampire says watching her slowly strip. You something I never had before, you got that Samurai faerie blood in you, the vamer says starring into the deep pools of her perked nipples." Merle laughs.

Rick slaps the note pad away from Merle and steadily presses his gun against the older Dixon's temple. Andrea picks up Merle's notepad and pen and crosses her legs thinking up something to write. "The waitress lays on the ground as the head of Andrea Northman snacks between the trembling thighs of her innocent prey, licking at juices never released before-"

"Andrea!" Rick screams shocking her out of her smutty trance.

**A Call to Action  
**

The house is in a state of wreckage as Beth maneuvers around shattered glass, blood on the ground, empty liquor bottles, and destroyed furniture. She regrettably didn't get as drunk or as angry as her now passed out housemates.

Footage from just a few hours earlier is shown. The camera follows Daryl as he's walking back into the house. He sees empty bottles of moonshine leading through the hall and follows to trail to Beth's bedroom. Beth is crying over even more empty bottles surrounding her on her bed.

"Beth what the hell you doing drinking?"

"Daryl, I'm not drunk. I've finish eighteen bottles already and I'm still sober as a baby outta da womb."

"What chew saying? You immune or somethin'?" Daryl slurs.

"Yes!" She cries as Daryl scratches the back of his head.

"All I wanted was a drink, but the drinks...they don't want me back!"

In the present moment, Beth walks around the house while mostly everyone was incapacitated. She notices numerous moans and banging against the windows as Rick points to them and yells "the strippers are finally here!" He stumbles towards the door as Beth follows, trying to see past Rick. Once Rick had opened the door, a hand swipes at him before she pulls him away and kicks the door shut.

"You a party popper, you just mad because they don't want you-" Rick slurs and falls onto the ground.

"What the **beep** Rick-it's a walker herd -Michonne! Daryl!" Beth screams out as one of the windows begin to fracture. Tears of fear and frustration build in her eyes as the door and windows begin to crack from the pressure of the walkers.

"We're all gonna **beep**ing Dieee!" Beth screeches as she tries to push a couch with a dead drunk Lori on it, against the cracking door. Beth takes one last swig of alcohol, hoping that she would go out drunk and fighting, but the hungry groans of walkers makes her run into the kitchen and around the house, collecting every weapon that she could find, as well as turning off the lights.

Beth has a machine gun pointed towards the door while she waits for the walkers, who where tearing away at it from the other side... the only thing stopping them was a couch, and hopefully Lori's body.

As a walker's hand smashes through the window, Beth rushes to Michonne's sword, messily hacking the hands off before stabbing at the walkers through the hole in the window.

"No, Nooo, No give it the **beep** back you **beep**ers!" Beth screams as the sword is yanked back through the window, and a walker stumbles off into the herd with the katana stuck in it's shoulder.

The door begins to break down. Splinters rain down on Lori's body. Beth runs to the machine gun and points it towards the door again. "Bring it the **beep** on!" She yells accidentally letting off a shot and taking out a camera.

A few minuets earlier in time, at the Walking Dead Headquarters, Lilly and Martinez watch the monitor showing a live feed to the action in the house. Sasha is strolling through the halls, hearing the two laughing in T-dog's office. She is instantly annoyed since no one but T-dog and Dale were aloud to be in there. Sasha swings the door open and looks at the monitor seeing complete chaos. "What the hell is going on at the house?" Sasha shouts, fumbling with her walkie talkie.

"We wanted some action at the house, so we told the Terminus guards to take the night off and we... kind of tore the fences surrounding the house down."

"You fucking idiots, you're going to kill everyone there. The entire house was getting plastered last time I checked on them, you really think any of them has the ability to fight off a herd?!" Sasha panics looking at the screen seeing Beth, with guns blazing.

Martinez Laughs. "They're survives, lets see how they can get themselves out of this one."

Sasha screams in frustration as she rushes out of the room and sees Carol randomly stabbing at the walls with her knife. "Carol, you and the baby militia get the Terminus guards back to work now. There's trouble at the house, code fucking red!"

**Funeral Award Show**

"And the award for the last blue eyed, blond female standing goes to... " Rick reads off a small card over Beth's grave before he looks at Merle. "Drum roll please." With an apologetic shrug to the Greene family, Merle begins to pound on his belly to simulate a beat.

"Andrea!" Grimes says as the woman stands up and fans the tears in her eyes.

"Oh my god this is a complete surprises to me!" Andrea gets the speech from the bra of her red dress and runs up to Rick, she gives him a quick hug before Carol presents her with a bouquet of flowers.

"The flowers were provided for by Rick's garden-It aint no Eden but it's the best garden on earth." Rick sponsors his own garden from the side lines.

Andrea's confessional "Well, in order to make the loss of our loved ones less, well sad, Rick and I decided to give out awards for living... if it were just last blued eyed female alive, Carol would have taken my award so I had to tweak it a bit."

Rick continues to read from a card. "This is her fourth nomination after Carol and Lori faked their deaths... and left the group... and Amy died and Andrea's first win, give it up to our last blonde standing, Andrea!"

Andrea wipes tears from her eyes and smiles at Maggie and Hershel, who were crying due to this shame of a funeral, but she decided that they were crying for her outstanding win.

"I'd like to thank my rock, Meeshgunn...MEESHGUNN WAVE, WAVE AT MOMMY!" She shrilled out making her daughter laugh and wave at the unhinged woman.

"I'd also like to thank Michonne, because without her.. I'd be dead instead of Beth. Meesh, without you, I wouldn't have had anyone to emotionally exploit with my guilt trips... you have helped me hone my craft."

"Finally I'd like to thank Rick for like, leading us places. Merle for your frothing seed that made my Meeshgunn and Beth... for kicking the bucket."

Andrea looks down at the grave maker.

"She's booty popping in the underworld now... show them what you don't got girl."

"...Oh and god for like creating us or evolution... whatever... yeah." Andrea hold up her trophy as Rick takes her place.

"Andrea everyone, lets all give her a round of applause."


	67. Chapter 67 The Lost Episode

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**The Lost Episode (Family Dinner)**

Carl's confessional. "We're having a family dinner, so I invited Shane and Big teddy T bear Ty over, along with Sophia. They're my people and I'm at ease around them. Oh and my mom's also here."

Carl is seated at the table when Lori asks him to say grace. Carl clears his throat as the rhythm and rhyme within the boy, nourished by Shane and Tyreese just can't be contained anymore. He doesn't say the traditional grace but does something, from his core. He's saying grace to all his haters. "I'm seated here, to give my hater's grace, cause when I'm done with em, they wont be able to save face-I was taken from the light to the dark, haven b**ches pusin' daisis like my name was central park!" Carl stands up. "I'm here to pray over my mama's food, while my boy big T's bout to slap a dude. My friend mother, like no other in the covers put it down on my daddy, she's a bonafide lover-"

"Dammit Carl, just say amen!" Rick said as Michonne began to slink down int her seat.

Carl attempts to continue his rhyme but angers Rick, who is insecure because he's got no rhythm. "Carl you will not continue to freestyle at the damn dinner table. Just because Shane and Tyreese..."

"Rick its Big Teddy T Bear." Tyreese corrects.

"I'm sorry Big Teddy T Bear are here, don't mean you gotta show off!"

"Before I sit I'd like to pour out a drink for my homes who aint here no more." Carl says sadly.

"Carl sit down." Michonne orders as he listens to his friend-mother and sits quietly. Carl is sulking in his seat as Michonne sighs. "Carl-"

"Michonne this could be fun, everyone can join in. "I'll start us off."

Carl looks over at Sophia who starts to bang on the table. Rick pinches the bridge of his nose as Shane and Tyresse are nodding to the beat. And everyone else is just concerned about being quick on their feet.

Rick's confessional. "So not only does my son want to embarrass me, he wants to do it in front of Shane, my ex wife, my new wife, his girlfriend Sophia, a red bastard I don't really like, and the somewhat loyal members of my group. I should of spanked him when I had the chance."

"I used to be afraid to win." Carl raps.

"Its cold outside and I'm beginning again." Michonne adds to encourage Carl's wish.

"Its dark outside and I'm afraid of the night." Andrea adds happily.

"Its like and all I wanna do is mother **beep**ing FIGHT!" Abraham yells.

Merle chimes in. "If I were the leader of the group, I would never leave a brother on the roof."

Shane follows after. "Never tell a man to yield, never lead lead him out into an open field."

Daryl laughs then adds. "Never have to play second fiddle, who we talking bout Rick? Can you even solve the riddle." Daryl's intention with the line was loads more playful then his brother's.

Michonne gets up from her seat as its obvious Rick has to go next. She stands behind him rubbing his shoulders with encouragement. "Rick you don't have to do it...but if your gonna do this, you do it right."

Rick is nodding his head gripping the edge of the table, he's pumping himself up while Lori is looking at him like he's nothing. "I see you bring up every single one of my mistakes, but you still follow my lead, so all yal **beep**ing fakes. I'm the happiest that I've ever been, I get to live in a world full of sin. I used to be scared of the phones but now I'm legendary with Michonne. I aint the good guy no more, so if ya don't like what I'm doing there's the door. And I'd like to end if all with a diss...Merle your just mad cause you cant do this." Rick then obnoxiously starts to clap his hands before dropping the napkin and walks off with Michonne in hand because he'd ready to go off.

Michonne's confessional. "Rick did it. He did IT! YES!"

"Carl's confessional. "Looks like I'm not ready to take over the pride. But dad..." Carl leans into the camera, "I'm still coming for you. And my friend-mother too."

"What? Michonne too? What does that even mean?" Glenn asks from behind the camera.

"You figure it out." Carl then leaves the confessional room as Glenn sighs. "I'm really over being a camera man."

Michonne is upstairs with Rick as she's all riled up by her husband finally putting his group in place. "Do you have any idea what I wanna do with you right now?" She shoves him to a seated position on his bed then slowly straddles his lap, as he grips her hips.

"I might have an idea."

"Good, meet me outside." She gets up.

Michonne's confessional. "I like danger." She laughs.

Michonne and Rick are in a car racing down the road at top speed. Rick grips anything he can hold onto while in the car, looking completely terrified. "Michonne slow down! MICHONNE!"

The Samurai screams with excitement as the car manages to move even faster, burring rubber down the road. She grabs the steering wheel and feels the car drifting, the wheels screeching over Rick's terrified wail.

Rick's confessional. "I thought I was getting sex not some thrill ride. This was not the thrill ride I wanted."

Rick uncomfortable with the feel of impending death, tries to reason with Michonne. "Michonne I have a son! Think of Carl! He can't loose the two of us!"

"Woohoooo!" The Samurai screams as the car is spinning in circles. She speeds back drown the road then releases her hands from the wheel with the freeing feel of being near death taking her over, while Rick is on the verge of tears. "MICHONNEEEEE!"

Rick's confessional. "I saw my life flash before my eyes...so many times."

Michonne's confessional. "My life was flashing before my eyes and it felt so exhilarating."

The car comes to a screeching halt as Rick and Michonne brace themselves during the impact. Rick is clutching his heart as Michonne appears to be coming down from an intense high. "Michonne...everything could have been lost because you felt the need to be a reckless drag racer! I'm too old for this Michonne, YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED ME!

Michonne looks at him in all seriousness. "But did you die?"

* * *

"Good evening, my name is Rick Grimes and I am the leader of this group." Rick says before pacing around a small room in front of a fire place. "Now we've all shared some laughs, but now it's time to talk about a serious matter." Rick motions towards someone off screen as Carl walks up to him and stands before the camera.

"This here is Carl Grimes... he's a child in our group and is suffering from narcissism and teen angst. With your generous review we can feed kids like him and keep our people alive... one review will give him a meal and two... well, he'll be able to eat for a week." Rick nudges Carl.

"Please don't let me starve." Rick is giving Carl a thumbs up off screen before he picks up an angry Meeshgunn.

"This here is Meeshgunn, she's the baby of our group and the most venerable-ah Meeshgunn, no knives!" Rick almost drops the baby, as the small blonde felt insulted by Rick's description of her and decided to pull a knife out of her diaper.

Rick places the girl down and continues to look into Glenn's camera. "Her mother is a drunk, violent lady of the night and her daddy..." The camera roams over to a disgruntled Merle.

"Say your line." Rick urges as Merle shakes his head.

"I aint beggin' for reviews Rick, have some self respect man-"

"You think this is easy for me, you want in on this group, you will take part in this! Do it for the kids Merle!"

The redneck rolls his eyes, then reads the que card. "Wif your input on the content of our show, my baby can eat and the leader's boy wont starve..." Merle adds in a bit of his own input. "Despite us having food, water and electricity!"

The camera cuts off, then its suddenly back on and Rick who is standing by a sad Carl and Meeshgunn, as the song, in the arms of a walker begins to play in the background.

"...and cut!" Glenn shouts as everyone sighs and Carl takes a candy bar out of his pocket. "Stop eating all the candy Carl-"

"Calm down dad, we have a whole box of this down stairs in the kitchen."


	68. Chapter 68 Horn dog Abe and Racist Joe

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Warning: Irrational behavior and animal references. P.S. Bullying is wrong!  
**

**Previously On the Real World-Walking Dead**

Glenn is snacking on a twinkie as his camera is aimed at the ground. Its a brief moment of sweet peace before he hears arguing followed by a slew of profanities and Rosita screaming in Spanish. "Can't we have one good day?" Glenn sighs as lifts his camera running into the house. He films as Rosita is storming off and Michonne is angrily shaking her head at Abraham. "Abraham how could you do something like this?"

"It was an accident." The red head says to Michonne.

"So it was an accident to **beep** Andrea."

"Ew!" Glenn screams alarmed by the revelation of Abraham's disgraceful act. Abraham looks over his shoulder at the cameraman, "really, you too?" He shouts back towards a disgusted Glenn.

Michonne walks away as Abraham angrily heads into the kitchen and throws around condiments in his attempt, at making a sandwich. Being stressed makes him hungry. Rick and Andrea, the terrible duo, arrive in the kitchen to preform some heinous tag team bullying on the redhead.

Rick makes himself some tea so that he can have a reason to be there, as Andrea is taking Abraham's mustard; just took that thing for no reason. Rick decided to remove the bottle of pickles from the redhead. "I don't want you touching any of the food, you might still have Andrea's love juice on your fingers."

"Check his hands and mouth for traces of my blonde hair." Andrea digs.

Rick is pretending to sniff the redhead. "You smell like her, that's disgusting."

"Rick you shut up before I snap your neck!" Abraham yells but Rick continues.

"I'm not Andrea I don't get turned on by that."

Andrea reminisces and grips her throat, "the only thing you did right Abe."

Rick leans against the counter. "They say whoever enters Andrea's **beep**y comes out insane, how long we gon' have to watch you for?"

Andrea smiles. "I don't know Rick, he looks a little crazy right now. Probably the effects of exploring my dungeon."

Abraham's confessional. "How can Andrea be making fun of me for sleeping with her? She's more of the punch line than I am."

"Hey Abe, if I told you Washington was in my** beep**y would you try to find it?"

Abraham's confessional. The man sniffles and wipes an emerging tear from his eyelid. "I have feelings too and they keep hurting them. I hate their bonds, whenever an outsider makes a mistake in there group they will never let it go. Daryl and Merle** beep**ed her and no one even gave a **beep**!"

Andrea keeps taunting the larger male. "I bet if I were still pregnant with Meeshgunn, he would had still **beep**ed me. Rick, he was that easy."

"You know I never trusted him around women, he just seemed so damn eager." Rick sips his tea.

Andrea laughs and nods her head. "Seriously all I did was tell him to** beep** me and he did. He was easier than a kindergarten coloring book."

"Did he stay inside the lines?"

"Stay inside the lines, he practically broke my book apart. Aint that right honest Abe."

Abraham stomps out of the kitchen as Rick and Andres high five each other.

**Also Previously on The Real World-Walking Dead.**

Andrea's confessional. "Its nice to know that there's at least one man out there that hates Michonne. All the ones in the house are in love with her, besides Merle, thank god. So I love the fact that Joe hates her so much. And I'm not being a bad friend okay, my point is you need haters to be your motivators...I'm not fully sure what that means but Carl told me that once."

Michonne is standing in the kitchen as Joe and Daryl come in. "Damn cats always in the way." Joe grabs Michonne by the hips and tosses her out of the room like he would a small cat.

A confused Michonne gawks back at Joe. "What the hell just happened?"

"What the **beep** dad, you can't throw Chonne around like that!"

"Cats land on their feet not their ass, what kind of cat is that?" Joe says to his shocked son Daryl.

"I'm not a **beep**ing cat." Michonne says standing up and charging at Joe. Daryl restrains her.

"You keep that damn cat down, Daryl, you teach her a lesson."

"Chonne...hold on, dammit-ahhhh don't scratch me I'm tryin' to help!"

"Let me go!" The woman yells.

Daryl wrestles the samari to the ground. "I can't let you kill my dad, I got all these questions-ahhhh Chonne. Quit scratching me, why your nails so sharp? Chonne cut this out I aint Rick, I aint into manhandling woman!"

Rick is walking by. "Why you gotta bring up old **beep**?"

"Rick git yo' damn cat and get her outta here before she kill what's left of my family!" Joe commanded the leader, as Rick simply looked on before leaving the room.

"Joe if you wanna be apart of this group, you gotta learn to behave yourself, no more sleeping with my brother's girlfriend, no more tossing Chonne around, and stop calling Rick a walking piece of fecal matter!" Daryl instructs while still trying to hold Michonne down.

"But he is though. Did that house cat just poop him out in the kitty litter and now she's walking around with him. "

"Stop calling him that, Rick's trying." Daryl yells.

**Horn dog Abe and Racist Joe  
**

Andrea's confessional. "Rick got hit on the head with a feather and went into another coma so... thank god Daryl is finally taking his responsibilities as Meesh's soul mate seriously."

Daryl notices that Joe is now a cameraman in the house. Seeing this he kicks the camera out of his father's hands and angrily aims his crossbow at the man.

"How did you learn to kick like that?" Joe asks his son in amazement.

"Never mind how I learned that, you took Chonne didn't you?"

"What's a Chonne?"

"The house cat!"

"I can't stand the sight of that feline why would I take her? Four legged puss with her tail up in the air all the damn time, that's a sign of arrogance. Dem creatures steal yo' soul with their freaky marble eyes, and taking a look at you pup, she don stole most of yours already. You disappoint me."

"I'm glad I disappoint you, you never raised me!"

"Daryl-"

"The gypsy woman said she my soul mate. I wont let anything happen to her and you're the only man I know that hates her. You must have been working wif Abraham. How da hell you git this job?!" Daryl pries showing his paranoia.

"Why would I work with a red panda? You a wolf! Cats and wolfs ain't supposed to mix. If I woulda raised you, I would have raised you better than that. If you gon' screw around at least screw the golden retriever."

"Andrea?"

"Is that what you named her? Listen, Daryl you're a strong wolf, you need to be with your own kind, not some..."

"Are you using animal references to hide your racism?"

"I don't understand that human term of yours. My point is what kind of life can you have with a cat? If you procreate with her small cat body, you'll have a bunch of satanic cat wolves."

"Dad if you ever gave a** beep** about meh, you'll help me get her back."

"Maybe she's in her **beep**ing litter box, or stuck up in a tree, check the trees Daryl."

"That's what Merle said once, wait what am I talking about? For the last time she aint a cat."

In a moving car, a hidden camera catches a pouting Michonne with her arms folded. Beside her is a distraught Abraham driving. "You're not a bad man Abraham. You didn't need to do this." The woman says trying to talk him down.

"Yes I am! And like all other bad men, I have to kidnap you, and harm you. So I'm taking you to a twinkie factory and stuffing those things down your throat. Overdose by sugar...it'll be slow, sweet, and painful. Just like my demise."

Michonne's confessional. "All I'm thinking is..." the samari takes a second to laugh..."what the hell? He's honestly the kindest kidnapper I've ever had...he didn't even tie my hands, and do you know how badly I want a bunch of twinkies right now?"

"You can't let Rick and Andrea's idiocy influence you, you know how many times I had to block them out, just to keep my sanity?" Michonne says to a still doubtful Abraham.

"But what if they're right? What the hell did I do that for? I slept with Andrea!"

"Abraham everyone's messed up. They're just trying to make you feel as bad as they do when they do stupid things. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, we've all made mistakes. Not everyone hates you, you still have me." Abraham brings the car to an abrupt stop before looking Michonne in the eyes and crashing his lips against hers. She pulls away and punches him in the crotch as he grunts. "What the hell Abraham? You know what just take me home! This is what I get for trying to be nice to people."

"I would apologize for that but..." he shrugs his shoulders as she's shaking her head at him.

"Abraham my trust in you has gone down a full five perfect."

Rick's confessional. "You see this is what I don't like about Abraham and Michonne's relationship. She forgives him for everthang. I bring up Andrea's dead sister and she broke up with me for it. Abe full on ambushes her with his lips and her trust drops by five present?"

Andrea who's seated next to Rick during his confession is only nodding her head profusely in agreement.

In search for Michonne, Daryl and a yawning Joe are out looking for her. Joe is only checking up at the trees as Daryl keeps mistaking random deers for Michonne. "Is that her? Damn another deer, why they both so dainty?"

"Daryl they don't even smell alike how can you mistake a cat for a deer? What she smell like anyways? I can sniff her out... get this damn search over with."

"Love, warmth, and kindness."

"Daryl take this seriously, gimmie a piece of her clothing or something."

Daryl pulls out Michonne's small brown vest from under his shirt.

Joe angrily sniffs the vest, he hates the sent of cat. "Ahhh she smells like sweet oils and perfume, she aint even got a natural scent-lie of a creature."

"Stop disrespecting-"

Daryl is cut off by a car whizzing past them and heading back to the main house.

"That's it Daryl, in that car...she probably shedding in there like she aint got no home training."

"Come on we gotta catch it." Daryl starts running but his dad honestly doesn't give a crap about saving Michonne. Daryl sighs and gets on his hands and knees. "Woof, woof."

Joe gets on all fours as the two wolves starts running, chasing after the moving vehicle.

"We gotta stop it, woof, woof." Daryl acts without thinking and shoots out the back tires with his bolt. the car shots out and goes spiraling. "Aw damn, what did I do?"

Joe picks his teeth. "Its alright, she got nine lives."

"She only got like two left."

"Than... bye kitty."

Joe's confessional. "Some soul mate Daryl is, he killed her."


	69. Chapter 69 Custody Battle

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Warning: Carl made things really weird. Blame him. **

**_Custody Battle_**

Judge Beth Greene's Confessional. "Gare-bear and I got as far as we possibly could, but Carol still caught us. I don't want to be apart of the house anymore, and Garreth can't stand people who eat animal meat, so we'll still be around but not in the main house. Expect for today because as the embodiment of hope and faith, I will be presiding over today's proceedings."

Merle's confessional. "Mi-chonne and Abraham are messed the** beep** up. Like physically, the car accident left them battered and broken, they lucky to be alive. Mi-chonne's here, drugged up on pain pills while Abe's wrapped up like a mummy at the recovery house. Daryl and Rick are fighting over the rights to Michonne's care and well being, and maybe her heart."

As the camera goes on, Rick is seen arguing with Daryl. "I need to be the one to do it Rick, I owe it to Chonne to take care of her!"

"Daryl I am her husband, if something happens to her, I have to be the one to handle it."

"Naw! I'm her soul mate, plus I caused her accident, and I never lifted my claim of her, so your entire relationship is a lie. Andrea was a lawyer she explained this to me. You're infringing on my rights to happiness!"

"Andrea?! That woman is a selfish bonafide villain and you have the audacity to allow her to represent you?!" Rick says looking as if he's just holding in a scream, but dramatically tilts his head.

"Let me stop you right there, I have proof that your relationship with Meesh is a lie!" Andrea says strutting into the living room, in the best courtroom attire she could assemble together. This is Andrea's battlefield and she's ready.

"You were an environmental lawyer, why don't you go defend a plant or something?!" Rick sasses.

"In week five of our filmed captivity, Daryl boldly persuaded Michonne into sexual intercourse. Which she accepted, both his invitation and his claim, using her body. His exact words were 'hey Chonne you claimed yet?' The second they** beep**ed, she sighed the metaphorical dotted line." Andrea finishes.

Rick rolls his eyes. "That contract was broken when they, I don't know... BROKE UP!"

Andrea folds her arms. "Yes, on that night. The night Meesh doesn't let any of us ever speak of because of the heinous acts of verbal violence and dark themes. Rick I've got a little surprise for you, I'd like to call Merle Dixon to the stand."

As Merle sits down on the couch Andrea brings over her infant daughter. "Place your hand on Meeshgunn's head. By doing this, you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, or so help you god, Meeshgunn will slit your wrist?" The baby is already holding a knife.

"I swear." Merle rubs his daughter's head.

"Merle would you say you were the main antagonist of the night?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And would you agree, that if Rick had not spent so much time, and quality skill of manipulation, to instigate such a dreadful fight, that Daryl and Michonne could have worked things out?"

Rick stands up. "I object! You're being real harsh right now Andrea. This is insane! Michonne is with me, why do I have to fight to keep her?!"

Rick's confessional. "I'm making a lot of logical points here and Andrea is using a bunch of crap to discredit me. I'm not currently crazy, but I can bring the crazy out whenever I want to because I've accepted my brutality."

Andrea passionately answers there leader. "You have to fight for everything you get! Now, since you stole Meesh's heart, you're being tried for theft and unintentional kidnapping. Merle! Why don't tell us what Rick said to you on that faithful night on...let me see this, week nineteen of the house, a conversation that Abe overheard, thus promoting us to side with the redhead in his dislike for our dear leader. "

"Objection!" Rick yells startling Beth out of picking her nails. "Ford never liked me. I did nothing to him the first few days he showed up, and he still has no respect for me whatsoever. He **beep**ing kissed my wife!"

Beth being the courtroom judge, interjects. "Gare-bear why don't you give Rick a sip of water and pat him on the back. Our leader needs to relax." Gareth brings over a glass of water and taps Rick's shoulder with forced affection, before walking off.

Merle speaks from across the room to Beth. "If I talk, I want full immunity from Rick, that means if he come after me I want permission to kill him."

Beth nods. "Permission granted."

"Rick told me that I was losing Daryl and that I needed to do something about it. He said Michonne was dangerous and she was gonna break Daryl's heart with her katana!"

The entire room gasps. Carl is shaking his head as he leaves the mock court room in tears. So much lies and deception just breaks the young Grimes boy.

"I was emotional that night and I didn't really mean what I said, plus I had a Jack Daniels."

"You can't use inebriation as a defense Richard!"

"Yes I can Andrea, since you give Michonne a pass every time she's drunk and takes her actions to a dark place. I wasn't sober! I wasn't in my right mind!"

Merle cocks his head around to Rick. "But you were in the right mind to twist my words around, my baby brother hated me after that."

Andrea takes a seat since she had no further questions. Rick gets up deciding its time to take Merle out of the equation. Rick isn't going to lose this case so he goes to a place he knows he can. "Merle what nationality is Michonne?"

Andrea jumps up. "What does that have to do with the matter at hand?"

Rick ignores her. "Just answer the question Merle."

Merle shakes his head. "I plead the fifth on account of I don't wanna be racist no more."

"That's right you were a racist, especially during the time when Michonne and Daryl were dating. You're not a good character witness, the word of a racist can not be respected in the court, and I plead to file a motion to have his testimony stricken from the record!" Beth agrees and looks over at Lori, who's typing up a transcript of the courtroom proceedings.

Andrea is rummaging through her papers. "Oh my god I'm so rusty" she whispers to herself.

"Yea that's right Andrea, you panic!" Rick yells angrily pointing at her.

"Merle get off the stand." Andrea says throwing down some papers in frustration.

Rick calls up Glenn as his next character witness. Glenn passes his camera to Mary who resumes filming. The young man takes the stand and gives an oath over Meeshgunn's head.

"Glenn would you say that I'm a good person?"

"You're a good man Rick. I believe in you as a friend and as a leader."

"As a good man, do you think I would ever do something so deceitful?"

"I don't have any camera footage from that night. I have no idea if I can answer this question, but in my heart I don't think you'd do that."

"Thank you Glenn. That's why you're my number three."

Andrea takes an aggravated sigh. "I'd like to call someone special to the stand...everyone welcome Gareth."

Rick turns to the blonde. "Why would you call Gareth? He knows none of us."

"He's hot and I need something to look at. Now Gareth give me a little smile baby, and say _they don't trust us anymore_...very slowly." Andrea openly lusts, angering Gareth's long time girlfriend and judge Beth Greene.

Beth is heavily banging her gavel. "Order in the court! Order in the court! Andrea don't perv out on my boyfriend you cougar. You're like forty!"

Carl's confessional. "All Michonne wanted was a little sippy juice and a ton of pain meds and instead of taking care of her, my dad, Andrea, and Daryl are all fighting. I have to do something to protect my friend-mother, so...hold on to your hats folks, its about to get weird. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Carl barges into the courtroom set up, and hands Rick a written document to sign. Rick hardly reads it as he's stressed from the trial, he sees Michonne's signature and signs below her name. Unaware that Carl had obtained the signature while Michonne was in a dream like trance from being on so many pain meds. He'd lied to her and said it was homework that needed a guardian's signature.

"Alright dad, thanks. I hope there's no hard feelings between us, and after this day, I am sure with some therapy and counseling you, Michonne and I will heal from this."

"Carl what are you talking about?"

"Michonne taught me some law, her biggest mistake yet. What you've just signed is an agreement that your marriage and all rights to Michonne are null and void, and I am now her legal parent and Guardian."

Gareth gasps, "Its people like you who ruin this world. Where's your humanity?!"

Beth looks at Garreth. "Gare-bear clam down. Andrea check the legitimacy of the document."

Andrea snatches the document from Carl. "Your honor, it's legit. I would also like to switch my client from Daryl to Carl, as he has the stronger claim and I didn't do all this to lose."

"I grant your need to switch but this is really weird." Beth acknowledges.

Andrea's confessional. "I had to take a second to really dig deep and find my heart again, I don't use that stupid thing anymore. But I was gonna need it in order to appeal to Beth."

Andrea presents her argument. "Carl has always had Michonne's best interest at heart. Prior to the house, he's shown that he's loyal. He'd saved her life twice and kept her secrets. The only rightful owner of Michonne's heart, is Carl. She loves him as her son and her son should take care of her, even if he's her dad."

Merle is proudly watching the mother of his child, plead Carl's case. "She's doing pretty well aint she Durell?" Merle looks over to see his baby brother passed out on the couch.

Rick is baffled by the strong case Andrea has made. "Carl give me that paper. I'm gonna destroy that **beep**! You can't forcefully divorce me and Michonne."

"If you rip it up you will be killed on the spot dad, didn't you read the fine print?"

"What else did I agree to in that?!"

"You'll find out in the future." Carl looks into Glenn's camera, "I told you Glenn. I told you this would happen."

Glenn is shaking his head behind his camera. "No you didn't Carl!"

"I told you I'd get my dad, and my friend-daughter-mother too." Glenn's camera pans to Carl walking off in slow motion with the melody to John Mayer's "Daughters" playing in the background but his dad stops him and he's pissed.

"Stop the music, I need to speak to my son!"

Shane presses the pause button, annoyed since he loves this song.

Rick confronts Carl. "You've been planning this all along, to take everythang away from me, you just like a mini Shane!"

"Don't badmouth me when I'm right here man, that aint cool." Shane says angrily rubbing his head.

Merle's confessional. "I don't like the Grimes men, treachery runs in their blood. And there family ties are all **beep**ed up. Why would you make a daughter out of your mother figure?"

A very injured Michonne is wheeled into the room carefully by Rosita. Despite being half out of it, she needs to speak her peace. "All I wanted was a family, and you've all either tricked, deceived, or kidnapped me. So nobody has a leg to stand here. I forgive everything that was done to me because I care for all of you. But my patience has finally run out. By the power invested in me, I end all romantic and personal ties to everyone in this group...except for Carl. Rosita wheel me out."

Beth bangs her gavel. "Michonne has spoken, I grant her wishes by all the authority I've been granted during these proceedings. Meeting adjourned!"

Michonne is upstairs in her room drinking from her a juice box that Carl got for her. The boy is reading her comic books. She's still unaware that she's now Carl's daughter, but he wont tell her this until she's fully healed. Merle and Rick are downstairs, Rick is emotionally spent while Merle is still scratching his head on how the hell this all happened.

Merle is shaking his head at an annoyed Rick. "You should of reared your child! Mi-chonne aint even my favorite person but she got a kid as a father now. How somebody as small as Carl gon' teach her how to ride a bike, or fist fight bullies, or watch her in her first spelling bee, I don't think he even know half dem words."

"Merle..." Rick sighs. "Can you just hug me?"

Merle feels bad for the leader and hugs the man. "I would tell you its gon' be alright but it aint."

**Next time on The Real World-Walking Dead**

A still battered and bruised Michonne is in her wheelchair during a confrontation with Rick. She seems alarmed by a shocking reveal made by the leader. "What do you mean I'm Carl's daughter?!"

"Your name is on the dotted line Michonne, on a document that I cannot destroy because apparently if I do, some hidden sniper will kill me!"

"I don't remember sighing this! Rick I don't believe Carl would ever do this to me."

"This is the second time I've been forcibly separated from you. First Andrea now Carl."

"Carl's just trying to protect me." Michonne says while reading through the document, there's so many fine details that she's shocked Rick didn't read through. "Rick, all I wanted was a damn juice box and a hug and you couldn't even give me that."

"There was stuff I needed to deal with first... thangs."

"You slept in...all day, until Daryl decided to sue you."

"Go back to your father than but you gon' feel real stupid when you find out."

"Find out what?"

"Your my granddaughter now. Prior to this trial, you were literally screwing with the wrong person!"

Andrea's confessional. "Rick is so petty."

Michonne is in her bedroom talking with Beth, who's reading over the document Carl had the samari sign. The blonde shifts her reading glasses before looking towards the samari who speaks calmly.

"Beth its simple, I was incapacitated when I signed that. There's no way this can hold up in proper court."

The blonde shrugs. "I guess you're right."

Carl overhearing Michonne trying to get out of her contract, is deeply hurt. "Michonne, you don't wanna be my daughter?"

"Carl I understand you were tying to help me, but this wasn't the way to do it. You can't do deceitful things to people you care about."

Rick comes by the room. He respects Michonne's decisions but also wants to apologize to the woman. But of course, his equally petty son, doesn't allow him the chance. Rick is matched with someone just as stubborn as he is. "If you want to speak to your _granddaughter_, you'll have to ask permission first. I'm not letting any roughnecks around my little girl!" Carl says standing up to his dad. "Michonne its bedtime now. Dad if you go anywhere near her, you will feel the wrath of a true father."

Andrea sneaks up behind Rick's ear and yells, "he a better father than you Rick-"

"Don't you start with that. And get Shane out of my house. I'm tired of his influence." Rick says before walking off.


	70. Chapter 70 BAG

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**B.A.G**_

Rick's confessional. "After the trail Beth and Garreth told us about their deluxe supermarket. I feel like Beth only agreed to help with the trail to advertize her new venture, but its alright because I respect her hustle. Today we're going shopping to support Beth, and get some items in the house that our captures will not allow us to have."

Beth's confessional. "The store is called Beth and Gareth, but we shortened it to B.A.G."

Garreth's confessional. "No one's going shopping. The store isn't ready, there's still a lot of inventory that needs to get done. Beth! Beth?!"

"What?!" Beth's voice is heard off camera.

"What's the shell count?" Garreth Asks.

"What?" Beth repeats.

"What's the shell count?"

"I was supposed to do that?"

"What do you think I hired you for sweetie?"

"Hire more employees than. All you do is greet people, while I have to do everything else. You only have me and that damn bear Gareth!"

"You leave Poko alone, he keeps the bad people away! If I have to take this place back again, I swear to god..."

Rick piles his supplies on the assembly line, while Beth is writing down every item with patience and care. The rest of the housemates are lining up behind him with there carts and various items.

"Can't this line go any faster?" Lori complains as Beth puts her hand on her hips in irritation. "I'm the only worker here, you will wait-if you don't like it, tell Rick to by less hair care products! OK Rick, your total is...your house or five members of your group."

"No way! Why is everythang so expensive?! I want a discount!"

"We're all struggling Rick."

"How? There aren't even any people left, how are we still in an economic crisis?!"

"We don't have enough people alive to help the economy. It's your whole house or two of your own... if you can't pay you gotta put everything back or I'll get Poko!"

"Can't we get a family discount? For crying out loud, we were in the same group once!"

"I've moved up in the world Rick-"

"You're a cashier Beth-"

"In one of the last supermarkets on earth. I stock the shelves and play my songs when we're at max capacity. Gare-bear has already started putting signs up, and we need more people to help guard the shelves from shop lifters... " Beth eyes Merle's oversized coat as he's looking at everything but her before a can of spaghetti drops from between his legs.

"How did that get there-Daryl grab what you can and go!" Merle holds the items beneath his coat for dear life as Daryl stares on from the line.

Mere screams for his brother's attention. "Daryl-"

"I don't want to lose my spot in line... and I don't want to steal anymore. Besides, I ain't pissing off no bear."

The younger Dixon stays in line as Andrea is peaking over his shoulder and counting his items out loud.

"Let me go in front of you Daryl, my cart is practically empty." The blonde says.

"Naw, I was here first!"

"It's baby **beep** and a playboy Daryl, it'll only cost like... how much is my stuff Beth?"

"Three breads and two guns or seven soup cans and a knife." The younger blonde says, angering Andrea.

"That's robbery, what kind of pricing that?! **Beep** this store... "

Rick walks over to Michonne. "Michonne can I use you for a bit? Don't worry you can go back to being pissed off, after I get this discount." Rick grabs Michonne's wheelchair, rolling the injured woman towards his spot at the front of the line. "I get a discount for Michonne, she's severely injured as you can see."

Andrea overhears Rick trying to get a discount and decides she should be getting one too. "I want a friends and family discount! Merle's my baby's daddy, Daryl and Abe are my flings, and I have a kid on the side! I'm surrounded by my markdowns. I want a discount." Andrea announces as Beth does a double take and looks at the red head in his wheelchair. He's just shaking his head in shame, and still bandaged up like a mummy.

Beth looks at Abraham sadly. "You slept with Andrea? I'm just going to give you a pity discount for your loss."

"Loss of dignity." Rick whispers as Andrea shouts "Hyooo."

Rick's confessional. "The thing about Me and Andrea's friendship is that, we hate each other but we also hate everyone else. It a bond built on hate, surrounded by hate, and fed by hate."

The red headed male unable to talk, slightly leaves the two before rolling past them and over their feet. Rick and Andrea jump up on pain, yanking there feet from under the heavy wheel of Abe's chair.

"Listen guys, if you don't like the prices you can go on a run and find your own food-oh wait you can't, because you live in a luxurious house and your survival instincts have dulled down to zero. So you can buy our **beep**, or starve!" Beth rants as Garth finally comes out with his book to take stock of his inventory.

Rick is singled out. "Hold on, you can only take ten items per customer, you are way past your limit!" Gareth scolds the leader before Rick takes out his items and distributes them into Daryl and Andrea's carts, as the two members angrily look on.

Gareth shakes his head. "I see groups as only one customer. The group as a whole can only take ten items."

"You know what Gareth... you may be cute-"

"Damn right he is." Andrea says cutting Rick off and winking at the unamused market owner.

"But you're real stingy!" Rick continues before he pouts at the retreating younger male, who went off to take inventory of the rest of his items, and get back what Merle had failed to steal.

Daryl feeling a little restless, wants to hurry this shopping outing up. "I'ma get Chonne her M&amp;M's and crazy cheese, I also want my jerky so y'all decide what y'all want as a group."

With a sigh Andrea tries to pick between food for her infant and her magazine before placing the baby formula aside.

"Really?" Abraham mutters as Andrea hisses at him.

"Shut it Ford, we may be lovers but we are not friends! I can feed Meeshgunn with my boobs!"

"I want a new bayonet! Buy it for me Daryl, use my IOU!" Merle suggests.

"Man will you stop it with that, put your **beep** in my cart than!" Daryl demands before addressing Rick. "Rick, you gotta chose only the essentials."

Rick picks up a pick stress ball, shampoo and conditioner, a bag of hair curlers, along with a blow dryer for himself.

"Good thang we got electricity with them solar panels, huh Michonne?" Rick tries to make conversation as Daryl and Michonne look on, ignoring him. Andrea begins to thrust her cart into the back of Abraham's wheelchair, annoying the immobile male.

"Hey Abe, you remember this... you did this to me once." Andrea smirked as Rick began to laugh and Lori slapped him on the shoulder, to make him stop. "Twenty years and you're still the same **beep** I fell out of love with-"

Rick recoils his shoulder. "Stop harassing me, you don't know me!" Rick yelled back at Lori as Michonne occupied her time with reading the ingredients on the back of her crazy cheese.

Beth is counting up the items. "Sooo... , a pink stress ball, shampoo, conditioner, hair curlers, a hair dryer, a porn magazine, a bayonet, crazy cheese, jerky, stale M&amp;M's for half price with the family discount, Michonne's injury discount. And Abraham's injury and pity discount... that makes ten items... and that will be one car or five guns-"

"No-" Andrea yells but was quickly cut off by an angry Lori. "Andrea just pay the woman in guns so we can get the hell out of here! I have a baby to take care of!"

Andrea, having an unnatural attachment to her guns, loses her cool. "Beth wants my guns, and you Lori took my man and want to take my baby too. For the last mother **beep**ing time Meeshgunn is not** beep**ing yours! You **beep**ing **beep!** Why don't I just give Gareth my arms and legs too-"

"Andrea that was a lot of** beep**ing cursing and Carl's around here somewhere." Merle warns the potty mouthed blonde. "Put the **beep**ing guns on the **beep**ing **beep** and lets get the **beep** out of here."The redneck yells as, Andrea sighs and starts pulling guns from different parts of her body, then laying them before a pleased Beth.

The loud speaker in the supermarket begins to crackle as Gareth's voice comes on. "We also accept fresh body parts or whole humans... and the mayonnaise is one can off, I repeat, the mayo is one can off. Thank you for shopping at B.A.G. and we hope to see you and your zesty human flesh again."

The group leaves the store, unset but satisfied as Daryl is helping Michonne into her handicapable van, while Abraham is trying to get into his car by himself.

Daryl looks back at the redhead. "I'm almost done with Chonne, I'ma help you next-"

"No, I got it!" Abraham yells back as he's glaring at his car. Merle decides to help and puts his shopping bag on Abraham's his lap before helping the man into the van with the others.

Merle laughs. "I'ma put you next to Mi-chonne and behind my wife, try not to fondle them will yah. We all know how you are with the ladies ya sex fiend." The redhead growls in discontent as he realizes he wont be able to live down his new perverse label amongst the group.


	71. Chapter 71 Kids These Days

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Previously on the Real World-Walking Dead**

The group is gathered before a fenced off area in nothing but their sleepwear, after their leader dragged them all out of bed. Rick points to a luscious tree garden filled with delectable fruits. "This is my recreational tree garden. I've been working on it for months and I don't want any of youuuu bothering it. See that dirt patch all the way off in the corner?"

Daryl nods. "That weed one."

"That's not weed, that's a pea plant. If you need any sustenance, you get it from there."

"This is the most selfish thing I've ever seen in my life." Lori exclaims, "think about the group, how are we supposed to survive on a pea plot?!"

"These trees are not for eating, they're recreational. They're to help me with my stress because apparently, I've become an asshole. Ain't that right Michonne?"

The Samurai rolls her eyes. "So to stop being an asshole you do this...a more asshole-ish thing?"

"I'm telling all you right now. Do not go into my garden and pick any fruits, if yall do...well...you don't get to live anymore." Rick waddles off with his machete.

**Kids These Days (Back in the Bag Pt. 1)**

Michonne wakes up to find a note by her pillow. She rubs her sleepy eyes and opens the letter, reading what she recognizes to be Carl's handwriting. "To my darling daughter, while I'm out, stay away from the following people. They are hoodlum yeti looking mother**beep**ers that I will not tolerate around my precious little girl. The following people are, Rick Grimes. I'll be home soon, Love Carl."

Away from the house during a job interview at B.A.G, Carl sits in front of Gareth, who's mulling over the young teen's resume. Which consists of walker shots to the head, briefly being in a boy band assembled by Shane Widdy, wearing the hell out of a sheriff's hat, and being a devoted father to his friend-mother-daughter Michonne.

Garreth exhaled and leaned back in his chair. "I have one question for you Carl. Are you the butcher or are you the cattle?"

Carl scratches his chin. "Um...the butcher?"

"Good cause you really don't wanna be the cattle."

Back at the main house, Michonne's in a state of constant irritation with Lori, who's taken the role as Michonne's legal grandmother way too seriously.

Lori's confessional. "I've always wanted a little girl. Having Carl grow out his hair was only a quick fix. I still feel like I should of had a daughter of my own, but Michonne is my chance. I'm gonna raise her in my image."

Michonne's confessional. "I just wanted some breathing room, but I can't get that because according to Lori, too much freedom is the gateway to drugs and promiscuity. So as a ploy to irritate Lori, I've decided to give her something she's never had to deal with, a nightmare granddaughter."

Roaming around the house in a black tank top, push up bra, and a pair of tight black jeans, Michonne is snacking on an apple she'd snatched from Rick's tree garden. The Samurai bites heavily into the fruit when Lori stands before her. Lori's horror is watching the juice from the bite, drain down Michonne's arm. She then gasps seeing the Samurai slowly licking the juice along her skin, the act comes off as sexually explicit to the housewife.

"You keep your gosh darn tongue in your mouth, the men around here might get ideas."

Michonne rolls her eyes continuing to eat her apple seductively.

Daryl comes into the kitchen and Lori jumps at the chance to place her responsibilities as a parent onto someone else. "Daryl! Daryl!"

"What chew want?"

"Michonne is acting out, I need you to discipline her. I'm not about to hit a child so you'll have to do it, you got experience with that right?"

Michonne's confessional. "Lori is so horrible."

Lori stomps her foot like a child as she protests to the younger Dixon. "I am still married to your brother, which makes me family. You have to help me with this problem!"

Daryl sighs before deciding to help his _family_ member.

Michonne directs her sighs at Daryl, with a come-hither stare. "You can spank me?"

Michonne watches Daryl's stunned reaction before Lori jumps in front of him screaming. "He will! And you are not supposed to take pleasure in it, it's supposed to be painful and just not fun!"

Lori's words go in one ear and out the other, as Michonne swings her head around to Daryl. "You and me are gonna make it fun, aren't we Daryl? I know how you like your bad girls...bent over." Michonne bites her lip at the blushing Daryl, who's voice cracks "damn Chonne tone it down."

Daryl's confessional. "I don't know what's going on between Chonne and Lori, but all of a sudden I stopped being all shy and started getting these thoughts. Chonne and I way back in the day used to do a lot of roleplaying, it was our kink or whatever. So I think I fell back into that."

Daryl violently yanks his belt off while Michonne hands her apple to Lori, who's looking part fearful and part squeamish. "I've never seen a spanking before this is really gonna hurt me."

He ignores Lori and walks towards Michonne, "bend over that there table...and stop smiling about it, I ain't gon go easy on you girl."

Abraham comes into the kitchen for a quick snack accidentally walking in on Michonne being bent over the table, with Daryl right behind her, his hand braced against her lower back to hold her in place as his other hand held his leather belt in the air. Not far off was a stunned Lori, who was holding a half-eaten apple and watching the scene with one eye open. Michonne and Daryl had a mischievous, lustful look in their eyes that made them look as though their sight was hazed over with primal heat.

"Daryl just make sure it's over quick." Lori pleads as she looks away, unable to see that Daryl and Michonne are enjoying this too much.

"Naw, I'ma make this hard and slow until she learns her lesson. She won't even be able to sit on that nice little ass of hers once I'm done with 'er-"

"... What the **beeeeeeeeeppppppp** is going on?!" The redhead shouts in terror, breaking up the party and saving Michonne from her uncle in law's punishment.

Abraham's confessional. "Them damn Dixons are all white trash and their draggin' Michonne down with em. I know Mich and the little Dixon ain't related by blood but him being her uncle in law was already **beep**ed up enough... what the **beep** did I walk in on?!"

Back at B.A.G, Beth is upset by Glenn and his camera crew setting up equipment in the middle of her store. "Glenn, I faked my death and blackmailed key members of the group to do so, and do you remember why? Because I didn't want to be on the show anymore-in front of you camera people. Now you have the nerve to set up shop in my place of work? I don't want any cameras here."

"Beth I'm only doing my job, I go where they tell me to. Carl is still on the show and he's here. I had to bring the cameras."

"Stay out of my way Glenn...just stay out of my way." Glenn films the blonde walking by Gareth's office, which still had Carl going through the last stages of the interviewing process. Hearing Gareth's voice, Glenn's camera approaches the open door, filming inside.

"We have some meat for you. It could be beef, pork, could be your friend from down the street." Gareth's brother Alex comes to Carl handing him a plate of meat. Carl takes the plate and looks around as if he's waiting for his father to slap it from his hand, but then he realizes his dad doesn't know about his work aspects.

After devouring the mystery meat on the plate. Gareth and Alex are watching the young boy curious to see how he reacts. Carl thinks he has to really sell this cannibalism thing. "That was the best meat I've ever tasted. I understand now, what it means to be one of you. I feel like killing someone right now and eating them." Carl gets up aiming his gun at Alex's head. "I'm gonna shoot you and then eat you Alex, and don't worry, I've shot someone in the face before, I won't miss but keep still."

Gareth glanced at his quivering brother, then at the intensity he's seeing from Carl. This pleases him, though he won't tell the kid he'd only eaten tofu. "Carl, you can put the gun down kid. You're hired."

Michonne walks into Daryl's bedroom after the two had simmered down from their earlier counter in the kitchen. She'd already experimented with being sexual to get at Lori, but now it was time to take it up a notch, and Daryl offered his help. The younger Dixon is finding it hard not to stare at her chest while speaking.

"Alright, listen. Merle had blue meth that I used as a model. I crushed up some blue candy to make a replica but..." Daryl holds up two identical bags.

"You did good, I can't even tell which one is the fake."

"Yea, me neither."

"Daryl! How am I going to piss off my _grandma_ if you're freaking out on actual meth? I don't want anyone getting hurt. We have to think of something else." She folds her arms.

"Already on it. We gotta give you a tramp stamp, right above your ass. What do you want? A pair of angel wings, a **beep**y openin' up... a pair o' wings framin' a **beep**y openin up? I mean I'm kind of limited in my tattoo abilities, all I can really do are ovals and add some stuff on em to make em look different. I'll make the ink white for yah."

"Um.. no-so you can only draw wings and vaginas?"

"How about an eye right above yer ass crack, so when you bend over and a pervert looks at ya, your booty's gonna stare right back at em. I could make two of em and you could make your ass talk and have a personality."

"You've really put some thought into this, haven't you?"

"You'd be surprised what a man thinks about when he's alone for too long... like names for butts... you could call yours Asslesha Butterbottom."

"Daryl?"

"Mine's Asston Cracker... he ain't that nice, you could say he's-"

"A bit of an asshole." She finishes with a coy smile.

Daryl chuckled.

Abraham's confessional. "Lori told me the reason she's treating Mich this way. It's to form a bond with her, by turning her into a mini version of herself. That's not how you form a bond with someone, you can't just turn them into you so you can have something to relate to. Lori's going about this all wrong."

Lori barges into the room and is angered by the Samurai's blatant ample cleavage. "Why are you still dressed like that? You're supposed to be covered up, especially if you're going outside. I don't want any walkers checking you out like a piece of meat."

"Lori that's literally what I am to walkers."

"Don't you back-sass me!"

"Fine you want me to change, here." Michonne angrily removes her tank top and throws it at Lori's stunned face. Daryl's eyes widen looking at Michonne in her bra.

"Michonne Christine Abagail Grimes! You are out of control! And I can't believe you'd take your shirt off with a boy in the room."

"Keep talking Lori" Michonne reaches behind to unhook her bra making Lori gasp.

"Nawww Chonne you ain't gotta do this." Daryl intervenes reaching behind and re-hooking her bra. Michonne just really wants Lori out of her face but luckily Lori's inability to deal with being a parent for too long takes over. "Daryl's she's being defiant. You do something! Oh my god is that meth?" She screams finally spotting the bags behind the pair.

Lori's confessional. The housewife held up the two bags of the _meth_ she'd taken from Daryl's room. "I can't believe there's drug use in my household. You know what? I'm gonna take this, to become more hip with the kids and then they'll listen to me." Lori opens one bag of the blue substance and sniffs it before dipping her finger in it and tasting it. "Hm, it's not that bad... no wonder Merle hides this stuff around the house!"

Garreth's confessional. The store owner lacks the decency to face Glenn's camera instead, he's marking up a notepad while speaking. "Beth was right. I do need more people working here. I found a new employee who's as obsessed with organization and detail as I am."

In Gareth's office, Beth is questioning her nonchalant boyfriend. "Who's this woman you hired Garreth?"

"Nice to see you again Beth." A familiar voice radiated from over her shoulder. The blonde turned around to see Dawn starring back at her.

"Oh, so you two know each other? Good." Garreth walks out as Beth rushes after him.

"Gare-Bear no. You can't have that woman working here. You don't get it."

"She's neat and organized."

"She has evil OCD!"

"Beth I'm running a business here, whatever problems you have with Dawn I'm sure you'll work them out." Garreth kisses her on the forehead before walking off. Beth storms back into Gareth's office to confront Dawn, who already has an attitude like she owned the place.

"Let me tell you something Dawn. This isn't the hospital, this is **my** territory so if you think you can order me around-" Beth flinches as dawn yanks up a picture frame.

"In here you're not the greater good."

"But bitch, you are?"

Beth's confessional. "I love Garreth, I really do. I want to spend the rest of **his** life with him, but he's so oblivious and cold. I wish he listened to me the way he used to. We created B.A.G together and now I feel like I don't have a say in my own creation."

While Beth and dawn had been squaring off in Gareth's office, Garreth and Rick were having a conversation that's long overdue if you ask Rick. This specific topic had been weighing on the group's leader for quite some time.

"You told Bob that pretty people taste better. Which means you were saving all the people you deem pretty for last...but you dragged me, Daryl, Bob, and Glenn out the cart first so..."

"Listen, Rick it's just a preference. I'm not saying you and the others were ugly, all I'm saying is that there are more physically desirable people in your group."

"Eugene was in there, you think Eugene is prettier than me, Abraham?!"

Gareth's confessional. "I thought he'd be more upset by the fact that we tried to eat him, but instead he made it a vanity thing. I don't know where his proprieties lie."

Daryl and Michonne are now walking around the house in search of Lori. Mary's camera is following behind them, recording their interaction.

Daryl scratches his head. "I really hope she ate the candy one, why'd she do something like this?!"

"Because she always goes the extra mile-wait do you hear that?" Daryl and Michonne stop by a room with no lights but hears a shuffling noise inside. The thought that Lori turned and was crawling around in the darkness was dashed once they heard a small giggle.

"Lori-ah!" Daryl was tackled by a mass of black hair and pale skin as blue drool seeped from Lori's lips and onto his cheek. "Holly **Beeep** it's that grudge-quick Chonne, find a well!"

"No, it's Lori. Why is she hissing?" Michonne questions.

Michonne's confessional. "Is this what it feel like to royally screw up? I don't like this feeling. I've always had my **beep** together, what's happening to me? I took my shirt off now everyone in T.V. land knows my extreme workout regiment, yal weren't supposed to see that." Michonne leans over and pulls up a DVD with a picture of her posing, "but since you did, call 1-800-_Vests and Yum_ to pre-order my workout DVD. And you to can define every muscle in your physique."

"Daryl, you need to get out of here. I'm not letting you take the blame for this." Michonne says lightly pushing Daryl back, but he refuses to leave her.

"Naw, I've dealt with this before. You go and I'll take care of dis. I didn't just get these buff arms from lifting weights. In the past I had to lift a lot of dead bodies and dig a lotta holes...oh and I followed the instructions to your workout tape." Daryl stares into Mary's camera. "You can find it at your local B.A.G supermarket, should be easy to find there's only one."

Michonne continues to plead with him. "Daryl...if you're going down. I'm going down with you. Don't argue with me."

"The sugar makes my blood so itchy... h-h-help meeeeee!" Lori screams from the darkness before the sound of the shelves being knocked over and books being thrown around made Daryl and Michonne take a deep breath, preparing themselves. There was a good chance that Lori had eaten both bags to prove her point, and they didn't want a hyper, strung out walker chasing them around the house. As the sound of disorder halts, Daryl starts to panic, thinking that Lori had overdosed.

"Merle's gon' kill meh, we killed his wife and I used his stash. Why the hell did I even do this in the first place? Blue meth ain't cheap and if Merle gotta call Heisenberg again, there's gon' be hell to pay. I ain't ready to go back on the corner, there's walkers out there now. I don't wanna suck no walker **beep**!"

Lori flicks on the light in the room. "And that's why you're not supposed to do drugs."

Michonne and Daryl share matching shocked stares, but it's Daryl who snaps. "You **beep!** Yew okay?!"

"Of course I'm okay, I'm married to Merle. you think I don't know the difference between real and fake meth" she throws the bag containing her husband's actual stash at Daryl and Michonne.


	72. Chapter 72 The Work Place

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own "The Walking Dead' or "The Real World."**

**The Work Place (Back in the Bag pt. 2)**

Beth's confessional. "Dawn is at it again. Overstepping to test her god damn authority. She's over priced the food. People need these items to survive, and she's putting a price too big on survival."

Glenn's camera closes in on another confrontation between Beth and Dawn. Beth is holding her own as well as she can, but Dawn's only interested in her own way of thinking.

Dawn points her pricing gun at Beth. "We're gonna help put the world back together."

The young blonde tries to reason with the power hungry woman. "Not by trading an entire car for a bottle of water."

Dawn nodded with a smile. "You're right, it should be two cars."

"But-"

"You know what? Three cars! You wanna keep going?!" Dawn challenges and Beth decides to back down for now.

Gareth walks into the room. He's pleased with Dawn since her hair is especially sleek today, and her cop uniform so neat. "Dawn, we need to have a meeting. Beth, honey, I want you at the register." Beth nods and Gareth walks out. Beth attempts to leave too, but Dawn stops her and decides to offer more words of wisdom.

"Remember what I told you at the hospital? When we take, we give back. It's only fair. If only you worked off what you owed-"

"But you_ saved my life_. How was I supposed to work off my life? That's slavery!"

"Call it whatever you like, but in here, you're part of a system." The new employee chided her younger counterpart.

"I created this store with Gareth, in here you're part of MY system." Beth said in a low, no-nonsense tone to her new employee.

Dawn leaves the room, "we'll see about that."

Bob is visiting the B.A.G supermarket as he needs bandages and supplies for the recovery home. He strolls down the aisle, finding a bottle of rubbing alcohol. He picks it up, but puts it back down, astonished by the costly price.

Carl's confessional. "Then I heard a collision and a cry from Bob."

Carl tries to help Bob, who's trapped under heaps of shelves and medical supplies. Gareth comes out and looks at Bob underneath the fallen shelves. His eyes grow big with thoughts of cannibalism.

"Carl, he's stuck pretty good... we gotta free him. Separate him from his leg!"

Bob looks at Gareth like he's crazy, and crazy stares right back at him. "No, no, my leg is fine. I can feel it and everything!"

"No Bob, it's the only way. Carl knock him out and I'll get the saw!"

"I can wriggle out from here, I just need to be pulled out!" Bob looks to Carl. "Just drag me out!"

"Carl, don't move him that's an order! If you touch him, he'll sue us!" Garth commands from the back room as the sound of an electric saw is heard from afar.

"Just lift the shelf!" Bob screams while Carl looks around before easily pulling Bob out from underneath the rubble. Gareth arrives and sighs in frustration before throwing down his chainsaw after Bob's retreating form. "I guess one of us ain't eating tonight, Carl."

On a break from dealing with customers, Beth walks into her office. She's having to maneuver around Glenn's camera crew following her. When Glenn's camera accidentally hits the side of her head, a distracted Beth trips over a kneeling boom mike operator and is sent flying to the ground. "Glenn! This is why I didn't want you people here!" Suddenly a large jar of pickles shatters near her head. Beth screams and covers her face before seeing Dawn crouching down beside her.

"Look what you did Beth. You smashed that jar of pickles on the floor for no reason. Gareth is going to know that you did this."

Beth gets up, her hands slipping around in pickle juice before she comes to a stance. "You threw that down right near my face! I could have gotten glass in my eyes!"

Dawn hands Beth another jar of pickles, "Here's a new jar. It's from my own personal stash. You could replace it, and no one will ever know you did anything wrong. Because you did do something wrong."

"Um...okay?" Beth goes to place the jar of pickles on the shelf, but before she can, Dawn slaps the jar out of her hands. "Beth, why did you do that? Why do you keep destroying all the pickles."

Beth shrieked in confusion. "What are you trying to do? What are you trying to do to me?!"

Dawn replies casually. "I'm not the one with the vendetta again pickles."

In an aisle not too far from Beth's impending meltdown, Rick is leaning on the handle of his empty shopping cart, sluggishly walking with a hopeless stare in his eyes. Gareth had been lurking behind him for quite some time. "Do you need any help, Rick?"

"No, I'm fine... just shopping." Rick murmured, before going back to staring at nothing in particular.

Gareth walks away. Rick glances over his shoulder spotting the store owner now whispering to Dawn, who points blatantly to the heavily bearded man. Dawn nods her head and starts to follow Rick, who becomes nervous and turns into another aisle, only to see Gareth already waiting. "When are you gonna buy something?"

"I need to look around first. How much are the bananas?" Rick asks, not even looking at the price beforehand.

"They're one rifle."

"Oh no, that's too expensive. I'll look for something else then." He travels to a new aisle and hangs out there.

Gareth's confessional. "Whenever Rick stayed somewhere for too long, I started to send employees to restock the shelves near him. If he's not gonna leave the store, he could at least not camp out in one spot for too long. Maybe I'll just repeat some history and herd him like the cattle he is."

Rick is sadly leaning against an assortment of soaps when Alex comes by with a box. "Hey, I need to restock those, do you mind moving?"

Rick scratches his shaggy beard and nods, moving down the aisle and resting in his new loitering spot. Dawn comes up to him carrying an even larger box. "I'm gonna need to restock those items behind you." He sighs and moves into the next aisle, but there are already people restocking shelves. The plan was to eliminate areas for Rick to linger and edge him closer to where Gareth needed him to be, the store exit.

Rick's confessional. "I know their game, they're trying to force me out."

Rick bumps into Beth, who's lugging a very important box, a box that ended up slipping from her hands and dropping on the floor. Beth freaks out hearing the shattering jars inside the brown box and her meltdown finally ensues."WHAT THE SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU WANDERING AROUND LIKE A WALKER?! BUY SOMETHING OR GO HOME! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

Beth's confessional. "There's already two broken jars that Dawn is framing me for. Now Chewbacca Grimes rams right into me, and made me drop an entire box worth!"

Gareth nonchalantly walks up to the sullen leader, after Beth had to take several moments outside to cool off.

"You heard Beth. Buy something or leave."

"Excuse me? I'm a first class citizen, I was a cop! You don't have the right to tell me what to do. And one of your employees just yelled at me for no reason. It's not my fault Beth's goblin hands can't hold a box."

"She's not an employee she's the co-owner who does employee work sometimes, so you will respect her." Gareth is very disinterested in Rick as he continues on. "This ain't Starbucks, you can't hang out here every day because people at your house hate you."

"My group doesn't hate me, I'm just more comfortable here."

"You've been here every day for the past six months, scaring my customers because you look like a wild savage, and on the rare occasion that we can get you to leave, you're camping out near the dumpster. If this were a bookstore, you'd need that self-help section."

Carl in his BAG uniform and apron walks up to his dad. "Dad, please just buy something."

"Carl, when did you start working here?"

"I had to get a job to support myself. I can't be you and make a profession out of being an absentee parent."

"Carl, why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you, I just hate the things you do. The employees talk, always saying why can't Carl get his dad to leave, why does his dad look like a yeti?"

"Is that why you called me a yeti in that letter you wrote to Michonne?"

"You weren't supposed to see that," Carl admitted with a bit of shame.

"You think just because Michonne ripped out my heart and then peed on it, then got Daryl to pee on it, Andrea peed on it for the hell of it, then Merle kicked it into a garbage can, then Lori spit on it, that I don't go into Michonne's bedroom and snoop around in her thangs for information?"

"The group has never mistreated you, you're the one who mistreated the group. And don't put any of this on Michonne. She almost died in that car accident with Abraham and you've been terrible to her ever since. She thinks you need rehab and I agree."

"Coral...you're my son and I love you more than anything in this entire world. I would have every single member of the group die for you. But could you please stop telling me to buy something, because I don't even have any currency on me." Rick admitted, not even having two bullets to rub together.

"Dad...get out."

"But it's so warm in here and I can't go back to the house, they'll kick me out on the street. Also, could I borrow some ammo from you or something, there's a can of spaghetti I wanna buy." Rick gets closer and whispers in his son's ear, "I've been trying to steal it for days but they've been watching me. Buy it for me Corarol." Carl has reached a new level of disappointment.

"I made a call."

The doors to B.A.G are kicked open by the baby militia. Sophia stands before Lizzie and Mika, all three are armed to the teeth and ready to aim.

Sophia announces. "We're here for Rick Grimes. We got a call for you to be forcefully removed."

Rick looks at his son feeling betrayed. Carl turns his back to his father. "You needed help." The boy walks off as Sophia sadly stares. Exhaling she gets back to the business at hand. "Come peacefully or we will take you down by force." Sophia says narrowing her eyes at the homeless looking leader.

In a desperate attempt at an escape, Rick goes on a rampage, smashing food on the floor and stealing cans of spaghetti that he'd been surveilling all these months. Stuffing half in his oversized coat and piling the rest in is arms before running past the aisles.

As Rick is being hunted down, he sees a pyramid of cans and climbs them like King Kong. Finally reaching the top, he roars atop his temporary tower, throwing cans at the customers and embarrassing Carl even more. The baby militia tase Rick. He falls, bringing the pyramid down with him in an avalanche of yummy food. Seeing him laying unconscious on the floor, Sophia throws a net over him, trapping him like a wild animal before he is dragged away by the sisters.

Sophia comes up to Carl. "I'm sorry we were hard on him. He was resisting arrest, as a former cop you think he'd know better." She shrugged.

"It was only a matter of time before someone took him down." Carl looks her in the eyes. "I'm just glad it was you, someone I trust. Now my dad will finally get the help he needs."

"We'll take good care of him."

Carl rubs his sniffling nose as Sophia warmly embraces him.

Beth's confessional. "I spent a while outside before going back to my office. An office that Dawn placed pictures of herself all over, and even gave herself an employee of the month plaque, even though she's been working here two days."

Dawn is screaming at Beth. "Your insubordinate attitude is getting on my last nerve, if a customer dies out there it's on you. Now go re-stack the pyramid."

Beth sighs. "Dawn just go away."

Dawn moves to strike at Beth, but Beth grabs her by the wrist before the policewoman had the opportunity to make contact. Beth speaks in a deliberate, peaceful, and enlightened tone. "I get it now. Why you kept slapping me and pissing me off. The mind games... you want me to kill you." The young blonde shoves the woman's wrist away.

Dawn steps back in shock. "What? I never said that-"

"No, all those weird condescending speeches you use to tell me back at the hospital... I get it. You wanna die. And you want me to kill you. That's what you want!"

Dawn shakes her head profusely. "Is this about the pickles? I'm sorry about that. I was testing you, but I see that you're strong. I thought you were weak, but you're strong."

"When you least expect it, the next time you call my name, I'm gonna shank you... " Beth lunges at Dawn who flinches.

"Yeahhhh" Beth shivers with delight.

**Next time on the Real World Walking Dead**

As Rick is being checked into Rehab, which was just the first floor of the recovery home, a receptionist is trying to talk to the weary man. "With a few weeks of proper treatment, we can let you out early. You'll need hourly intensive therapy, we'll put you on a high protein diet, and you may have limited visitation, and heavy supervision."

Suddenly Morgan walks through the doors and gives the leader a quick wave of acknowledgment before walking off. With a smile, Rick talks to the receptionist. "I'm gonna need to extend my stay here. I mean I'm really sick. I need the help pretty bad. Also, can I be put in the same room as Morgan?"

"I'll see what we can do."

"I think I'm gonna like it here." Rick muses day dreaming of intimate moments and sudsy bathtub fun with his savior Morgan.


	73. Chapter 73 The Banishment

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the "Real World."**

**Warning. Drama, child endangerment, and unconcerned profanity.**

**Previously on The Real World-Walking Dead**

In the kitchen, Rick enjoys a bowl of cereal so much, that he doesn't notice Andrea behind him. She slams the cupboard doors loudly to annoy him. When that doesn't work, she grabs a ketchup bottle and squeezes ketchup onto his cereal.

Rick bangs his fist on the table. "Why did you do that?!"

"I'm tired of you doing nothing but stuffing your face and curling your hair." She flicks a single curl dangling against his forehead.

He swats her hand away. "These curls are natural!" Hearing Rick's protest all the way in the living room, Abraham laughs obnoxiously.

Abraham's confessional. "Rick's curls are tighter than our food rations. Ain't nothing natural bout em."

Rick's confessional. "Unlike Abraham's hair that's so badly died its pink instead of red!"

On her way out, Andrea tosses the ketchup bottle into Rick's bowl. Splashing milk, cereal, and ketchup on his face. He springs up from his seat. "Why are you so horrible to me?!"

Andrea turns around. "Carol told me... she told me everything!"

A clip is provided of Andrea with Carol at Club Dead. In the loud and flashy post-apocalyptic night club, Andrea is getting drunk with the help of her bartender. The gray haired woman casually speaks to an overwhelmed Andrea, "...and Daryl wanted to go back for you after the farm fell. We all did, but Rick demanded that we leave you there. That was the quickest decision I've ever seen him make."

"He didn't think I survived?"

Carol refills the blonde's drink. "To me, it seemed like he didn't care. When you came back to the prison, the way he acted, it was like he didn't even know you. He let you go back to The Governor, knowing how dangerous that man was. I saw your face, you felt like you didn't have a home with us anymore." Carol is trying to hide a grin seeing Andrea on the verge of tears. "If it were me, I would've let you back in, because you're my friend. And I've always trusted you." Carol rubs Andrea's tightening fist.

Footage switches back to the blonde screaming at Rick. "The reason I can't love my baby is because of you. Do you know what being left behind like that did to me?!"

Rick smirks. "That's not my fault, it's your fault cause you can't get over it."

"Like you can't get over the fact that Lori found comfort in other men? Your best friend or a redneck drug addict?!" She speaks with some base in her voice. "You're a loser who can't keep a woman happy. No wonder Michonne left you."

Rick presses his lips together, angrily nodding. "I can't be like you Andrea, bed hopping to every man who opposes me."

"I am a free, liberated woman! I should be rewarded for grabbing life by the horns and fucking it! I'm not some emotional coward like you!"

While Andrea is screaming in his face, the leader is calm and petty. "It's been over a year since you had Meeshgunn, ya know, that infant you neglect? Why don't you stop worrying about me, and focus on losing your baby weight."

Andrea's jaw drops.

Michonne is resting in bed, healing after her car accident. Daryl had been vigilant in taking care of her, and in the moment was covering her with a blanket. Andrea comes barging in, waking the warrior. "MESSSHHHHH! Rick called me a fat cow, cause I can't lose my baby weight!"

Rick rushes in, "MICHONNNNNEEE! She's lying. I never called her a cow! Get up and put your animal back in her barn!" Daryl scowls at the demand since Michonne's half dead on the bed.

Daryl scowls at the demand since Michonne's half dead on the bed.

Michonne lets out a hallowed breath, struggling to speak and Daryl sees she's in too much pain.

Daryl yells. "Git the fuck out! Both of you. We don't got time to deal with your shit. You two grown adults with children, instead of arguing like idiots, yal needa take care of yo damn kids!" Daryl shoves Rick out, and almost flings Andrea out of the room. Slamming the door Daryl hears a light thud, then turns around to see Michonne, like a broken doll on the floor. "What chew doing? Yew ain't their damn babysitter."

"It's just going to get worse. You don't get it Daryl, I just want some peace and quiet. I'm in pain and they fight like this day and night. I'm so tired." Hearing more auguring outside the door, Daryl holds Michonne in her moment of vulnerability.

"Chonne just say the word and I'll break a bolt off in their asses."

**_The Banishment_**

Andrea's confessional. "I was banished from the house for no good reason!"

**6 months ago.**

Lori's confessional. "I've been avoiding Rick and Andrea's fighting for days. I'm passive aggressive, I can't deal with all this hooting and hollering. Merle's off finding stuff for his bastard. Left me to fend for myself."

Glenn's unsteady camera chases after Andrea, who bolts furiously from another confrontation with Rick. In a desperate attempt at getting the upper hand, she unleashes her firearm grabbing Carl in a choke hold, pinning her gun to his temple.

Lori is entering the living room with Meeshgunn in her arms. "The baby needs feeding Andrea, how come you never breastfeed her? What kind of mother..." Lori stops when she sees Andrea with a gun to Carl. "Why do you have my son?! Let him go!"

With unfocused pupils, Rick snatches the baby from Lori's arms. Andrea's eyes widen with terror, as he mirrors her actions with his son, and press his own gun to her baby's head. Meeshgunn rolls her eyes as Rick's growling in her ear. Andrea's panicked wail alerts the only other able-bodied housemates not involved in the standoff.

Meeshgunn, not getting the full extent of the situation, and also having no fear of Rick, grabs the barrel of his gun. "Pluzzy lebb gur! Pluzzy lebb gur ob Meeshgunn!"

Andrea shakes her head screaming towards her infant. "Meeshgunn no! You're at a disadvantage don't fight him."

Carl tries to negotiate, "Andrea let me go. I can talk my dad down."

"No! I can't-you're my leverage, the second I do, he'll blow my Meeshgunn's brains out! Rick has an addiction to shooting little girls in the face, especially when they're blonde!" Andrea swats Carl's hat from his head, and spits on it, defiling the symbol of Rick's bond with his child. Rick tilts his head with a piercing glare, nostrils a flare, eerily silent.

Lori screams. "Andrea you let go of my son or I swear I'll kill you where you stand!"

Abraham and Daryl finally arrive to see the immediate danger.

"Eh! Put the baby down Rick!" Abraham yells pulling out his gun and aiming it at Rick's head. "You wanna end up with half your brains on the walls ya shit stick!"

Daryl stares at his dangling niece in danger. "What the hell Rick?! What you think you doing? If you wanna kill someone, you kill me instead!"

Rick screams. "Dammit Daryl! No one wants your life!"

"Why yew doing this man? Come on, this ain't us!"

"Blood for blood." The leader grumbles under his quivering breath.

Daryl is panicked and has no idea what to do, everyone in the standoff is nuts. One bad move and he could have two dead children on his hands. He raises his crossbow at Andrea, putting the pressure on her to ease up.

Rick hears Carl's whimper as Andrea tightens her grip around him. "You put my son down, you release my boy!"

"Didn't I tell you to put the baby down?! Eh Rick!" Abraham bellowed cooking his pistol. Rick backs up shaking his head, his mind traveling distant lands, zoning out before a speech emerges from the depths of his soul. "Everyone's been coming down on me for too long. I don't deserve any of it-any of this!" He swings his pistol around the tense room. "I'm a good man, I try to do the best I can with this group, but you are all so ungrraaateful! You think any of you could survive without my leadership?!"

The entire group is watching Rick then watching a light-footed Michonne limping in his direction.

"I'm not gonna stand around and wait till one you of-_clunk!_" Rick is knocked out. Meeshgunn does a tuck and roll out of his arms, a useful tactic Merle had taught her.

Breathing heavily with anger, Michonne stairs down the rest of the group, as Rick is laying on the floor, in a puddle of his own drool. "What happened?" Michonne seethed trying to hide the pain of her slowly healing injuries.

After getting various recounts from everyone shouting over each other, Michonne screams for quiet, then shares a glance with Abraham. The redhead walks across the room and takes Rick's gun, then pats him down for other weapons. She asks Daryl to find something to tie Rick up with. Frightened by the look in Michonne, Andrea shoves Carl towards Lori, who grabs her son.

Daryl walks up to Andrea, after tying up Rick with some loose cable wires. "I'm sick of yo shit! All you do is push people to their breaking point, yew know he ain't all there!"

Michonne stands before the group. "No one's telling Merle about this. He'll be back from his trip soon. I want Rick out of the house by then, you too Andrea. I've had enough."

"Meesh you're gonna banish me? I BROUGHT YOU BACK!"

"I tell myself that every time you mess up, but not this time. Pack your things and get out."

Andrea looks around the room at menacing gazes aligning with Michonne's decision.

Michonne's back to business after Andrea's outrageous departure, and Rick's limp body being hauled off by terminus guards. Sadly, none of it was captured on camera due to Andrea throwing it at a guard during her struggle.

"We need to come up with a cover story for when Merle gets back. We tell him Andrea is gone because she threatened Carl. Rick's at the recovery house, nothing else, keep it vague."

Daryl shakes his head, chewing on his thumbnail. "Naw, I think we should tell Merle-I ant gon' lie to my brother."

Michonne shakes her head. "I'm not changing my decision."

"What yew gon' do if I tell him, huh? you gonna banish me too?!" Michonne rolls her eyes as Daryl looks around the room, "none of you gonna say anything?"

"Your brother is wilder than a hedgehog in a condom, so it's best we keep our traps shut, and the air clear of the fine layer of shit, they laid out for us." Abraham says while avoiding Lori's glare.

Glenn's camera pans to Lori, who speaks. "Daryl you settle down. For the first time in his life, Merle's finally happy. And he ain't gon' feel any different. Why would you wanna upset your brother this way?"

"Lori you gettin' real good at lying to people, and tricking them into believing it's the right thing. It ain't!"

Lori watches Daryl until he's no longer in her sights, then slithers next to Michonne, placing her boney fingers along the warrior's shoulders.

"Michonne..." she whispers, "I know you're doing the best for the group, we all know that...all of us, except for Daryl. You ain't in the best health right now, but you need to do something about him. If he don't see things your way, you may have to take care of him. He could get dangerous."

Michonne steps away from Lori. "What are you doing?"

"Giving my leader helpful suggestions, about how to deal with dangerous men, who are problems in our group."

Lori's confessional. "So that didn't really work on Michonne like it did Rick. She just got really upset. I never told her to outright kill Daryl, I was leaving that up to interpretation."

Upstairs in Daryl's room, Michonne finds the seemingly rogue member of the group, pacing and angry. She confronts him. "You go along with every decision Rick makes. I make one, and you go against me. You don't respect me."

"I do respect you, that's why I told you how I felt about lying to my brother. I didn't wanna go behind your back about this. Would you rather I lied to you, agree with everything you said, then go behind your back and tell my brother anyway?"

"If Merle knew what Rick did he'd kill him. I'm trying to keep everyone safe-ow" she holds her side in pain.

"Michonne yew bleeding, think you popped yer stitches." He comes towards her but she backs away.

"Don't act like you give a shit about me! Where was this concern downstairs when I needed it?" She rushes out of the room holding her side as Daryl feels guilty that he drove her away.

Michonne's confessional. "I didn't mean to get that upset with Daryl. Whenever it comes to Merle, he completely forgets the bond he's created with the people in the group, and sides with his brother; right or wrong. I got upset because it was just like _that night_ we broke up. All he cared about was Merle and, it was like he didn't even know me anymore. Sometimes I feel like...I'm still just a stranger to him."

"Why don't you tell him this?" Mary asks from behind her camera, surprising Michonne.

"That defeats the purpose of why we do these confessionals, doesn't it? Shouldn't what happens in this room, stay in this room? Christ, Mary, I just need to vent."

"To people in the New Woodbury, Washington DC, your captors, and Alexandria?"

Holding her bleeding side in annoyance, Michonne leaves the confessional room.

Daryl's confessional. "I forget she was so battered. I just kept pushing her about my stupid brother who blows up for any reason anyway. I get it, she just wants peace in the house. I feel like I was trying to stop that." Daryl runs his hands over his face "I was such a dick to 'er, she must have been in so much pain, and she was still thinkin' about the group... I'm such a fuckin' asshole, I just kept hurtin' her!"

Mary speaks from behind her camera. "There's so much angst between the two of you, I can choke a horse with it."

Downstairs Lori is angry with Abraham. "You did nothing to protect Carl! You're a horrible husband!"

Abraham rubs the back of his neck looking confused. "When did we get married again? I thought you were with Merle."

"Lori is married to Merle, but you are married to Ellen, which is who I am... I'm Ellen."

"You can't just assume someone's identity!"

Lori fluffs up her hair and puts on a red headband.

Abraham gets teary eyed. "...Ellen?"

Lori's confession. "It's official, Merle is dead, and no one can tell me any different. I have to move on for Merle's sake, he'd want me to be happy. And as luck would have it, I share a look similar to Abraham's dead wife. When you have lemons, you make yaself some lemonade."

Mary sighs. "Merle's only been gone two days, you can't wait a-"

"He's dead, he's a walker somewhere-don't talk about him anymore because I'm grieving!"

"But-"

"I'm grieving!"

Daryl sees Abraham coming up the stairs. "Chonne popped her stitches. I wanna help her, but she ain't too happy with me right now."

"Get Rosita. I'll handle Mich." Daryl nods and walks off as the redhead begins his mission. He comes to Michonne's door holding two large blue-ish cloudy glasses of water. "Mich its just me, Ford. Open this door!" Abe is shocked when the door creeks open mid-sentence."That was very easy but I won't complain, here drink this."

"Did you drug the water?"

"Why would you say that? Just drink it." He says, pushing one of the glasses towards her.

"It's cloudy and I can still see some of the pill dissolving at the bottom."

"It's not a pill-"

"Abraham!"

"Calm down. Its four crushed up Tylenol PMs. Rosita is gonna stick a needle through you, repeatedly, you need to be out by then. I'm taking a drink too cause I don't wanna be awake when she's here, it's like a suicide pact, only without dyin'."

"Is this why you've been MIA for the past few months, you drug yourself so you don't have to see Rosita?"

"Since we're alone, I can be honest. Yes, I'm avoiding Rosita like fat on Lori's body."

Michonne sighs and takes the glass of water, the two nod then start chugging. As they sit together on the ground Michonne smiles at him. "I wanna thank you..."

"Mich I told you we ain't gon' die. We'd have to down a whole bottle, each."

"I was going to thank you for your friendship. You've been the friend to me that Andrea couldn't most of the time. I'm happy we've stayed just friends, could you imagine if we dated?" She laughed.

Abraham leans his head back, "I'm not your type, you like rowdy rednecks with face moles."

"That's not a type, that's one guy. Neither of us have 'types,' you'd screw anything with a pair of tits."

"Some would say that's a type." He smiles at her eye roll. "I appreciate what we got too. I don't want you beating yourself up over Rick and Andrea, both of them were dicks. They bullied me within an inch of my life one time."

Abe looks over to see Michonne passed out on the ground. "I forgot she tiny. Little blood stream. Shudda gave her two Tylenols instead of four... now I'm talking to myself. I wonder where the birds go during the winter, they shouldn't have to leave cause its cold, there should be bird huts for them, with little heaters. Yeah, I wanna make them little heaters."

A few minuets later, a camera follows Daryl and Rosita with her medical kit running upstairs. They see both Abraham and Michonne passed out on the ground.

"Oh no, it's like fucking Romeo and Juliet, they killed each other in some love pact... shudda never left him alone wif 'er! When he said he'd take care of Chonne I didn't think he'd kill her."

"Abraham you stupid idiot, why are you always avoiding me?! You think I don't know you do this on purpose whenever I come over, you always asleep, you pendejo!"

Rosita shakes his still form as Daryl gets fed up. "Rosita, can't you cuss him out and stitch up 'Chonne? damn it, all the relationships in this group so dysfunctional."

Suddenly Lori enters the room. "Oh no, Michonne killed herself and took my husband with her- that katana carrying whore! She just couldn't stand to see me happy could she? I'm gonna kick her!"

"You better not Lori, you back up!" Daryl raised his crossbow at her.

"This is my third dead husband. Merle is dead, Rick is gone and probably died doing something stupid, and now my Abe is gone too-people gonna start thinking I'm a pariah. I'm a black widow Daryl... could you hold me?"

"Naw, I don't wanna hold no cursed chick! And why you think my brother dead anyway? He not! No one can kill Merle but Merle. You already murdered him in yo mind and shit!"

"The bond I have with Merle is stronger than whatever you two had, and I felt my bond with him sever this morning. We've been through so much together, and there are things he did with me, he would never do to you!" Lori bragged making Daryl scoff.

"Fuck, I hope so!"

Hours later Michonne wakes up realizing she's been stitched up again. Sitting up, she swings her feet around and finds her floor to be squishier than usual. "Why's my floor so lumpy?"

"I ain't lumpy."

Michonne snatches her feet up, "what are you doing on the floor?"

Daryl looks up from his napping position at the side of her bed. "Waiting for you to wake up. And be careful with them stitches, I'm tired of yew bleeding all over the house. Ya blood droplets all ova this damn place, having it lookin' like a bad drug bust."

Michonne laughs, holding her side.

"Don't laugh!" Daryl scolded her as she playfully waves him off.

"Then don't make me laugh. It's not my fault you make me happy."

"I'd do anything to make yew happy..."

Mary sighs behind her camera while zooming in on their gazes at each other. "And these were the days of their lives."

Meshgunn is downstairs sitting by the front door waiting for her father to come home. Lori is watching the baby and shaking her head. "Why are you sitting by the door? Ya daddy ain't ever coming home. He's dead!" Messhgunn gives her the middle finger before she scoots back as the door flies open with Merle carrying a sack over his shoulder like Santa Clause. "Hey there my little Meshgunn! I got some baby stuff for ya, and a crib in the car."

Merle's confessional. "Obviously, it took meh longer than usual to get back here, cause I'm one handed, and no one else wanted to come with me. It's fine though, ol' Merle gets things done better by himself anyway."

Meeshgunn's confessional. The infant sits in the center of the confessional chair, three sizes too big for her. "Meeshgunn no wen Mer gum home. Meeshgunn herb cursing! Meeshgunn kno...not gib up on Mer. Lori Whorb."

"Oh my god Merle!" Lori runs to him.

"Why ya so needy Lori? You never used to hug me like this, damn stop squeezing me women, feel like I'm being attacked." Merle drops his bag before trying to pry her off with his hand.

Abraham sees Merle with Lori. "Ellen-" He cries out, but Lori gives him a cold look.

Lori scurries over to Abraham and pulls him aside, attempting to fix a situation she started, while Merle is scooping up his daughter and happily carrying her outside.

"I'm not Ellen, you need to stop this, my husband is back!" Lori smooths down her hair after throwing away her red headband.

"No! Don't tell me I lost you all over again?"

"You hush now, what we had was a mistake out of grief and raw emotion. Now you can still take care of me and Carl on the side, but you'd better not get attached or Merle will kill yah." Lori whispers to him then collected herself before going outside to cater to Merle.

Abraham just sighs before walking off, muttering "I hate this fucking house!"


	74. Chapter 74 Milk

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or 'The Real World.'**

**Warning: Dark themes &amp; Merle.**

Previously on The Real World-Walking Dead

Andrea's confessional. Joe's voice beams from behind the camera. "How ya likin' ya new shelter, golden retriever?"

"It's lonely, and I can't believe the extent of Meesh's cruelty." Andrea bolts from her seat, leaving her chair spinning in the wind.

"Retriever?"

Joe's camera follows Andrea outside. He films her standing in front of her empty house. "Point that camera across the street, show the people what she's done."

Joe pans his camera, revealing The Real World-Walking Dead house. "The cat banished you across the street?"

Andrea sniffles with a shameful nod.

Michonne's confessional. "So your intended punishment for Andrea was physiological torture?" Mary says from behind her camera.

"Mental wounds stay with you longer than physical ones." Michonne then abruptly gets up and leaves the confessional room.

"That's all you're gonna say?!" The camera woman shouts.

"Yes!"

After a talk with producers, Michonne decides to elaborate.

Michonne's forced confessional. With a gun to her head, a pensive Michonne speaks. "I've always intended to have Rick and Andrea back at the house, but they needed healin' first. I banished Rick to rehab where he'd be surrounded by good sane influences in Hershel and Morgan. But he ran off to harass Beth at her place of work for six months, so he's off to a late start."

"And Andrea?"

"Like I said... mental wounds." The samurai shrugged.

_**Milk**_

Merle's enraged as he's gently cradling his baby daughter. The father is surrounded by uneaten baby food, his one hand dashes a spoon across the kitchen table in frustration. "Shit!"

Michonne enters the room, preparing herself for the worst. "Is she still-"

"My bebeh hasn't eaten nothing for two days Michonne...I keep trying to feed her and she won't eat!"

"Head to the recovery house with Meeshgunn. Take Daryl with you." Michonne walks off trying to get in touch with Bob via walkie talkie.

Merle is too distraught to drive, so Daryl gets in the driver's seat; ushered in my Michonne.

"Take good care of them, Daryl." She shuts the car door.

"Yew ain't coming?"

"I've got my own way of helpin'."

Daryl gives a sideways head nod then drives off.

It's a tense situation across the street at Andrea's.

The blonde places a glass bottle on the table. It's filled to the brim with breast milk she'd been withholding from Meeshgunn. Michonne is slightly squeamish, having watched Andrea manually squeeze the milk out of her breast for the past few minutes.

"What have you been doing with your milk?"

The blonde shrugs. "I squeeze it out in the shower."

"What?!"

"You told me if I didn't get the milk out, it would dry up like rocks in my breasts. I can't have that, Joe and I play with these in my spare time." Andrea winks at Joe's camera.

"So you played bathtub games with valuable breast milk for your baby?"

"Pretty much. I get bored over here Meesh. It's not like I have a group around to keep me company."

Michonne scowls during her reach for the bottle. Andrea lunges for it, then in a matter of seconds the bottle is thrown clear across the room.

The camera narrows in on Michonne's look of shock, while watching the white liquid sliding down the wall, and ending into a heartbreaking puddle of shattered glass and milk.

"Why did you do that?!"

"Hmm, I don't know Meesh, maybe because you banished me! You really thought I'd help you?!"

"Andrea you have no right to be upset. You put a loaded gun to Carl's head, and you're playing petty games with an infant's life. You're being horrible and selfish."

"I'll be horrible and selfish if it makes you suffer! Even if it takes a dead baby to piss you off." Andrea said with a cruel chuckle.

The camera cuts to black at the exact moment Michonne's fist would connect with Andrea's face.

At the recovery house, Bob is taking a look at Meeshgunn, and Merle is impatient while literally breathing down Bob's neck. "Admit it, you don't know what's wrong with my baby."

Bob uneasily steps aside before addressing the temperamental father. "She seems to be in good health on the outside, so the problem has to be internal. She is a baby without vaccines. She really needs them, especially with the world the way it is now. I can create something with what we have here, but I need a few hours and a test dummy."

Merle glares at his baby brother huddled in a corner on his walkie talkie. "Yeah Chonne, we here. Everything's alright on my end- Merle quit it!" Daryl yells as the older Dixon slaps the walkie talkie from his hands.

"You over here trying to _squirt ya pen ink_ to the sound of Michonne's voice when my baby is sick!"

"Naww Merle, it ain't even like that!"

Merle yanks up Daryl by his vest, before staring menacingly at Bob. "We found our damn test dummy."

Bob's confessional. "Meeshgunn's the first known baby to be born with the virus already inside her, imagine the medical knowledge we can gain from her blood. To be born from parents who were already infected. The virus must be integrated in her genetic makeup. We might be able to create a vaccine if we isolate the gene from her and... _sigh_, nevermind, I won't advocate experimenting on a baby, but as a man of science, I'm intrigued."

Merle's confessional. "What'chew mean Bob wanna experiment on my baby? I swear to god, and this isn't even a race thing, if he pokes and prods at my baby more than necessary, I will kill him and fucking enjoy it."

Bob needed to run some tests on Daryl's blood beforehand, but whenever the needle got too close to Daryl's arm, or when Bob touched him, he would pull away.

Merle squeals like a warthog. "Motherfucker hold still!"

"You know I don't like people touching me, and like stabbing me with needles!"

"Listen to me Durrell, we both had a bad childhood, but my baby ant gon' have one at all if you don't cut the prissy shit and hold still!" Merle hits a wall behind Daryl in frustration making the younger Dixon brother jump.

"But my childhood traumas-dey comin' back."

"I swear to god I'll take off my belt and mimic daddy's voice!"

Daryl sniffles laying his arm out as Bob is shaking his head in full judgment.

Mary's filming a close up of Andrea's groggy awakening. "What's going on?" On instinct, Andrea attempts to move her hands and soon realizes she's been shackled to a heater. "What the hell?!" It comes at a delay, but now Andrea can feel a strong suction at her breast.

Mary's camera pans out, viewing Michonne with a breast pump to Andrea, and four filled bottles of milk on the table behind her.

Andrea's confessional. "Here goes Meesh robbing milk from my cold unconscious body... like a freaking boob demon!"

"How long have you been milking me?!"

Michonne yanks the pump from Andrea's left breast with dreadful "pop" causing the blonde to yelp.

Andrea's confessional. "Rick called me a cow. Michonne milked me like one. Maybe I really am a cow. Maybe that's why Herschel's never mean to me. He's like, look at this blonde talking cow. I'm not even one of those cows in the commercials that talk about how happy they are to give milk. I'm in this cold, dark room, sweating with a boob out, she didn't even tuck it back into my bra."

Michonne's confessional. "I left it hanging like she left me hanging back at Woodberry."

Back at the recovery house, Daryl tries to comfort his brother in his time of need. "Merle it gon' be alright... we ain't gon' lose her. If you needa talk... well... you know I'm here." Daryl rubs Merle's shoulder with a brotherly kindness.

"Durell...ya betta be wearing panties, don't want ya vagina falling out on the floor."

"Why you always gotta do that for?! Stop pushin' me away Mur...I'm just tryna to be here for you!"

"If I wanted comfort, I would have gotten it from my wife... who ain't here right now. Durell where the fuck is Lori?"

"Oh, I'm sorry I forgot your little breadstick! Funny you take comfort from her, but not cho own kin!"

"Where you get off insulting my Lori after ya' left her behind? If ya' spent less time drooling over that damn katana, and more time checking on ya' niece, we cudda caught this sooner!"

"What chew saying?! This my fault?! This yo baby Merle! I didn't knock Andrea up you did!" Daryl does one of his uncoordinated, swinging finger points towards his brother.

"Durel quit pacing back and forth, my baby is sick right now, you ain't got no problems to deal with. Sit cho ass down!"

"Naw! I'm tired of dis, you act like I ain't got a life of my own. Like I'm supposed to live for you or somethin'. I'm in there getting shot up with freaky liquid stuff, and all to save yo little girl. You never grateful for anything I do for you Mur!"

"You my brother, you supposed to have my back, just like I got yours."

Daryl continues pacing back and forth, then walks off.

"Daryl don't go too far, ya need some more vaccines in ya. Ya betta' pump up that damn vein when ya come back!"

It's a return to Andrea's place, where the blonde is trying to speak to Michonne, who's revealing too many unfavorable layers of her personality.

"Listen to me Michonne..."

"What no lovey dovey Meesh?"

"Meesh is for when I loved you."

Michonne gets up securing the tops to each bottle of milk. She then starts storing them in a bag, which angers Andrea.

"Look at you, you think you're so big and bad, pumping me while I'm chained up. If I weren't attached to this heater I'd beat you for every drop you stole from me!"

Michonne raises an eyebrow and sets her bag of "Andrea" aside. In a relaxed manner, Michonne unchains the blonde. "Do what you gotta do..."

"You're getting real sidetracked right now. Go save my baby Meesh, before she dies a slow, horrible, painful little death."

A few minutes after Michonne left, when she knew the coast was clear, Andrea whispers, "yeah you better run."

Daryl's confessional. "Bob took everything from me-he took my blood, my urine, my saliva, my dignity. By the end of the day I was just DONE!"

Daryl is slumped over in a chair, drooling and weakened from everything Bob had taken from him. Merle hits Daryl's shoulder with a bottle of cranberry juice. "Here, take this. Bobby boy says you've got a urinary tract infection."

"A bottle of cranberry juice ain't gonna make up for how you talked to me!"

"Ya yelln' at me like I scuffed one of ya high heels Durell."

"You know what? Leave the juice and go! I don't wanna see you no more."

"Then you better turn around, 'cause I ain't leaving till I say what I gotta say. Maybe I was wrong, but that's my baby girl. Anyways, I didn't even go as hard on you as I would have, if you weren't my baby brother."

"So I'm supposed to feel better cause you weren't as much of an asshole as you cudda been?"

"Yes."

Daryl angrily gulps down half a battle of the cranberry juice before shoving it at Merle.

"And when ya ain't peeing like a sprinkler, you'll be thankin' me." Merle has a remorseful look on his face that he can't verbalize to his brother. Getting up, the father wanders off to look in on his daughter, while the camera follows him. There's a blurry figure of a man in his boxers and a hospital gown, watching him in the distance.

Rick's Recovery House Confessional. "Why's he here?! I can't have him here ruining my recovery. Does he know what I did to Meeshgunn? Why was he so angry?! They told on meh! I knew they would. How long do I have to wait huh? When is it time for me to fight for my life?!" The former leader backs away in hysterical paranoia.

Merle's confessional. "Why Rick here?"

Merle walks into the room, startled by the sight of Michonne bottle-feeding his baby. It's an overwhelming emotion of relief and happiness that consumes the elder Dixon. The two share a compassionate stare before Merle speaks. "Ya too good for this world Michonne, thank ya."

Michonne smiles handing over baby Meeshgunn.

"You know, you should let me do something for ya. Repay ya back for helping my little Meeshgunn."

"Don't... I don't deserve it." A suddenly self-loathing Michonne walks off.

Like clockwork, Merle's back to his old self. "Next time you do something nice for meh baby, make sure it's not during ya damn monthlies!"

Merle's confessional. "Everyone's so fucking emotional today. It's pissing me off!"


End file.
